Daughter’s boyfriend STINKS.

[canyounotplease]

My DD is 19, her BF is 20. He’s a nice enough guy, however me and my husband are having some issues with his hygiene. The main issue is that he works in a kitchen, and when he comes to see DD, he does so straight after work without showering. When I say he stinks of BO, I’m not just talking about when you get close to him, her room stinks to high heaven and it sinks into any room or furniture he’s been on. We have a weekly cleaner who went into her room after he’d been over and was absolutely shocked by how much it smells - she ended up changing the sheets and using carpet cleaner and other sprays to get rid of it.

Another time, my husband went upstairs and exclaimed, ‘it fucking stinks’, to which point the boyfriend laughed and said it was him. Husband then told him to have a shower which he did do, but this doesn’t seem to have embarrassed him enough and he continues to come over stinking.

My DD is incredibly neat and clean so I am shocked she tolerates it. We’ve mentioned it to her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says he comes straight from work.

Other minor issues are constantly leaving the toilet seat up, not washing hands after using the toilet and leaving dirty pots lying around where ever he’s been. There’s no thought to put it in the sink or dishwasher. We could live with that though, it’s the smell that is repulsive.

I don’t understand how his parents haven’t said anything and I’m not sure how we deal with this issue without completely alienating DD and her boyfriend?

Uh hell no OP! Since he is your Daughter's boyfriend I wouldn't even waste my time or energy to be addressing this with him. I'd tell HER straight: He is not to enter the house if he is unwashed and he needs to start cleaning up after himself in your kitchen. If he/they disrespect that, then he is no longer welcome.
Washing sofa covers, cleaner doing extra work... why on earth are you pandering to him? If your daughter doesn't like your (very reasonable) rules she should look to move in with him.

I went through the exact same thing with my dd ex bf. He was nice enough but stank! He did a manual job and wouldn’t shower when he came in.
he wandered washing his hands after the toilet as my room is next to the bathroom and taps never turned on 🤢
the whole house would stink when he was here.
My dd is fanatical about showers etc and we couldn’t work out how she put up with it.
Thankfully they’re not togetherness anymore

I would also say that you probably have to be genuinely skanky on a long-term basis to smell that bad.

DS is that age and we have major arguments about his personal hygiene (he has ASD). On at least one occasion he went a whole week without changing his clothes or washing. He did use quite a lot of deodorant. He was quite physically active during that week, doing gardening etc. At the end of it, he certainly looked dirty and unkempt, but the smell was surprisingly very faint and not nearly as bad as some people I've passed in the street or been stuck on a train with.

I wish I didn't have this information, but there you are. Your DD's boyfriend clearly has very, very bad hygiene on a long-term basis in order to smell as bad as that. He needs to shower and wash his hair and wear deodorant and change his clothes, preferably daily (although with DS we have had to compromise on every other day). Also he probably needs to was his clothes more than once, with an added oxy powder, to get the ingrained smell out. All of this may need to be spelled out to him. It shouldn't be your job. His parents should have taught him; maybe he's ND, or just a lazy skank. Or you could ban him from the house - perhaps he would learn from consequences? Unfortunately I've had to specify these requirements to DS far more often than I'd have liked.

I would be concerned about my DD’s self-esteem if she put up with this, OP.

I would be concerned about my DD’s self-esteem if she put up with this, OP.

Given his other gross behaviours, I think what he's suffering from is far more likely to be "reeking due to poor hygiene."

I would ban him. I would have absolutely zero tolerance for some filthy fucker stinking out my home. He had his chance when your DH told him to get in the shower. This stinker really doesn't care so he would be banned.

Beyond that, I would be concerned about my dd's low bar. After telling her he is no longer welcome, and why, I would want to have a conversation about why she is with such a minger. I really would be concerned about her own levels of self respect and self worth to be tolerating such a woeful lack of personal hygiene in a person she is dating.

Do some people just smell more I wonder? I’ve worked 12 hour shifts in a very hot restaurant, as a waitress, and never at the end of the day smelt (or I suppose maybe I wasn’t aware of it, though I think my mother would have said!). I would come home eat dinner and shower before bed. Or maybe he doesn’t know about deodorant.

I feel sick reading this and he isn't even in my home!

