AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I agree with this 100%.

When we are drained and run ragged by picking up the slack as well as wrestling the chaos inflicted by the deliberate studied ineptitude of a passive aggressive man - our time, physical energy, headspace and emotions are drained by that character. We all only have a finite amount of each of these which decreases as we age thru peri - which means we have led to give to our children - and the exhaustion, frustration, contempt, resentment and anger spins us into the woman and mother we never wanted to be. Get him gone. How much is he costing you a year in alcohol, solo holidays, gym, festivals, social life? Divert that cash back to the family pot to extend your kitchen or loft.

Sorry but he sounds awful. How much is he spending on those personal leisure activities? Yes, everyone needs some downtime but if he enjoys music and your budget is tight that could be a pub with live music. Frankly he doesn’t sound cut out for Masters level study (I did one on top of working, with a pre-schooler, no extra childcare and a husband working long hours) but I don’t think it’s for mental health reasons - he probably wouldn’t be up to the workload. His MH would also improve with less alcohol.

If he’s spending £100-£200 on these concerts then that rapidly adds up. You could be spending extra on your mortgage.

As for failing to give the medicine…!

I think it would also help to begin trying to move your children even tiny steps in the direction of self-management. Ultimately they have to be working towards adulthood and some form of independence. Look at the climate around NEETs and possibly ending benefit support for those with MH conditions.

I have worked with children and there seemed to be something just a tiny bit manipulative in your son’s reaction to a proposed change? Yet they both are ok to socialise in groups. I am not denying their needs but think they may be a little bit more resilient than you think.

I'm sorry, I have no advice but I feel desperately sorry for you. I was in the exact same situation several years ago and almost had a breakdown over it. It was on my mind constantly. I refused to have anybody to the house and I was angry 24/7. Constantly Googled friends and acquaintances houses, which made me even more miserable, seeing that they were all living in 'proper' family homes. Used to cry every time we pulled up outside the house because I couldn't stand the thought of going inside that tiny, cramped shithole. Had to drag the (tiny) kitchen table and block the doorway every time we wanted to use the washing machine. Hung clothes up in the shower because we could only open one wardrobe door fully as the bedroom was so tiny. Absolutely nowhere to store shoes or coats or a hoover. No room for even a tiny toddler slide in the miniature garden, let alone room for bikes or scooters. I felt like I had let my children down hugely, which upset me more than anything.

To make matters worse, my husband saw no issue at all, and got angry every time I brought it up, so I couldn't talk to anybody.

We eventually bought a bigger house in a not-quite-so-nice nearby town, because I couldn't bear it any longer, and I don't regret it in the slightest.

OP, any posters who are blaming you for this situation or reeling out a list of how you can live even more frugally need to give their head a serious wobble.

I strongly believe that this post needs to be on the table in front of every single member of our parliament. Every single person who complains about people using benefits and UC, every person who retorts 'just get a job' to those struggling, everyone who dismisses ND and the struggle our children face just to live their lives.

Putting your useless DH issues aside for a moment, you and your DH are university-educated, working people, literally working to deliver babies and save lives on the front line. You should be able to afford a living that whilst not extravagant, is comfortable.

You should be able to access the right support for your ND children so that they can get the tools they need to be able to access education and future independence and employment, and you should be able to work without panicking about paying the mortgage.

Quite frankly, it's unacceptable that so many families that 'do the right thing,' who work and raise family within their means are feeling so impoverished.

You are not a failure. You have been failed. And I am so sorry.

I think for all your sakes you need to discuss moving to a much cheaper area. The jobs you have within NHS allow easy moving to new areas. Try up north. You can get a more spacious 3 bedroom house for £130-140k.

I suspect they don’t invite friends around because they are conscious on some level that their DF is a drunk and the atmosphere in the house is intolerable as their DM is strung out. AA define alcoholism as not what is drunk, how much or when - but how the consumption impacts the relationships of those around you. Seems your DH has zero relationship or responsibility to his DCs or wife - just an indulgent selfish party animal for himself.

I agree with PP that the meltdowns in your teens are likely due to absorbing and internalising the family home emotional distress from an unreciprocated marriage - even if it’s all unsaid. A calm and peaceful home is the aim.

