AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Hi, I may be judged for this but I don’t care other people’s opinions of me online that don’t know my circumstances. Myself and Husband have 2 Sen children with ASD / ADHD and my husband is the main breadwinner and I was working part time around the children. DS needs were not being met by his school, we were going through the appeal process to get specialist named on his EHCP and I was constantly being called out of work to collect him from his school because he couldn’t cope and eventually he was a complete school refusal. I had no option but to give up work.
i don’t know your household income but you would be entitled to claim carers allowance, if you claim UC, even a tiny bit you will qualify for the top up disability element and that’s a few £100 a month and you can apply for DLA for each of your SEN children which again is a few £100 a month. The DLA for the children has nothing to do with your household income either, it goes on their needs.
it could bring some much needed income in to you home for now and take some stress off you until things change.
You say their is no room to extend but have you thought about upwards into an attic conversion

DLA is not means tested, its goes on your child’s needs only and is there because raising children with additional needs is more expensive/parents can’t always work full time. We were told to apply for it by other SEND parents and the SENCo wrote a letter of support for our application.

You probably are able to claim it.

Hi, I may be judged for this but I don’t care other people’s opinions of me online that don’t know my circumstances. Myself and Husband have 2 Sen children with ASD / ADHD and my husband is the main breadwinner and I was working part time around the children. DS needs were not being met by his school, we were going through the appeal process to get specialist named on his EHCP and I was constantly being called out of work to collect him from his school because he couldn’t cope and eventually he was a complete school refusal. I had no option but to give up work.
i don’t know your household income but you would be entitled to claim carers allowance, if you claim UC, even a tiny bit you will qualify for the top up disability element and that’s a few £100 a month and you can apply for DLA for each of your SEN children which again is a few £100 a month. The DLA for the children has nothing to do with your household income either, it goes on their needs.
it could bring some much needed income in to you home for now and take some stress off you until things change.
You say their is no room to extend but have you thought about upwards into an attic conversion

No, you have a useless husband. If he was looking after the admin, children and doing the house up you could have moved. On the 3 days he doesn’t work he can’t help the children with anything you have a 100% a husband problem. He’s looking after number 1 - himself. Glued to his phone with a beer in hand. Long 3 day weekend - nice for him.

@YttBith parents here could get a living wage if they both worked full time and lived in a cheaper area where money goes further. Loads of families don’t have a big 3rd bedroom and have a poky hallway.

OP you need to make a DLA application immediately. Call them up to ask for forms because then it will be back dated to the day of the call. Do you provide significant night time care to your children? This can be multiple wake ups etc. this will increase the rate you get if you have to provide day and night time support more than would be typical for a child of their age. You do one application per child. Our DLA is the one thing that keeps us afloat and for me works out as an extra days work a week in payments. It is not means tested either. Look at Autism Outloud Coach on instagram, she has great tips for the application.

Most people don't own huge four-bedroom detached houses.

op people I know in similar situations moved to a less nice area for more space, but it really depends on how that looks and travel to school etc.
you have a LOT on and the economy is hard. You have nothing to be embarrassed about!
we are in a housing crisis. In years to come most families will live in flats. Please be proud of all you have managed to achieve with your children. You have an enormous mental load. Also you should be very proud of your jobs.

There are some online accounts for people making space work in smaller houses which can be fun.

I think YABU. I just had a look how big my childhood home is and its 85m2, I wouldnt have said that was a tiny house. Its a completely normal 3 bed. I never once remember feeling embarrassed about bringing friends home to a 3 bed house or feeling jealous of friends with 4 beds.

Your dc are old enough to understand some people have more money and so bigger houses. You dont need to exhaust yourself by working more hours to have a bigger house or drain either of your mental health, you need to stop comparing yourself with others. You live in a completely normal sized house

You obviously do have spare money if your dh is having weekends away and festivals. Once again he sounds like the problem

Same issue just roles reversed. Are you trying to make a point?

Move out of the affluent neughbourhood

OP, the main thing that will help you financially right now is to apply for DLA/PiP for both your kids. Ask for advice on here if you need it. I didn’t know about this benefit for years but it made a huge difference once my son had it.

The second thing, as others have said, is to sort out your DH problem. I’m not one for the old LTB refrain, but can you sit him down and spell out how angry and exhausted you are. I get that he works hard in a stressful job but that does not mean he gets to check out while you wear yourself out. It may mean that you split if he genuinely is not prepared to be more present and helpful.

Why are you not claiming dla??? We are high income and still get it. Is extremely useful!

Oh wow I feel you, I live in a very affluent area, full of large houses and rich families but we have the smallest house. My daughter’s friends all have lovely large homes, ours is modest. It is also veryyyy expensive for this tiny house. I moan about it now and again, wish I could have bigger. We have 2 bedrooms and need 3 as my kids are opposite gender and don’t want to share. It’s hard. I hate it. But, I have to keep myself grounded sometimes and be thankful I have this house, my kids have a safe home, it’s small but has everything they need in it. Will they really grow as adults and look back and think they really wished they lived in a big house? I’m not so sure. I lived in a modest 3 bed as a child and teen and never had those thoughts as an adult. I was embarrassed by my childhood home as it was smaller than my friends but I look back and realise how ridiculous it is to care.

any option of remortgaging and extension? Loft? Build a porch?

