AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Please stop all the comparison stuff. It doesn’t help at all. There will always be people with more than you and also, you have something that others would envy. Everyone’s mental health in your house seems to be shot. Focus on that. If you have money to pay mortgage, bills, food etc you are ok for now. The main issues seem to be the near burn out you and your husband are experiencing. Blaming him or others isn’t helpful. Try to make the best of what you have.

I've just checked how many square metres is our house and it's 74! We brought up 4 dc in this house and whilst it was a squash and a squeeze sometimes it never put them off bringing friends home. If they wanted a sleepover they utilised the lounge. The youngest has just started university so it feels pretty empty atm but come christmas when we host the 4dc, 4gc, dm, df and 2sil we'll all be cosy!

Just for dinner, or all staying? You have seating for 14 people?

That is quite insanely small for 6 people

how many bedrooms?

People in different rooms!

You raised 4 children in a house with a 74 sq meter living space, like this…

It’s about 5o percent bigger than a static caravan, as much as I do believe 6 people could live there at a push, I’m struggling with Xmas dinner for 14l

I only skimmed because I’m falling asleep, but from the sound of it…if I were you? I’d boot my husband out, collect child support, claim DLA, and since it would be just me, I’d move into the box room and give DD the larger one so she could have friends over. 🤷‍♀️

Well our 3rd bedroom is smaller and we have a lounge diner. Dd3 had to sleep in our room until her older sisters left home and we had to get rid of the wardrobes to fit in a shortie bed for her. We all survived. I do have a photo of the 14 of us at Easter and definitely very tight but the gc are all very young.

One bathroom. 2.5 bedrooms. 6 people. Presumably a galley kitchen and a very small lounge / diner? Wow! This was a bungalow presumably?

I grew up in a traditional 1940's three bed semi. I have just looked online for houses for sale similar to the house I grew up in, and they are around 85m².

There were six of us, me, my parents, and three brothers, who all shared a bedroom with a set of bunk beds and a single bed. I had the box room which was 6' x 6' and included the bulk head for the stairs.

When my children were growing up we lived in a similar sized house, in fact it was probably smaller. Two children in one room, one in the box room.

I am sure your children will be fine going forward regarding the size of the house. My best friend lived in a huge house with six bedrooms and only four people in it, yet she loved spending time at our house.

Envy is a terrible thing, and stops you appreciating what you do have, which is two incomes and a roof over your heads.

Please do speak to your gp regarding help with/for your children. It sounds as if you could be entitled to PIP/carers allowance.

I can't offer advice on the husband problem, but please do look into financial help for the children. Just a thought, could you do one night shift a week? That would bring a few hundred £ extra a month. Even if that couldn't facilitate a move to a larger property, it could enable you to put some money into savings, pay more off the mortgage every month, or use it for treats for you and the children.

You need to apply for DLA for both children. It's not means treated.

You're being run ragged. The issue isn't the size of the house. You're thinking bigger house = more space. The correct formula is better support = more mental space. You haven't got any. Maybe contact a local carers group. They could also help with your DLA applications.

And you need a break. Seriously woman, you need a break. Start small. Find a massage therapist or something.

OP we had a 3 bed house smaller than yours (just under 800 sq ft) which I had bought before meeting my ex and then we had two DC. It felt like hard work with little space for 4 of us so we bought something bigger when the DC were still small which needed work as we couldn’t afford something ‘done’. Now we’ve separated and I would give anything to go back to the previous property. Try and focus on being grateful for what you have, but I do understand what it’s like when your house feels inadequate.

No, a house with a narrow hallway. My eldest girls had bunks and did their school work on the floor as we couldn't fit a desk. They've done very well, both Cambridge graduates who live in larger houses so perhaps it provided motivation. They were all very accepting of the situation and we spent a lot of time together. Growing up I had to top and tail with my late db for a year in a small flat with a toilet on the landing until the council gave us a house.

Just for dinner! My parents live nearby and the eldest 2 and their dh and dc normally stay with them.

I literally do not know about this stuff. I'm kind of gobsmacked reading everyone's posts about claiming. It's as simple as this: I thought people who work can't claim benefits. Full stop. I did not know people who work can. I did not know that DLA can be claimed for SEN children. I genuinely honest to God did not know. And I don't know a thing about carers allowance - how am I entitled to carers allowance? I'm a parent.....ALL parents are carers to our kids, that's what we are surely, we care for our kids, how can a benefit be awarded for this, surely every parent in the country is a carer?
I don't believe we'd be eligible for UC on 2 incomes.
I'm not being funny here and I don't want to sound dismissive of your advice, but delivering babies and attending RTAs for a living doesn't make you aware of the benefits system, I'm surprised you find this surprising?

Well now you do

It hadn’t occurred to me either but I’m an immigrant so I get surprised a lot. I didn’t apply until my daughter was 11 and it was only through a support group mentioning it. Genuinely had no idea but it’s made a massive difference.

@Miseramble please do then

https://www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children/how-to-claim

And if over 18 it's called PIL.

@Miseramble To get some help before you get overwhelmed :

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/disability-living-allowance/help-with-your-dla-claim/how-to-claim-dla/

If over 16 it’s called PIP

UC is quite a confusing system especially for people who have no experience of it. And tbh even for those who do! But there is a possibility you may qualify for a small amount of UC even when both of you work. UC is made up of different components called "elements". These are either single or couple, children, housing, childcare, carer, disability etc. These are set amounts and they add all of these up to reach a total amount. Obviously people will have different elements on their claim as some will have children and some won't, some will have childcare, some will rent but others will have a mortgage and therefore no housing element, some people will have disabilities or disabled child element etc. It is all based on individual circumstances. So they reach this amount then if there is earned income from employment this is deducted on a taper basis from that. This is only from earned income not other benefits like DLA or child benefit etc. The first £710 of income is disregarded and then 55p in every £1 is deducted from the total they got earlier from adding all the elements up. Then, the claimant receives what is left after the deduction is made.

With 2 children potentially eligible for DLA, you may receive a small amount of UC but it depends which rate of DLA they get as the disabled child element of UC varies based on what DLA they get. Also, you can potentially claim Carer's element on UC which is another amount which is added to the total before deductions for income. This is different from Carer's Allowance which is a separate benefit and you wouldn't qualify for that anyway as there is an earnings limit which you would be above. If you have 2 children receiving DLA then you can claim Carer's element on UC. You would be named as caring for one child and the husband for the other.

I hate the “all parents are carers” thing when it comes to discussing claiming Carers Allowance for children.

Some of us have one or more severely disabled children who have never had a privilege of a school that they can attend for so much as an hour, and are busy managing EOTAS packages which are a constant battle with the LA and are very precarious (a staff member is ill or leaves and it all just pauses or stops immediately), reduced timetables at special schools and children who will never be able to live independently. No, not all parents are carers in the way that we are.

Honestly, I would look around at the area you live in and think really and truly what is keeping you there and is it worth the trade off to your quality of life? Slightly different situation in for us but we moved back to my home country, and went rural and it’s lovely. Things have been eerily similar for us, but we’ve got a small mortgage and a large space which gives us other options for regular income. We’re still skint mind you, but we hope not to be, long term.