AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I have filled an isa with my autistic son’s dla. Hope it helps!

Only if you marry him young!

He lives off his overdraft.
Overdrawn by £2,000 every month.

If his overdraft is not growing then he is spending everything each month but not more than he is bringing in. So either he is getting into debt in some other way or he is funding his personal spend from his income. Fine if you are able to do the same but if you are not left with any excess after household spend then this seems another unfairness.

ADHD is hugely overrepresented in Alcoholics Anonymous. As pp have said people with ASD are prone to self-medicating with addictive substances.

Also, doctors, nurses and paramedics are very well represented in the fellowship and often comment on how many of their colleagues may well have problems with alcohol.

Obviously I don't know about the OP's husband, but being a paramedic and alcohol dependant is definitely a possibility.

My house in similarly small on the main- no way my kid could have a sleepover in their room. They’ve all crashed in the lounge.

I do have a finished basement… do you have something like a cellar that could be made habitable, give you some more space?

But he's a paramedic, right!??! So medically trained. So therefore surely understands the importance of this medication.

This seems all a rouse to keep you doing all the daily drudge/supporting the children in their challenging moments, which let's face it, no one likes/finds easy, but it's an essential part of being a parent. That's what you learn when they're toddlers. I'm guessing he shirked his way out of those responsibilities back then, too.

It sounds like a tangent, but I'm guessing if he were sharing the load, and/or maximising his income the tiny house wouldn't be so bothersome.

To be honest, we live in a fairly big house (since recently- haven't always!!), and I would never think badly of families who don't. Those who do, aren't the kind/empathetic people you'll want to surround yourself with.

As for the children, they'll remember the love and fun that filled the house, not how many people can fit in the front doorway. So, of you being tired, stressed and upset about this is robbing you from those, important aspects of life, then time for a change!

What does your husband suggest?

Sorry you're struggling with this. Big unmumsnetty hug.

P.S Does he possibly have a drinking problem?

Because often carers have to reduce their hours. It’s a top-up. You’re only entitled to it if you are a low earner. If you work part-time you may qualify.

DLA is different. My husband and I both claim for our four year old, both have good jobs and salaries, and it’s something like £500 a month. You may have missed out on quite a lot of money that could be helping them. Get on it!

People think the welfare state is about supporting those not in work. It isn’t.

🗣️ MOST PEOPLE WHO CLAIM BENEFITS ARE IN WORK!

The dla is to support the children’s needs but there is no restriction on how you spend it. It doesn’t matter that you work. Parents with children with sen are paying for additional therapies, having to cut work hours etc it helps with that. The benefit bashing threads think benefits are for people who don’t work which is completely wrong. Carers allowance is only allocated if you work minimal hours.

@Miseramble When you say that all parents are carers for their children this is true to a degree but your children clearly have needs outside the average range. Their level of independence is much lower than average. An average fifteen year old would be fairly independent and apart from being left alone overnight should be quite self sufficient.
DLA is based on the children’s needs.
Do you have any indication from CAMHS on how much independence they are likely to achieve as adults? Have you had any advice on encouraging more independence and helping them manage anxiety?
In the meantime given their current presentation they really should qualify for DLA.

Similar OP. Run ragged working FT and supporting three people with additional needs. Also have worst house amongst affluent people. Teen won’t invite friends around but goes to theirs.

Honestly I’ve learnt to stop comparing and wishing. It just makes me feel worse. Everytime to find yourself doing it, either tell yourself to think of something else or give yourself one minute then think of something else.

For a quick fix move to a cheaper area.

Your two children are lucky to have two loving parents and a home. You need to remind them of this.

Everyone has different ideas.. we live in what most people would consider a large 5 bedroom house with massive garden with a river running through it... but by chance our sons two friends both have vast inherited wealth and live in houses twice the size.. you cannot win!

This.

We had a tiny house in a nice area, we were supposed to stay for a couple of years and stayed for 18. Brought up both the kids there and spent money on it to make it really nice with a lovely fire. Made the garden lovely. Had much cheaper bills!

I think the bigger question is, are you stable family? Are your children happy? Do they feel safe and cozy in their home?

Last year we moved to a much bigger house, and I really miss the other one!

The house would feel bigger without the useless DH.

He needs to sort his shit out and be a grown up and parent.
You need to see if you can claim anything as PP suggests.

"Most" people who claim benefits are not in work. Just FYI. It's only about a third.

This thread has been a sad but equally frustrating read.

