AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

If she was “mindful” of her children she wouldn’t have subjected them to his man for so long and clearly has zero intention of doing anything about it

Well, quite. I’m also confused why she subjects her children and her to him. Most parents have a work contract set up around their children (especially if they have additional needs) and wife. His is set around his drinking and plans with his mates 🙄

For clarity l do have some of her challenges: both my husband and l are healthcare workers, not in a cheap part of the country. One of our chikdren is neurodiverse and the other might be. I am neurodiverse myself and have other physical health issues. I challenge my husband all the time. I have noticed a common trend where men with neurodiversity expect and are given understanding. But with women then people shrug and just expect them to get on with it

Hi, your story is so similar to mine in terms of jobs and home. Are you able to have a tiny conservatory at the back added? Even 3m x 2.5m would create a teen hang out space with a TV and sofa. Would your daughter consider a high sleeper despite being a teen and adult sized as that would create sleepover space in her room. It sounds like the area you live in is lovely. Also, it sounds obvious but have you done a major declutter recently and thought about clever storage hacks. Is the area under the stairs being used to its full potential? Even the stairs themselves can be made into drawers. Swap big wardrobes out for wall mounted hanging rails and capsule wardrobes. You can wall mount all sorts of things from hoover's to ironing boards on the backs of doors etc. As for your children comparing; you are reinforcing their views yourself. You both do amazing and important jobs and I know the salaries fall so short of what you should be paid and it is infuriating but your children should be proud of you and understand that the salary for these roles isn't great but the impact you make matters so much more.

Exactly

but OP seems 🤷‍♀️ about this

and as a PP points out - there is a fair bit of this that doesn’t make sense the more she posts

If your lounge is seperate from the kitchen it could even be worth making that into your bedroom and then given both children the bigger bedrooms and making the box room into a very small lounge. It sounds as though a lot of things are getting you down and making you angry but a bigger house would not solve all your problems and if you feel low it is probably making you hate your house more than you would if you were happier. If your husband has ADHD then the house probably has a lot of his clutter. Bin everything you can and streamline everything to the bare minimum including bulky furniture. I hope things improve for you.

OP you can probably get DLA for both of them! My DS has ADHD and when he was younger he got higher rate DLA because he was really struggling. You do need advice on how to fill out the from and support to do it because it’s psychologically hard work - you have to really think and be honest about how hard things are on a bad day - rather than as you are most of the time - trying to see the positives. DLA isn’t means tested and you can spend it how you want - transport, extra curricular activities for SEN, tutoring, or time off for you…

another thought is that you might be able to reduce mortgage payments - have you ever used a mortgage broker? A proper registered broker doesn’t charge you - they are paid by whichever mortgage provider you choose. They tend to have direct lines to the decision makers and IME really love getting a better deal for their clients. You may find you could get a better deal.

You've had some good advice on here but I think you sound overwhelmed understandably, some counselling might help you reframe some of it and cope better with other things too. Worth a thought

I’m here to tell you that my DS is now 20 and we can have adult conversations about difficult it was when he was younger, this too shall pass

I’ve heard DLA is hard to get so ‘will probably get it for both kids’ is a reach. I doubt 2 kids without EHCPs, who the school disagree have complex needs, and who can go for sleepovers and meet friends out independently will qualify. Especially for mobility.

And I don't know a thing about carers allowance - how am I entitled to carers allowance? I'm a parent.....ALL parents are carers to our kids, that's what we are surely, we care for our kids, how can a benefit be awarded for this, surely every parent in the country is a carer?

All parents are parents. Not all parents are unpaid carers/parent carers. The role of being a carer goes beyond the role of being a parent.

Mobility is only part of it. They may not get it but they might get something if they are struggling as described.

OP DLA is no based on a diagnosis, it’s based on difficulty and challenges

The thing you didn’t respond to is the many people who said the actual issue here is certainly somewhat your husband. If you and the kids were in the house without him, it might actually be much easier

As an NHS nurse and my husband works also for the NHS I would hate for my husband to have the attitude towards me not going in for promotion. I had the opportunity to continue at a band 7 in an awful
job which made me miserable for 9 months! I had been a band 6 NP for 10 years prior to this. I went back down to a band 6 in a lovely job and top it up with bank hours.
The only way I can see it ‘working’ is if you both work opposite shifts and never see each other! You work nights and sleep while they are at school.
With you working 25 hours you could do that over 2 shifts and pick up the odd extra with enhancements.

My husband has always been a 9-5 and I’ve always done shift work! Even on nights I could do the school run or work over the weekend when he was off and I covered the childcare during the week.

Now he can’t be left overnight due to seizures so I work 24 hours over 3 days and try and get shifts on a weekend.
We bought below our means in a cheaper area and have extended our 3 bed home. Weve been here 13 years and still waiting it to be an ‘up and coming area’.

You have a secure home for your children.

I don’t think a child capable of going out independently with friends and who is able bodied is in need of a ‘carer’ rather than a parent.

I think the first step here is to rethink what all her family members are actually capable of, not the habit of dependence on her they’ve got themselves into.

A parent of a DC with the needs OP describes meets the definition, as set out in law, of a parent carer.

Very much depends which of OPs changing descriptions you go by...

Your house is fine. Stop being daft.

It doesn’t. The needs OP describes, whether you think they are contradictory or not (and actually to those with a proper understanding of SEN and how it can present, everything she has said can be true), means she meets the legal definition of being a parent carer.

I honestly think your life would be better by ditching the husband. There would be more space for a start, no drinking. If you could negotiate to not sell the house until the end of school. Even living in rented enabling you to claim UC once savings are spent could be better.

It seems as though your DC will live with you long term.

Why are you attacking me like this?