AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I'm in a similar situation - smallest house in the street, in an affluent area. It's a 2-bed house and there are 4 of us. My husband wants to move somewhere bigger, but that would be a financial stretch for us and I just don't want that stress.
Weirdly, I genuinely love my tiny house. It's small, but that forces us to be tidy and not hoard things. It's easy to clean and look after. The kids don't have much space, but the money we might have spent on a bigger house/mortgage, can instead be spent on things for them. As the rooms are small, it doesn't cost a bomb to furnish nicely and get nice carpets etc. Also, I honestly think it's better to live in a nice area than to have a big house. As the TV show says, Location, location, location.
It's only natural to compare yourself to your neighbours' wealth and feel inferior, but pls try not to. Hold your head up high. Being a midwife, you do one of the most difficult jobs there is. Explain to your children how important and rewarding your jobs are, but that public sector jobs just don't pay as much as cortporate.
And tiny houses do have their perks!

Would you be entitled to UC if you divorced your DH

Might solve a few problems for you...

Plan B, become a single parent. So often I see fathers such as your husband causing ND kids so much anxiety that the whole household is much calmer when they are gone. He would pay maintenance and you would qualify for universal credit. Obviously if you love him and want him around it’s a different matter, but ask yourself if you do. Sometimes people feel trapped in a relationship because they feel partners salary is essential, but it’s not.

The plan:

Look into getting DLA
Use the entitled to website to see if you would get UC
Ask yourself if you function better as a family of 3 or 4

Good luck. I’ve been there.

Life choices. Your DH should have done the masters to improve his family’s life but chose not to because it would be stressful. Your life is stressful anyway, he had an opportunity to make it better and declined. What a selfish prick. Part of adulthood, particularly parenting, requires a level of discomfort and pushing your limits if you want to have a good life. You’re stuck because you’ve both made choices to remain stuck.

I agree with this.

We live in a similar house with four of us (one taller than me!) and the third box room doesn’t even fit a single bed in it due to a stair box, and we have the same with getting shoes and coats on. But we manage - it’s minor in the grand scheme of things and we’re in a lovely area, and walking distance to a good school.

Also I’ve seen multiple family members have to downsize as they get older; this house will be perfect for us as the children move out and we age.

We aren’t the type to compare ourselves or to decorate every year (or even every 5 years!) to keep up with trends though, and we are grateful for what we do have - we’d rather have lovely holidays every couple of years than have every penny go on a house.

Having a positive attitude makes a big difference. I feel quite happy with our house (and find the negativity of this post quite depressing…). Many people live in smaller houses.

Not commenting on the DH issue, just the OP.

I'm normally the first to agree with this when I hear about this kind of unequal situation. But. Husband is an NHS paramedic. This is hugely significant. He sounds burnt out, possibly PTSD which a lot of us would be if we had to face the situations he does. He might need some help and a sideways move. I liked the GP paramedic suggestion above. Or a first aid trainer for local council. Be kind to each other.

So you live in a 3 bed house that is actually not tiny (absolutely loads of people have a small kitchen) and you’ve worked yourself up into a massive frenzy because some people have bigger houses. Get a grip, seriously.

He might be burnt out but that’s not an excuse not to parent his children. Lots of women are burnt out, but they don’t have the choice to disappear off at weekends/be there for their kids/give up on looking after their children.

Your husband sounds as though he works hard, until late, in a stressful job. 🤷‍♀️

You might have a small house, but many people would love to have any sort of house.

If you’re that desperate to move, you really need your take on a 2nd job that you can fit around your DHs work - it hasn’t got to be NHS.

Other than that, I’d just make best use of what you’ve got.

I have to say I didn’t know how big or small 85sm was

I was thinking from what you said it was very small

im in a 3 bed semi and dont know the size

so I compared it to a house down my road for sale which is same layout as mine

theirs /mine is 78.8

so actually smaller than yours

I don’t think my house is small so I don’t actually understand why you are saying 85 is small @Miseramble

i have a large garden as ex council , I get yours is small

but the actual house size doesn’t sound tiny

yes you have 4 living there. I did have dh and myself and a child

now just mini blondes and myself

but even when a family of 3 I didn’t think was tiny

most along my road are 2 adults and 2 kids /teens

some are 2 adults and 3 kids so 2 share the 2nd large bedroom

Maybe op is better with her children and their complex needs? Sad to say but some men are not equipped like women when it comes to these things, it’s not that easy especially as she says her husband doesn’t do housework 🙈 sure if it was that easy op would do it, work may be easier for her than the stress of it all on her shoulders

I feel you OP. It's a horrible situation to be in. 2 NHS workers in this house and I can't help but feel that 30 years ago we would have been in a really great situation. We're in a 3 bed with a box room and high COL area. Luckily the kids are still small, but we wanted to extend/ have this as a 10 year house, but both look unlikely as our mortgage goes up by 50% next year.

