Pregnant, moving in together but I cannot stand his dogs

[fluffypillowspls]

I’m three months pregnant and currently do not live with my partner. Since becoming pregnant, I really cannot stand the smell of his dogs. I also really hate the fur everywhere.

One of these dogs is quite elderly and realistically won’t be around in spring next year when I am due. I think this is a really smelly one as he doesn’t take it to be groomed as they are so old.

His house at the moment really smells of dog and I decided as of last night that I’m not going to his house anymore. He can’t stay at mine because he has to go back to his to look after the dogs.

He has given notice on his flat and will be moving back to his mum’s for a few months to help her as she’s old with Health Issues. The plan for December January times was for him to rent a place for both of us. I really do want to live with him, and I know at that point of my pregnancy. I will really need him around and want him around. However, I cannot stand the thought of his stinky dogs being in the house and the fur everywhere.

The thought of having a child and having fur all over their baby clothes really stresses me out. When I go over to his house now I literally have to hold my nose and he does try his best to clean mop etc but on some occasions it is really strong smelling. He is his nose blind to this and doesn’t realise and I’m sure he thinks I’m exaggerating.

I am bothered by this so much that I actually wish I could turn back the clock and not get pregnant because he does come with the dogs as a package. Obviously, I can’t do that and I’m not going to terminate, especially at this point, but I just feel so stressed out and down about this.

I’m considering maybe we just don’t live together once we have the child so I don’t have to be around the dogs but when I broach this with him, he was offended and did not agree at all with the idea.

I can’t tell him not to keep his dogs and I wouldn’t say that because one he would resent me and two he had them first, but I just cannot see a world where I am happy with having these two dogs or even just one of them around.

He has said that when we get this place together, he can section off areas for the dog/s to be, But I still think the house is going to stink and the fur will still get everywhere. I want my baby to be able to crawl around and not have fur all over them.

I don’t even know what I want from this post, but has anyone been in this situation and has it got better? Or am I just doomed? Has anyone decided to live apart from their partner.

Sorry...wrong thread!!

Yeah I know. How do I delete it?

OP the only part of this where you're being unfair was that comment about him being a high earner and men turning evil if you break up. Decent men don't turn evil. A man not wanting to fund his ex girlfriend's life isn't being evil, he's being sensible with his own money.

You seem to have a misplaced sense of entitlement to be "looked after" by the father of your child. If you're no longer part of his family unit then why should he pay for your life, beyond the legal amount of child maintenance? UC exists for these situations, it's not like Victorian times where you'd be starving homeless in the gutter or a prostitute or in the workhouse!

You have to get a bit of sense around this aspect and get your head out of the sand regarding this little fantasy you've got going on where you all live happily together, because it's almost certainly not going to happen and you're going to end up a single mother. If you really really aren't prepared to do that then you need to accept that this is the wrong time in your life to be having a baby.

Have you met any single parents? I feel like you're a privileged middle class woman who's never had to slum it and has a fear of anything approaching poverty. If you speak to people who are getting by as best they can as a single parent, you'll see it's not a bed of roses but it's not necessarily a disaster either, not if they really want to be a mother above all other things in life. People do manage when they have to, regardless of being poor, losing their career, juggling work and childcare etc. it's perhaps more of a disaster if they weren't particularly fussed about having DC in the first place, so all of that feels like so much more of a burden to them.

Use the report button and ask MN to do it. You can't delete posts yourself.

Because for a great many people the pets are equal to humans and just as much a part of the family. It's a significant proportion of the population, not the odd random weirdo, who feels this way. You can't understand it because you're not one of those people, but you need to accept those people do exist and that not everyone thinks the way you do.

I’m allergic to a lot of dog breeds so it would be a deal breaker for me. I have cats. When my now partner first met them he loved them from the start, he’s an animal lover with no allergies. Had there been a problem I wouldn’t have pursued the relationship.
you’re a bit further along than that (understatement) but is it as simple as him needing to clean his house better? I have plenty of friends with dogs and their homes don’t stink.

You won’t always feel like this. Everything is heightened at the moment. When I was pregnant even the smell of potatoes made me gag. Eventually there will only be one dog and you’ll find a way of dealing with that. I have a dog and there is no smell and I’ve been told that by visitors. Plus they do say babies brought up with animals have a stronger immune system. Yes I know hairs can be a nuisance but that can be dealt with too. It’ll all be ok.

Yes, babies brought up with dogs tend to be healthier in several specific ways, particularly regarding their immune system development. 1, 2]
Research

I thought so. I was responding to the poster saying about her moving in with 'three animals she didn't like (paraphrased)' then later saying he had three dogs.

They may think that but it’s just not true. I say this as a huge animal lover who’s has had cats, dogs, horses and numerous other creatures. That’s partly why there is such a problem with crappy dog owners. Sadly. They are not babies , they are not the same as children, they do not equal humans. They are pets. And I actually think in this case it’s better for the Dad to be there without the dogs rather than everybody saying she should bring the child up on her own.

Why should an elderly dog he's had probably it's entire life be dumped. Do you know anything about animal rescue. Shelters are full. Even the big ones. That's why you see animals being offered out every day on Facebook. You don't just dump animals. If you don't vet people properly these dogs or any other animals can meet a horrible end.

