Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

He must have at least one day off work a week, so how does he smell when he comes round and hasn’t worked a long shift in a hot kitchen?

I don't think he should be showering in your home. He's already making a lot of extra work for you and your cleaner and he treats your home disrespectfully. I can see him leaving a pile of wet towels around and a big mess. He can shower before he comes to see your daughter. He's already treating your home like it's his and expecting you guys to clean up after him. I'd put a stop to that.

How long has she been seeing this guy?

Everything about this makes me feel so disgusted. What is your dd thinking!

Because after a few visits with the stench / toilet seat / not cleaning up after himself, I started taking note of his behaviour and noted he went to the toilet, flushed and walked straight out without the tap turning on.

I’d be telling my daughter if she wants him round straight from work he has to shower as soon as he gets in. I’d also be telling her she needs to wash up after her guest (immediately, not the next morning). I think both requests are reasonable.

Unfortunately you can’t really police him on the hand washing - as gross as it is.

It’s only relevant if op reports his hygiene habits to his employer.

The place he works is the type of place you’d expect not to be strong in hygiene, so I wouldn’t worry that any of you will accidentally go there.

I'd be worried that your daughter's standards are so low and would be tempted to raise this with her. Does she not feel she deserves a man who cares enough to want to be clean when he sees her? He doesn't have to be perfectly groomed and perfumed, but he should at least not stink (and should obviously wash his hands after using the toilet and not disrespect her home by leaving it a mess when he visits). I'd be discouraging this relationship if at all possible without driving her further into his arms. He doesn't sound like ideal son-in-law and father-of-your-grandchildren material, to be perfectly honest.

In the meantime, yes, I'd be setting an ultimatum. Either he starts showering before he visits and cleans up after himself or he's not welcome in your home. It's not too much to ask.

@Crazymidget Not to derail the thread, but yes, proper old fashioned bar soap (not Dove which is a creme) is better on BO than shower gel
Plus a good physical scrub with a wash cloth. This comes up.on menopause threads all the time
Mitchum or that new stuff Fussy, natural fibres, clean clothes after showering.

He's just a grot bag

Tell dd that when he visits he has to have a shower immediately otherwise he doesn't visit.

🤢🤮 Disgusting

I'd definitely point him in the direction of the shower.

Boaby your a wee bit whiffy after work. What shower gel / deo / shampoo do you use I'll get you some for here, then you only need to bring clean clothes, if your coming over straight from work.

He also works in a kitchen… so he probably doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet at work either. It is disgusting!

When I was first seeing my husband I worked in a food factory. I used to stink of pastry and fats. If we had done anything with cheese and onion that day, I would absolutely reek. I used to hate it when my boyfriend would pick me up after work and take me straight out to to the pub/shopping/a meal. I would be so self conscious of the stink. My boyfriend didn’t like me to waste my limited time showering (I worked 2 12 hour shifts and was at uni). I never could work him out.
I don’t understand how this man has no olfactory sense whatsoever! He must be aware of the stench. Either your daughter doesn’t want to waste their precious time together by ensuring he has washed or he has no respect for your daughter.

He should go home and shower and change. My bf's never arrived to visit me at my parents home and showered! They would want to know why and would think he was homeless.
Doesn't he care about being appealing to your daughter? Looking and smelling nice?

I wouldnt allow this slob in my house under any circumstances.

This is a problem with your daughter really. If she’s going to conduct a relationship in your home then there needs to be house rules and basic standards or they’re not welcome.

If someone cannot meet basic standards she shouldn’t be dating them at all. Someone who turns up stinking, and laughs about it has got serious issues.

I would also want to be certain she is actually inviting him and he’s not just turning up. Depending on his living situation this could be the start of him trying to cocklodge. He’s certainly not being respectful to any of you.

Is your daughter vulnerable in some way?

If you go to the likes of Marmaris, you'll find the hospitality workers sleeping in the back of the shop. In poorer families a lad is told to go and find work, when he is a teen. They literally just walk until they find a job and then are fed in work and take turns to sleep around the clock, out the back. There isn't a lot of washing going on, in many cases. The posters asking have probably experienced some parts of Turkey. That isn't racism. Racism is thinking someone is inferior. Some cultural norms are different and just because we don't want them, doesn't mean that we think that they are inferior, they are a difference that we don't want in our home.

I've banned a kid from my house because he stinks. I just don't think it's fair I need to clean all my carpets because someone refuses to shower. He ended up showering before he came so I feel like we added some benefit to his life by showing him it isn't acceptable to just go around stinking like that. It's antisocial behaviour.

You need to broach the topic again.
Insist that boyfriend showers after work. Ask him if his work place has a shower.
If not buy him a membership to the local pool. Ask him to please shower before coming home. And to please wear clean clothes every day.
It's your home so you have a huge say.

My son works at McDonald’s. I just can’t get the smell completely out of his uniform. I wash it and keep it zipped in a suit bag so it doesn’t make his room stink. He has to shower and wash his hair after each shift.

I think you need to tell him because there is no way your daughter is going to be direct enough. You would be doing him a favour.

so he’s from turkey, how did he get a visa?

Desperate for a bf which is why she’s dating him

This has been explained

You need to talk to your daughter about raising her bar.

I think the point was the lack of personal hygiene, ie not washing his hands. If he doesn’t wash his hands in a home after using the loo, he won’t be doing it at work either, therefore touching foods with piss/poo hands!