AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

If you got rid of DH then you could manage with a single.
Like many others I see this as a husband problem more than a house problem. So he has picked his working hours to keep him out four evenings a week and is able to do things for him on the weekends, and things which cost money! You have arranged your working hours around the needs of your children. He, a medical practitioner, was unable to reliably give his child their prescription medication. He has effectively opted out of being relied on as a parent.
It sounds as if you are both finding life with two teenagers with extra needs tough. He has elected to supply, but not maximise, income but does not contribute anything else and is living a single life. You have arranged everything round your children but are so overwhelmed with keeping life on track day to day that you are unable to stop and look at the bigger picture. The house has become the focus of your frustrations.
You need to look at three things, and really look at them rather than finding an instant reason to reject possibilities, which is a result of the stress you are under.

1. Benefits, apply for PIP for both dc. Get help to do this, CAB or possibly a support worker your dc have. Check again, especially if they are awarded PIP about other benefits.
2. Marriage, you are carrying the entire practical and emotional burden. Would this be harder or easier if you separated, look at all aspects.
3. House, can it be made to work better, what would be involved.

Are you able to access any talk therapy through your work, it might help you.

Well obviously I know because, like I said, I rent a big house myself. I just don’t see the point in this whole family being incredibly unhappy because they own a house that they all hate. But I do hear what you’re saying.

Have you actually checked if you’re entitled to UC? As you have a mortgage it won’t be much but with the child elements and added disability elements it may be a bit. DLA could help provide private counselling sessions too.
if he’s off doing the gym and lads holidays there may be money there he’s just pissing it away.

He sounds like he’s checked out of parenthood and assumes you'll do everything, being part time. Could you have couples therapy to work through these issues, if you love him. Part of the issue is you have no down time or time to self care while he does, causing you to run on empty while he’s off on holiday and chilling Mondays. He needs to name things he can do reliably do daily to lighten the load and enable you to go to the gym or whatever. If it’s not medication, it needs to be other daily things which will support the family. In difficult times, couples really need to pull together to get through.

Also it sounds like DH may need counselling independently to address his alcohol use, which he is using as a crutch.

House wise, declutter with in an inch of your life. Help the kids declutter too, so theres minimal stuff taking up extra space. Everything remaining must have an allocated home, this could be labeled if it helps create systems. Then decorate, make the environment feel light and airy, use texture and colour cleverly, ensure furniture works within the environment (compact, foldable, multifunctional?), use mirrors to create the illusion of space, make the garden a beautiful little haven so you can step outside and have a cup of tea, use the local park or countryside when needing more space. If possible add a small insulated shed/covered area outside with heater so anyone can leave the house and sit out even when raining and cold. Make your house and garden an amazing small space.

It’s possible the kids could have moved on in 6 or 8 years, so think long term about the house.

Having a bigger house (and bigger mortgage) is not always the lifeline you think it will be. I say this as someone who downsized dramatically with four kids (one SEN) and a loving but overwhelmed DH who struggled mentally when I worked full time for four years.

Kick out the knobhead and you won’t need a double bed. Perhaps a small double would fit if you’d like a bit more space?

So I grew up in a very small house. A 2 bedroom terrace which means I shared a room with my two sisters. I slept in a bunk bed until I moved out at the age or 21. At primary school I remember a boy in my class saying that I lived in a cardboard box. I hadn’t really paid much attention up until that point but from around the age of 10 admittedly I was quite self conscious about where I lived and when I used to get a lift home from people (my parents didn’t even own a car) I would tell them to drop me on the end of the street so that they couldn’t see exactly which house I lived in. Fast forward 25 years and I now live in an expensive flat in London have qualified as a lawyer after getting a first class degree. Those kids with the big houses from my primary school haven’t done a great deal with their lives they’ve had help getting on the housing ladder but are pretty average. I suppose what I’m saying is that growing up in a small house doesn’t limit what kids can do and perhaps makes them more determined to succeed. I’m a firm believer in experiences and indeed my childhood memories aren’t from where I lived but what we did as a family days out etc. those are the memories and experiences that will shape a child.

I don’t have any practical solutions re space but would like to offer some thoughts. Our house is pretty small compared to some of my friends and my DD’s friends and sometimes I’ve been wishful in thinking oh it’d be nice to have something bigger. But I think most things have pros and cons. A larger house would be great re space but it’s also more to clean and keep on top of. So I’ve focused on trying to make our little house as lovely as I can (on a budget and with limited time!). Decluttering was a pain but has made such a difference. A few nice cushions, pictures on the wall, a rug etc. I feel our home is small but clean and cosy. Is there stuff you could declutter or furniture that isn’t really needed? Or maybe painting the walls a lighter colour? I know this kind of thing doesn’t solve everything but might help. I also think whatever the size of house it’s the feeling inside that’s important.