OP I am very sympathetic to your situation, and eye rolling at the ‘it’s not the size of the house, it’s the love within it’ comments, probably made by posters who ‘live in a 5 bed and it’s AWFUL to clean’.

I was in a too-small house with my kids for a few years and it played havoc with my MH. Living on top of each other meant the kids constantly fought; I dreaded birthdays and christmases due to the tidal wave of junk I would have to find homes for. No garden so hot summer days meant packing up the buggy/car and making a ‘planned’ trip or staying in the house. It was fairly miserable tbh. I moved to a more spacious home with a garden and my life is TRANSFORMED and my mental health much better.

That said I’m curious about your children. What level of need do they actually have? On one hand they’re ’too anxious’ for you not to be with them at home 24/7, but they’re also able to attend parties and things that are fun for them? If they’re able to go out to meet friends and attend parties, then they should be able to be home alone for an hour. I think it’s very easy to become so emotional about their ‘needs’ that you can’t see a bit of manipulation tbh.

Also this. The constant refrain to ‘claim benefits’ is really depressing. The country can’t afford any more welfare increases and benefits are meant for people who desperately need them. Not somebody who wants a bigger house, or to be financially topped up because they choose to split.

You’re quite right, it’s 38% - I’m thinking about the old tax credits system. So it’s still a significant proportion!

She has two children with significant needs? I’d say she needs them.

When I was a teenager I hung out with a friend whose family were seriously wealthy. In my family there was 8 of us and not enough seats in the living room for all of us, so we sat on the floor.
Dad refused to put the heating on (too expensive) so the only heating was a fire in the tiny room with not enough seats. My friend visited our home frequently - years later she shared with me that she was envious of us because we all sat in the same room!!! Who knew?! - Her parent's house was so massive they all sat in separate rooms - she was lonely and felt her family were totally disconnected. Sometimes the grass is always greener.
Sounds like you live in a nice area - low crime rates, friendly well-behaved neighbours, good schools, lots of greenery, you sound like a great mum - you spend time with your kids to help them, they will eventually appreciate this - it's something a lot of people would like.

They go out to meet friends and attend parties. Maybe I’m missing something.

I didn't expect so many replies.
I started trying to reply to some individual posts but I stopped because when I click 'quote' to link the posters message to my reply to them, it takes me to the end of the thread, and then I have to spend ages scrolling back up through pages of posts to try and find where my place was in the thread, and as I scroll upwards the page bounces back does to the bottom of the thread again. It's really annoying as I'm like to reply to specific posters so as to properly engage.
So I'll try and summarise points people have made.