Where do the dogs go? I'm in Scotland and the SSPCA are taking in only the worst abuse cases. That's because shelters are full.

but she didn't like the dogs before she was pregnant.
"Before the pregnancy, we used to go out a lot and he used to mainly come to mine as he had a housemate so on the occasions where I was at his it wasn’t so much of an issue."

The baby wasn’t planned no, but obviously we are now in this situation and believe me I am so worried about this dog situation that I have considered termination but I know if I do terminate it will be the end of the relationship and I’ve also just had my 12 week scan, so to end a pregnancy at this point, simply because of dogs just doesn’t make sense.

Have the termination, should have done so a lot earlier or taken the MAP.

You also need to end the relationship if you're looking to settle because you don't want to live with dogs and this guy likes living with multiple dogs.

How do people get in these situations?

I have an answer but it will get me banned

It is true for the people who feel that way. The fact you disagree and thinks pets aren't equal to people doesn't make you "more right" than the other type of person who thinks they are equal.

You can't control how others behave and if someone believes pets to be equal, they're not necessarily going to re-home a pet for someone else's sake. You can say they should (in your opinion, which is all it is) but if they disagree with you they're not going to do it.

You just can't look at someone who has a fundamental difference of opinion to you, announce that the way they live IS WRONG and that they should do things differently because you say so and expect them to comply. That's not how life works.

This pregnancy was unplanned, this man may love his dogs like they're family, he may want them more than a child he's not even met yet and there's no guarantee he's ever going to get rid of them just because the mother of his child doesn't like them. You can say " he should, for the sake of the child, so they can live together" or whatever your argument is, as much as you like, but if he doesn't feel that way about it then he doesn't. It could equally be said that OP should put up with the dogs for the sake of living together.

Fact is, if one parent is miserable with the relationship and what they've had to do to make it work then either the relationship fails altogether and they split or they stay together but it's an unhappy relationship. It won't magically become a perfect relationship just because they're living together.

You sound extreme in your dog hatred. I would enormously resent anyone asking me to give up my dog, to be fair I just wouldn’t do it. When I was a small child my dog was my best friend and a bond children without pets miss out on. It also teaches responsibility and empathy. I hope you don’t pass along your feelings for animals to your child. A bit of dog hair will do them no harm at all. I see it sometimes where parents have created unreasonable levels of fear in their children. Correct and appropriate interaction is great.
Even if you live in different houses and you share custody your child is likely to end up loving the dogs in the way a lot of kids raised with dogs do.
The dogs have been there since before you so you really should have not got involved with a dog person if you feel so strongly about them. Do you want a child? Termination over a dog is a whole other level.

Honestly I think it's hormones combined with not thinking things through.

Oxytocin, or whatever it's called, the one that happens when you have sex (for women anyway, not sure if it's the same for men). Makes people feel like they're in love, so they ignore glaring incompatibility in the relationship/person or red flags or whatever.
Combine that with two people, neither of whom thinks (in isolation) that it's a disaster if there's a baby or who just doesn't think about it at all, and contraception use can become lax, just not a priority. Because let's face it there's no such thing as an "accidental" pregnancy really. It just means two people didn't use enough birth control to ensure it never happened.
But they don't really know each other well and when a pregnancy occurs they both assume, as they've probably been doing for the entire relationship, that if they move in together the other person will be the one to compromise on the thing (dog ownership /doglessness) they don't like. I can totally see how it happened.

I was always obsessive about birth control when younger because I didn't want a baby at that stage when I didn't even live with my boyfriend. He was less obsessive about it and there was sometimes pressure on me to ignore it because "it'll probably be fine". One day I had it out with him about his attitude on that score and it turned out it was worse than I thought. He said it didn't really matter if I got pregnant because "you'll just have an abortion won't you". Like it was a done deal, no biggie, and not in any way a potentially life altering medical procedure with risks. He hadn't considered my opinion on the matter at all.

I've met a few girlfriends who've just stopped taking hormonal contraception because they wanted a baby, without any conversation with their partner, just assuming/hoping he'll be ok with it and step up as a father. Some of them have slated the man afterwards for not wanting anything to do with the child he thought was being prevented from occurring.

I've even known one couple where the woman wanted a baby and there was just never any discussion about contraception at all whatsoever. When she became pregnant her partner was quite shocked to discover that she wasn't on the pill and never had been. Madness, IMO, but there you go.

I just think it's really common for people to not worry too much about pregnancy because [insert thing that they "know" will happen here] only they aren't necessarily correct in what they think they know.

Exactly this, plus if it's the smell. Babies reek as well 😂

Maybe his mother will have them? You can find homes through word of mouth.

People literally post stuff like this on the local Facebook pages. It isn’t hard.

good homes? and how cruel to rehome an old dog.

His mother who is unwell. No. You don't yank an elderly dog out of the only home it's ever known. He will be bonded to his owner

And how do you know the dogs will end up in a good home

Oh no. You are completely wrong. It is hard. There are people on Facebook groups struggling to re-home their dogs and other animals.