Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

Tell him when he comes over he needs to bring a change of clothing and shower and change immediately upon coming in, if he can’t do it before he arrives.

Just tell her she has to do it to protect the furniture and smell of the house and if she doesn’t say it you will.

Oh god my dd also has a boyfriend who smells of BO.
its awful; sticks in my throat and seems to linger long after he’s gone.
I suspect he’s a shower/soap dodger, if he does shower here I can’t imagine he’s in there longer than about 3 seconds but he’s stayed before for multiple nights in a row and I don’t think he’s showered. He definitely doesn’t seem to own more than about 3 T-shirts!
He’s a thoroughly lovely lad, works a couple of jobs and his mum is equally nice but I just can’t understand why she hasn’t taught him the basics of daily hygiene.
Fortunately dd is now at uni so he’s not here as much as he used to be!
dd is very hygienic and showers daily as is quite normal, and doesn’t seem to sweat much (in that I’ve never noticed her smelling of BO), I can’t understand how she can sleep in the same bed as him, her room stinks once they’ve both vacated. Last time they were both here for a few days I left the windows open in her room for 3 days, changed the sheets and washed the cushion covers on her bed and finally the smell dissipated.
Just sending solidarity!

Yuck. DH worked with a guy who would shower in the morning and put his dirty uniform back on for a month. He left a jacket behind in our house. It stank of stale BO.

Imagine his cheesy nethers! Your daughter needs a shot of self esteem.

Sounds like a lynx gift set is on the way for him for Xmas

No. He wouldn’t be coming in at all. Your house, you don’t want your furniture stinking. Your daughter can see him elsewhere unless he sorts himself out.

@canyounotplease Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up

You were doing so well OP until you spat out this nonsense.

The default location for a toilet seat is underneath the lid, which ensures it is kept clean.

Leaving the seat down and the lid up leaves the seat exposed and it can become contaminated.

I would definitely tell her that. How grim!

If he isn’t washing his hands after using the toilet I would be speaking to his employer! That is rank. Please tell us where he works so we can all avoid the place 🤮

Put together a gift box of soap, shower gel and deodorant and present it to him. Hopefully it will generate the conversation you need to have with him 🙂

How awful. I dread to think of the stink of his nether regions 🤢

Tell him you're having to wash everything he touches, even your cleaner's complaining, and you're not going to tolerate it. Don't pussyfoot around either. Straight to the point. He's an adult FFS and shouldn't be inflicting his stink on others.

Also does he respect your daughter?

When the OP updated that he is Turkish, I knew immediately he lacked respect for them because he’s from a culture where he’d never be allowed in his teenage girlfriend’s family home (let alone shower there!) back home in Turkey. OP needs stronger boundaries with this young man because relatively speaking to him, your laid back attitude to allowing him into your home (assuming you let him in her bedroom too?) will be consider loose morally to him, he won’t respect it (or you). I’m surprised you and your husband have not connected this to his disrespectful attitude already.

By the way, I am foreigner (Russian) so this is not an anti immigration post. In my home country a teenager daughter’s boyfriend wouldn’t be coming over to the family home and showering there either

When he comes to your house after work, he showers immediately. It isn’t acceptable to stink out the joint! Either have a chat with your daughter and ask her to tell him he’s very welcome but needs to shower as soon as he arrives, or if she won’t talk to him maybe her dad can.

I think I would have a chat with your daughter as well and say she doesn’t have to put up with a man who stinks, it’s not showing her respect. You’re imposing this now but she should feel free to in future.

Edit: I have just read that he is Turkish. I worked in a kitchen 30 years ago with a bunch of Turkish guys. In their culture, it is usual to beat and abuse your wife. Not all men do - two of the men did not, the others did. One had a wife who he beat who wasn’t allowed out of their hotel-provided cellar apartment. He came out drinking with us every night and had affairs. Obviously things change in 30 years and not all Turkish men are the same but please be on your guard. Their culture is very different from ours, and not in a good for the women.

Maybe make it into something that feels welcoming… “we’ve got you a tshirt & joggers and your own shower gel / deodorant that you can leave at our house so that you can shower as soon as you arrive and not have to stay in your work clothes all evening”.

He works in a kitchen and doesn't wash his hands after going to the toilet????!? He sounds absolutely disgusting.

Your house your rules. Doesn’t your daughter have sense of smell? She either tell her or you do; in a nice respectful way.

Where is the restaurant so we never visit it.

This. She’ll be so mortified at the thought of you telling him that surely she’ll do it herself!

Ugghhhhh.

If he's coming over directly from work and has no place to shower beforehand, could you not request at least that he brings a clean change of clothing and has a shower as soon as he walks in the door?

Don't be too hard on him. He's young and also, nose blindness is a thing.

Sit him down, tell him you find the conversation awkward but it needs to be said - he is always welcome but when he comes over he has to go straight to the bathroom, shower and change into clean clothes.

Every time you find a messy bathroom/loo fetch him and DD and tell them to clean it up.

You are lucky in having one easy avenue to try.

What if you tried something like: "I know that you're eager to come here, and you rush over straight from work. But you probably don't realize that you're bringing all your work smells with you. You may not notice, because you've been around it all day. I know we mentioned it once, but I really need you to take it more seriously. Could you maybe start regularly showering when you arrive? I'd happily buy your favorite soap and deodorant, and maybe you can even bring a fresh shirt with you."

I'm assuming the kitchen that he works in is in a takeaway with a one star food hygiene rating?

Blimey. I'd be telling him that if he wants to come over he needs to pay for the cleaner since she's having to spend extra time ridding your DDs room of the smell. Or perhaps when he comes over, they can stay out in the garden (just keep your windows shut so the smell doesn't pour in).

Seriously though, idk how anybody can have such a sheer lack of self respect that they could cut about like that. I honestly would not let him in unless he showers before entering, or would tell DD she needs to visit him at his house, instead.

He quite simply wouldn’t be coming into my house.

I worked in kitchens for years and you do stink. I can’t imagine not scrubbing off the greasy filth as soon as you get in tbh. There was a brief time when both me and DH were in the pub kitchen together and we were basically racing in the shower as soon as we got in. The car used to fucking stink when we had both been in it after a 12 hour kitchen shift.

Make sure your daughter is on top of contraception and make sure this absolute bum doesn’t become the farther of your (stinky) grandkids 😂.

How long has she been with this dirty bird shower dodger? I couldn't imagine doing anything intimate with him I'm surprised she doesn't have constant UTI. I wouldn't allow him in your house unless he has clean clothes and completely scrubbed body and teeth hair antiperspirant shouldn't need to tell a 20 year old this but you can't continue having your house stunk up by that mongrel.