Pregnant, moving in together but I cannot stand his dogs

[fluffypillowspls]

I’m three months pregnant and currently do not live with my partner. Since becoming pregnant, I really cannot stand the smell of his dogs. I also really hate the fur everywhere.

One of these dogs is quite elderly and realistically won’t be around in spring next year when I am due. I think this is a really smelly one as he doesn’t take it to be groomed as they are so old.

His house at the moment really smells of dog and I decided as of last night that I’m not going to his house anymore. He can’t stay at mine because he has to go back to his to look after the dogs.

He has given notice on his flat and will be moving back to his mum’s for a few months to help her as she’s old with Health Issues. The plan for December January times was for him to rent a place for both of us. I really do want to live with him, and I know at that point of my pregnancy. I will really need him around and want him around. However, I cannot stand the thought of his stinky dogs being in the house and the fur everywhere.

The thought of having a child and having fur all over their baby clothes really stresses me out. When I go over to his house now I literally have to hold my nose and he does try his best to clean mop etc but on some occasions it is really strong smelling. He is his nose blind to this and doesn’t realise and I’m sure he thinks I’m exaggerating.

I am bothered by this so much that I actually wish I could turn back the clock and not get pregnant because he does come with the dogs as a package. Obviously, I can’t do that and I’m not going to terminate, especially at this point, but I just feel so stressed out and down about this.

I’m considering maybe we just don’t live together once we have the child so I don’t have to be around the dogs but when I broach this with him, he was offended and did not agree at all with the idea.

I can’t tell him not to keep his dogs and I wouldn’t say that because one he would resent me and two he had them first, but I just cannot see a world where I am happy with having these two dogs or even just one of them around.

He has said that when we get this place together, he can section off areas for the dog/s to be, But I still think the house is going to stink and the fur will still get everywhere. I want my baby to be able to crawl around and not have fur all over them.

I don’t even know what I want from this post, but has anyone been in this situation and has it got better? Or am I just doomed? Has anyone decided to live apart from their partner.

They were here first 🤣🤣🤣

Absolute bullshit. Why do so many dog haters insist all houses with dogs smell? THEY DO NOT.

Different breeds of dog have different types of fur/hair. Some breeds smell and lots do not.

I have many many friends with dogs and some of their houses smell of dog but most do not. The ones that do not mainly have the same breed of dog.

I don't think its a question of maturity. He may not be that bothered about having a child and likes having dogs. We don't know how or what contraception was used or what the agreement was between them. But if the OP can't tolerate dogs and doesn't want her child around dogs and the father has dogs and wants to keep his dogs what other solution do you see?

actually in my experience they do....like homes with cats, birds or people in. Every house smells of whoever lives in it. Even clean mammals have their own smell....and I have visited many houses. Yes there are dirty houses that do stink but mostly its just the smell of whoever lives there......most people don't mind or don't notice it.

I sympathise with you, it is a difficult situation.

When DH and I met 14 years ago, I had a 4 year old and a 7 year old, he had a 1 year old puppy. He loved his puppy and wasn't going to rehome it.

I am not a dog person, I don't like the smell of dogs or all of the hair. We both felt with each other we'd found the person we wanted to be with forever.

Having a dog all over the house with no dog free space would have driven me crazy. I coped with it when I went to his house, but couldn't have tolerated it in my own. He didn't allow the dog in the bedroom at his house which gave me some dog free space there.

After about a year together I started letting him bring the dog to stay at weekends. It was a bit of an experiment at first. I rearranged my fairly large kitchen diner and bought a large child/pet gate that could be attached to the walls and divided the kichen diner up into a dog area with dog sofa and everything else for the dog. This was by the french doors to the garden so the dog had access and was the space where our dining table had been, so the dog had reasonable space and anybody could spend time with the dog there.

We actually did this for 4 years. When he brought the dog with him, that was her space, like her second home. She got used to it. The kitchen smelt of dog and the hair got into the rest of the kitchen a bit but I was able to keep on top of it. It was DH's responsibilty to clean the dog area and sweep up the hair/mop the floor in there.