I also suggest that hid ‘MH’ issues which prevent him studying and advancing his career are actually depression from hangovers.

I agree.

However in this specific case I would like to look at the cost of the DHs alcohol habit, solo holiday budget, etc - this might be a considerable drain on the family finances - depriving the OP and her DC of significant comfort emotional and financial.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug and also a huge bucket of reality
First of all you are both in highly valued careers and I thank you for what you do for us all.
Secondly your children have a roof over their heads, something that billions of people don't have due to geopolitical reasons.
You are blessed beyond words to have your own home in a good area. Buyers will always be advised to go for a decent area and a smaller home that a huge house in a dodgy one.
Your teenagers might need a reminder now and again of how fortunate they are.
Just a suggestion here, a great thing to try now and again is a massive declutter. I know it sounds silly but it can be hugely rewarding and maybe a bit of IKEA magic to redesign a bit.
Just remember we are not defined by what we own. You are doing brilliantly.

Do you live in London area OP? If so there will be so many more like you swimming hard only to keep head above water. My DS couldn't afford a house where I live despite working 50 hours a week. He moved up North and bought a nice 2 bedroom terraced house and has saved enough now plus paid off 6 years mortgage to afford to upgrade to a more spacious 3 bedroom house.

Is suspect the 4 day week is to allow him
more nights to drink intensely.

I think OP has had quite enough 'reality.'

This mentality of 'others live in shacks in the desert so be grateful' is shocking. In the middle east, women are beaten and murdered. Should we be blessedly grateful every day that our husbands don't beat us?

We live in the UK, not Haiti. OP has a job that requires a high level of skill and education. She and DH work hard (again useless DH issues aside) - why should she accept that despite doing everything she should, she should resign herself to a life of poverty, living in a two-up, two-down and panic about paying the mortgage? Add to this the heartbreak and stress of raising ND children?

This competitive race to the bottom "well I survive on £2.50 a week and a vat of lentil soup" needs to stop. If our Government want people to work, they need to support people who work to be able to live on the salaries they get.

I understand the challenges and frustrations of living in a tiny house, believe me, but you are making it worse for yourself by constantly comparing what you have to what other people have. For all you know, your kids could have picked up on your unhappiness, and secretly feel it is their fault since their needs mean you can't work more hours and so earn more money.

Since you are stuck in this situation, the only positive option available to you is to stop worrying away at this wound by making those constant comparisons.

Rearranging the deckchairs on The Titanic springs to mind with this post.

We have a problematic drinker who has deliberately absolved himself of any responsibility to his children, wife and home. His cuntish passive aggressive moves are the weaponised incompetence to OPs requests for help. He has insulated and detached himself from the family for solo pleasure indulgence on holidays, festivals etc spunking scare family money on himself.

She needs to ‘declutter’ him - that would bring a fresh,renewed energy to the family home and the OPs soul.

Living in a small house can be stressful. I have a teeny tiny 2 bed terrace and now dc is 18 it is hard to have friends over etc and we struggle for space. However your children do have a room each. I shared a bedroom growing up and never thought twice about it.

You definitely need to apply for DLA for your dc. That would make a massive difference to you.

It might sound annoying to you me saying this but I really think you need to reframe it. We are obsessed in UK with the size of houses. Bigger is better somehow. I dont believe that to be true. I lived in oz for 2 decades, and space isnt a premium there - large detached houses are the norm. Ive lived in every type and size of house, and the house that was the worst was like one of those omaze houses people win. 2 stories, 2 pools, 'parents retreat' multiple reception rooms. 4 kids. It was an absolute nightmare. I was forever cleaning. Im super into tiny house living now. I am an empty nester now but have stepkids visit once a week. I purposely live in a coach house, so one floor living essentially (garage underneath for all the crap). I absolutely love it!!! What I love though about tiny house/small house living is you have to be smart. You have to buy the right furniture that doubles up. There is some super clever stuff out there - beds that fold up into the wall, or turn into tables for the day time. You make every bit of furniture count. 85m2 isnt even tiny house size so you can absolutely make the max out of your space and make it super cool. I am quite wealthy and I would never move - I live small through choice. Less to clean, less clutter, less faff, less expensive. My place looks awesome and everything in it is well chosen, suits the space, is dual purpose and Im proud of it. Why is you having a small kitchen an issue for you? Are you really into cooking? I mean really think about it - how big do you really need it to be? Its just making a meal.