OP I just wanted to respond as you’ve had some tough comments. I agree with those saying it’s more a DH problem than a house problem although I can absolutely see the house situation isn’t ideal. Given your updates about medication, drinking and lack of support your resentment of your DH makes complete sense. Does he have any good qualities and have you looked at what you might be entitled to if you were to divorce in terms of benefits housing etc.

I don't know if anyone has suggested any of this because there's 20 pages of responses here. But as your kids are ND, at least one of you or your husband is. It's likely enough that both of you are. Based on this, and your husband's job, I bet your husband at least has ADHD. I will tell you when my husband and I got diagnosed and medicated it helped a LOT. We're still overwhelmed, but imagine what that means we used to feel like. There is some mindset work to do too, but it's SO hard to do when your brain is melting down every day. Just look into it. You're not failing, you're being failed.

You need to claim for your kids needs it will make a huge difference.

We get £310 a month for my DS.

Why did you post @Miseramble ? You begin by saying it’s about the size of the house and then spend most of the thread telling us how ghastly your husband is, but clearly have no intention of leaving him so… why? Just to offload?

And if your children are as disabled as you describe and have had the extent of professional involvement as your describe- then very odd not to have pursued DLA

you should look at UC and some sites even have a calculator you can enter your details into so you get a rough idea of what you would be entitled too. Even if you don’t qualify for any of the standard UC you may still be entitled to the disability element which is a few £100’s.
you can call the DLA up and apply to make 2 separate claims for your children and they will send you the paperwork, my advice though would just apply for one at a time and it’s a lot of paperwork and your child’s history from birth needs going into it.

i was only working part time in a school but like I said I had no choice in the end to give up work because DS was constantly being sent home as he was having meltdowns because his needs were not met, they would tell him they didn’t have staff to supervise him even though it was in his EHCP he was to have 1-1’s and his school constantly calling me to collect him. Also we realised he was depressed on top of the anxiety he was suffering from and actually once the pressure of going to a school that was failing him was taken away his mental health improved. It also gave me time to breath not constantly feeling like I was being pulled in every direction and letting my colleagues down or not being there enough for my children. I also then felt ready to tackle SENA and apply for specialist setting on DS EHCP so we could get him into the right environment. Nearly 2 years later we have finally succeeded.

l am not saying it was an easy decision but It was decided I would return to work once the children had left education and my husband supported that decision as long as I made sure I made a little time for myself because of how demanding our children can be.
We looked at what financial support we would be entitled to and was surprised how much us and the children were entitled to. It worked out more than what I was earning working part time.

also if you have a citizens advice locally book an appointment with them as they can go through finances with you and tell you what you could be entitled to claim. I have read previous that they have also helped parents fill out the DLA paperwork to make sure their claim goes through.

also whilst I think of it, if either of your children have an EHCP you could also be entitled to a PTS ( personal transport budget) from your local council that pays towards your petrol costs to and from school or you can apply for a taxi service they use to take your child/ren to and from school. I only knew about this from another SEN parent. My children are also selective mute and would not get in a car with a stranger so I do the school runs and the petrol allowance comes in handy.

Hi OP. I'm sorry that life is hard for you right now. It is completely understandable that you are feeling this way given everything going on. To those saying move to a cheaper area, perhaps you could consider this if it means your kids can stay in the same school but it sounds like you need to try to make the house work. Is there an option to put a porch out front and widen the front door to give you a little extra breathing room from the front door crush. You can also remove what you can from rooms that you don't use/need. Sell stuff/pack stuff into the loft-really try to declutter to feel less hemmed in. Use tops of wardrobes/space under beds/shelves on walls for storage. Consider a fold down dining table(freecycle/charity shops).
You have been dealt a rough hand - payfreezes/mortgage fee hikes and being a parent is a lot in itself. Try to focus on the positive, you both do worthwhile jobs and you have a home. Sending you strength and understanding xx

I think this is good advice. For a few years now I also became fixated on moving, I thought I needed to leave the city to provide a safer area to bring up my children, but all comparisons led me round in circles until I took a step back and realised it wasn't where we were living that I didn't like as such, it was our situation and my mental health.
I feel so much for you, you work hard in a very worthwhile job, as does your husband and it doesn't translate into what you thought it would, or to what you deserve (in my opinion) and it's demoralising. Me and my partner are both chefs, so not as important jobs, but very long hours and not very good pay so we struggle financially as well. Unfortunately this is hard to change without studying or changing career, and that is very hard to fit in. But I do think just trying to take stock of what you have and how well you look after your children, perhaps you are closer with your children then others might be, whatever it is, try and see what's good and look forward to when you might be able to make things better in future. Say when the kids leave school maybe you won't feel bad about moving to a cheaper area. ...
Also in my opinion the kids not having their mates over is not the end of the world, when we were young, there was always one house everyone went to more than others, be thankful it's not yours 🤣🥰.
All the best ❤️

@Miseramble as a fellow midwife and mum of 3 ND kids, I can completely empathize. It’s so tough. One of my children has a bedroom like the cupboard under the stairs in Harry Potter 😂.

