AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Oh did I diagnose someone? I didn't realise my message was being sent straight to the NHS. Try considering "Is this comment helpful or just judgemental" next time. FYI: Heritability of ADHD is something like 80% for one parent. Paramedics are known to often have ADHD, because the high adrenaline situations keep us going better than calm office situations. In one study 58% of paramedics self reported as having ADHD. As ADHD is so under diagnosed in adult populations that is incredible. All parents get overwhelmed but neurodivergent parents obviously get overwhelmed faster and stay that way longer. It causes poor mental health, just like the OP said her husband had reported. ND people often self medicate with drugs or alcohol. We have a short fuse sometimes and poor emotional regulation, especially when we are undiagnosed and unmedicated. We have shorter life spans because of these things. Gatekeeping who can and cannot discuss it does not help. There are a lot of parents out there who are struggling with unknown neurodivergences. They need people to point out to them that ND might be a factor for them. They do not need people too scared to "diagnose" something. You wouldn't be too worried about saying, "Helen, you keep bumping into things, maybe you're short sighted?" Since having a neurodivergent brain is nothing to be ashamed of, this is no different.

I think it’s easier/safer to be angry about the house than it is about your DH. I think the house would be less of an issue to you if you didn’t have to deal with the resentment and frustration your DH’s presence contributes to your life.

Ummmmm okay. I think your figures might be slightly out there but about 4% of the population has ADHD so no, nearly 60% of paramedics do not have ADHD even if they believe they do. It may be under diagnosed (although I don’t think it is anymore) but as I said you cannot say for certain that someone is ND just because they have a child who is.

What on earth?? OP has two children with multiple special needs, four of them in a house that's only 85sqm, and both she and her husband work in hard NHS jobs that don't pay that well! Spoiled???? Hardly! I bet you wouldn't swap with her! This is one of the least spoiled OPs I've ever read!

Interesting. I wonder why it feels good for you to decide he is simply doing things badly rather than he has a quite prevalent brain difference that our society doesn't support, which his children have.

The OP hasn’t even said her kids have ADHD.

58% reported a formal diagnosis. https://internationaljournalofparamedicine.com/index.php/ijop/article/view/3601
And who cares if I'm certain? I suggested she look into it, based on not just the fact that her children are, but the other patterns she reported. His executive dysfunction, his emotional dysregulation, his self reported poor mental health.You really seem much more committed to judgement and blame than helpfulness. Why does my suggestion her husband might be ND too cause you such a knee jerk reaction? Do you just prefer that he not get the "excuse"? Or do you just like having a negative contradictory view?

Oh FFS. No she hasn't. But her husband is a paramedic, so he's probably not autistic, unless he is both autistic and ADHD. I get that you don't see my logic. That's fine. I know more about this subject than you and my response was to the OP. Agree to disagree.

I understand. Completely. Wish we had more space.

and people saying ‘work more shifts’ are not being realistic. It costs at least £20000 to move house let alone the increase in mortgage and bills once you’re there.

I grew up in a huge but very unhappy house where my parents were abusive. I was hit regularly. I was smacked on the hand once - age around 11 - because a friend had invited herself round and I hadn’t asked them ( they were in the middle of an argument). The smack was administered in front of the friend.

I would have loved to visit a small but happy home. There are much, much more important things than your property’s footprint.

The average UK terraced house is 82 to 88sq m. It's not large but not exceptionally small., for a terraced house in UK particularly in streets contain Victorian terraces intermingled with semis and detached houses. Ideal for a couple and one child but much more cramped with 2 teenagers.

The problem is OP would like move to a larger sized family house but can't afford to move in the same nice area because they are stretched on their mortgage so can't borrow significantly more as I terest rates have doubled in the last 5 years. , so unless either OP or DH get large salary increase they can't afford a bigger mortgage so the alternative is to move to a cheaper location to see if a bigger house could be bought for about the same price.

