AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

This is a really nice comment! I appreciate that it’s hard when you’re close to burn out but it is possible to make a small house feel like a jewel box/imagine you are in Japan and make everything work nicely.

Won’t read the whole thread as I suspect it’ll be full of upsetting responses but have read your replies. Husband sounds awful, what’s he adding, would get rid, you’d have one fewer adult on your small house and likely be entitled to more that would help you make ends meet financially without him.

But mainly just wanted to say I sympathise. I’m a single mother in an expensive area with a small perfectly fine house but all my friends have massive new builds and I feel so guilty I don’t invite them round and can see it being an issue for my daughter when she’s at school. Play dates will hopefully just about be fine but ‘entertaining’ just doesn’t work with our space and layout. I really worry that it’s rude relying on others to host all the time. So while I’m hugely grateful to have a secure home for me and my child it being small does have genuine impact, it’s not just greed! It affects the relationships we make and how we make them. I’d love to be the hostess and have dinners and parties!!

your husband not giving the meds is weaponised incompetence. If he’s completely shit at any task you delegate to him then he hopes you’ll give up asking.
he sounds useless.
and so selfish -he takes every Monday for me-time going to the gym and getting coffees. Do you get a day of me-time a week ?!!

If you look at Japanese tiny house living you will be blown away. They are brilliant at it. Their spaces are teeny and are so workable and cool. If you really care about competing with your childrens friends homes (I suggest you don't) then you can be the coolest house rather than the biggest one. Honestly the furniture designs and clever ideas are just mindblowing.

With respect this is quite an unrealistic statement. For a start whilst looking into DLA is a good idea it is not as easy to claim as some posters are saying. The children's needs have to be 'substantially in excess' of needs other children of the same age have. These needs would have to be fully documented and medicated and/or support systems in place. Like a few others have mentioned there seems to be conflicting information as to how severe the children needs actually are so it's by no means clear they would definitely get it.
As for UC, two parents with good jobs are highly unlikely to get all their mortgage or rent covered by UC. Again OP is wise to look into it but it's premature to suggest automatic entitlements to anything.

I think you're doing amazingly. Working really important jobs, you own your own home, you're providing stability, care and support for two ND teens (DH could obviously do better here but it sounds like he probably has ADHD himself?).

Definitely worth claiming DLA for both your children. I would also try to build in a day off for yourself if you possibly can. It's grinding you down that DH has Mondays to himself and you have nothing. If you swapped Fridays for Saturdays for example, or just drop a day. I appreciate what you're saying about DH not being great with the children but as long as he's not abusive it might be worth it for your mental health.

Try to make peace with the house size if you can. DH grew up in a house that size except there were 2 adults and 4 children. They are all lovely, well adjusted adults and have good relationships with each other and their parents.

The kids sound spoilt. They have two loving hard working engaged parents and a safe, secure home in a great area. They are a hell of a lot luckier than many disadvantaged youths in this country.

OP it sounds like you are feeling absolutely overwhelmed and it’s entirely understandable. You have been an absolute rock for your kids. I think it would help if you carved out an hour of time for yourself to sit down with a piece of paper and try to separate out all these issues, write them all all down, then look at what you can control.

The children - it sounds like you have done an incredible job with them, but also you are exhausted and need more support here. That could come in the form of financial support through DLA as others have suggested. I don’t know enough but it’s worth investigating surely. Aside from that are you sure you are utilising all the support the school offers? Worth thinking about.

With the house I sympathise- we live in a tiny 2-bed terrace with no hall, sounds very similar. Albeit my DC aren’t full size yet. Again I would get your piece of paper and write down all the issues. What are the worst aspects, hotspots, things that grind you down every day. You mentioned DIY. (Your husband sounds pretty useless by the way, and I’m sorry for you). But what can you do with these DIY jobs? Can you do them yourself or get someone skilled in the blitz them for a morning? It might cost a bit but could be a great investment for your mental health if that dripping tap is finally fixed and the damp patch has been painted over?

