Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

Tell us where so we can avoid it please!

I think a more direct, factual conversation is required. I appreciate OP's husband has told him that he stinks but a more subtle, kinder approach might be better.

He wouldn't be coming to my house, so this wouldn't be my issue.
I'd be terribly concerned about my daughter too. How the hell can she tolerate this 😟?

I bet that isn't just fresh sweat. Having had the misfortune of being in close contact with a man like that, I think it's likely that he doesn't shower or wash his clothes for days at a time, on top of not going to the shower as often as he should. Such a massive red flag, and repulsive.

Or maybe try something more subtle, like audibly gagging and wretching outside the room when he's over.

Or have the shower running when he arrives and put up arrows in the house leading to the bathroom?

When OP opens the door just chuck a bucket of soapy water over him? Or hose him down like I do with my dog after a long walk.

So many options to explore

Hi the m word is disgusting to use. Please don’t

I don't understand the shower when he arrives an bring clean clothes comments.

Just no! This man reeks so much that they are retching and the op is having to deep clean any soft furnishings he has touched. This isn't a case of a bit of chip fat oil smell..

Why accomodate someone so devoid of respect for the OP's home and DD.

He works in a kitchen but doesn’t wash his hands after using the toilet? Please tell us which kitchen he works in so that we can avoid it like the plague.

Point him in the direction of the shower 🚿 and tell him to bring clean clothes.

He obviously doesn't realise he stinks.

Could you maybe start regularly showering when you arrive? I'd happily buy your favorite soap and deodorant

What a doormat.

Why is he showering at their house to begin with?? Don’t allow this young man to use your family home so casually. He needs to go home, shower in his own facilities then meet his girlfriend.

I'd just tell my dd to tell him to shower and that he is welcome to use yours. My dd runs a tight ship with her boyfriends and isn't shy about telling them to shower or tidy their rooms. I also wouldnt be shy about telling dd that he needs to be showering when he comes over. You are close to her(presumably), she is close to him, so let her be the messenger.

Maybe she finds his sweat smell sexy, pheromones? That, or she is desperate for a man that any ol skank will do. I would only allow him in the garden.

I have been in a few different restaurants in central London recently and a few of the waiting staff have absolutely reeked of Bo, to the point I wanted to leave. Why isn’t their manager telling them. I also had the same in supermarket on self scan. An employee came across to sign consent thing and I recoiled. Again, why didn’t her manager tell them to go home. It’s bad enough that their colleagues have to smell it, let alone the public who are paying for a service not an assault on the senses. I have never smelt this until recently. Men and women, both from the same culture (not Turkish!) Don’t want this to descend into a race thing, but I am wondering if their managers are afraid of being accused of racism if they tell them to use deodorant. Seems odd that customer facing roles aren’t made to smell fresh.

You know, I'm sure that some people have a compromised sense of smell. I remember a waiter once who stank of BO, but he was a young, fit guy. His sense of smell should have been sharp. And once I got into a taxi, and the BO was so bad I got straight out again.

The boyfriend probably thought you were referring to the food smells and doesn't realise he has BO so badly. Otherwise he wouldn't have treated the remark so casually. I think the kindest thing to do with someone like that is to tell them. They obviously don't know, because no one wants to smell like that. You or your husband could do it kindly, and it means your daughter doesn't have to tackle it. He needs a heavy-duty deodorant like Mitchum. I would tell him, and I would give him some Mitchum. There is nothing to be gained by pussyfooting around. And he should get his sense of smell tested, too. The cooking smells might be masking the BO for him, of course.

Dude is an adult. He can get in his own shower and buy his own deoderant.

Are you lost dear?

That occurred to me, but maybe going home to shower and change might involve a lot of time.

You're right that he should go home, but it's not a bad idea for the OP to make it easier for him by offering her own bathroom.

Yeah, my exH frequently smelt, and I always told him. (Bad breath from Atkins diet and eating pounds of cheese, and smelly sleep farts from same.) He never had BO, but I'd absolutely have told him if he did.

At uni, I had a boyfriend who was into being "natural," so he used talc as deodorant instead of deodorant. He did smell sometimes, but I was decades younger then and afraid of hurting his feelings. When I did eventually tell him, he said "Why didn't you say something before?" I think people's noses get used to their own smell and then they don't notice it anymore. You can tell people in a kind way. When did so with exH, I was kind but I was firm. I told him that his breath really, really smelt. It's a kindness to do someone, rather than letting them go around smelling.

Communication is everything!

I just wouldn’t let him visit. He sounds very disrespectful.

We had a house guest staying, absolutely reeked. The whole house stank of his bo. Had no issues being point blank and telling him to get in the shower and get busy with the soap. Sometimes you just have to be frank and tell them straight non negotiable.

Lots of people work in sweaty hot environments and don't stink. It's definitely nothing to do with being straight from work. His work clothes could be holding on to a smell but either way that level of stink comes down to poor hygiene. I think you need to talk to DD very honestly, if she doesn't accept your view maybe say it will become embarrassing for her too. That might make her think. She may have a weak sense of smell, I do too so my tolerance would be much higher than most people. But it's also something I worry about because I could fail to notice things and be thought poorly of

Have a similar issue as DD bf has a very smelly job.
However, he knows it and he if he has to come from work he leaves his clothes and shoes outside! He also showers. And he was leaving the toilet seat up but I told DD either she said something or I would and it’s stopped…..

You need to be more direct and lay some ground rules. Tell him when he comes in it’s straight to the shower and clean clothing. Work clothing goes in the wash or he goes home first before coming to yours - otherwise I’d say visitation needs to be at his house.

Must be a wind up
The daughter of she's not the same just wouldn't tolerate it.

He needs to know that it's bad BO, though, not just cooking smells. And he needs to know just how bad it is. I have dealt with this before. "Sweetie, I know you don't realise this, but when you're on the Atkins diet and are in ketosis, your breath really REALLY smells. I hope you don't mind, but I'm doing you a kindness by telling you how bad it is."

"Kevin, I need to tell you something. You're a really sweet guy, and we love having you around. But you don't just smell of cooking, you have BO, and it's really, really bad. You absolutely need to do something about this. I hope you don't mind, but I'm doing you a kindness by telling you how bad it is. Mitchum is a heavy-duty deodorant. Maybe try that?"

I can promise you this isn’t a wind up. When he first started coming over I thought it might just be me, until husband then smelt it and made the comment. I don’t know how she doesn’t say anything or notice it herself - maybe because they are mostly lounging in her room and they get used to the stench? It’s been so bad it’s emanated from her room into the corridor in the past.