AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Having read your updates @Miseramble, I can see why you are miserable and overwhelmed.

Your husband is failing you and your kids. The resentment you must be feeling….! He should be embarrassed.

when do you get time away from the house and parenting? I imagine that feels hard to do when you can’t rely on your husband to do some basic parenting.

That’s where I’d put my focus… he needs to step up and help you. You’d feel better about your living situation if you felt like you were partners in this.. currently you’re not. What excuse does he give you for being so utterly shit??

Odds on. If both your children are Nd, that both you and your husband are. I'd bet money on your husband being undiagnosed autistic, self medicating with beer and his phone for regulation.
Not that it helps because my opinion that he's likely Nd doesnt count as a diagnosis and even if it did, being autistic isn't an excuse for being a selfish pos.

About the size of the house yabu. But as other people have pointed out, the size of your house isn't your problem.
Your problem is the grown man dragging you down. Another huge presumption, I bet he loves being seen as a paramedic, a husband and a father. I'd bet he uses his hard job to not have to do anything at home, whilst hiding behind his persona of a family man to avoid extra responsibility at work. He's skating by doing less than the bare minimum but from the outside he's a paramedic and a send parent so he must be a hero.
Another assumption for all those saying 'why doesn't she have sleep overs in the lounge?' I bet you wouldn't even have considered it because it would inconvenience your husband too much and he would end up making that everyone else's problem.
I know what I'd do in your shoes..

There really is nothing wrong with living in a small house. Yes, it can seem cramped at times, but massive 4 bedroom houses are not the norm either.

It's good to help your kids understand this. And that being envious is a quick road to misery.

Who's that to then? Best to use the quote function.

OP's steadfastly not engaging with the financial advice. She's sticking with the "tiny" house issue.

It's been a frustrating read.

Lots and lots of posters have pointed this out, but OP has ignored it.

DS is already 15. In 3 years he’ll be moving out. Honestly, you all just have to grit your teeth and get through it. They’ll cope.

Your children don't live affluent lives. That's reality. They are incredibly lucky their parents were able to buy a house and raise them well.

This is a lot of nonsense, if for no other reason than you can change none of it so will have to find a way to accept that your reality is fine.

You are doing so much better then you think you are. You have given your children a stable home filled with love. Be kind to yourself.

Honestly, your life would be so much easier if you left your husband. He is the thing that is creating the stress and disappointment in your life. Not the house.
You haven’t said you love him but from what you say about his behaviour it is clear he doesn’t love you. sorry but actions you have disclosed in a few short posts would tell you that loud and clear.
it would seem any income he earns above yours is spent on personal recreation for him only. That is why you feel poor as a family.
loose the dead weight, claim benefits for your disabled children, I think your children will be happier not just you.

I do wonder how much your irritation with your house situation would disappear if your OH was a functioning adult /parent?

Are there reasons you're still living with him?

Can you move to a bigger house in a less affluent area nearby? We lived in a 98 sqm house for years and yes it's hard. We did have a 50 sq m back deck extension though. You are living pretty much in a house the size of a flat. So really all you can do is try and move? Have you much equity in the house? We moved two suburbs away and got a smaller mortgage for a bigger house twice the size. It was a pain but worth it.

A small house doesn’t make you a failure OP. It must be difficult now the DC are big, on the other hand they hopefully will be able to soon live independently albeit with support? Or least their schooling will be at an end soon?

I would try and focus on that, assuming you don’t think they will need to live with you into adulthood?

Otherwise if you need a bigger house longer term because you expect your DC will not be able to live independently, your jobs (while poorly paid, thanks other people’s fuck ups) do at least give flexibility to move - a bigger house would be possible with relocation to a cheaper part of the country.

Get out into that countryside more often. You are lucky to be affording your own home. Well done.
The only thing you can do is to teach your children to be home alone safely and comfortably.
Then you work a couple of full days and DH needs to upgrade by studying part time. If not, he needs to work more hours too.
Is there any work you can do while looking after the kids?
Ironing, laundry or mowing lawns?Your teenagers could mow too.