OPs options are limitedvwitjin the house she owns, but the space will feel cramped with two teenagers and small rooms . A loft/attic conversion ( if space is sufficient height wide would use up the box room for the stair case up to the attic space) . Moving to a cheaper area, or renting larger house while renting out the smaller one might be options. Having a 3 m kitchen rear extension and using outdoor space for a summerhouse or retreat might also possible but OP garden probably isn't big enough for both, or even one, assuming they can afford the cost. It mght be possible to swap some of the downstairs space around to creat a bigger kitchen diner, but it all costs money.

Getting DH to help out more might reduce some of the stress in the situation but isn't an overall solution.

@SecretsAndLies77 I agree. From the way op was describing her home at 85sm I thought that meant tiny

as didn’t know what the size was

as my previous reply said , her home is larger than mine and I’m in a 3 bed semi

mine is 78.8 so 6sm smaller

Op lives in a perfectly normal sized house, in a nice area, she works part time. Yes we'd all love more space but 4 people in a 3 bed is fairly average.

I agree. My childhood home was 85sqm, a 3 bed semi, all the houses in the area are of a similar size, plenty smaller, they were all family homes. Many many families living in similar size houses, many in smaller terraces.

Yes its not massively spacious, and yes lots of families have more, but its a very normal amount of space for a family of 4 and absolutely not the tiny tiny house OP is making it out to be.

Glad you put this as I really thought I was going mad

op has what I call a normal /good size /average home

Sorry but with every post you sound even worse. Why exactly can’t an autistic person be a paramedic? So her DH must be ADHD because he’s on his phone all the time but he can’t be ASD because he’s a paramedic. He and/or the OP must however be ND because of the kids. You don’t sound knowledgeable in the slightest I’m afraid.

This. It is a totally normal size family home. Not massive but really not the shoebox the OP is making out. She lives in an expensive area as well so her house probably isn’t cheap. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/91414599
this is an 84 square metre house in Bristol (also a fairly pricy area) that costs over half a million pounds. Yes I’m sure some will come along and say they’d never live somewhere that small bla bla bla but for most people, it’s entirely normal.

Did you clock he permanently has a can of beer in his hand?

from the property description it sounds like 2 people have been living here. A single parent and her daughter

Well, this changes things significantly. I think this - not the small house - is the real root of your unhappiness!! If you had the biggest house in the world, it wouldn't make you any happier if your husband was useless and put your child's safety and health at risk. You just have more space for him to wander around, drink beer and neglect your kids.

Exactly! Our house is a decent size but not great condition - kitchen is awful, cold in the winter, rain comes in our back door. But we also have a steady stream of children coming through, and DH and I relegated to our room much of the time as they take over the lounge as their rooms are too small for their mates to be in. Children come where they feel comfortable, not where is fanciest

OP you might be able to help your kids by giving them some perspective. Start watching YouTube videos of housing in Singapore or Hong Kong cage homes or Victorian slums or even central Paris apartments. People have lived (and do live!) in much much smaller spaces with far more folks around.

I wonder if your home would feel bigger if you had a go at decluttering too. 4 people is 4 lots of stuff and it quickly adds up. You might be able to make some money out of your efforts at a car boot sale too.

So??? It’s genuinely not uncommon for a family of four to live in an 85 square metre house. I don’t care who lived there before, I’m just showing for those who might think we are talking about some tiny hovel that it really isn’t. Of course there are bigger houses in existence. The OP and her husband are fairly low/modest salary NHS workers with two disabled kids. Does she think other families in a similar financial position all live in mansions?

Oh don’t be so short sighted

We all know that there’s smaller properties out there blah blah blah

but this is a bona fide very small property for 3 adults and an almost teen 🤷‍♀️ of which 2 have extensive needs

It is substantially smaller than the average.

I felt like the OP as a teacher. My son used to comment on size of friends’ houses and ages of their cars. It’s certainly put him off teaching - along with the workload. We’re effectively in a starter home but in an upmarket area. I spend a lot of time having “sort outs” trying to find storage space. It’s a bit soul destroying. I used to say “Because your mother was daft enough to get qualifications and work in public service…” He’s at university now but the summer was a challenge especially when he brought all his stuff from halls home.