Can your DH work some overtime on these 3 day weekends he's managed? Not sure what the situation is like in the ambulance service as I know in the hospitals there's a big drop in bank/ agency availability. Or if he's not in the ambulance service, can he get some overtime with them? Although it does sound like he's pretty rubbish and not likely to help out in that way.

Have you looked in to leaving? You may end up better off if you can claim benefits?

Sending love

I have to be honest, I haven’t RTFT but the OP resonated with me. We grew up in a two up, two down. My parents, me and my sister. My sister and I shared a bedroom until I moved out at 21. There were 7 years between us. We couldn’t afford anything bigger. The house was the source of so many arguments between my parents. My friends all had large houses (felt like mansions to me but were probably mainly 3-bed semis, in hindsight!) It was tiny and cramped, and I never had friends to stay. But as a kid I never felt embarrassed. It was still our home. We just didn’t spend any time with friends here. Went out or to friends houses. The part I hate to remember is the arguments. Not the lack of space.

Fast forward a few years I eventually ended up buying the house from them after my grandparents passed and they needed the money to do up their house. It was easier for us to get a mortgage than it was for them as low earners. Since, I split from my partner and it’s just me and my young son here. Even with two it’s still tiny and cramped. There’s toys stuffed into every gap and I feel guilty he has to live here. I don’t ever invite people round. But it is our home. It’s cosy and comfy and we have everything we need (except space!) What I will say is, that if you have any, get rid of clutter. It felt so much worse when I was here with my parents as they had so much crap. Stuff accumulated over the years that we really didn’t need and just made the place feel even smaller. My son has medical conditions so I still have lots of equipment and boxes to house but everything else is away and in a cupboard as much as I can. It really helps me to feel more relaxed when I can’t see clutter. I have to do it every three months. Dedicate an evening or two to clearing outgrown clothes, chucking stuff on Vinted. But it does help make it feel better in here.

What I’m trying to say is no, it’s not ideal. I also feel like a failure for not being able to afford/provide better than I grew up with for my son. But it is your home. So long as everyone is fed and clothed and generally happy, it won’t affect your kids forever. It does feel embarrassing to you, but other people don’t see it in the same way you do. Present it in the best way you can. Clean and tidy. You are doing your best. And the kids will understand that one day. Remember that not everyone in big houses are as happy as they portray either! And try not to let it cause rifts. That is the thing that sticks, not the lack of space.

I don’t know if this helps but I dated a guy in my 20s who was from a similar situation. Parents lived in a tiny house in a very affluent neighbourhood. Three kids, and they all still lived at home in their 20s to save money.

They eventually moved out of course. And all 3 kids were extremely accomplished - they all went to Oxbridge or a very high profile performing arts school (I feel like it’s not anonymous if I say which). All were very bright and it was a loving home. Oh and they also had a bunch of small dogs adding to the chaos.

Ex bf turned out to be an immature piece of shit but that wasn’t his parents fault or the tiny house.

These sets ups are more common than you realise and in my limited experience it did not negatively impact the kids. Ex would have been just as shitty had he grown up in Blenheim Palace.

. What a horrible thing to say

Another tiny home owner here. 90sqm of a 3 bed victorian terrace. Me and two teenagers. Their Dad lives in a 4 bed detached at 200sqm. Guess who's home they prefer... its not the big house.

Comparison is the theif of joy. Definitely stay off rightmove.

