AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Sorry, your 15 year old can't put himself to bed or get himself dinner?

You also mention elsewhere about him having an anxiety meltdown about the idea of being alone for an hour after school... yet he can go round his friends' just fine?

Your children need to become more independent and you need to be freed up to claim more of your own life back. I know that's easy for me to say but clearly your son isn't going to have you around constantly for the rest of his life.

Yes, your DH sounds pretty awful, and if his mental health is poor, he could be doing something about that like not drinking beer constantly... Again easy for me to say from the outside as I know these things are complicated, but still...

It doesn't sound like a bigger house is realistic or that it would solve these underlying issues at all.

How can a professional paramedic not know what and when to give a child medication or not know that he shouldn’t blame a child for his own mistake?
I wouldn’t fancy him showing up in an emergency situation.

I'll never understand British people's obsession with houses.

I was raised in a flat. A small, 40 square meter flat in an Eastern European block. I had loving parents, friends and a great childhood. What made it great? my parents. And yes, teenagers do compare. But it won't hurt them long term to learn some humility.

Declutter and you'll feel better.

The fact they have additional needs is the real issue that is making your life extra hard. I'm sorry about that.

Why thank you @DidoAndAeneasWereInLove 😁

Same. No way would I be cringing and creeping round two seemingly ungrateful teenagers, who have grown up in a happy, stable home.
I understand that they have additional needs, but if they're independent enough to go out with their mates, attend mainstream school, and beg for sleepovers, then they're able to understand what they need to do to better their own future adult selves.
And if you're the potentially higher earner, why can't you and your DH swap? You go full time, and he part time to support the kids?

Thinking about it, I think generally people are not very welcoming and not very sociable.

I have heard countless parents complaining about the lack of "facilities" for teenagers, and the poor souls being bored with nowhere to go.

what about .. their own house?

when parents have their own social life, and are not stuck at home all the time, teens (generally) love to have friends around even just to watch a movie and squeeze up together in the living room.
An empty house is a great place to "hang around".

And you take turn with friends. You can even push it to sleepovers when parents are away for the weekend.

Teens much prefer a small house but empty, than a bigger one but with parents downstairs and siblings next door. Not everyone has a garden room with privacy for the kids!

DLA and PiP are seperate to UC, if I were you I’d make an application for them both and see the outcome, worst they can say is no and then you are in the same position you’re already in. Best case you may be entitled to some financial support in line with their needs which could help you as a family x

You need to stop comparing your house and family to others and be happy for what you have or do something about it yourself.

dh and adult children live in a small house, probably smaller than yours as ours was a 2 bedroom and we split one of the bedrooms so we all have our own space and it is a tight squeeze, but we are happy and content most of the time.

it sounds like your resentment is the bigger issue, your dh doesn’t want to work more, he doesn’t want to do a masters and that’s his choice. Happiness is more important than stress or living in a big house.

bigger house means more house work and more DIY.

Stop beating yourself up comparison is the thief of joy
You have a home it may be small but you have a roof over your heads
I don't get why everyone is intent on bigger is better
Because bigger means more costs lol
When your kids have flown the nest u will have a beautiful small easy home probs Mortgage free by then and it will be lovely u can enjoy your extra money who wants a huge house when their old not me !!!
I am still in my first home it's an end terrace in a lovely area I have extended slightly and both kids flown nest and it's lovely no mortgage low costs and having a disability now it's easy to keep it clean and tidy because it's manageable.
We could have gone wayyyy bigger but I don't want big empty house just so other people can be like oh have u seen girlwithavibes house is huge !
I don't need to show the world my income or wealth it's private I don't do socials either lol 😁
I have a home that I actually want ! Warm and cosy ☺️

Carers allowance is 346 per month, you can earn 204 NET per week whilst claiming carers. Dla rates are between 60 and 300 per week, per child.
PLEASE LOOK INTO THIS OP

I come from a country where most people live in flats, houses are in villages. Most of them are around 50-65 m2. It's common for parents to not have a bedroom and sleep on a sofabed in the living room. I've known families where two teens shared the only bedroom in a 1-bed flat. No child is suffering because of it. Not to mention older generations in the UK where people had a few children living in the same bedroom.

There is nothing wrong with your house. Teenagers will always complain that they want nicer things and compare themselves to others. They see a huge TV at their friend's house, then come back home and complain to their parents that they're poor because there's only a 50 inch TV at home. I guarantee you that even if you had a huge 4 bed, they'd find a different reason to complain and compare themselves to others.

