We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

But the money doesn’t need to last 30 years. OP has already said they have financially planned for retirement so the inheritance would be used to bridge the gap between now and whenever the planned retirement was.

A hobby he enjoys rather than a job the OP says he’s doesn’t…..

How did he cover his own uni costs? Did he have to pay back a student loan? Did you get any help with house deposits? Personally I think it’s incredibly selfish not to think about how your own children will manage in this world so you can sit about for ~25 years and do nothing. Better if he tries to find a new job if he’s unhappy in this one.

But the point is, they don't have to have another decade of working life. The husband doesn't want to have another decade of working life, and has a solution of not having to do this.

Op wants to work... she likes it and benefits from it

Dh doesn't want to work. He has a solution for that, that doesn't negatively affect the rest of the family. He still contributes just as he was. Its just that the kids will have to finance more of their lives with dh plan than ops plan

DH is about to inherit and I see it as his to choose what to do with. We have been married for many decades with joint finances. Although I think OP should be able to share her own ideas and discuss them with her DH I think he should ultimately choose what to do with it because he was the chosen beneficiary.

Children will inherit from us when we die but in the meantime I think it benefits them to have an available healthy parent not someone who is ground down by work which maybe is what OP’s DH feels? Maybe he wants to have more energy and time for them?

OP you talk disparagingly about retirement as if your DH will just be alone loafing about but it is your choice to work another fifteen years because you love it. He is obviously very different with different needs. Perhaps his retirement will be full of new friendships, travel and exciting hobbies like many of us enjoy. Won’t you regret not joining in with him? So many people do not get much time before ill health affects them in later years.

You have obviously already saved for your children so it is not that they are without any help and you can continue to put money aside for them but let DH enjoy what someone chose to gift him.

I’d say to do some proper modelling of what retirement looks like with the sums you’d like to gift your dc. Google Gemini can help with some clear prompts.

eg we are mortgage free, we have savings of x, pensions of y, and are age Xy. Net income is x and y. Assuming an interest rate of x and inflation of y, what is the drawdown I can afford today without ever working again. Assuming I work another five years, how does that affect the numbers.

are there other expenditures you’ll face - eg getting house ship shape for retirement (new boilers, accessibility, downstairs loo etc), and what sort of lifestyle do you want? I’d say if DH is content taking himself off for a walk and doing a bit of gardening (maybe volunteering) then he can enjoy the simpler life - if he has expensive hobbies then need to make the sums add up.

With all due respect, this is not automatically family money. It is his money. If he wants early retirement, then let him have it.

I see your point. I'd always want to level the playing field with our children so they had a similar level of difficulty accessing further education/housing etc. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd made their lives more difficult than mine by choice while I swanned off on retirement. They'd have every right to resent me.

You said that part time isn’t really an option in his industry. Are there any alternative roles he would be equipped for? Non executive posts, consultancy, tribunal etc. DH and I (late 60’s) each do some paid work, some voluntary work and enjoy being basically retired but with a structure to our week.

Will you eventually inherit anything yourself? if so, make sure you keep it separate from the family finances.

In fact, if I were advising a friend, I'd say, as your house is paid off and you have savings for kids, put the savings in an ISA in their name that can't be used by either of you.
Then separate finances, so your earnings are your own. you split bills, food, holidays etc 50/50 and he has to pay his share.

Otherwise he could blow the inheritance and then live off you finding everything.

Before he retires, he could ask work for a leave of absence to test it out.

I'm sure he'll find constructive ways to spend his time. I just know the relief I felt when I was leaving my job.. and it wasn't I job I hated either.

One doesn't have to work to keep their mind sharp. 15 more years of working is a lot!

Your husband is an educated man. He'll find something to do.. have you asked what he thinks his days would be like?

Life is short.
I've lost a parent and sibling.
I have an inheritance coming, when my other parent passes away... but life can be surprising. I could go first... so I wouldn't want DH telling me how to spend my inheritance. I wouldn't dream if telling him.

Your kids will be okay. Otherwise, what benefit of this money would be get personally.. if its all going to the kids?

I can see one of you will be resentful here.

I think he's selfish and lazy. If I received an inheritance I would go on a family holiday, buy a expensive coat and use the rest to pay down the mortgage (I'm in my 30s), so all shared with my family (except the nice coat lol). 50 is so young to retire, what's he going to do with his life? Is he likely to take on most of the cooking and cleaning? I wouldn't like to have someone sat around for decades while I worked and did housework.