We were in a similar position 10 years ago and have the same SEN challenges.
Honestly, right now your priority is keeping a roof over your head whilst you navigate through this chapter of supporting your children. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you need to stop giving yourself a hard time.

What matters is how you make that house a home. Smaller means cosier in my opinion. I look back on our tiny house and the years we spent there and feel so much nostalgia, even though back then, I had the same frustrations you do.

Your kids ask questions now, but when they're older, they are going to look back and be amazed at how you juggled everything to give them a safe space whilst trying to work but also meet their needs.

My son was very much like yours, very embarrassed about our tiny house and refused to invite friends around. That never actually changed when we moved to a larger 3 bed detached. He still thought it was too small compared to his friends. He's 20 now, working his first job and we often talk about our little house with nothing but warmth because we only remember the good memories. All that frustration dissipated.

Please be kinder to yourself. You are doing your best Xx

You have enough bedrooms for all of you. Kids do not have to share. It s not a tiny house that would be under 50m2. And flats in cities are often much smaller than 85m2 for a family. So focus on living with what you have. Claim dla/PIP if they cannot be left alone. Be positive about your house and its location and dont let them or you focus on bigger houses as being a solution.
Just because others have bigger houses should not be your focus if you actually likethe house and location..
Maybe get some sessions with a counsellor to talk through all the bigger picture. It sounds like you are overwhelmed but a bigger house conjured up by magic is not going to happen is it ? and moving is stressful and costly.
Focus on getting support for your dc . Sit with dh and a neutral third party like a counsellor to find solutions and a way forward.

I raised my three in a small house. I used to worry too about them missing out or being embarrassed. Especially when, as teens do, they'd use it as something to moan about. Funny thing is, two of the three have deliberately chosen small homes of their own, in much the sane style, despite having options. Because they're cosier and it makes no sense to be wasting money on extra rooms when they could be enjoying life, apparantly.
My point, kids moan and get embarrassed. But, one, it's tough, you can't have everything you want. And two, when they grow out of the moany phase, they may see another perspective.

I love this approach. I was raised in a large, cold Council House with only a few rooms with carpets. We had the space but it was grim really. I now live in our own home with my family & it's small, warm & cosy and I never take it for granted. I'm not minimising how you feel OP but I think reminding your children they live in a home you own & having a mum who is always around for them is so precious.

I read half of this and thought "is this my husband posting". Extremely similar feelings and situation, even down to having the same jobs. Sadly I have no answer but completely understand your feelings. I am finding myself more and more frustrated that having 2 NHS jobs, qualified professionals and give our all to others all day, every day that we can't afford better living conditions. Sending love

@Miseramble "We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens."

My house is the same, 85m2. Including a porch area which is just storage, 6ft x 12ft, useful but not living space. My kitchen is 11ft x 10ft, only a bit bigger than yours, - and the biggest kitchen I've had in my whole life! Nowhere close to 'miniscule'.

I agree it's not ideal for a family of four, but it sounds more like your unhappiness isn't because of the house, but your resentment of your DH and comparing yourself to neighbours with bigger houses. We'd all love a bigger house and more money, not just you, but it's possible to be happily cosy in a small house and count your blessings. You have a house! You have a garden! You live in a lovely area!

Your entitled to claim Dla though even without a diagnosis

I can sympathise , having also made the choice of a tiny home in a lovely area. (Could have written that description myself, and like you have 2 teens) But… I’ve always known there is the option of moving to a less affluent area in exchange for a bigger house. Maybe sound out the teenagers views on whether they would go for that? Other than that you are not being unreasonable and you are definitely not alone . I hope things improve .

I'm not unsympathetic, but I think it is unreasonable to fixate on the size of your house. You're only damaging yourself and your relationship with your husband by doing that. There will always be people wealthier who have nicer things, including houses, but there's an awful lot of people, even in this country, that don't have a home to call their own at all or are living with multiple people in a room. Small or not your kids do have their own bedrooms if I've understood you properly. And it's not the worst thing in the world not to be able to put your shoes on in the hall. As for the kids not wanting to have friends around, well .... they're teenagers, they'll always find something about you or their home situation to be embarrassed about. So, trying to focus on the positives about your housing situation ('counting your blessings' as our grandmothers probably would have said) might help you feel a bit better about that aspect.

But I don't think you're being unreasonable about being down about the lack of support you're getting with managing your kids' needs. Best of luck.

85sqm is not tiny OP. I’m sorry it’s not big enough as you would like but that is the size of most ‘traditional’ family homes in the UK. I think perceptions of what is normal has been skewed by a lot of people adding massive extensions. You don’t know how your neighbours funded their big houses/ extensions - they could be up to their eyeballs in debt or in negative equity as they have spent more on the extension than the house can ever be worth. either way it’s not helpful for you to compare - it’s not good for your mental health,
it sounds like you live in a lovely area - that is worth A LOT! Plus with schools nearby and your children having good friend for sleepovers/ parties etc. there’s more to a home than the square meters! The area, safety, the schools, good neighbours, sense of community, nice places to go etc.

I don't get how 85 sq m is small. I am 3 people in a 2 bed , 6o sq m and feels huge