AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Because there are additional costs that come with having a disability. That is the whole point of DLA.

You’re giving Mail reader tbh.

I don’t know if it been said, and it’s something that I would rarely suggest, but would you be better off divorced? Given the needs of your children, you DHs minimal contribution to family life and his drinking, it seems that you might genuinely be better off both financially and emotionally without him there.

The additional costs here are that OP can only work part time as her children insist she stays home with them, but equally they go out to parties and to independently meet friends when it suits them? Perhaps the cheaper and better solution is for OP to work on their independence skills at home, they’re clearly capable of it when it involves something enjoyable. So maybe set up a nice TV/snack station, pop out for 10 minutes and work up from there.

Benefits would be a short term solution but not a long term one. When they’re adults she won’t be able to claim on their behalf and she will have to increase her work hours at some point for her pension and long term security.

So you never heard of the old “working tax credits” and the transition to UC in the news? Never watched anything of the budget? Never heard that UC can cover up to 85% of childcare costs for working families? Never read a “benefits bashing” thread on here where someone’s horrified at how much you can earn while getting “topped up”? Even my bank has a notification come up sometimes encouraging me to check I am claiming everything in entitled to.

It never occurred to you to research to see if there way anything you could do to improve your situation? It’s not necessarily related to your job “delivery babies” though my midwives were always very holistic in approach and they gave us the information about healthy start, child benefit etc and so it baffles me that someone who’s intelligent and educated enough to be a senior midwife has not cottoned on to any of this or lives so far under a rock that they haven’t heard any conversation around UC or DLA that sparked off a thought that they might be able to access some financial help.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised as I just googled how many households aren’t claiming what they could and it’s approximately 7 million.

You are doing a great job @MiserambleI have been there and understand your struggles. The fights for EHCPs and specialist provision nearly drove me to a breakdown, and that’s WITH a very supportive husband. The biggest help for me was getting DLA for the children which then meant we got a sizeable universal credit award. Because of this I was able to stop work for a few years (husband worked) so I could focus on getting the children the support they needed. Now both are more stable and independent I am now back at work but it was (literally) a lifesaver at the time. Treat claiming DLA like getting an EHCP. It’s tough but if you use the right keywords it really helps. Do research first and get advice. Good luck. Mine are now both at uni and thriving. Eight years ago I really didn’t think we’d all make it this far.

Yup. It’s literally who it’s for. If youre lucky enough to not have disabled children you have no idea what youre talking about.

Came here to say this. Instead of ruining your life by seething with resentment, do something about it. Anyone without a leg up from their parents is struggling with higher mortgage payments - that's an issue that's not going anywhere.

Are your 25 hours school hours? I imagine not as a midwife. Can you not do whatever you do when you do work a little more often? It sounds as if the DCs are old enough to get by if not manage optimally for a short time.

Oh, and for those saying why didn’t you know about benefits. I didn’t. I work in a well respected profession and consider myself very well educated but I hadn’t heard of DLA until my sons headteacher mentioned it and I always assumed we earned far too much to get universal credit until I saw a Martin Lewis article about it. I actually wrote and told him what a lifesaver for us that article was (and he replied!! 😍). Not everyone knows everything about the benefit system

OP, focus on the positive.
You own a home in a lovely area. You are safe, and secure with a means to make a living.

Just make your house a lovely welcoming place. Many people choose to live in smaller spaces and do some incredibly clever things to maximise the space.
Tey and focus on the positives

How old was your son when the head master mentioned it to you?

He was 13. Why?

Ok I think I need to clarify.
When I say parties, I'm talking little birthday parties. So, my 12 Yr old gets invited to little tea parties at friend's houses for their birthdays. It's very much cupcakes and playing games or doing craft together. She has a little group of 6 friends (including her) all of whom have SEN and/or are ND. As mums, we invite the group to celebrate each birthday with a little gathering as we are all keen to support their friendships. The mums stay and chat. I stay. When it's my DD's birthday, I take them to the park, play games, provide a picnic party food, and the mums stay. The others have little tea parties at their homes.
My DS occasionally got invited to birthday parties when younger but that meant a mum of the birthday boy taking maybe 3 or 4 of them bowling or trampolining then pizza for a birthday treat. We refered to this as a birthday party. DS used to come home with acute sensory overload and spent hours afterwards decompressing with dysregulated behaviour. He hasn't been invited to any birthdays for well over a year now, I've noticed birthdays are developing in to teen type bigger parties or sleepovers and he isn't being invited to any of these. He still has a few friends though.

Thanks for the update OP. Just to put DLA into context for you, we are struggling with the EHCP approval process too, that is all down to the local authority. Whereas the DLA is the dept of work and pensions, nothing to do with the LA and obviously have a much bigger budget. We are on higher rate DLA without an EHCP. I cannot tell you the relief I feel knowing I have the DLA payment coming in a couple of weeks as we’re already almost down to £0 after paying mortgage etc and it’s only the start of the month. Psychologically this will unburden you some and it will go straight into your account so your husband won’t have access to it. Please also look into child benefit, provided you both earn under £60k you will get the full amount and every little helps. I’m sure the idea of extra admin just feels totally overwhelming right now, just take the first step of calling them and getting the paper copy of the form. If you need help filling it in, come back here and we can discuss.

DLA Helpline: 08001214600

Beware of the “dispair trap”. It can stop you from taking steps that are actually in your control and may be surprisingly helpful. Also no judgement as that was me for many many years, totally despairing and not even able to afford a haircut for myself or a coffee out with other school mums, hadn’t even considered DLA or child benefit which would have really helped. As I mentioned before, please look at Autism Outloud Coach on instagram, her videos are very helpful and will be useful in filling out the DLA form.