Some people might think this wasn't fair on the dog but she seemed happy and knew it was her space.

My older son loved the dog but my younger one wasn't keen. So we had the freedom to decide how much time we spent with the dog.

Eventually after 5 years together he sold his house and moved in and the dog simply moved into her space and we carried on like that.

Since then DH and I have got married, the dog passed away, my kids started uni.

Now it is just us apart from uni holidays when my kids are home. We are in the process of renovating the kitchen/diner now to make it a more homely space that we can relax in, now that the dog area is no longer needed.

But DH is the love of my life and I am glad we found a compromise.

Give it some time, you might well find that its ok by next trimester.

You need to live in your own place.
Owning dogs doesn’t mean that the house has to smell: the dogs need to be groomed and bathed regularly and the house cleaned properly.
He’s clearly a neglectful dog owner who also has disgustingly low hygiene standards.

What do you mean "they smell because he doesn't take them to get groomed?" All it takes is washing them down. At home. You don't need to get this done professionally.

I'd also be careful as you sound gleeful - like you're looking forward to the older one's inevitable passing in the next year or so. And he will be heartbroken.

It doesn't sound like he would be willing to rehome his dogs because of you - and why should he? He would resent you for this.

"Get the dogs cleaned" a pp said. FFS they're not a garment! You don't take them in for a dry clean!

You sound totally incompatible. Not sure what to say to you, because you chose your path and are now kicking up a stink. Pardon the pun. 🙄

True though.

🙄 No! I am advocating for the animals!

What is disgraceful is an unplanned pregnancy when all of this was NOT thought through!

Also, what exactly do you mean by “they can review the dog situation later” ?!?!

How about they “review” the baby situation “later” ? No, it doesn’t work like that!

"You need to live in your own place."

But if the father wants shared custody and to have the child at his?

That's why I said either a termination or a child with no acknowledged father.

Unless he is actually abusing the dogs no one can make him change how he cares for them. We also don't know objectively how he is caring for the dogs. We only know that he is not meeting her standards but her standards are "NO DOGS"

Totally disagree, and I’m thinking of 12 week pregnant op reading this while feeling sensitive and vulnerable. Horrible response.

I have a dog and love dogs but don’t like them whining or barking! It’s not about selfishness, it’s ok op for you to feel how you feel about hair and smell etc. Yes this situation could have been foreseen but being pregnant changes you, your senses as others have said and your whole orientation towards protecting your baby. When you didn’t really like the dogs in the first place, that response is now over amplified. I think you should plan for your own place for the time being.

@fluffypillowspls OP I haven’t read the full thread, only your posts. I expect this has already been addressed (sorry, I would read all the posts normally but am short on time). In case not, it struck me that you said it’s since becoming pregnant you can’t stand the smell. In terms of this timeline, it’s quite common to have a heightened or altered sense of smell during pregnancy, and to find certain smells intolerable. So too increased intolerance of things like fur (I grew up with animals and a high tolerance for/relative indifference to all the fluff, but remember a time in pregnancy when I was suddenly deep cleaning between every crack trying to get every single hair!). You may find this is a temporary problem for you and so I would really recommend that you don’t make long-term decisions now based on this feeling, all-consuming though I know it is.

Also, would it help you to look into the objective evidence around that exposure to dogs and their fur antenatally and in infancy boosts children’s immune systems, reduced their risk of allergies, and is good for their health overall? Here are a couple of links:

https://europeanlung.org/en/news-and-blog/babies-who-grow-up-around-dogs-may-have-a-lower-risk-of-developing-childhood-asthma/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10057762/

https://childcohort.ca/furry-friends-help-fight-obesity-allergies/

I know people who don’t have pets who have made a point of spending time in households with dogs in order to give their babies a healthy start!

I’m not saying this to diminish your feelings at all. It sounds really hard.

Also, people do successfully parent as couples with more unconventional setups such as living separately. This needn’t automatically be a disaster or signal the end of the relationship.