I’ve just worked out that I live in an 87m2 house…. 2 kids, one in a box room, I think it’s a pretty standard house size. it’s just unfortunate that you are surrounded by massive houses. I do have friends with much bigger houses and have struggled with jealousy but more recently have focused on decluttering and decorating to make it feel cosy. I also have friends with a smaller house and when I come back from there my house feels big and coming back from camping holidays, my house feels massive!

I do empathise because I live in a smaller home, with no outdoor space, and 3 teens. It is not easy, it is upsetting that they would rather hang out at their friends nice big homes, it is upsetting that one of my three would never bring anyone near our home out of embarassment.

But, it's not the end of the world is it? It's part of life, not everyone lives the same lifestyle. Being in close proximity to family is normal in most parts of the world. Kids who don't grow up in luxury may be more grounded than those that do. If I declutter and keep it tidy, that can help.

I think the fact that you find it so overwhelming is a sign that you're not coping in general and need to get some counselling to get to the root causes of your emotional struggles. All the best.

Many younger home owning parents have been caught out by Buyers remorse by trying getting on the property ladder by buying a small house when Interest rates were lower, thinking that it will do for a few years , and are now financially trapped,. It is hard whenthat happens through not fault of hard working people trying to do their best for their families.

How much equity do you have in your house?

Is that enough for a deposit to buy a larger home in a cheaper area?

As that appears to be your main option

. If you are living in London.or other expensive city can you move away and get local jobs elsewhere in a cheaper town as you have the types of jobs where the pay won't be significantly less elsewhere . It's disruptive to move, but an option you could discuss in terms of what's the most important factor for your family , size of accommodation or location.

Another option would be to rent a larger home while your teenagers live with you , and let yours out, then move back in once they leave home. There are tax implications if you do that though, but maybe that would meet your current needs better.

.

We upgraded from a small three bedroom (third was a box room, too) to a four bedroom end of terrace town house when the kids were early secondary/late primary school. The relief to have more space is real. We moved to a cheaper area not far from the old one so the new house wasn't actually more expensive so if you have this opportunity at all please consider it.

If you haven't you have to let go off the fact that others have bigger houses. If you can't get more space you just need to let this go and preserve your mental energy and not waste it on resentment for something you can't obtain. Put the energy into writing to your MP instead how it is that key workers like yourselves - your husband saving lives every day, you helping babies be born - are left to struggle and why doesn't the government tax the big banks and the rich so key workers can get renumerated properly in a cost of living crisis.

Now you need to have a word with DH. He can't go on expensive weekends away and concerts when finances are so dire. He also needs to help more. If he isn't good with the kids can he do DIY, declutter and keep the house clean and tidy on his day off. One way to deal with too little room is to be very disciplined about accumulating stuff and keep a very tight ship about were things go and keep the house in good repair. That must be his job.

I would then get creative with some of your DCs request. If she wants a sleepover could she maybe be allowed to have a sleepover once every six months at the weekend where she and friend sleep in master bedroom and you sleep in the box room and DH in lounge? On a very rare occasion that might work if you don't have to go to work the next day. It's great that they have friends when they struggle with MH issues. That's a really good sign and hopefully will help keep them in school.

It's really tough what you have to juggle but you absolutely must focus on the things you can control and let go of the rest. Your DH needs to step up though - not by doing a Masters but by being an equally responsible adult for the running of the household.

We live in an appartment that's 90 m2. Our 2 teenagers have their own rooms and so do we. Tiny kitchen but large outdoor balcony and lounge. I think we are fine so no need to feel sorry for us.

OP I hear your frustration and understand it. As others have said, I suspect the reason the size of the house is getting to you is because (as with other parts of your life) you’re the only one in charge of running it.