1. Moving to a different area has been suggested a lot. This is not an option. Lots of reasons. I'm not moving DC in years 8 and 10. They aren't going to achieve GCSEs anyway, but it would be much too unsettling for them. They need stability and they need everything to be the same routine. Neither of them would cope with moving to a new living area with a new house and new neighbours and new school with new students and new teachers all at the same time. I wouldn't do it to them, they would no way cope with all that significant life change at once. It would send DS's tics, OCD, sensory overload and anxiety through the roof, and DD would spend every day in meltdown mode for months on end. The level of input I'd have to give them to coach and support them through that level of change would be too burdensome on me on top of the amount of coaching and support I already give them non stop on a daily basis. And I wouldn't move to a new area but keep the same school because to move anywhere significantly cheaper round here would put us way out of the catchment area of the school and would make such a long journey that it wouldn't be practical or feasible to get them there and back. Also their school is small for a secondary, at 500 students. They already find this big and overwhelming. Most secondaries are double that size. It's taken DS 3 years for his sensory and nervous system to settle down after changing from primary to secondary, and DD is still not settled a year in to secondary. I'm not putting them through it again with a new school.
2. Loft conversion suggestions. I'd love to do this but in my area they cost upwards of £60,000 - £70,000. School mum friends are getting them done so I know the cost as they discuss it openly. We can't put that much more loan on to the mortgage. We can barely pay the mortgage we've got since our fixed term ended and switched to a much higher interest rate. Besides, I've measured the loft floor to the highest point of the roof and it's lower than the minimum height allowed for a loft conversion (I measured up years ago when our mortgage repayments were significantly lower and I thought we might be able to look in to it all.)
3. The suggestions of extending our kitchen, reconfiguring our walls, side extension etc. - see above. Building work in my area is off the scale unaffordable to us. When I hear what people I know are paying, for extensions but also for basic building work, it's jaw dropping. We need new patio slabs as ours are cracked, uneven and tripping hazards. The area is 5 metres x 3 metres. 5 different quotes are all above £7,000. We can't even afford this job to be done, let alone house building work.
4. A porch. I like this idea. Although have a horrible feeling it will be unaffordable as we have a manhole cover over wastepipes right outside our front door, and these wastepipes are where the neighbours wastepipes join in to ours. Building a porch would therefore necessitate working with the water company for permission to move the manhole cover plus paying to get it moved. This will immediately cost ££££.
5. It's true. I'm an educated professional and I didn't know about claiming benefits for DC. Training to be a midwife doesn't cover learning about benefit entitlement. I will into it but have low expectations of it being approved. I've spent years fighting for EHCPs for both DC only to keep being turned down as the LEA keep saying the school need to meet their needs. But school can't meet their needs and the SENCo unofficially tell me this off the record. So I go back to LEA re EHCP and get told the same again. I imagine any DLA process would be the same. What I'm trying to say is, I've lost all hope of anyone in the system being able to see that I need help and support with my DC. Nobody in authority listens. I feel like I'm screaming out for help with DC in a soundproof chamber where noone can hear my plees. I'm actually crying now as I type this out.
6. I'm back. Some posters are saying my house isn't small. Others are saying it's so small they don't know how I manage to live in it. All I can say is, to me it feels too small. Kitchen has about 4 foot x 3 foot of floor space. No more than 1 person at a time can be in there. I can't do cooking skills with DC because we can't both be in there together. If I open the fridge, I can't open the oven. If one of the DC walk in to the kitchen whilst I'm in there, I can't get out of the kitchen, I have to tell them to move back out of the room so I can get out. DD floorspace in her bedroom isn't big enough to lay out on. DS was sitting on her floor yesterday and I couldn't open her bedroom door when I went to check on him simply because he was sitting against her wall with his legs stretched out. When one of us stands inside the front door to remove wet or muddy shoes before walking them through the lounge, the rest of us have to stand outside on the pavement whilst they remove their shoes & coat. In the rain, this feels inconvenient. To me, these factors make me feel it's a small house. As I said in my OP, we bought this house fully expecting to step up the ladder 5 years later.
7. Yes, I accept we are lucky to have a home at all. Though I feel with how hard we've both trained and how hard we both work in our jobs, we should have a home. It's not a lot to expect.
8. Absolutely, 100%, DH has ADHD. It's not professionally diagnosed, but it's 100% diagnosed by me. It's getting worse as he gets older. It's getting worse as DC's needs are increasing as they're getting older and more complex. I'm watching him disengage from family life more and more as a coping strategy for his own mental overload and burnout. I have told him I think he has ADHD and have asked him to address this. He refuses to seek a diagnosis. He 100% uses beer to calm his racing mind down. He uses it as a sedative. I told him it upsets me that he's always drinking beer at home during family time so he started drinking his beer in our (parked) car and in the garden instead. I've asked him not to drink alcohol until after 7pm because when he starts drinking earlier than that (this is at weekends) it completely affects his mood, his speech slurs, his eyes droop, and the DC are still up and im still looking after them, so I hate it. I need him around without alcohol in him. He refuses, still starts drinking at 5pm, tells me it's normal and says I'm being controlling. I ask him year long to stop drinking all through weekends, all through annual leave, birthdays, Christmas, etc. Nothing changes. I've concluded that he actually can't stop. He is unable to. He needs alcohol like the rest of us need food. He says I only have a problem with him drinking because I myself am teetotal. Yes, I am. The reason for that is because I see it as way too dysfunctional for both parents to be at home drinking alcohol with 2 SEN/ND kids. I am teetotal because I need to be sober so that I have crystal clear thinking to look after my DC all evening. I think he also has ASD because his thinking is very robotic, set, inflexible. He has shown me he has no empathy. He is literally not able to understand how his drinking affects me. He constantly says it's a me problem. I'm now finding empty small drinking glasses that smell of spirits hidden in places at home.
9. Someone criticised me for not coming back to the thread or taking any advice on board. I've been reading through pages of responses inbeween delivering babies and looking after my DC with both of them having meltdowns past 2 days for the usual end of school week acopia they both suffer from. That doesn't mean I've left the thread or that I've not taken on board any advice.
10. Someone cuttingly said what's the point of my OP, was it only to offload. Yeah. Maybe it was only to offload. Maybe I just needed to reach out and connect with people. Talk about what's getting me down anonymously on a parent forum. I'm in a very lonely, difficult place. And I'm angry.

10. To end on a positive note, I have taken to heart every single supportive reply and helpful pieces of advice. Thank you truly for those. I needed to read them.

Why? Because they think their bedrooms arent big enough?