Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

I think it's the reference to not washing his hands after going to the loo, yuck

I missed that bit.

The not washing hands is indeed gross. Also lesson one on any food hygiene course.

ewwww, I think I would tell your daughter that she needs to tell him to shower before he comes over - tell her what the cleaner had to do to get rid of the smell, say if u don’t tell him I will. It’s just disgusting

And he needs proper bar soap for the armpits, not shower gel
Maybe Mitchum deodorant/antiperspirant too

And he needs proper bar soap for the armpits, not shower gel
Maybe Mitchum deodorant/antiperspirant too

And he needs proper bar soap for the armpits, not shower gel
Maybe Mitchum deodorant/antiperspirant too

My son is a chef and he doesn't stink of BO after a shift. Fresh sweat doesn't smell like that. If he smells of stale sweat, he's not washing often enough and he's not changing his clothes every day. If he's wearing his clothes on 2/3 days consecutively, the sweat will be embedded in the fibres and probably not come out in a normal wash.

You need to talk to your DD and make it clear that he needs to improve his personal hygiene and laundry or you don't want him in your house. Either she tells him or you do.

And he needs proper bar soap for the armpits, not shower gel
Maybe Mitchum deodorant/antiperspirant too

I agree with this! It sounds like he doesn’t feel too awkward or embarrassed, even if you do… So I would take advantage of that and be really upfront in a humorous (but firm) way. Even if that is not your natural persona, just put it on and act like you are that type of person who can say such a thing.

I always say similar things whenever someone says something like this.
Yes, you would be mortified (as would I!) but that's related to the fact that we would never smell this bad in the first place! People who do, and think It's okay, obviously are NOT mortified by it, they've a totally different psychological make-up.

See also 'I'd be so embarrassed if I overstayed my welcome' and 'I'd be mortified if someone had to tell me my house stunk of cat poo' yes, but we wouldn't overstay our welcome and we would make sure we didn't have a smelly house.

These people are vastly different. I agree with PPs. If he comes straight from work, he brings a change of clothes and showers as soon as he gets to yours. No exceptions.

He needs to go to his house, shower and change his clothes before he comes over.
His other choice would be to not come over to your house.

I would be dry-heaving and gagging to the point of illness if I had to smell that.

Does your daughter go to his house? A smell this bad to me isn’t just from work it’s from not washing regularly and clothes not being washed regularly combined with the other lack of hygiene I am willing to bet this is the way he’s been brought up!

If he stinks that much then he's not washing his clothes either. It all sounds utterly revolting. Please tell us which restaurant he works for so we can avoid it.

Tell your daughter if he's going to keep coming over he needs to shower beforehand. Why should you also have to pay for the hit water?

Why should you pay for him to shower, he needs to go,home and shower, put clean clothes on,if he still smells then there's an issue at his own house. He sounds lazy and dirty.

Also massively disrespectful to your dd

It's not just the smell is it though, I know you said the other issues were minor but he's actually being quite disrespectful to you. I would not tolerate the toilet and dishes issues you have described. At that age in my boyfriend's parents house it was please, thank you, can I help with washing up etc. I was so polite. Most people are polite in these circumstances. I'd ban him until he learns some respect.

Dh already told him. Id go to the room and say to both of them he is more than welcome but he brings a change of clothes and showers as soon as he arrives. Perhaps a couple towels of his own and soap + deodorant set.
Id be blunt as smells make physically sick.
Id also call him back to out toilet seat down and clean up his mess, just like u do with my own late teens

Just be matter of fact: "BF, the smell of your work is making our house smell and we don't like it. Please have a shower before you come over, or you can have one here as soon as you arrive, but bring clean clothes to put on please. Thanks."

I think its best to get daughter to gently mention this to him. Dont guilt or shame him that wouldnt be kind.

Many people cant smell themselves and are nose blind to their own stink. There could be medical issues makijg it worse etc.

If you really don't mind him using your shower each time, then tell him straight "we can't cope with the smell, youll have to shower when you get here".
If you dont want him using your shower and towels etc, you tell him and your daughter he needs to go home first and wash.

For the dirty dishes you need to stand in front of him and say "You need to respect my home and clean up after yourself every time"

Why are you offering your shower to him? It’s not your job to facilitate his cleanliness, he needs to sort that himself before coming to see your DD. Minimal requirements of adulting.

Tell him to piss off home and tell your DD to raise her standards.

This is a good point. I think sport laundry detergent or rinse aid has enzymes to target BO

Not washing hands after going to the toilet and he works in a kitchen. Worrying! I hope he's not handling food.

He wouldn’t be allowed in my partners restaurant.