Also - you're not poor. You own a 3 bed house, there is always food on the table and children have nice clean clothes. You bend over backwards to meet their complex needs at the expense of your own wellbeing. Do you know how many children in the UK don't have a safe home and supportive parents? They go to school hungry because their parents didn't give them food. Their house if filthy and unsafe, their parents don't care about them. You've created a lovely, safe home for your children. They don't need to share their bedrooms with siblings. Yes it's not a megamansion, yes you're not rich, but you're doing better than half of the UK population. It's just unlucky that your son found wealthy friends - if he hung out with average kids he wouldn't have this issue.

I understand. We bought one of these 4 beds with a big garden and stretched ourselves to do so with a 30 yr mortgage that won’t be paid off till we are 70, Then circumstances changed: health issues, job loss, economic downturn, cost of living. I wanted to overpay the mortgage so it’s paid off before 70, save into a pension and update our now 30+ year old kitchen, but we just don’t earn enough.

Anyway, I think you can have the guilt and comparison at any price point. Talk to your kids and tell them that you’ve prioritised being in this safe area, mental health and being there for them over space/earning more/having material things. It’s a trade off and while you’d like to have moved into a bigger house it would have meant giving up on the things you valued more.

You would definitely be entitled to dla I would apply op. I think there is always an option, renting the house out and renting in a cheaper area once the dc are out of school. It does sound hard I have previously lived in a small house. Yet you will both have nhs pensions and probably not the debt of some people living in the big houses. A large home is not essential. As a single parent in a rented home I have a dream of buying a tiny home which hopefully will happen but sometimes we have to appreciate what we have.

This may seem terribly unkind, but why have children if you can't look after them as you would like to? Education, holidays, etc are all expensive- who do your think should pay for them? Me? Your neigbours? I've never understood this.

I wanted to add to what @Jellycatspyjamas has said but add, you will have a workplace employee health programme. It sounds like you personally are stuck and frustrated and the failings of the house are what you have concentrated those feelings on. A loving home is a good thing, regardless of its size. But I’m not sure from your updates that you have, or feel you have, a loving home. So maybe some counselling might help you personally to look at the bigger picture. I wish you well.

I knew somehow when I started reading this thread that this is fundamentally about lack of support from your dh op, because most women are fundamentally strong and can tolerate a hell of a lot but they are often worn down by selfish partners.

I am so angry on your behalf op just reading the post above about the way your dh has prioritised his own needs above yours and his dc, I honestly feel like punching him!

So him working until 9 pm four days a week comes at your daily expense op?

How can he go to a festival and music gigs with friends when you are struggling? How can he afford the gym? We are ok now but when we were young and starting out and had no money, my dh literally had holes in his clothes and wore the soles of his shoes thin and made sure everyone else was ok before himself.

How dare your dh have three day weekends and not devote just one of those days to making your home more comfortable?

And sorry but your dh should have done the Masters which probably would lead to a job with less stress and more flexibility as well as increased earnings. That’s what you sign up for when you have parental responsibilities.

And to top it off you can’t leave the dc with him so you can go off and work and yet he is a paramedic?

Sorry op but you need to start a new thread in relationships as this isn’t a property issue at all! Hopefully you will get receive some good advice about how to leave as this man child is holding you back.

Envy is the thief of joy.

You both have important jobs that make the world a better, safer place. Your children have two parents at home, who are dedicated to their wellbeing.

When you see the big houses, just remember that all that glitters is not gold.

I know it isn't a long term solution but with regard to invitations and the children - they don't have to be at home. Parties can be at paintballing and then pizza hut for example. Even play dates can be taking a group of girls to the shops and then a drink and cake etc.

Both parents work in education - that's a middle class job. They have two kids - nothing excessive. Do you think it's normal that two working parents in middle class jobs are struggling to support two children? It's the system that's broken, with UK's high cost of living and stagnant wages. UK has no real economic growth since 2008. They made the decision to have two children (again, nothing excessive) years ago when the economic situation was better. Now it's all gone to drain because of the politicians ruling this country and you're blaming hard working parents that they dared to have two children?

The house would have more space and less stress if the husband wasn't in it methinks....

Please look into benefit eligibility

Yeah this isnt really about the house is it.

If he never looks after the kids would you be any worse off without him? It would be one person less in the house! You’d be no worse off and he’d be living the single lad life he dreams of.

@ITMA2000 was OP supposed to have a crystal ball to know both children would have SEN and need so much support in their teens and that her DH would be so feckless?

Your house would probably feel more spacious without a giant man baby in it...

Honestly, I would seriously consider asking him to leave, then reassess the benefit situation. I'd say a bigger house is secondary to a husband who won't lift a finger.

Why are you still with the pathetic excuse for a man? It’s damaging you but also damaging your children.