AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I looked what 85 sq m cost in my town - 650 k starting price. Where do you live, OP

we have a tiny house (I opted for tiny house in really lovely area rather than the opposite) and my DD mentions it frequently. But I just don’t get involved at all, I don’t agree with any of it.
i don't even try and convince her. We are healthy, have a house, a car, each ahve our own room (there’s only 2 of us though🤣) and we have the most amazing life full of fun, laughter and good health.

I do sometimes (after she describes all her friends BIG houses for the 867th time) get a bit prickly and remind her that this is a new thing and that I shared bunk beds in a box room as a kid! And there’s always people worse off!

Problem is, kids always compare with what they don’t have! They grow out of it though!

Your feelings are valid but your feelings are in my opinion skewed by living in a fairly afluent area. Please remember that your children may have smaller homes than their friends but they also have a lot to be thankful for. Just as a gentle reality check. In the UK:

• 1/20 kids have a parent die while they are under 16. (so having 2 parents who love them still around is awesome)
• 1/4 families struggle to buy enough food.
• The average house size in the south of England is 81m2

I personally think it’s good for teenagers to understand that some people have more money/ house etc and some people have less but that doesn’t affect their worth as a person. I would strongly suggest that you lead by example and try not to attach your worth to the size of your home. You are clearly a wonderful mum and have built your life in a way that has given them
what they needed most which was your time and attention, not bigger bedrooms. They are very lucky to have you.

As an aside as a teenager I had some friends who had million pound houses and others that lived in humble homes, I was happy to be invited to any of them. We did a lot of sleepovers as a friendship group and only ever slept on the floor of the living room.

Our house is a similar size with the 3rd bedroom a box room. We had 4dc and I can't tell you how big the house felt after the eldest two left home! My youngest are both ND, ds has autism and dd3 has AuDHD. Dd3 has just gone to university and we're practically rattling in it now. Not so much when we have the 4gc and 4dc back with 2dh.

This isn't a house problem. really this is a dysfunctional household problem

A useless DH with an alcohol problem
And you doing it all being run ragged because he is useless

I would start with some counseling through your work if possible for yourself

I am really jealous of your home it’s my dream home (can’t sell my tiny flat! Dream of a garden!) you are both doing lovely jobs helping people and should feel proud

I have two ND teenagers who do not get along and can't be in the same space without arguing, so I get the space issue, but I voted you're being unreasonable because most kids are not going to be judging your house and nor should you bother comparing to other people. Then after reading your thread, it feels like you're only comparing because you are unhappy in your own life at the moment and it stretches far beyond wanting a bigger house - you sound like you've hit burnout.
When was the last time you sat down with DH and really discussed how you were both feeling? It sounds like you are both struggling and it is really easy, when you're struggling yourself, to not notice the signs that the other is also struggling. Maybe if you sit and really talk to each other, you can find ways to help each other out.
As for working when you have children with EBSA, it's really difficult. I felt like such a failure when not only did I fail to get my daughter to school anywhere near on time, but I would then be late to work because of it. It's not just the turning up late either, it's the amount of stress with the meltdowns and getting them to school and then stressing about work/after school/next day etc. I'm lucky to have a really supportive workplace, but I'm guessing the NHS aren't particularly understanding. If you get paid sick leave, I'd consider getting signed off for a few weeks to try and have a bit of a reset.

I agree.

And don't let your dd nagging for an extension get you down or make you feel lesser. You're a midwife and your husband is a paramedic. Society couldn't function without you and your incredible skills. I'd be saying that in no uncertain terms to your children- you're in a small house because society values bullshit jobs over ones that matter.

ps we also lived in a small 3 bed with a box room and felt cramped with the 4 of us, but we had neighbours with the same size house with 7 kids which did help to put it into perspective.

I do have a useless dh (now ex but still living here not working) so I sympathise with you there.

One of my sil's comes from an extremely rich family with homes all around the world. Dd2 didn't feel embarrassed bringing him home.

You need to be claiming DLA for both children it's not means tested. Make that a priority.

Don’t feel bad, many of us are stuck in the same situation. Ruinous house prices plus stagnant wages is a recipe for disaster. Add in ND children who need extra support, mental illness and there you have it.

Our house is a bit bigger but not much- not a “family home” and badly knocked about internally by a previous owner. The “garden” is a tiny paved yard. We bought it because it was what we could afford, in the catchment for v good schools and a good location, but we’ve seriously outgrown it. Don’t see how we can move without doubling our mortgage and we really can’t afford it.

We try and be out as much as we can all day and in to the late afternoon/evening in summer. We make the most of nearby parks and proximity to the countryside so DC don’t suffer from lack of garden.

If you have a local library I suggest joining that so you have a free wet weather option indoors when it’s bad weather, and otherwise spend lots of time outdoors. IKEA for furniture that takes up minimal space.

