AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Because she is already run ragged! Do you want her to have a breakdown?

I notice you dont quote your joint income. Experienced Midwife & Paramedic working full time with a bit of overtime (I know you only work part time) is capable of near £100k+ joint annual income.

Of course that is effected by your childrens issues and your part time status but the real picture could be so much more positive.

Oh you sound like you’re doing an amazing job. Special needs parenting is particularly tough. I think the very first thing is to stop comparing because it’s making you unhappy and there isn’t a magic wand. Focus on teaching the children that you’re both doing jobs that are really important but sadly aren’t paid as well as some other jobs but the work you do is important to you and helps others. Also remind them of the importance of family and that you’ve chosen to prioritise being at home for them (which I appreciate is a necessity), over and above working more hours and earning more. Make sure your home is decluttered as much as you can and organised as well as it can be as these things make a huge difference to how a smaller home feels and maybe focus on making it as lovely as you can for all of you. Above all it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job in hard circumstances

This!

@Miseramble you really need an appointment with a benefits advisor, your council maybe has one or can signpost you, or CAB. Your children may be entitled to payments around their health needs. Please stop presuming you aren’t entitled to anything, and find out for definite.

A move way from the affluence that surrounds you all at present may be wisest…that’s not how the majority of us live and you all may feel less under siege.

I've never even thought to look at benefits because me & DH both work so aren't entitled to UC.

Just because you work doesn't mean you're not entitled. Loads of people are in work and on some benefits! Hopefully you already get Child Benefit? That would be £2,337.40. Disability Living Allowance (DLA) and PIP (Personal Independence Payment) are not means tested, so it doesn't matter how much you get.

Please, please use this calculator ASAP:
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

she won't have big kids- there's always a poster who likes to stick the oar in to make themselves feel better- imagine being that nasty

You have a DH problem! It sounds like he has checked out of being a husband and a father.

@Miseramble Let me just tell you that you are amazing doing everything you do for your family and I understand why you are angry that your husband doesn't pursue a higher pay. He has clearly checked out of family life and obligations to your children so the least he can do is focus on his career to bring home more money !

I have 2 dc but "only" one is ND - very anxious has to be prompted to do the simplest things even though no cognitive impairment has a problem of understanding basic things. I do not work simply because he needs one parent to be present at all times when he's not in Send activity (he's 16) and if I was to find work just the hours he would be busy I would go under mh wise. So I understand you are rugged working around 2! Dc high needs! My dh is pretty useless like yours but since he's happy with me to take care of everything at home and kids while he's focussed on his career (which involvs overnight stays every week) I'm fine with that.

Your house would feel bigger if you chuck him out.

Apply for DLA NOW. It has nothing to do with income- more people in wealthy areas apply for it than in poor because they know their rights. You can't work ft because of your dc disabilities so you will 100% be awarded that.

I feel for you- it's so hard . x

Yep the house is just something tangible to latch onto when the real issue is your husband. But the house issue is less emotionally charged so it’s easier to focus on.

It sounds like you'd be far better off as a single parent. He could have the DC over his 3 day weekends meaning you could do 3 x full shifts and then be around for the rest of the week.

You'd also be able to claim more help.

It sounds like he's a dead weight that you can no longer carry?

Okay so this is a different issue altogether and one that needs addressing. As a paramedic I'm sure that he is capable of learning how to address their needs but somewhre along the line you have both decided that it was easier if you do it and now its become the norm. If he always has a beer in his hand, I'm sure you recognise that he probably has an alcohol problem. Have you done anything to your home as the family have grown - decluttered, different furniture or storage, more suited to their needs? These can also make a big difference. Have you looked into the cost of a small extension - for example extending the kitchen at the back of the house, possibly adding a downstairs toilet/utility room? It might cost less than you think, you could possibly use equity from the house to fund it.

I'd be looking at what kind of rental is affordable for you and the two kids, what benefits you'd be entitled to on your part time salary plus applying for DLA / PIP plus his child maintenance. How much equity is in the property to sell and split it? Because your neglectful, alcohol dependent, disengaged, abusive husband is the problem. I reckon you'd be fine I ntbst house jsit 3 of you

“Expensive area”, “very affluent neighbourhood”, “lovely street”, “beautiful countryside”.

Both parents arguably financially future proof employed more than others in non AI threat, seemingly rewarding careers - with the ability to accommodate family needs / choices with only one parent having to work full time.

Children have an active social life amongst wealthy friends in assume leafy, clean, safe un polluted, neighbourhood and access to being hosted in beautiful homes.

Looks like you chose well to invest in such a stable and aspirational environment for your DCs. I am sure it has paid off more than you appreciate.