Definitely apply for DLA for each child, might be PIP if oldest 15/16. It makes a huge difference. Long process but worth it. Also look at UC.

Do occ health have a staff counselling service?

Also you have a DH problem 😩. Can you afford marriage counselling?

Lastly, declutter massively. Look at that programme Stacey something or other ‘declutter your life’.

Sorry one more thing, are there any NHS schemes for buying homes in your area?

You're suffering much more from the disease of comparison, than you are from the actual lack of space in your house.

Okay, so it's not the biggest house. It's also absolutely not the smallest, at 85sq meters. Yes I understand about the hallway etc, still, it's not the smallest house nor something that you have any rational reason to feel embarrassed about.

Teach your children that there are people in European countries where a family of 4 would be very happy to live in 85 sq meters and often live for 18 years in flats of half that size. I say this with confidence because I come from such a country, so you need to get a bit of a grip and stop needlessly suffering just because you're comparing yourself to your super afluent neighbours. You are also affluent compared to many other people.

Just read all your responses and feel my previous response is not all that useful. It does sound a lot like dh is the problem here, or stress for the two of you has caused resentment. Is dh Nd and maybe that's why he's struggling to understand kids?

I’m sorry it’s all feeling shit at the moment. I haven’t rtft so probably it’s been discussed, but would it be worth considering moving out of the lovely street to a less desirable location with more space? I explain that to my kids when we go to nicer areas that they would like to live in - it was either choose this and be really close to the nice cafes etc, or choose where we are with a much bigger house and garden than we could afford in naice-ville.

I was your DC growing up in the tiny compared to my friends home. It was shit in many ways but I think really helped me understand and not judge other peoples situations. I’m sorry your DC struggle and it’s clearly not all about the home. I hope talking here at least helps a bit.

Sorry but you do need to start working on developing independence skills in your 15 year old in particular. Unless he is a danger to himself (eg severe learning disability) he needs to learn to be alone. Finding it scary isn't a good enough reason. I would start by popping out to the shop, for example, for 15 mins. Build up to getting home alone. He can text when he gets home so you know he's safe. Seriously, what can happen to a 15 year old in their own home for an hour? We don't need to protect our children from things that aren't actually harmful.

You also shouldn't be "putting" a 15 year old to bed. You can tell them it's bedtime. If they don't go to sleep , they will be tired the next day and then they will struggle and learn. Tbh I would say similar for the 12 year old.

You aren't there to cushion your children from life.

WRT the house - you live in a nice area, you feel safe. It could be an awful lot worse.

Short message, if you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to have what you have always had.

While neurodivergence is often genetic you really cannot diagnose people (“at least has ADHD” wtf) based purely on the fact that their children have a particular condition.

You could get a bunk bed for your DD if she wants friends to sleep over? Or build one of those summer house shed in the back yard / grass it over and they can camp out in the summer? I never had friends over as a kid as we lived in a scruffy council house and I was embarrassed. Can't see a reason why your kids would be embarrassed, I think you are dwelling on it too much. Also, you could progress your own career if you wished, and as others have said ask your partner to reduce hours to be home for the kids.

Should have referred to vicarious trauma rather than burnout which has been overused as a term. If someone is seriously mentally struggling that can obviously be a reason they're not parenting well. That might not be the case here but working as a paramedic means it's a very real possibility.

However if it is the case he needs to seek help and potentially a different job. But not so they can have a bigger house and be just as stressed again. Small houses aren't the end of the world.

I think you’re fine to be angry with him but you’ve got to be clear in your own mind which aspect of him angers you. So I think maybe not earning more is OK, but not stepping up with the kids is unforgivable.

The medicine thing is appalling!

The late nights and long weekends are another issue - I can see why this is festering with you. He shouldn’t be making sure he has more time off when the kids are at school at the expense of never being there in the evenings. That’s just selfish. I also means your overall hours of work of some kind far exceed his.

I’m not sure he’ll change though so might be more a case of cutting your losses.

I agree!

Permanently having his phone in his hands is more likely to be the reason for his disorganisation than ADHD