The situation you describe is really tough. You both contribute by doing socially worthwhile jobs and should not be struggling like this.

Capitalism exploits the working class and uses propaganda to make them feel they are not doing enough to survive. The UK is the 6th richest country in the world and has enough money to offer everyone a dignified existence.

Join a fighting trade union and look into Socialism. It may not improve your material conditions strait away but it’ll hopefully make you feel less alone as the system is at fault, not you. It helps me anyway.

If your children’s needs are so significant then I’m very surprised no one has ever signposted you to apply for benefits for them. I’m surprised both you and your DH, given your job roles, aren’t aware of what’s available.

You have a DH problem.

Realistically, you need to work out what is most important to you here. Would moving actually solve a lot of the issues you have or are you just clinging on to it?

Can't fit a double bed in the box room.
It is a BOX room.

I’ve just looked at what an 85 square metre house actually is and YABVU. Whilst I understand it must be difficult with 2 children with additional needs, your house is not tiny at all. Your daughter’s box room I understand could be an issue for sleepovers but just let them sleep downstairs for the night. I had the box room growing up in a house much smaller than 85 square metres. The issue is your lazy husband, you being completely worn out by being a married single parent and living in an area where it is easy to compare to others so you’ve forgotten you’re actually in a decent sized house.

Completely agree with all those saying sleepovers can just take place in the lounge! That’s what happened among my DC and their friends.

Can you move to a cheaper area, you both have careers that can transfer, if your DC barely go to school where you are perhaps a new area would help everybody

I think from what you've said of your situation that you'd be entitled to some kind of benefits - you were quite dismissive when someone asked this earlier, I suggest having a look into it

It sounds like you have many issues and I think you'd find that living in a bigger house might smooth out some annoying things but overall wouldn't make a big difference

You've acknowledged the husband issue, it sounds like aside from leaving him there isn't much that can be done there as it sounds like he's totally checked out

So I'd say 1. Focus on what you CAN change (eg, sleepovers in the living room, I used to do this), layout and storage, and 2. Work on your mindset. Of course many houses would feel small compared to a 4 bed detached, but as others have said you own your own home and many homes are smaller

I live in a house that opens straight into the living room, I was really against it but it ended up being the best choice overall so we moved here anyway. We've designated a 'hall' which is clearly zoned with a rug and the way we've placed the furniture. Are there any things like this you can do, and look up space saving tricks on tiktok to make the space work better for you. Sort Your Life Out has good advice on things like that!

I know that's all really hard when you're already at capacity but something has to give. Good luck

Apply for DLA for both children ASAP.

We had a high sleeper in ours - picked up the frame from FBMP - already had the mattress. Made a real difference. You could get a blow up single mattress for beneath it for sleepovers.

Also if the older son refuses to have friends over then give him the box room and your DD the bigger room for her friends and sleep overs.

We live in an apartment that’s 86m2. DH, me and two teenage boys 18 and 15. We’ve been here for 18 years and live in a really expensive area and yes some of the boys friends have grown up in ‘palaces’ according to DS2. We’re don’t have a garden, just communal areas. We’re not in the UK, we are in France where it’s quite normal to live in an apartment. We only have two bedrooms, which we’ve given to the boys - DH and I sleep in an alcove off the living room. It’s not ideal but it’s fine and we’ve no desire to move - we’re renting and could never afford to buy here.

but it works because my DH is a star. Always as involved with the boys as I was. Change home from work every day and took them straight out to the park to give me a break. Worked in a job that he really didn’t enjoy, to supper his family. Taught them how to swim, to draw, to ride a bike.

My children have a safe, warm, comfortable home. Their own beds, desks, clothes, books. Clean water in the taps, light and heat on demand, food and laundry and security and safety and love and attention. Two parents that adore them. They already have more advantages than 99% of children in the world, and they should be bloody grateful for that. I know I am.

85sqm is not a small house. My grandparents raised 6 children in a house with 1 single room and a kitchen. I know that it's not comparable but what I will say, you only feel that way because you compare yourself to the others in your area. And I also know that saying stop comparing yourself won't stop you doing that. But what you can do is, make your home cosy and different. Feel it with love and attention and I'm sure you will feel better.good luck

This sounds really hard OP. Sending lots of solidarity.

What is keeping you in this expensive area? Could a move somewhere cheaper that cut your mortgage help, or are the children too far down the exam track to move schools?

Could you do eg 30 hours a week rather than 40 just to get a bit of financial buffer? I empathise with your husband not wanting to do a masters - study on top of FT work and parenting is too much. Don’t get bitter with him for that.

Please don’t worry about everyone else’s bigger houses. They do them, you do you. They probably don’t have worthwhile jobs that they get to do for 25 hours a week!