Anyway, I would reframe it as a choice, look around at how you are living and see if there are ways to make the space more dual or triple purpose with cleverer furniture/design and really enjoy that project. Small houses are absolutely awesome - and even more so with teens. You get to see them more rather than everyone disappearing into their own spaces (thats what happened when we had the big McMansion). I dont think its healthy.

You might not like my reply but I feel that you need some perspective.

There are people living in damp and mouldy high rise flats and in manky private rentals.

You own your own home, yes it’s small but you chose to buy a small house in a lovely area. You’re comparing against what sounds like very well off people who can afford huge extensions etc.

In my experience that isn’t real life.

I grew up on a council house and was too embarrassed to have friends over because it was scruffy and not decorated. I survived. I’d have loved to have had a small but clean and tidy owned home.

Most of my dcs friends live in small council homes, we bought a slightly more spacious house but the trade off is always going to be the road/area.

You’ve both got very valuable jobs but they’re not the highest paid, you’re doing your best working part time and managing parenting which often doesn’t get any easier with teens.

Your dh not pulling his weight is a separate issue, but it sounds like the only way you’re going to be able to upgrade the size of your house would be to move to a cheaper area.

A couple of suggestions. Do both of your children receive DLA? If not, apply, and then add the carers element onto any Universal credit claim.
secondly, in your position I would sell up and use any equity you have to offset a smaller mortgage on a shared ownership house that’s bigger. Given your professions and the children’s diagnosis’, you’ll be a priority, and UC will cover the full rental aspect of the shared ownership house that’s. You then won’t have a need for either of you to increase your hours and can focus on the children’s care and support.

It’s not a race to the bottom it’s just a fact that most of us are working hard and don’t live in huge houses with extensions and bifold doors.

Op is comparing to what sounds like very well off people.

I don’t know hardly anyone who lives in a huge houses, the only people I do are well off older people who bought their homes in the early 90s. Most people are managing perfectly find in a 3 bed with a box room.

I would advise you to apply for DLA for the children to help with the finances.

Do the children have an EHC Plan? The extra care they receive at school makes a world of difference and you can also consider a specialist school. My youngest SEN child was school refusing, so I know how stressful that can be. Getting the EHCP enabled him to move to a more suitable specialist school, it was life changing.

You should also look into a Disabled Facilities Grant with your local council, we were able to get a £30k grant to modify the house for our disabled children.

I think we just have different attitudes to gratitude. You appear angry so I won't poke this particular bear any harder.

We brought up our two DC in a small three bedroom semi. All their friends lived in bigger nicer properties and had better holidays. But they all loved coming to our house and our DC were welcome in their homes. Our house was seen as comfortable and full of love and warmth. That is what is important in families not material possessions.

@Brindlekindle will have you !!!!

From what you describe of your husband I would be having serious thoughts about finding a loving step father for my children who happens to have a nice big house we can all move into (and maybe a boat). I jest… sort of. I’m sorry you’re having a shit time. It does sound like a DH problem more than a house problem though.

Is a lower COL area possible?

It's shit but you do have a house and yard. Try to remember that even though it's hard being the smallest in the area making it feel worse.. Mines smaller but I can see even tinier flats in the local tower block and all my neighbours are similar. The people opposite also slept in their living room when their teens were home. That helps. The not being alone. It was harder when I saw other people's houses that classmates lived in.

I couldn't work, also two Sen Kids, lots of appointments, some school refusal lack of sleep and my own disabilities. DH (ex) was shit with them too. Couldn't be relied on to feed them or keep them safe.

You are doing your best with what life's given you. You are doing well to work, even a bit. Raising Sen kids is bloody difficult. People don't get the worry, the effort, the always being on call long after other kids are more independent.

Try for DLA for the kids. It might help.

I live in a flat, so imagine the shame!!!!
tbe brits are obsessed with their castle sbd judge yiu on how many bedrooms, period features sbd extension yiu hsve. It’s stupid. The people who are really worth it will overlook a small house/flat.

financial security is a million times more valuable than having the most expensive side return extension.