We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Life is short and I really think if you can retire early you should. Helping your children is one things, but presumably they’ll inherit your home when you both die. It seems cruel almost to bypass his needs to allow your children a free financial ride in life, whilst his remaining years are spent slogging away.

if anything happens to him and he doesn’t get to retire you’ll kick yourself for denying him this opportunity .

Life is way too short.

Your kids will find their own way. You've already saved money for them, why bust your back unnecessarily giving them even more unearned privilege?

When you can’t agree then yes, he should have the final say. My DH inherited a small sum from his mum. I didn’t make any suggestions as to what he should do with it. I inherited from my mum and then my stepdad. DH didn’t suggest what I should do with that money. In the end, I used some of my inheritance to fund DH moving to part time work (I was already part time).

Part time coild be a healthy compromise for OP and DH. He works 2-3 days per week and enjoys some time at home.

Even if he continued to work it doesn't mean the only other option is to give the money to the kids. The OP is being entirely unreasonable in expecting it to be handed over and leaving nothing for DH to enjoy an easier life of his own.

What about retraining? DH (60) has spent 18 months doing this so he could leave his corporate role and go self employed on fewer hours. He could retire fully but isn't ready to.

I've also gone agency rather than employed so even though I'm still working full time in the same field, I have the knowledge that I can leave if I want to without a ridiculous notice period.

I do think it's a knee jerk reaction in your situation as the inheritance has come out of the blue, we've been building towards this for 5 years. Your DH needs to generate income from the capital rather than spend it.

5 more years of working can feel like ages.

Perhaps one or two more years, with increased pension contributions, then he can be done. It's good being fit and healthy when you retire, so you enjoy your life.

I wonder if some of this is a bit of jealousy. You continuing to work, while he's retired and you becoming resentful. My husband is a bit jealous of my early retirement... he would make comments, jokingly about me being a lady of leisure, or call me sleepyhead, when he was waking up for work.

So I asked him straight up, if he was jealous and he said he was.

I still pay all the bills I did as a full time employee... so he can't really complain that my retirement has increased costs for him.

You effectively want him to carry on working, like he never got the money... what's the appeal for him?

I don’t even know the amount of this inheritance but if it were me I’d probably put about £20-25K in savings for each kid and then drop to part time or retire early if I could afford too.

I love my children but they will find their way in life, earn money from jobs like everyone else does. Are you even kids will go to uni?

I think there needs to be a compromise

I dont know where this idea comes from that all kids these days need a 'house deposit'. Its a modern fairly middle class thing I get that, but while obviously its right to be financially prudent, as that will pay off later in terms of what they will inherit, we continue to infantilise adults and this isnt good for them either.

Are people really this sarcastic and mean to their spouses?

OP, is there room for compromise? Could he retire but reign in lifestyle a bit or see if self employment on his terms is a goer? Not everything revolves around children. The happiest adults I see aren’t ones where everything has been handed to them by their parents. So help, for sure but there must be leeway here. If your dh is unhappy where he is, could this be his opportunity to do something different? You are very fortunate anyway-mortgage paid off and decent pensions built up for the future.

Ive got 12 more years before retirement age and would retire like a shot if I could.

I would find this a selfish way of acting if my DH did this, especially given your age difference and the fact he'll be retiring long before you. Unless either of you have a desperately stressful job... Either he does in which case I can understand him wanting to retire, or you do, and him being at home would ease your load.

I'd definitely expect some to be invested to benefit our DC, as like you, I think that generation have it harder than we did.

Can you ask your DH to see a financial adviser before he makes any lasting decisions? Perhaps there is a compromise where some is invested.

I guess we all have that fantasy of winning a large sum of money and being able to just not go into work ever again and to be free to do what you want with your time. But the reality of doing nothing and the reality of how long the money lasts often does not match up.

Use the inheritance to make your own lives better. My late mil sat on thousands in the bank living in an house that needed so much doing to it which would have enhanced her life, yet she wanted to save it. I’ve told my children they will inherit our house when we die with enough savings to pay for our funeral. The rest will be spent on enjoying ourselves and living our best lives before we go. I would of course help them out if needed, but otherwise they need to be self sufficient.

I’m not jealous @SandyY2K, I enjoy work. I think it keeps my body active and my mind sharp. I know people will jump on me to say well you can do those things in retirement too, but I think there is more to work than just the money.

