AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Your husband sounds mean and rather useless. Maybe get rid of him and enjoy more space.

This is a tough one. Could you not move to a bigger house in a cheaper area? Sounds like space is more of a priority than location

Because she is already a f*king hero and it’s ridiculous that more time away from her family should be the solution to this.

Our apartment is 85 sqm for 4 people and it's fine. Yes, you have to make sure you don't accumulate too much stuff, and I often feel slightly envious of friends & acquaintances with more space - but at the end of the day a house is a house and if you're creative with storage and layout it can feel bigger than it really is.

A schoolfriend of my daughter's comes from an African migrant background. She lives in a high rise block in an apartment smaller than ours but with her 4 siblings, mother, mother's sister and 2 cousins. I try to think about this more than about what I haven't got.

You must be delusional to think 3 bed 85 sq m house is tiny.

i know families that live in flats that are around 60 sq m with 2 beds and are happy.

my own house is 100 sq m and I’m content with the size (household income is disproportionate to the size of the house but we live in a nice area in London)

Look I have a friend who literally grew up in a 16 bedroomed mansion and she hated it.
Her family all had their own suite of rooms and hardly interacted, she describes it as very lonely.
She could afford a huge house now but lives with her own DC and DH in a normal sized house so they all have to spend time together.

Edited as I've now read your replies.

Your husband is fucking useless farher and a really crappy parent.

He couldn't give her her medication and he's a paramedic? Yeah I wouldn't want him if I'd eaten a peanut and was having a reaction.

You have to struggle with the kids till after 9pm but he's getting coffee meet ups and gym sessions?

Just bin him off and you'll have a lot more room. Could move somewhere cheaper. No idea where in the country you are but I moved 250 miles away up to c.durham and you can get really nice 4 beds for 160k. You'd probably get dla and be entitled to uc

Your DH is likely ND - sounds like it to me.

get yourself DLA for both your kids. You are entitled that will help you massively.

I can sort of understand the feeling bad when you see others with massive places...I remember feeling like that at times too. I'm a B6 RN with 2DC (mine are 20 and 13)...also living in a v small 3 bed semi (one normal size room and two box rooms upstairs, and a v small kitchen, bathroom and sitting room downstairs...no hallway!). I work FT and am a single parent. House is rented (I can't afford to buy). We live in the SE, and I've stayed in this area as I've worked in the same Trust for the best part of 3 decades, and for the DCs schooling (very good schools). My only sibling also lives close by (our parents are deceased, so good to have some family about). I'm the lowest earner in my family (out of siblings, uncles, aunts etc).

Most of my DCs friends have larger and more swanky places. Like I said, I used to get a bit down about things but then gave myself a talking to: this place is small, but I can afford it on my own. I can pay the utilities, there's food in the cupboards, I'm healthy enough to be able to work FT in a very acute setting. My small house can be kept warm in the winter. I can afford to treat the DC on occasions and I can take us away on holiday (luckily, we enjoy camping!). We have a lot more than many do.

Also....I remind myself that chose my career (initially one professional career in the NHS and then retraining as a nurse), no one forced me into it. Nearly 3 decades back when I was getting in to uni, perhaps COL etc meant an NHS FT wage went a bit further, but it was never going to be a massive money spinner. Would I have gone down this career path knowing what I know now? I don't know. I don't know where you work, but for us these days, if I work a bank shift at my hospital, I would get paid £15/hr gross (def not a B6 wage!)....and no doubt with expectation that I work as a B6!! I'm exploring other roles or additional things that I can do to increase my income - maybe bank/agency at other places, or events medicine/nursing.

I can promise you that the DC's friends aren't going to be fussed about the size of the house: I normally have a house full of kids visiting (some of DCs friends really do live in mansions!). Sleepovers are normally on the living room floor....or you can just about wedge a camping SIM on the floor in each DC's bedroom. In the summer, they can put a tent up in the garden and camp in there. We all just muck in really, budge up and make room for people. The people who matter aren't going to look down on you...and as for the ones who do? Well, sod them!

Focussing on other things though...WTF is going on with regard to your DH and his weaponised incompetence?! A paramedic not giving his own DC correct medication?! Sod the situ with the house, it sounds like there's more important things to address re: the imbalances with you/DH!

Another one here who says you should try for DLA. You do not need to be on universal credit to get it. It is based on the needs of the children,

Not sure if someone has said this already, but DLA/PIP isn’t means tested

@Miseramble you meed to claim DLA, this is for your children, but can be used to make the home better, so would cover getting someone to do the DIY. You've missed out on years of money which could have made a difference. Your children could have savings to help when they are adults. Stop moaning, accept what you can't change and do what you can to change things.