Apologies if you’ve already answered this, are your children diagnosed? Any letters from paediatricians or CAMHS can be sent in with the DLA application.

Long term, you need to look after yourself. I can’t imagine you’re getting any respite now and the consequences of taking a break must feel huge. If you ca treat yourself to a nice bath once the kids are down or a massage once a month while they’re at school, this will do wonders for your over functioning nervous system.

Take one step at a time. x

Im going to leave DH to the side, first of all look into DLA. DLA is not means tested, its based purely on the needs of the children. People who earn much more than you are describing can get it. It can be a lengthy process but there are lots of social media pages that can help with what evidence you need to show. Its not as complicated as getting a blinking EHCP. The process for that ive found ridiculous.

I know it sounds tough at the moment but have you actually spoken to a financial advisor or a mortgage advisor? The reason I ask is because we were in a similar situation. Tiny home, thought we were going to live there forever, finally it all felt bleak. We spoke to someone and actually we not only managed to get a better mortgage rate, increase our lending and buy a much bigger home. It was only though dreaming amd speaking to someone that we realised that actually, it was possible with the right advice and planning.

We also looked at a loft conversion and porch but the plot was so small, it still wouldn't feel like we had more space if you get what I mean. Good luck OP.

You have absolutely zero intention of leaving your husband @Miseramble ?

Your children go to mainstream school @Miseramble ?

I would have hoped that either a health or education professional working with your child would have suggested it to you? And you will need one of them to write a short supporting statement on the DLA form.

My consultant suggested to me that I claim PIP, I was really reluctant to do so, I also didnt think it was for people who worked.

Give it a go, it might help to cover the costs of things which would help your children. It also opens up other discounts such as getting a free adult ticket when attending attractions etc.

This. Partly this is why l took so long to vote, I’ve ended up voting YABU. It appears as if OP wants things to change but seems unwilling to do things to make that happen e.g. challenge husband about his laziness and make him face actual consequences. In her shoes l would be doing zero for him, when he got home at 9pm l would going straight out for a while and he could make his own dinner, tidy up etc. I would also up work hours to improve a pension that’s already taken a battering and force husband to actually parent. Rather than lolling round with his phone and a beer. Also separate out finances more, if money is so tight when is he spending it on alcohol and music festivals?! The current status quo isn’t sustainable for OP

You said:

DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom.

Which is quite at odds with what you’ve written here.

Harshly worded but yes I do get the impression OP is easily walked over, by both the kids and the husband. She sounds like a very hard working and caring person but being this in tune to everyone else’s ‘needs’ can mean you’re so close to the situation you can’t see the overall picture developing. I don’t really believe that her DS is perfectly fine to head out to meet friends but can’t possibly be at home for an hour or two so his mum can finish work, if she left him a snack and the TV, but she seems to have convinced herself he can’t. I won’t comment on the younger DD as she’s not going out to see friends but OP has backtracked on her abilities too - one moment she’s having sleepovers and is fine to spend the night at a friend’s house, the next she has very complex needs which mean she can’t be left unattended or at after school club.

OP you sound like you’re working your butt off and I commend your work ethic and sense of responsibility toward your family, but it sounds like they’re all yanking the lead a bit (the DH most of all).

Yes it is isn’t it!

Just picking up on something you said about your back garden needing new slabs and getting quote for £7000. Your husband has a three day weekend. Why does he not replace them? Between us we do pretty much all the odd jobs in the house including relaying turf and slabs, and my husband is self-employed and works all hours.

All the best to you, and I hope you and your DH and DC together can resolve these problems. 💐

I appreciate that a loft conversion may be out of the question because of the cost, but lack of ridge height may not rule it out. We faced the same problem 25 years ago. An architect friend took some measurements and advised us that it wasn't worth proceeding. Under building regulations it would never be classified as a bedroom (just a "loft room") and would therefore not add to the value of the house. But we went ahead and did it anyway, on the cheap, employing a pair of local handymen that we trusted. The room has a staircase, proper floor joists meeting all building regs, velux windows and insulation. It served as DD's bedroom throughout her teens, and now it's a vital extra storage room for all the junk the kids have left behind now they've left home. Without it, we would have to rent a storage unit. So although we haven't added the value of an extra bedroom to our house, we don't regret having it built. It has earned its keep several times over.

I probably didn’t emphasize it enough in my original post but OP is too mindful of everyone else l agree. But you can’t pour from an empty cup and she’s allowed to have her own needs. That will mean challenging the current set up for everyone else in the house. There’s been a spate of especially useless husbands / boyfriends / fiancés type posts of late, combined with a reluctance to challenge them and a world of explanation about why change or challenging is “impossible due to X….”

For DLA, Cerebra’s guide is helpful for completing the form. Contact also has a form filling service for those making the initial application. Many areas have a charity/other organisation who will help complete the form for free.

For EHCPs, @Miseramble, when the LA refused (was it refusal to assess or refusal to issue), did you appeal to SENDIST? Unfortunately, LAs do refuse and force parents to appeal. The vast majority of appeals are upheld. Request EHCNAs again (IPSEA has a model letter you can use). Appeal to SENDIST if refused. IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites are good places to start.

If either are unable to attend school, look at alternative provision. Under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 the LA has a duty to ensure those unable to attend still receive a suitable full-time education. Or as much as they can manage if full time in any form is not suitable. This is separate from the EHCP process. Again, sadly, this is often something parents have to push for. This should be put in place once it becomes 15 days will be missed. The days don’t need to be consecutive or already missed. And provision should start by the sixth day.

You could think about request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DC’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.