Neighbour asking me to take her to hospital appointments

[BecauseNothing]

A neighbour has asked me to drive her to, stay with her and bring her home from 2 upcoming hospital appointments. The first is in 4 weeks time and the second the week after. I have said I can’t because I’m working and she has asked if I can book the time off. I haven’t replied but this seems cheeky to me after I’d said no. AIBU? I need my annual leave for things with my own family. She has people who visit her who I presume are family and friends but apparently has no one to go with her. I work full time at home and have children so with everything that comes with that I’m busy.

Exactly this i was in hospital recently in a 4 bed room with 3 elderly ladies im in my 30s and they where all repeatedly asking me to pass them things or do things and when I would say press your button and the nurse/hca will come and they would say oh no i don't want to bother them but its ok to bother me and me to repeatedly jump up out off bed, I wasn't there for the fun off it was ill too.

Suggest she try community transport if they have that where you are. Cheaper than a taxi and they wait for you for the return journey. Think for older people who can't drive there themselves.

Sometimes we're not available for DMs frequent appointments, so she hops on the bus or gets a taxi. It's very easy. If your neighbour is having a procedure that requires a chaperone, she'll have to ask her other contact. She must understand that you can't give her your annual leave days

Community transport is a thing of the past, I think, and who can afford a taxi at £20 a time? There is little help available if you don’t live near the hospital. They are not interested in how you get there and how you will get home, which is a worry for many.

I don’t expect anyone to take me or give up their annual leave. I don’t ask. I agree it’s cheeky of the OP’s neighbour to expect her to put herself out. I have spent a lot on taxis. Not everyone can. I also used buses until I found it too painful to walk to the bus stop. It’s rare to find community transport these days.

I wonder how those who repeat this is not the OP's problem and call this request for help cheeky will feel if they ever end up old and alone with health problems.

It isn't about whose "responsibility" this is, it is about an older lady in need and doing what you can to help.

Accompanying her to an appointment does not equal becoming a carer, it's just a bit of kindness.

Also if you really are too busy to go to hospital with her on those days, which is perfectly valid, it is quite possible to still help and show kindness.

Saying because she has been on the planet almost 80 years she should therefore should know about navigating the world is just wrong.

Using the internet could be on many varying levels and does not prove she can do everything.

The people who visit her may be unable or unwilling to help too. Who knows?

The world has changed so much, is still changing everyday. By the time you are mid seventies there will probably be things you can't cope with unaided. Many older people are being shut out of society by increasing technology.

You could suggest hospital transport or a local voluntary car scheme and help her find the contact details.

This would take minimal time from you but could make a lot of difference.

Christ, some people have so little empathy and just see older people as an inconvenience.

Living on your own as you age and become ill or disabled is hard enough without the attitude of some people.

Taxis aren't cheap, but even if OP was able to help, petrol costs money, too. But that's OK because it's someone else's money?

All I would say is that it might actually have been hard for her to ask. Nobody likes being dependent. Nobody.
She may well assume you are a SAHM.
She may not even know about WFH. At all.
What you feel is fear. Of ongoing requests. I would actually spend a small amount of time showing her how to book the community bus or taxi. You say she knows how to use the internet. So help her out a bit. My late mother ‘used’ the internet. But could not have booked something from it. Hopefully, it is just a phone call.
As someone upthread said, it is a bit sad. Her family might be quite a way away.
Mid seventies will come to many of us. And being old I suspect and on your own in a modern and ever changing world, very isolating.

Patient transport is still available in many areas but not all.

In any case, asking the family and friends who visit you to help you is a better bet than asking your working neighbour to take days off work for you.

It's interesting that multiple posters are telling OP she should be signposting and facilitating the neighbour's access to various local options, with no idea if they even exist or not. Blithely assuring her that there'll be some middle ground help she can offer and she's wrong for not doing, even though that's nothing more than an assumption.

It does still exist, at least for my Mum and it's wonderful.

I don't think we should be calling an elderly person who is potentially unwell and feeling vulnerable a cheeky fucker. I mean no, it's not a reasonable expectation to ask op to use annual leave at all. And yes, the neighbour needs an alternative arrangement but we can be a bit kinder about them I think.

It's horrible when you don't have family to take you.

I agree wholeheartedly with @Ratherhaveacupofteaandabiscuit

It is truly heartwarming to read of so many on here who give up their time to voluntarily transport people to and from hospital - and at their own expense!

🙄

I'm a carer for my elderly, disabled mum so I know it can be hard to manage alone.

But you and others keep talking about showing kindness when nothing indicates OP is unkind to this woman. OP has given her cups of tea so clearly OP is kind.

Accompanying her to an appointment does not equal becoming a carer, it's just a bit of kindness.

It's not a 'bit' of anything. It's taking precious days of annual leave and time and effort. Calling that 'a bit' just shows how out of touch some people are.

It can't have been that hard for her to ask if she followed up straight after asking OP to take time off work.

Exactly, this has a whiff of neighbour wanting to tell her friends and family what helpful neighbours she has who want to take time off work to ferry her to her appts.

I bet she wouldn't ask you if you were a man. Asking you to take annual leave to take her to an appointment is a huge ask especially when you've got kids. Perhaps she doesn't realise that.
Does she see you stay at home all day so thinks you can't possibly have a real job?

That’s fine but it’s still less than a day of holiday club or taking a day of unpaid leave for the OP

This is a random neighbour!
Op works full time and has children
No doubt her leave is needed for CC and yet shes being expected to give up 2 days of leave for someone she barely knows!

Thats not kindness, she would be nuts to even consider it
The neighbour isnt " being kind" to a FT working mother is she?
The be nice crew are out in force again

@BecauseNothing
Dont feel guilty, your DC are your priority here
Firm no or else you will be at her beck and call
Fwiw my DMil was still out and about , getting the bus, taxis, trains well into her 80s
Buses round here are full of elderly ladies

If its 2 hours and medical tests that require someone to remain with and escort home thats her familys job

She thinks you're not really working because you wfh and because you're very close by, you won't have to drive from home in the way one of her friend or family members would.

If you are working, it's unreasonable for her to ask you to use annual leave, and still cheeky even if you are not working.

Can you give her the number of taxi company or private ambulance if she has no one within her family to help her sort out travel . Social services might be able to advise if she's getting dependent on regular support from others

Can see why people dont get into this. My mam will ask her neighbour if stuck. Then he called on next time... We do help but cant always take leave. My sister needs some days if her own kids unwell. My friend got into it with a neighbour but said she avoids her now as had no boundaries around family times/kids homeworks

We have a neighbour who recently asked for help as she was unwell and I did as much as as I could for a few days. She seemed a bit displeased we were going away and I would be unable to help further - I asked about her own family and she said she had sons but she "didn't want them bothered"....

I think there is often a perception that women can and should give help freely, but that men have better things to do

think there is often a perception that women can and should give help freely, but that men have better things to

Nailed it

I don’t see what in your reply disagrees with what I’m saying?

Personally, as a FT WOHM I never ask a SAHM for a favour precisely because I know I can’t reciprocate.

But that’s not the OP’s situation- she’s a WOHM who is being asked to take AL to do someone a favour. TBH people actually never ask me - perhaps I have “don’t ask me” vibes, perhaps because I don’t ask anyone else - but I’m talking about the OP’s situation.

Yep!