I have SEND kids too and I am absolutely the primary parent on all of their needs, I understand the weight of what you’re carrying.

First, can you get rid of a lot of the objects in your home? Clutter is what makes a house feel small, rather than the actual size. I suspect you’re drowning in stuff which makes you feel overwhelmed when you’re already at your limit. Start to get really honest with yourself about wha you actually use every week. If you don’t use it, get rid. Do you have loft? Eaves cupboards? Pack away off season clothes so you don’t have cramped wardrobes and bedrooms etc. Getrid of most of you kitchen equipment (bed you’re only using the same 5 objects) etc etc etc

Re: disability living allowance - please make a claim for your kids. It’s not income dependent at all. It is to pay for the costs of supporting a child with disabilities - the extra OT, therapies and to make up some of the income lost to you becuse you’re supporting a child who needs many more hours of parenting than the usual.

It is not on an income basis but allocated on basis of the child’s needs. There are various rates. You need to describe your child on their worst day - how much practical intervention they need and how much this is costing you. This isn’t going to get you a new house but it might give you financial breathing space r and also help your work for your ND children feel recognised.

Finaly, please go to therapy. It will be worth the investment. You need some support. A good therapist is support for you.

This. The whole point of DLA is that it covers the additional cost of having a disability. You have missed out on potentially thousands and thousands of pounds that could have gone towards your children’s home or living costs.

There is a website called benefits and work which even does guides on how to fill the form in. It costs £20 a year but is worth it. We’ve been claiming since our autistic child was three and it’s in an account for when he needs it/we buy a home.

There’s no honour in not claiming, we all pay into the welfare state, that’s what it’s there for. I can’t imagine a better use of my taxes really than in supporting the mental health and stability of two disabled children of NHS workers. Please claim.

I was wondering what that size actually meant so looked up an example and loads of terraces in London are about that size. I know, because I lived in one! Lots of people on our street had children; they sometimes did loft extensions, but often didn’t.
Ours was a two-bed because the bathroom was upstairs in the third bedroom. That is £625k by the way, in west London.
Lots of people were pretty happy to live in these houses because of the location.

I have a huge amount of sympathy but generally agree the bigger problem is your dh. I do agree your house may feel cramped but it is do-able and we were very happy.

I was the younger dd in a home that was 87.3m sq as a child (I just looked it up on Zoopla!) but we did have a shed and a garage which helped. I played the violin - I was good, so it was a few hours of practice several days a week and THAT couldn’t happen in the box bedroom. My older db was a gamer so he mostly lived in his larger bedroom, playing darts noisily or on his computer. We had a tiny living room with a TV and a separate dining room/office area which, hilariously, my mum fit a small sized pool table into for the duration of my db’s teenage years!

And we were ALL avid readers so the house was full of bookshelves.

As a hopeful tween I encouraged mum and dad to move house and they seriously looked, but in the end it was unaffordable. I just thought dad was being a stick in the mud.

He did amazing things to make our living space work well - he did amazing woodwork class and by the time I left home the house was filled with items he had designed and built specifically to solve OUR problems in our space. No MFI for us!

And that’s how we had a happy life. If your dh hadn’t checked out, you’d be happy too.

I’m so sorry life is so tough for you at the moment. You sound like a hard working and caring person run ragged by things you cannot control. Would a role reversal help i.e. you work full time and DH goes part time and deals with the kids? Could you potentially earn more and get promoted? Realistically how many more years do you think the kids are going to be living at home? If only a few it’s probably worth battling through, if much longer then perhaps looking for a larger house in a less affluent area could be a solution. Good luck.

Get DLA for both children. Potentially several hundred each per month. Plus you then may find out you qualify for universal credit due to disabled/carer element (you will be classed as a carer for universal credit purposes even though you won’t get carers allowance due to your salary). Both my children got high rate as severe ND even though high functioning. Get advice before applying for DLA, it’s a minefield, but definitely worth it as it’s the gateway to so much other help and support.