I guess this is an added concern. I don’t want to retire for another 15(!) years. I know that could change but is it really healthy to be ‘pottering’ essentially alone all this time?

It’s a joint discussion, but he gets the tie breaker vote.

What do you have tucked away for the kids already, and how had you planned to get that balance big enough for uni etc? He still has to fulfill that commitment (so if his earnings were part funding that, he still needs to provide that funding), but otherwise if he can afford to retire then he’s within his rights to do so.

Retire. No question.
I have known people work until they are 60 and die very shortly afterwards. I knew a man at work who died at work. He was due to retire.

Not everyone lives until they are 80+.

We give so much of our lives to work. Some will have a career. Most people have a job. Which is quite different. And by the time you get to 55 you are sick of it. And fed up of having just a few weeks a year for yourself.

I won't inherit anything, but dh will inherit quite well. He's nearly 57 and has said that he'd pay the mortgage off in the first instance. He'd then take a low pressure, part time job to keep some money coming in for remaining bills but he'd effectively be semi retired. I get that, and to be honest because we have a 10 year age gap I'd probably want to aim to slow down a bit when he formally retires properly, to spend some time with him travelling and doing more together while he's still in relatively good health. We provide well for our children, and they too will inherit well, but not at the sacrifice of us living and enjoying retirement.

I understand wanting to help your children financially, but there has to be a balance or you just become their cash cows and they don't learn what real life means, having to work hard, budget etc.

I think there's a compromise in your position op. No, I wouldn't be happy with dh stopping working and living off the inheritance. But that doesn't mean that continuing to work in a dull/ demanding job whilst every pound is sunk into financing your children's lives is the answer either.

I do think it's entirely reasonable that you have a significant say in this decision though, and I'd be seeking some sort of a compromise.

What has that got to do with his choice though. You might not be jealous about the retirement thing but certainly about the money per se.

Well there is a compromise. He continues to work a few more years, but brings his retirement forward so you meet in the middle. You get time to adjust and rethink your finances, and he has his goal ahead of him.

I was thinking that a middle way would be for him to work for 2 or 3 more years, 'retiring in post' at some point along the way, sacrifice the lower of 100% of his salary or the annual allowance (i.e. £60k), into his pension each year, and live off the inheritance during that time. Makes particular sense if much of the sacrificed amount would be dodging higher rate tax.

Not being rude but please make sure your kids are university suitable before sending them there.
I mean are they really academically able. They may well be. But it is to make sure that you don’t just follow the route ( which I think will change now anyway), and assume university is an essential. It is not.
Many people without a degree do very well in life. And many who have one can struggle.

But thats you.

Your husband has a different view. He wants other things from life than work, and the money gives the chance to do that whilst still contributing to the bills until pension

You basically want to bypass dh having any benefit from the money and pass it on to the kids?

I think you need to point out he needs to make up the pension contributions that would have been made if he stayed working otherwise he is relying on you to fund his retirement.

It sounds like there isn’t enough for him to retire no so perhaps the compromise is to revisit it in 2-3 years. Withe the escalating COL it doesn’t sound like it would even cover “his share” let alone pension contributions if he stopped now.

It's not really a benefit to Op if it's not something she's interested in doing. That's a bit like saying he wants to spend it on a boat for both of them when OP doesn't like sailing.

I think it would be selfish of OP to unilaterally take the money and give it to the kids. Even if the money were her inheritance, not DH. Though less selfish as most of the family benefit, just not DH.

Not quite 100% of his salary. Don't put the £12.5k personal allowance into a pension: it'll be unnecessarily taxed on the way out.

But yes - all the rest.

Possibly his wife's too - especially if she's a higher rate tax payer.

It's not a benefit to Op if it's not something she's interested in doing. That's a bit like saying he wants to spend it on a boat for both of them when OP doesn't like sailing.

I think it would be selfish of OP to unilaterally take the money and give it to the kids. Even if the money were her inheritance, not DH's. Though less selfish as most of the family benefit, just not DH. But she isn't doing that, she's just said that's her preferred way to spend the money. Whereas it seems DH is actually planning on doing this over her objections.

Bit of a stretch to accuse the kids of being selfish if they're being offered it by loving parents who still have a decade plus of working life to go and seem to have solid finances.