This would piss me off no end. 😠

Your husband works hard and plays hard, and you in essence are the default parent. You guys are not a team.
You need support, have you got other family/friends/support network that you can rely on when he is at work?
He needs to step up also. 💯

Could he/you/both afford to pay someone to get all the DIY jobs done?
If not, then he needs to factor them in.
If he can make time for festivals and coffee with pals, then he can do 1 DIY job per week, so it's done in manageable chunks. 💪

He needs to find common ground with his kids and step up. Ideally an activity with them, so you can have breathing space/some time to yourself.
Even 10 minutes a day or 1 hour a week is better than sod all. Playing games, watching sport, reading, sitting with them watching a movie, anything at all.
Doesn't need to be the same time everyday/week, but if it helps to be on a certain day, then make it a routine, whatever works for your family.
He needs to step up and get involved with the kids - without the bloody phone. 💯

If you cannot afford to move, I would try and maximise the space. Get rid of clutter and crap that will bring you stress.
Do the children have their own bedrooms? Maximise space, have storage and declutter etc. It all helps. 🏠

Best of luck OP.

What I took from your post (I know that wasn’t the point) is that your DC despite their additional needs have friends and social lives and get invited to parties and to their friends’ houses. That in itself is something to be proud of!
you can’t change the size of your house but could you do something else to make your house ‘fun’ for the DC? Get some fairy lights and a little gazebo for your garden where they can sit or something like that, or just try to be the relaxed parent - DD had friends who used to like coming here because I would let them paint / bake / make slime etc.

What, that the OP sounds ungrateful and spoilt? She does though 🤷‍♀️. If she really really needs a bigger house then move to a cheaper area. Theres loads of people who can’t even get on the property ladder, let alone own a three bed house. Seriously, scrolling Rightmove when your kid gets invited to a party? Who does that? I agree that the OP’s DH sounds crap but he’s probably miserable as sin as I would be too if I heard constant moaning about a pretty normal living situation. Ironically if she splits with him, they will probably have to sell and the OP will likely end up somewhere even smaller or even a flat.
The kids also sound like the OP’s attitude has rubbed off on them. The DD asking why they can’t have a kitchen extension like her friends. Wtf?

Ok OP, you have a lot going on, not just a small house.

You could move to a cheaper area but as you say you live near beautiful countryside on a nice road I think that is very important for well being. Are you outdoorsy people who make the most of the countryside around you?

Any possibility of extending your current house at some point?

Stop comparing yourself to other people as it is soul destroying. There are always going to be people with more money and bigger houses than you.

I grew up in a small 3 bedroom /1 bathroom house with 5 siblings and 2 parents. It was massively overcrowded but we made the best of it as that was all my parents could afford.

you need to give your kids a reality check. And that is everyone earns different amounts there will always be people that have more than you. Deal with it. My daughter is like this a lot of her friends appear to have more than she does house and holiday wise. What they don’t have is a widowed parent (me) that works full time but sacrifices on jobs so she can come home to be every night being there when she comes home from
scxhool and being there in the mornings too. Her friends don’t have that. I absolutely refuse to be guilt tripped when I know what we have achieved after loosing her dad is far more than a material higher salary and a bigger house.

If the lack of space is making you so miserable then your only option is to move, there must be neighbouring areas that are cheaper. I empathise as you obviously love the village

I would sell the house and rent somewhere bigger. Something has to give here and I would put home ownership at the top of what needs to go. I’m a single parent and I don’t own a house but I rent a big Victorian end of terrace with huge rooms and high ceilings. Renters rights have improved. You are slavishly attached to house ownership, even though nobody Iiving in it is happy there.

Second is, of course, your husband. Either he drastically changes his attitude to his family, and to life itself really, or tell him it’s over. If it’s the job then he needs to get another job. If he can’t administer a medicine to his own daughter, then I wouldn’t want him looking after me or my family in an emergency. Don’t care how burnt out he is. Funny how it’s nearly always men who burn out.

Next is you getting some kind of relief. Are you never going to be able to leave your kids so you can go get some shopping or whatever? Do you have family and/or neighbours who can help? What would happen if you said you had a weekend away booked with your friends?

I’m really sorry that you are so unhappy. Take care of yourself.

Sell their only asset and future security and run down the money by renting? Do you know how much 4 bed houses in expensive areas cost to rent? And all because she’s jealous of the neighbours. What happens when the money runs out? It’s the attitude that needs to give, not home ownership.

Just a question; why if you feel this present house has no garden to speak of and no open space why would you buy this rather than one of the other styles with large open spaces and a garden? Genuinely interested