Your DH sounds like a drunk cznt. I can understand your contempt and resentment. Have a little day dream of the next chapter of your life with him erased. Focus your finite headspace, time and energy on what you have achieved but also what you want next.

Maybe worth considering if there are any milder ND needs in the parents that have gone unnoticed and unsupported - but self medicated with problematic drinking.

So you’ve got 2 DC, who each have their own room, you and DH have a room and aren’t on a sofa bed in living room?

Move to a cheaper area if you want a bigger house, but you’re in a position many would envy.

I feel for you, I am in a tiny house but in a shit area. I own it and managed to do that as a single parent whose ex wriggled out of paying child support so it was a struggle to make my salary stretch. Over the years i have watched friends move into bigger and nicer houses in better areas. When i bought my house the area was a bit rough and ready but clean and quiet, but lots of families lived there and it was a frendly community. Now it's horrible and run down and I cannot afford to move. I really focused on storage, keeping on top of the clutter, the worst thing about a tiny house is that you only need a couple of things to be out of place and and it looks a mess. Hence I am always tidying which is a bit of a pain! I also focus on the fact that i have achieved a lot by paying for the house by myself, that i did my very best to make it nice (people do comment on how well I've done it up) and that my adult child has happy memories which are in no way connected to how much physical space we had. It's what happens in a house that really counts not how much floor space you have.

No wonder you are stressed, you are already doing so much, it’s not you that needs to be upping their game. If your DH is suffering with mental health can he seek help? Could it be that he is ND too and genuinely struggles with the children or is it weaponised incompetence? Not that it makes things easier for you but might reframe how you feel about him.
I think looking into PIP for the children especially as this is why you can’t work full time, fingers crossed you can get some help.
You shouldn’t feel embarrassed by your home. You and your DH both do jobs that are good for others and that should be admired more than just how much cash you earn. You’ve provided your kids with a safe roof over their heads in a lovely area. Are there any options for a move to a cheaper area?

Based on your 1st post the obvious solution is that you need to move to a less affluent area.

If you are not rich then you cannot have both a big house and in a nice area. That is the trade off and right now the smaller house appears to be reducing everybody's quality of life.

Based on your additional responses, there is clearly a DH problem.

I’m not sure how it’s possible for him to be a paramedic and yet completely incompetent at seeing to his own DC’s medical needs. It sounds like weaponised incompetence and it’s high time you kick him into gear. He cannot continue to use his 3 day weekends for jollies at the expensive of his family. Each weekend give him a DIY job to complete (in preparation for selling) and threaten divorce if he’s not going to start pulling his weight. When you sell, you can decide whether or not he comes with you.

It’s time to be less passive OP and take some control of your life back.

Your husband sounds shit and really needs to support you with parenting. Re your children feeling embarrassed about your home and not inviting friends round, id be telling your children the truth. You should tell your children you are unable to work full time due to their ND, school difficulties and anxiety. Once they are no longer anxious , dysregulated and have school difficulties, you'll work full time and move to a bigger house ……

That is far more significant than stressing over the house. Quite frankly, your DH is pathetic. If mine tried to do a condensed week, with long hours on four days so he could have jollies with his mates and spend hours in the gym he’d get both barrels from me.

And failing to give DC medication is beyond appalling.

I can be very pointed and petty and I would be finding ways to make his life harder until he started behaving like a parent and house owner and less like a single bloke. If you’re doing his laundry stop right now.

Your DH is a lazy cunt. He needs to start pulling his weight. Tbh having spent an unfortunate amount of time with relatives in the back of ambulances outside A&E, paramedics spend an awful lot of time doing sweet fuck all, waiting for patients to get a bed. Over 9 hours with my father in law. Both paramedics said they spend their time waiting studying, and both had their study materials in the ambulance for those times.

And if you don’t have money, how is he affording to go to festivals etc?

Your husband sounds unreliable and pretty crap with the children, is he also depressed? You mention no masters because of his mental health. Any chance in getting to go see the GP? He needs to step up with child care, there's no real reason he shouldn't and he probably needs to stop the beer. An honest conversation or two is needed.

As for the space, is it because you're under so much strain and carrying all the care for yourself, I would look honestly if it is the size of the house that is really what is getting you down. Sometimes we blame other things for a different issue - you could move to a different area where your money goes further but the problems within your family remain, all you're doing is moving unhappy children and a useless husband to a new house. Is there any funds to add an extension, be it loft or a small garden room tacked onto the back? Yeah, you'd lose a bit of your already small garden but perhaps that the garden isn't as important right now.

Good luck, I hope things improve soon.

My eldest is in what is basically a dormer turned bedroom.

What on earth was the dormer before it turned into a bedroom?

children also are described as having friends and wanting sleepovers and going to parties as teens- so I’m not sure they’re quite as incapable as you think.

I thought that too.