AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but we live in a 6 bed detached with a massive garden and my DS15 won't invite his friends around either.

You have my dream job! I'm back at college doing an access course hoping to do midwifery.

Stop looking at what other people have. Someone is looking at you and wishing they had what you have.

How as an educated professional have you not applied for DLA for both of the kids? And if either or both get at least mid rate there’s the chance you’d also be eligible for UC due to carer element (not allowance) and disabled child element.

So dramatic 85sqm is not a small house. The NHS hasn't had a 10 year pay freeze.

I feel for you, I get it. My family home wasn't just as small but a good few of my friends had huge houses. Nowadays, my friends all have the same size homes however we rent. I always wanted to own a home before having kids but now with toddler and nursery fees and cost of living/wage stagnation it seems further out of reach than ever. It's a constant source of stress and anxiety but I'm doing my best. As are you!

It does sound a rubbish situation.

But I agree with pps, it sounds like your husband is a much bigger problem than the house. He sounds useless - not the not wanting promotion which I guess is his choice, but the way he is with the kids.

It would drive me mad with resentment and frustration to have someone like that under the same roof as me - just ignoring the kids needs and tending to himself alone. And shouting at them is awful.

You might find yourself alot better off both financially and in terms of MH if you divorced. A small house might feel much bigger without a hopeless man in it. Edit - this might be why you feel the house is so small when it isn’t really - it could be his presence making it feel that way! Even when he’s not physically there.

The house doesn’t sound a huge problem tbh - and living in a nice area has its own benefits.

Edit. - I do agree that what has happened to NHS and wider public sector pay during the COL is terrible though

Have you consulted a mortgage adviser to ensure that you can't do anything about this? Often you can have a perception that you can't afford to move and it might not be correct. Have you looked at moving to an up and coming area where you will get more for your money, maybe the next village say, and you are likely to be able to see your house price rise as the area improves?
Could you get more money as a community midwife? Doula?

Realistically you both have jobs that are super high pressured (my cousin is a midwife) so it seems like neither of you have capacity for coping with how full on life is with supporting the kids. Could you DC work as a paramedic in gp surgery for the same or better money? It would be better hours. He'd be around more.

Are you claiming all relevant benefits, even if just child benefit?
If none of this works all i can say is that at least you live in a beautiful area with access to countryside. Take the pluses. Focus on them.

I've read that you have a three bedroom house and a garden. Honestly it sounds like a first world problem. People are out here struggling to even get a roof over their heads. Whilst I understand the frustration in wanting to upgrade and the children comparing their friends houses, isn't that what we all want? Instead we need to be grateful for what we do have - a home in a nice area, food, heating, a family etc. all whilst you are both doing very valuable jobs.

Yes at least OP has a home.

I'll admit up-front that I didn't read your whole post, partly because of the length, without paragraph breaks, and partly because there are references I don't understand.

But I suspect my reply would be the same: You are making the problem worse by your outlook, and I'm guessing you may be infecting your children with the same embarrassment.

There is no reason to be embarrassed about being short-changed in unexpected economic problems. If you can't change your home, change your attitude. A long time ago, I bought an apartment where I was unhappy that the main large picture-window looked out across the way to some dilapidated old buildings with rusted outdoor stairways, which I found depressing. And I made some apologetic comment to a contractor one day, and she laughed and said, "Are you kidding? In New Orleans you'd have to pay extra for a quaint charming view like that!" And I immediate felt better, and felt better ever since.

So maybe you can try to contrive something similar, like "Aren't we lucky to have found a smaller affordable house in this gorgeous, expensive neighborhood?" No one as conscientious and hard-working as you should feel embarrassed. You might feel wistful or disappointed - but not embarrassed. Personally, I think it's good experience to be casual and matter-of-fact around people with more wealth or prestige. Of course, maybe I think that because I've often been in that position! But your kids should learn that money isn't everything.

Good luck.

