We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

You're dead a hell of a lot longer than you're alive.......I'd be going with what your dh wants and enjoying my life.

Exactly. So the person wanted her dh to have the money to enjoy. Not her kids.

Anyway, it's his money and he can do what he likes with it. If OP wants to hand off any share she legally has, she can do that.

Hope he enjoys his early retirement.

I agree it is definitely your business if you have joint finances.
My worry is he’s quite young to retire. What’s he going to do for 30+ years?! Will the money run out?

I think you put the money into sensible accounts (multiple accounts) and wait until after Christmas to make a decision.

Why?

Because the global economic situation is on the brink and I would not be quitting a job in any circumstances until after the US elections and subsequent fall out.

Its three months.

There's too many reputable sources going 'oh shit' right now.

Yes life is too short, but you want to also not be fucked too.

@Purpleharlow I'm surprised at the strength of your reaction and wonder if you have experience of joint finances. I don't think it's morally clear at all. Yes, under UK law this is his money rather than joint money but the OP has probably put all the money she has earned /invested /won / worked overtime for into the family pot over many years. She may have made decisions to her own detriment in order to boost family savings. Him retiring early may place a higher burden on her for supporting student dependants. There's an argument that he should perhaps have more say than the OP or retain control over some of the money. But I think your moral outrage about her wanting some input into decision making is misplaced.

It's his inheritance! "We" don't get a say, only him! You've already got joint finances and a retirement plan. This is an extra gift from a loved one to him.
I have an inheritance ...I plan to spend some of it helping my kids, but as I only have a small pension I will need to rely on some of it for old age, plus I would like to travel a bit (which is what my parents wanted me to do).
I have made all these decisions, not my partner. He wouldn't dream of telling me what to do with it, and when the time comes I won't be dictating about his either.
English law says that an inheritance is not a matrimonial asset, and is not split in the event of divorce. in other words it belongs to the beneficiary not their spouse.
You may not agree with what he wants to do with it, but it's his to decide. I can understand your feelings though, I bet my partner won't help the kids either, (why are men so selfish sometimes) and I'll not like it but it will be his decision.

Even after 20yrs of joint finances? If it was enough for one person to retire 10yrs early… you would be happy for them to spend on a hobby or invest in race horses or loan to a friend? You would say it’s his money? I just don’t get that

Even after 40yrs of joint finances, my husband has a modest inheritance. Not enough to buy a house but fairly significant. I absolutely do not expect to have a say in how he spends it. It's his money and his business. (But then I'm confident he'll use it sensibly)

Having lost family at relatively young ages, 63 and 68 I'm really aware that you don't know what's around the corner. If dh wanted to retire at 55 and we could afford it comfortably then he would have my blessing.

I think this has nose dived into focussing on how much say the OP should have. I wonder if DHs plans with the money were to burn it all in the back garden or put it all on one bet at the races people might feel differently about it. Yes it’s DHs money but when you’re part of a family does that justify selfish decisions? When he burns through all the money and finds that he’s reached pension age with far less in his pot, will it be ok to expect OP to share her pot with him?

It’s a tricky one. A few things I’d want to know from my DH, if he came up with this plan:

• What age does he plan to draw down from his company pension? What is the trajectory of withdrawing from x age versus waiting until x age?
• How long are the DCs going to be full-time students? Is he in a position to fund 50% of the Parental Contribution portion of the means tested loan, or is he expecting you to pay his share?
• Do you plan to help DCs with house deposits? How will he fund his portion?
• Do you plan to help DCs fund weddings? How will he fund his portion?
• What does he plan to do all day whilst home alone? Will he get bored? (My neighbour is in this position, and I literally watched him dust his electric car charger the other day. I also watched him mow the front gardens of everyone on the street. He is obviously looking for things to do.) How will he pass the time for the next 10 years? If he wants to do hobbies, how much will they cost?

I know you said that in your DH's industry it's unusual for people to drop down to part-time work. But since retiring would mean he steps away from the job entirely and if he later finds out that such an early retirement isn't all he's expecting it to be, he might have a problem re-entering the workforce at any level. Is there some way that he could take a sabbatical from his work for say 6 months to a year to test whether he actually will like being retired?