In terms of how the house works for you, can you do a massive declutter? Again investing some time for your future mental health and to regain a sense of calm - it would be worth it. If there a particularly bad area can you re-jig things to make it work better? Eg we put new hooks up behind the front door in our living room and put the current jackets in use there, and the rest away in the cupboard under the stairs, which in turn got a revamp with some fitted shoe storage and hooks. We put very slim shelving against the wall by our front door, one side of our living room with books and the lower shelves were for shoes and bags (hidden in baskets) so it keeps the entrance way clear for people to walk through.
I also spent ages looking up tiny home storage ideas on Pinterest for my DC room and make the most of the space (after having decluttered everything). Sounds trivial perhaps but it really made a difference.

I also did a cheap refresh of paint/ cushions / plants etc to make the place feel nicer.

the pp idea of clearing out your back yard and adding a shed is great- a teen hangout perhaps.

I also think you should remind yourself of the benefits of your place- the excellent location, the lovely outdoors. Do you get outdoors much? Do try and make the most of your beautiful area if you can as this will really help your stress levels. Maybe a daily walk or run before anyone else is up.

With your husband I’m so sorry he has been so crap. This is a bigger deal. TBH it doesn’t sound like you have capacity for dealing with your marriage just now it I think if you can take some of the above healthy steps you might start feeling better / calmer in yourself and better able to tackle things.

Your husband doesn’t sound as if he’s very involved in your family. Would you be happier without him? Could you support you and DC on your wage? Possibly with UC/DLA? If yes, make steps towards that. You could then have the box room, give DD your room and have a big de-clutter. You’re worn out, over loaded and under financial and emotional strain. Would a bigger house solve all of that? Often the thing we think is the problem isn’t the actual problem at all.

I think you direct too much of your attention and thoughts to things that are negative and bring you down.

If you lived in the same house where all houses where the same size as yours, this would be less of an issue. You live surrounded by big houses and this skews your thinking towards ‘we have failed’ because big 4 bed houses seem to be the baseline and norm.

There are a lot of positives there too. You have your own house, are paying it off, your bills are smaller than they would be in a 4 bed house, you both sound like lovely people, both working in meaningful jobs, seems like you are managing it all quite well. Your kids have friends and sound well adjusted despite issues they need support with. By the sound of it, you’ve done brilliantly supporting them and keeping everything upfloat.

Tiredness is an issue and it can affect the way you feel too, perhaps you both need to think of ways how your DH could take over some caring responsibilities around the kids, is he generally hands on and involved?

Living in a small space has its own advantages, less cleaning, smaller bills, and kids wont be living with you forever.

So what their friends live in massive houses. I’d see it as an opportunity to build their own resilience, not everything in life is perfect and we need to be able to roll with it without it bringing us down too much.

I’d say focus on positives, see if you can get more rest during the week and talk to your kids but not to apologise but emphatise the good things you have as a family. Teach them to see the positives too.

Please apply for dla pip carers etc

I totally understand your frustration and it does sound like you have a massive DH problem. I’m not going to lie I feel super jealous you have a paramedic husband who works 4 day shifts during the week?? How did he pull that one off? My husband is a paramedic and it’s a requirement that 40% of his hours are ‘unsocial’ e.g evenings and weekends. Never heard a paramedic that gets a 3 day weekend every week.
Also if he is doing that by choice or a working request then he is cutting his wage massively because unsocial hour pay is different. My husbands base salary is half of mine but by the time his unsocial hours are added on top there is only about £500 a month difference between us

You’d look at my house and think it was “grand” compared to yours, but I promise you my teens have never once said anything even slightly negative or indeed that they’ve noticed the small houses some of their friends live in. However they compare upward to “Bob’s house that has its own cinema room/den in the garden/miniature forest/games room”. I think it’s natural.

im sorry for your predicament; it must be hard and teenagers take up SPACE. But don’t spend your life comparing about what you’ve not got.

Something to think about. Do you think you might be happier with DLA for the kids, CMS from an ex husband and one fewer person in the living space? Resentment is a killer.

