Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

Look, you can't keep putting up with this. Tell him, kindly but firmly.

Yes, ideally he would go home, shower, change, and then come over. Unless the restaurant is near OP's house and it's a forty-mile round trip, say.

He must have a smashing big boaby for your dd to put up with such bad BO.

He’s your adult daughter’s guest, push it back on her. “Hey we aren’t happy with some of X’s habits, though he seems like a nice guy. Please tell him ne needs to shower before he comes and change into clean clothes (we are happy for him to shower here, as long as he tidys up after himself), and please let him know house rules are loo seat goes down and he needs to leave the kitchen as he finds it. If he cooks here and doesn’t clean up after himself we will consider that your job as he’s your guest”

No! Again, if he thinks it's just the cooking smells, he won't fix it properly! You HAVE to tell the truth in these situations: That it's BO and that it's BAD.

My point was, the cooking smells gives the OP an easy out for broaching the subject. Once she gets him to shower, she can proceed from there.

Oh God but imagine the state of it though. For the smell to be that bad, he must be festering away for days without showering or changing his clothes. It's got to be a minging UTI risk. I don't know how she could touch it without a pair of tongs.

Does that make a difference, then? Bar soap over shower gel? Asking because I am always keen not to smell!!!

He already sounds far too comfortable in your home. Do you really want him showering there as well?

I would want to know what’s going on with my DD if she was putting up with this. If it’s not affecting her social life it soon will be. Do they ever go out?

A bit racist too.

sad that your daughter has such low standards for herself.

Couldn't agree with you more.
Fresh BO is not unpleasant.
Stale unwashed BO is foul.

I cannot believe your daughter would tolerate that.
My boys have me tormented with their long showers, like most their age.

He's filthy in his personnand habits and he works with food.

Hard to believe his colleagues don't object.

Where is the racism?

Quite apart from the putrid stench, I'd be deeply concerned about my daughter's self-esteem. There's no way she can't smell it. Why does she think she's not worth even the most basic of effort?

Counterpoint: be harder on him. He’s a grown man, plenty of men are parents themselves at that age. There’s zero excuse for being dirty. He doesn’t live in a place where there’s no running water or access to bathroom facilities. He’s a lazy little oik. Why should OP pussyfoot around him?

Sounds like a medical issue if he smells that strong. If he works in a kitchen Id expect greasy smell.
Lay down some rules. He showers before coming round, your dauggter needs to tell him not to leave his mess behind and be more hygienic.

He’s not showering AT ALL by the sounds of it. That’s not from skipping a day is it, it must be embedded into everything he owns.

Since your daughter accepts his poor hygiene you or your husband need to say it.

I think he is acting as if your home is his own. Your daughter is probably to embarrassed to mention it to him. I understand she is embarrassed it's even hard for more experienced in life older persons. It is constructive criticism and he needs to know as he is probably nose blind to his own stink

I don't understand why you'll allow someone to stink your house out - forcing you to do extra washing - and not say something? Have you no backbone?

My DD's exGF worked in a greasy spoon type place, and she reeked of old grease after a shift. Luckily, I had a good relationship with her and was able to tell her "Sweetheart, I am so sorry, but you stink of grease. Hop in the shower and borrow some clothes from DD and I'll pop your stuff in the washing machine." After that, she would bring a change of clothes with her if she was coming to us straight from work, and happily went directly into the shower when she arrived.

YANBU, I would raise it properly with your DD and say that he either showers and changes after work before coming into your home, or bags up his clothes and gets straight in the shower when he arrives.

Where does he work? We need to know so we can avoid eating there.

You’ve got to speak up.

Asking whether him being Turkish was the reason. It’s plainly not relevant

@mumumental

Did you mean to quote someone specifically to accuse them of racism?

The op asked if being Turkish was relevant in terms cultural norms anround hygiene after being asked where he is originally from.

You’re surely not going to dispute that cultural hygiene norms vary significantly?

Out of interest, how do you know that he doesn't wash his hands after going to the toilet? Its an unusual thing to know about your DDs bf.