Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

How on earth can your daughter bear to be with someone so smelly? Or have him touch her with urine/poo hands?

Why is her bar so low?

The only thing I can think is that she is nose blind to him.

Sit her down and ask her, talk to her. I would be concerned if this were either of my DDs.

I would be wondering what the hell is wrong with them. I would also be upset at her lack of respect for our home.

Communicate.

The smell is due to working 8 hours in a kitchen.

Does your DD have a sense of smell?

Years ago I worked with a woman who had a terrible case of BO. During the summer months it was really really unpleasant and some people complained to the HR. It was a shame because she was lovely and married with children. In conversation she told us that her husband had no sense of smell.

It’s really odd you haven’t talked to her about this.

If this was me I would just tell him. I don’t know what is going on at the moment but everywhere I go there are men that STINK. On the bus, in taxis, in the supermarket. It’s disgusting. People are lazy and have no shame. If he didn’t improve I would absolutely ban him from my house. If I wouldn’t tolerate it from my own child, I will not tolerate from someone else’s.

I have a friend who sweats like it's an Olympic event. He never smells though. He just gets wet. He has regular baths and showers and always smells great. DH sometimes gets night sweats and again can make the sheets sopping wet but there isn't really a stink on him unless he skips showering (because he's ill or something). This suggests this BF is wearing clothes that haven't been washed or that he's not having daily showers. I guess there might be a medical reason. Strong smelling sweat can be an indicator of some. Or he needs to invest in Prescription level antiperspirant. You can also get armpit botox to reduce sweating.

Might not be just his armpits though 🤢

I do agree with this. I'm gay, but I dated men as a teen/young woman. A LOT of them were smelly. I had three boyfriends from ages 15-25 and they all had hygiene issues. They seemed to think it was normal?

One of them was utterly, disgustingly gross. As in would pee himself and go out to the shops, or not wash for weeks. Low self-worth was a definite factor in why I didn't see it as a huge red flag at the time.

Maybe this contributed to my sexuality 😆(it didn't of course, and I've unfortunately dated a smelly woman too)!

The minute he walks in your door get DD to send him straight to the shower and leave toiletries in there for him. I do this with 2 teens after they have been playing sport for a few hours. BO really is a hideous smell.

Turns out that unbeknownst to me, DH had a chat with DD this morning and told her in no uncertain terms he is to shower either before coming over or upon entering, that he was stinking up the house and we were having to pay the cleaner to get rid of the stench. We’ve come home today and the shower has clearly been used, so it seems as though it has sunk in (for now!!)

I hope you call him out on the untidiness around your house as well. I can’t imagine being a guest in someone else’s home and being so rude. It almost feels like a power play move from him, the not showering as well. Almost that he knows how unreasonable he’s being but knows people are too uncomfortable to call him out so it makes him feel powerful and in control.

It seems odd that doesn’t he shower in his own home before coming to see your DD. Does he live a long way away? Does he always have a change a clothes with him? If your daughter has visited his home, what did she say about its condition?

That’s good I hope he makes this a routine and must be horrible to have a stench all the time. In my previous job I used to do house visits and you’d go to some houses and it was shocking how some people lived. We had this one lady she had 14 cats and I kid you not you could smell it as you walked over to the front door. I honestly don’t get how people can live with these horrible smells lingering around their houses. 🤢 Anyway hope it’s all sorted for you now 🤞🏼🤞🏼

Honestly OP, I think you should be saying he's not welcome in your home.
He is absolutely disgusting.
I wouldn't be facilitating this relationship.

I would be devastated that my child's bar is so low.
It needs you to have a frank conversation, not least about his filthy lack of hand washing.

I have sons, this is so not normal behaviour.
He must be dragged up.

I find it very odd too. Strange that OP/her husband told him to shower there as opposed to showering at his own home. Whether his lives a long distance away would be irrelevant to me.

Their DD is 19, she’s a teenager. It’s not a serious relationship nor is he their SIL. There’s no boundaries in place at all.

Shocking right, but I bet it's a self-confidence issue on the DD's part too.
Good to hear you cut this crap out of your life and moved on to greener pastures :))

Its not odd to me, she's only 19, he's probably not much older.
He possibly doesn't drive, to go from work home, then return could be a serious PITA by bus especially in the evenings when bus services might be hourly or whatever.

Tell your daughter that her bf cannot come around until he's sorted his hygiene out. It's only good manners to be hygienic and not stink around people.

He can stay outside.

Tell him to go home and shower before he enters your property and suggest he requests they fit AC etc at work

I agree with this.

Good. I hope he is changing into clean clothes and his work clothes are getting washed as well!

Does the smell seem any better?

What about him not washing his hands after using the loo?

How things a week on @canyounotplease