Just a thought but could you look into setting up a side hustle business - as far as I know as a midwife you could prescribe botox which would be very lucrative.

Maybe see a solicitor and see how you would be find he left? Well if you left him. What does he bring?
that’s awful not giving her the medication not even once!

Why would you want to share a bed with a useless selfish shit dad piece of crap?

OP, I was always stressed about our 87 square metre home. My DH was selfish, moody, lazy like yours, even did the same 4-day week trick like yours. After I finally divorced our home has never felt small, it feels luxurious for the 3 of us. Give it some thought because you are basically a single parent already.

DLA isn't means tested, assuming the children would qualify for middle care, low mobility, that's £428 for each child every 4 weeks. You would probably have UC entitlement with 2 x disabled child and 2 x caring elements.

Having two children is a choice, it is not family planning, it is the opposite. It is family choosing. I'm not saying people can't have 2 children, not at all, I'm suggesting they need to think about the expense. And if they choose it, accept their choice will be expensive.

Then bunk beds. Or a high riser and a double and sleepover share the bed

Of course, they could and OP always wanted to but has chosen to put her children first as so many of us do, and I imagine moving would be deeply disruptive to her ND children too. My original point being there is something deeply wrong with a country that counts on key service workers to uphold a healthy working population but then freezes pay during a cost of living crisis.

Try not to compare. Our house was small and crowded, and at times I felt like that. You also don't know how much others have extended themselves. My children left home a few years ago, so it was my husband and I, and now just me. They don't ever regret growing up in a small house and appreciated us as a family. They get it, and so will yours.

is there any way your DH could work in private healthcare and increase his salary? Or could you in your 25 hours? I know it might go against your morals but you deserve a break

Honestly there’s more to life than a big house. Ours is probably bigger than yours but still only a 3 bed semi, 3rd a box room, 1 bathroom , small garden and while I’ve got a good job I’ve never really been able to maximise my earning potential because although my husband doesn’t earn much, he works crap unsocial hours. I used to feel bad and sometimes still do as there’s not masses of space for the kids to have friends round. But you know what we are now in our early 50s, no mortgage, and the kids now 18 and 20 have told me they love our house. It may not be much but it’s security and home. I think you’re a bit mean on your husband too. His job sounds as hard as yours.

Why is it on him to do a masters on top of a full-time stressful job? Why can't he go part-time look after the kids while you go full time and do further training to move up the ladder? Or retrain as a nurse where there's more opportunities to grow?

Relate to this a lot! We are in same boat - work in education sector, pay freezes, small 2-bed terrace that we thought we'd live in for 5 years 15 years ago. Kid has noticed we have smallest house of his class! But I'm trying to appreciate what we have, minimise clutter, be clever with storage. I look for social media accounts that celebrate making the most of small spaces. At least it's cheap to heat and I can clean it in an afternoon. I try to remind myself that friends in bigger houses are often up to their eyes in mortgage payments.

Is 85square feet that small? Just asking because that how big my house is! Does the square footage include stairs? The only houses around me that the third bedroom isn’t a box room are the four bedrooms and the fourth is a box room!
But you really have a DH problem!

My house is only 91sq m. Yes it has a galley kitchen and box bedroom, but it’s perfectly do-able. Thought you were going to say 60sqm!!

Hi OP, we live in an 80m sq house in a nice area, and all our local friends have big 4 bed houses! I bought this house when it was just mean to be for me. Circumstances mean it’s now 3 of us - one a toddler - so not exactly like you, but I understand your distress. (We’re on ok money but are not young and my job is not secure, so we are staying put.)

Once I accepted we were staying here, I focused on making the most of the space.

For us that meant: Dedicated entrance area made with rug and slim shoe storage. Smaller furniture. Relentless decluttering. Maximising every inch of storage space.

I had fun doing this on a budget and on Facebook marketplace.

I know it won’t solve all your problems, but it really helped us!