Yes I did. In fact I didn’t really discuss it with myself! I intended to take an unpaid break and never went back. My financial contribution remained the same so it didn’t affect him at all.

It's his money. His choice.
Even though finances have been joint for 20+ yrs? I have no say at all? Really?

When it comes to an inheritance id say it is who ever gets the inheritance get to choose what happens to it.

His inheritance. His life. His choice.

In DH’s position, I would also retire and, while I would respect my wife’s opinion, I would not allow her to control my decision. In OP’s position I would not attempt to control his decision.

The current vote is 76/24 to YABU. If the sexes were reversed so a woman had inherited & her husband was objecting to her retiring I bet the vote would be at least 95/5.

Your children can get a loan like almost every other student. Admittedly my DS got the maximum loan amount but he saved about 17k out of his and along with a small inheritance has enough for a house deposit.

As a PP said you might spend tens of thousands of pounds and then your kids change course and do a job that didn't require a degree. Someone said it was worth it if they did law but that will mostly be taken over by AI. My DS's degree is in software engineering which will go the same way. You're planning for a future that doesn't exist.

Oh an also, I think if I inherited a huge amount and my partner told me that I couldn't retire, that would be the beginning of the end of the relationship. If you also didn't want to work that would be different but you do and he doesn't.

Hmm.. I’m not sure why I’m so outraged myself tbh.

It’s none of my business obviously. I just found myself getting more wound up with each of OP’s posts.

It’s not her money though essentially. It hasn’t come from her family has it?

OP had a,ready said he can't reduce his hours 😔 - it's one of those jobs

Those suggestions would be ludicrous.

He is suggesting something that would be good for his wellbeing and suggested op do the same, but she doesn't want to.

Its not his fault she benefits from working and wants to continue... if she didn't and felt burnt out by work like he does, then she would probably see where he is coming from!

his suggestion isn't that he ditches all financial commitments and says "sod it" ...his suggestion is they live off the money, so financial commitments are still met, instead of giving it to the kids.

This is exactly what I was after, some advice from someone who agrees with me who has been there

DH has workplace pensions, if I read OP's posts correctly. He can drawdown on these from age 55, with a meaningful chunk tax free. (Plus they've been saving, I think)

Good point - so much of the workplace stress and market volatility/economic issues are directly rooted to Trump. Whilst the elections won’t remove him, they may stymie him or encourage those around him to try to rein him in/stop blindly supporting him. I may be naive, though. I think parking the inheritance for 3-6m to give OP/DH time to really take stock is very wise advice.

YANBU to have different priorities but it’s his inheritance. If it was your inheritance the decision weighting would be the other way round.

Reframe it as leaving the other job and not retiring- it’s opening up new opportunities. Perhaps after a few months of winding down and boredom he’ll try a new venture, especially if you’re not dependent on the income? You sound very financially comfortable and I think if he’s healthy and no pressure to earn, 55 is still young enough to be there more for your young-ish children and your relationship- assuming you might go on some travel and new adventures together? My lovely friend was widowed last year (her DH only in his 50s, although children already left home, so she’s on her own now) I listen to her all the time talk about how time is the ultimate asset (followed by health) and it sounds like as a family you can buy some wonderful time instead of working in a job he’s obviously done with. Good luck op.

Team husband here, sorry.

I retired early. No regrets whatsoever.

Yes, I could have continued to work and build up more savings - purely to be given away. ( I was a high earner).

But, to me, it doesn't make sense to continue to slog when financially I don't need to, mainly to prevent our DC from having to work so hard?

It sounds like your DC are younger than ours and for me, as they become more independent, I started to feel less obliged to (financially) look after them. None of our DC work as hard as DH and I did in some regards and none are high earners, they are low / middle. We are still fairly generous to our DC with gifts and holidays, and we always pay for all of us when we go out for example, but we are not able to gift in the 10s of thousands category. They will be wealthy when we are gone, if it hasn't all been spent on care by then! I don't feel any compulsion to continue to work, solely for our DC.

Also great advice. My older friends have watched their DH’s retire early, get bored within 3-6m and then take up consultancy work as they found adjusting to retirement really hard. If Op’s DH tried this he could spend that time exploring consultancy options or moves to lower paid/lower stress roles with a view to winding down, rather than cold-quitting.