I think if you are able to retire early, it's nice to go at the same time as your spouse.

You say it's not normal to work part time in his industry. Perhaps he should put an official flexible working request in, to drop to 2 or 3 days and fully retire at 60. That would be a compromise.

I think he should retire early. It's a great opportunity that many people don't get. He's still young enough to really take advantage of the free time he'd have. And he could also go back to work if he found he missed it.

Its easy to say that in your 30's though.

Op and dh are already mortgage free.
They already have savings

I'm early 40s and although I wouldn't retire now, I would certainly decrease my hours if I could. And I can well imagine feeling completely done in by work once I hit 50, and if I had the chance to continue to ensure financial responsibility was managed, wanting to retire

Also, he suggested that op also retire. She doesn't want to. So he should wait until she is ready to retire so they do it together? Even if its ages after he wants to and realistically could?

It’s neither sarcastic nor mean. It would act as a prompt for him to think realistically about what retirement would look like. How is the balance now with housework and the mental load? If it’s not there then it’s not unreasonable for retirement to correct this. Perhaps things like this would lighten the load for OP so both benefit from one being retired.

You’d have to be an absolute martyr not to expect that the person at home should do more around the house. Going forward difference in attitudes could have serious ramifications for marital harmony.

I personally wouldn’t retire at 55 as my priority would be to help the children as much as possible so they too can afford to have families / have stable living arrangements.

I will just address the comments regarding ‘we’ve already saved for uni fees’. We haven’t saved enough to cover all their fees if they choose to go. What we have saved is bits here and there over the years into a JISA. If they choose not to go to uni, then they will have a little bit of money to put towards the cost of a car or similar. We’re not talking life changing amounts.

If you were to divorce tomorrow and the money had been kept by him in a separate account it would not be classed as a part of the marital assets automatically. This would be a go to court over the asset if he didn’t want to share.There is no automatic right to access a spousal inheritance.

I am slightly older than your DH and have retired early. Amongst my hitting late fifties and early sixties friendship group we have had a couple of deaths, two cancer survivors and two that have had to have major operations. Now these are people who looked after themselves, you can’t out healthy eat and exercise yourself out of death if it’s coming for you.

You have some savings for your children already, you haven’t mentioned how much. We have some savings for our children but we haven’t told them. The amount is not decided yet, beware making them entitled and lazy if they know they have a large chunk coming their way.

With the change in tenancy laws buying property is really not a great investment regardless of MN anti landlord rhetoric making out they make money hand over fist. I am not a landlord I did contemplate it but the risks are too great.

Best case scenario is let the man retire and do it with a bit of grace, teach your children financial literacy more than giving them huge amounts of cash. That is what we have done. Worse case scenario it is the start of real resentment on both sides. Beware the children getting to an age when they leave home, lots of divorces around this age as people realise they had nothing in common except the children.

I'm not surprised at the comments but I don't agree with "his money his choice" in this scenario. His choices are affecting your joint lives, joint retirement and joint care of the children, all of which are decisions which should include.

What is his industry (roughly) that he can't negotiate reduced hours? Its a common action in the run up to retirement and he could aim to retire at, say, 60.

His current plan is simply to spend the lot on himself whilst reducing your joint incomes in your retirement - that is not the choice most long term partners make unilaterallyand I note that many of the posters saying they spent their inheritance actually spent the money on joint benefits for the marriage/family and discussed the spending with their partners.

When will you retire?

Sorry, I’ve just seen that you have answered that.

Show him the maths on university loan interest. He would have enjoyed a free university education. Even working part time for the next 5 years would alleviate your children’s debt burden when they become young adults.

People mentioning putting savings in children’s names, do not do this. Cute little whoever at 12 may be an absolute idiot with money that they can access at 18, their brains are not fully developed at that age.

Which but is easy to say? That 50 is too young to retire?

Unless its an absolutely huge inheritance they might have to scrimp and save for the next 40 years. It is way too early to retire, and they have a responsibility to help their children if they can because life is so expensive now. To choose not to is selfish, lazy and a big risk. Think how expensive food, heating bills and fuel is compared to 30 years ago, it's way too early to decide they can life off a lump sum.

Anything he wants. There’s more to life than work. I pity people like you who can’t see that.