You could write down all of the outgoing from mortgage to loorolls and everything inbetween including children clubs with both your wages going into the pot and then dividing the rest. As you said DH goes off on expensive weekends you should have the same amount of money to spend, as you are looking after the children..With your share you could spend it on yourself as you sound you need help to see life in a different light or having a DYIer come and do the jobs you want done.

Your husband is useless as a partner and a father. Do the sums on where you would be with CMS, UC and your salary. And then leave the dickhead.

Working till 9pm four nights a week so he gets Mondays to swan around goes down as one of the most arsehole things I’ve ever heard.

DLA!!!!

The key to happiness is finding peace with your current situation. Be grateful for what you have and make the most of it. If possible declutter to make enough room.

My kids are 6 and 9 and always thought our house was small. Having seen my mums and sister’s homes which are absolutely massive. Recently my daughter had a few friends over for a play date and her friends could not get over our house! They kept calling it a mansion and saying it was massive. My kids were so confused. They couldn’t believe that anyone thought our house was big! We live in a 5 bed room plus study, reading room, detached house with a reasonable size garden. But my parents house and sister’s house are 5 times the size of mine and both of them have 2 acres of land. So in comparison we have the tiniest house. So there is always someone with more and someone with less. Be grateful and do your best. And someday may be you will win the lottery! 😁

Are you for real?

You are kidding right?! That is around 900 sq ft, which is tiny. We have 2200 sq ft with a family of 4. And hope to have more space when the kids get bigger. Can’t imagine 4 adults in 900 sq!

True story that! The problem with kids these days not getting a perspective on how the other half lives! They live such sheltered protected lives. Not like us, having seen abject poverty growing up in Asia that we understand how lucky we are and truly value hard work, a good education and a good work ethic.

And I agree, 85 square metres (not 85 squares!) is a very small house. We lived in a 92 sqm house with two small children and it was bearable because they shared a room (with an 30cm gap between toddler beds) and the third tiny bedroom was a play area.

We couldn’t fit 4 adults in the lounge room as it only fit a 2 seater couch and a chair (no coffee table even).

The courtyard was the size of a small bedroom and had the washing machine and dryer in a shed anyway as they didn’t fit in the house.

The bathroom was the size of a powder room with the walls closing in on you in the shower and nowhere to put toiletries as it didn’t fit a full vanity but only a standalone small sink.

The eat in kitchen had the table up against the wall that we would pull out when the four of us ate together otherwise it blocked entry to the kitchen. No dishwasher as nowhere to put it…. Hardly any cupboard space. Couldn’t buy any kitchen appliances like an air fryer that would have made life easier as nowhere to put them.

Tiny.

We moved before our eldest started school. Life became much less stressful and to be honest more harmonious.

We have a 75-ish sqm (incl conservatory) 3-bed house. Tiny garden. Our neighbour (same house, just end of terrace so tiny bit of extra garden, but no conservatory) lived in hers with three children (two year gap between the eldest, then five year gap to the youngest) until the eldest went to uni. Two are very happy adults now, the third is on his way.

I grew up in a two-bed flat, about 60sqm, where my mother slept in the lounge so we could have our own rooms. I later was at my grandmother’s a lot and didn’t even have a bedroom in her flat.

When your kids have grown up, they will remember a loving childhood, that they felt safe with you, that you supported them. I think it’s quite normal to see what others have (not excluding myself - everyone seems to have bigger houses, more and better holidays…), but in the end you are providing what you can, and they will appreciate this.

There's only one house that is the biggest in the world. Everyone else lives in a smaller house. I would rather live in a small place and be happy and have parents that loved me than live in a large house and be unhappy with a dysfunctional family.

Agree with this.drop looking at others’ homes on rightmove, that’s bonkers. I bet there’s other families locally who are worse off than you, you just don’t know about them

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0032428?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

We live in a tiny house (nurse) that we cant afford to decorate… kitchen is honestly an embarrassment.

We live in an extremely affluent area- mahoosive houses, one of the kids friends turned up to prom in a helicopter 🙄

I am embarrassed.

However our 18 and 20 year old never were.

We have ALWAYS had a steady stream of young people take over our lounge in an evening ( me and DH would have to come up to the bedroom as there is literally nowhere else for us to sit) .
There friends loved coming to our home.
I will never know why - but they do .

We can only ever do our best.

Do not feel ashamed of the stability and love you give your children.

I work with a lot of complex trauma stemming from childhood and believe me when i say i wish i could bottle what you are providing for your kids and dish it out freely.
Do not underestimate the power of your parenting .