DLA is for anyone it doesn’t matter how much u earn etc so u should apply for both your kids

Do you have outside space - maybe focus reciprocating by planning all your hosting in the summer. Or be up front and suggest you bring the cooked meal, deserts, wine etc to a friends house? Or take them out for a meal. I’ve done this and it doesn’t always cost much more than hosting at home if you choose the right time and place - but yes you won’t be invited again if you don’t reciprocate - that might not bother you as an adult but you should make some effort for your child to have play dates.

I see a few problems

he crams work into 4 days making late evenings

then has a day off enjoying life while you still work and does nothing to help you

hes medical but can’t be trusted to give his own child their medication

ca. he change his hours to work 5 shorter days so can help you more

def claim /look at dla and uc - if you are entitled to it. It will help. If you aren’t then nothing lost

kids may prefer you to be at home but they have 2 parents. Dad /dh needs to me less crap

OP I have read your posts but not the whole thread so someone else may have already made these points. Over my adult life my financial circumstances have changed (like many other people will have experienced). I have lived in big houses (eg 7 bed house with outbuildings, fields etc) and small houses/flats. And brought up children throughout - now adults. I can honestly say that their happiness and mine was not affected by the size of the house. From a practical point of view a larger house is easier but it seems to me that your bigger issue is exhaustion and stress. A different house wouldn’t change that. You have provided your children with a secure home. You and your husband are both working in good jobs. The teenage years are difficult and harder if you have children with additional challenges. I think you should ask yourself which smaller changes could you make that would help you. Eg could your children swap rooms so that sleepovers are possible? Would decluttering help or have you already done that? Just wondering what you could do to make more time for yourself?

You can't have everything! You chose to live in an expensive area, when the sensible choice would have been to opt for a larger house. You can't blame your husband, stop comparing yourself to other, that's the thief of joy.

Ridiculous comment. Having a small house is hardly not being able to look after children! The post you're replying too didn't reference education or holidays so why are you?

Have you ever thought that people didn't have a crystal ball to predict massive changes to the economy, housing market, cost of living etc when family planning a decade or two ago?

he's absolutely awful when their emotional/mental health needs spike because he just gets angry with them if they dysregulate, whereas I stay calm with them. He's also horrendous with their day to day physical needs. I've worked some evening shifts at weekends when he's home and he doesn't give them dinner till 9pm and doesn't put them to bed at all, just leaves them to stay up whilst they dysregulate (neither of them are capable of going up to bed themselves independently). He just walks around glass of beer in hand glued to his phone. I don't think they ever see him without a beer in one hand and his phone in the other hand. He's completely disengaged from their needs.

negligence
disinterest
Strongly alluding to alcohol problems

and @Miseramble starts a thread about the size of her home l?

I grew up in a tiny house and tended to go to friends houses for playing and didn’t have sleepovers due to space. Yes it was upsetting at the time but now an adult I realise that my parents did the best they could and I was loved and cared for.

All I can advise is try to utilise the space you do have to its full potential, whether clever storage and not holding onto crap you don’t need.

Try also to not beat yourself up too. You are doing your best.

You either accept that you live in a small house in a nice place with the benefits and costs that brings or you move somewhere else. It doesn't sound like you have other options and stewing on it and getting angry won't improve things.

Presumably there are places within a mile that have more space like a larger kitchen, decent 3rd bed and garden at a price you can afford. If you want to move get the paint tins out and redecorate to maximize price - make a plan and do it. At least a place with a bigger garden means you can put up a hut/garden room to create some additional space for the children - it doesn't need to cost much if you are resourceful about how you do it.

Not really a house size help but are you claiming DLA for your children's extra needs? especially with you having to cut your woking hours to support.

That tiny garden needs paved over!!! How you didn't just lob him into the street there and then I don't know!

Is he ND also or just a lazy man-child?

I empathise with the small house issue. We aren't quite as squeezed but this is very much not the house we expected to still be living in with a teenager and all the stuff that goes with it.