I work in a kitchen and I don't stink. I wear clean clothes and shower every day, and use deodorant. My hair and clothes do smell of food cooking but I don't smell of BO and nor do my colleagues, even on the hottest of days with sweat running down our backs.

I'd say he needs to shower before coming over, your daughter must be nose blind!

He works with food & doesn't wash his hands after using the loo? Disgusting.

It reminds me when I mentioned to a friend that her small son hadn't washed his hands after having a wee. Her response was he only used two fingers so it wasn't necessary.

Bad habit to get into. I hope he doesn't now work in a kitchen.

How do you know he doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet?

Why don’t you buy him a towel for your house and suggest that he brings a change of clothes when he comes straight from work so that he can have a shower and get changed to be more comfortable.

Vile, I am surprised your DD is okay with this?

I would be having very firm words with her.

It would be a straight up ban from me also I’m afraid.
He sounds like he has no respect for you, your husband or your home.
Also does he respect your daughter? When my husband and I started dating we made more effort to be our best selves, certainly wouldn’t be turning up to each others homes stinking.

He's working hard in a hot environment that also probably leaves smells in his clothes as well.

I'd sit them both down and say things need to change and there are some new rules about him being at your house. You're not ok with how bad he smells and his hand hygiene. Tell him directly he smells very bad and he needs to shower and change before he comes over, even your cleaner is complaining about the stench and it's making extra work for her.

If he uses pots and pans, he washes them. He washes his hands after toileting.

If he can't follow your house rules, he can see your daughter elsewhere.

If he's not washing his hands after using the toilet, don't ever eat at the restaurant he works at.

He's made himself awfully comfortable at your place and he's a visitor, not a family member and you need to make that clear. Visitors that stink up the place and leave messes aren't welcome.

I’d up the requirements before he steps foot in the door. But it might be best to actually try and have a calm conversation with him rather than the comment your husband made which doesn’t seem to have worked. I’d spell it out, tell him that he smells and his hygiene is terrible. Tell him he needs to shower, wash his hands, and change his clothes before he comes to your home from now on. Whoever his parents are should have done this already unless they are all the same.

And he works in a kitchen? With food?! Jesus wept. I'd be bluntly banning him. I actually have the opposite problem in that DS's boyfriend covers himself in so much spray that I've had to start opening all the windows when he's in my car. I don't know how I'm going to cope in winter but I've developed quite the burning hatred for Chanel.

@canyounotplease He clearly has no shame so you will have to be very clear;
"You are welcome to visit dd here in our house but you are not coming in directly after work because you need to have a shower first. And also wash your hands EVERY time you use the loo and don't make a mess."

Don’t be ridiculous, why would his nationality matter? He’s grotty and your daughter has low standards.

This would concern me more than the smell (or on par with!). Why is he not embarrassed? This would be the normal human reaction. Does he respond unusually to other things? I’d be concerned that he’s not a suitably mature or sensible enough boyfriend for my daughter.

No advice here but I emphasise, I would go absolutely nuts over everything you described. A disgusting violation of your home.

I worked as a waitress as a student and none of the chefs stunk of BO when we sat for staff drinks after we closed the restaurant. Even though they sweated over hot grills and there was no shower available for staff. The boyfriend needs to have a good shower before work and use deodorant. Being a chef alone doesn't make you stinky.

There are cultural differences in regards to hygiene practises - let's be honest here. Turkey isn't one of them however.

Maybe your daughter can't smell him, or he smells good to her?

There is a thing (and there is definitely some science behind it - I read it in a book and everything!) whereby women find certain men's pehremones very attractive. I have an ex who always smelled great to me, even when he had been working all day in summer (driving job, so quite sweaty) before showering. I would comment on how good he smelled, he would say "no I don't, I need a shower!". But to me he genuinely did smell really nice.

It's the science of attraction! Someone may understand it better than me and be able to explain why it happens - I just know it happens. My mom said the same about my dad - that he always used to smell good to her.

So your daughter genuinely may not realise how bad it is. But you just need to talk to her and ask her to insist he showers before coming over. The nicer you are about it, the more likely she is to listen and ask. Most people don't respond well to feeling bullied and insulted (even tho I know that is not your intention).

It's a sensitive issue - good luck.

You’re right. People who come home from Glastonbury or similar where it’s been v physical and with no access to showers for days don’t smell anything like what’s described here.