Perhaps you could hold off on the plan to move in to a new place together in the new year, given how you feel and the moment and seeing as circumstances mean your partner can be with his mum for a while. But you may also find your feelings about this aren’t as strong later - maybe just take things one step at a time for now? And you may find that down the line, your partner’s suggestion of keeping the dogs in a specific area of the shared home and being on top of the cleaning as much as possible could be an acceptable scenario for you.

I also wonder if you could access any counselling around how you’re feeling about this as it sounds like things are very stressful for you. Do you have friends and family to talk to?

On a practical note, your baby is more likely to have pet allergies if they’re not exposed to animals from the earliest times, so it could be worse to keep yourself and the baby fully separate, if you then later do combine households.

Not read the full thread but you can get dog groomers to come to the house, my neighbour used to have one come on a regular basis. This could solve some of the problem in relation to the smell and the hair.

I've never had dogs, DH's family had some and I don't remember much hair but they were different breeds. We have cats and their fur is a problem.

May I suggest for the baby (and the dogs if you continue the relationship) a spot cleaner machine. DD got one when she had an elderly cat and when the DGC arrived it was invaluable. I have one now I was so impressed with it. Spills and messes cleaned within minutes.

Hugs

Edited I'd just posted but have now read @CatFairy - a lot of good information for you

But it’s irrelevant?

Of course it does - you are talking as if the dogs and the baby are somehow equal in all of this when they aren’t

I don't care if you think it's a horrible response. Its completely fine not to be able to tolerate the smell of dogs. But an old dog that's on its last legs -cant tolerate them whining and barking?

And the last hes a high earner - so he would look after her unless they split because most men become evil when they are no longer in love

Where have the dogs to go then. Particularly the elderly one.

Someone suggested the older dog be PTS? Actually get in the sea. Animals aren't commodities that you can just palm off or get PTS on a whim.

You don't like dogs barking! Why do you own one then.

She's considering an abortion over two dogs ? Plenty of people have dogs and babies.

Does he bathe the dogs if he's not talking to a groomer he should do the grooming himself. Bathe frequently, brush daily, hover daily, mop daily. I have dogs and do this, my house doesn't smell or have fur wverywhere

This.

Without this pregnancy you’d probably have never have ended up together long term. What a mess. You’re simply not compatible and you’re just going to make each other miserable while trying to “be a family”. The dogs are going to have a shit life while he tries to confine them to certain rooms, you’re going to still be stressed because the house will still smell and have hair to some extent even if they’re confined - and a confined dog will probably howl, and he will feel bad about them being confined and realise that life with you and his baby will mean he can’t have another dog, which is a really sad thought if you’re a dog person. And the baby will have a mum and dad that gradually resent each other more and more until they split up. It’s all just a recipe for disaster!🙁

When he moves in with his mum, does he take his dogs with him to her place?

I think he, his mum and his dogs should live at her place until the time comes when you can live with him as a proper family.
You keep your place and he stays with you and the baby as often as he can.

He has a massive job on his hands.
A career to keep on top of, his mums health to organise, his dogs to love and care for, as well as his priority…his pregnant girl friend to plan a dog-free home for.
He needs a good reliable dog sitter and dog walker.
And he needs a good reliable cleaner as long as his dear dogs are still alive.
So your joint financial planning has to include all that.

It’s entirely possible that his feelings will change when the baby is actually born.
You too, may feel slightly differently once your hormones and heightened sense of smell go back to normal. The older dog won’t last forever and just one dog, though intolerable for now, might not feel quite so onerous further down the line, especially if the new home is organised and maintained hygienically.

Congratulations OP.
As long as you feel loved and supported and properly understood by him, you can always work things out so please don’t panic. Talk about it fully and don’t hide your feelings from him. Good luck.

This. Every single word of this.

I don't have any magical solutions OP but I know that houses where dogs reside always smell of dogs, regardless of how clean the house is.
It's almost like the owners become immune to it.
I am against separate living separately for couples in a relationship with children (my personal view).
What about finances amongst other things?
As others have said, it seems unfair for him to let his dogs go and you may have a heightened sense of smell at the moment. I think a degree of compromise is required.
Wishing you well OP.