AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Omg just seen DLA comments. You must look into it. You should have a parents advice forum in your area, it’s a mandatory requirement. You will need advice on applying.
You may also have advice services linked to your jobs.
Don’t try and do it yourself. It’s not as easy as the tabloids make it out to be.
good luck

It sounds hard. At the same time, you own your own home in a lovely area. Your options are move to a less nice area and get somewhere bigger or increase work but doesn’t sound like those two are options right now.

your children are loved and safe. Is there anything you can do to help with space in the home?

I emphasise as me DH and DC lived in a one bed flat, in a gorgeous area close to everything but it was very tight, the tiniest kitchen in the world with no space, we stacked everything on walls and made the most of shelves, and we now have a two bed flat. Looking back I don’t know how we did it but we did. But the area and close amenities made up for it. And DC misses our one bed flat, and I realised because she was happy because we all were. It’ll be ok.

85 2 m is not that small though? Mine is the same size and there’s more of us. You need to declutter and stop comparing yourself to other people.

The fact that a midwife and paramedic can’t afford to live in a home comfortable for the needs of themselves and their two children is a poor reflection of this country not on you and your DH. Anyone who would look down their nose at yous doesn’t deserve your concern.

He’s an absolute cznt to his daughter and to you.

Apply for DLA - the cerebra guide is very helpful. You should get it for both teens, although the eldest will move to PIP when they turn 16 so you might want to wait a few months and just do pip.

Once you get DLA the Universal credit cap is removed so you may be entitled to something xxx

I voted you are NBU
All I can do is sympathise and ask as you are NHS can you move jobs to a cheaper housing area for more space?

Honestly I wonder why you had two kids in a small house. I know that’s not helpful now!
In your shoes I would move everyone somewhere else entirely - if you don’t really care for the garden what about a flat? You might actually have more space for your money. Is there any way that you or DH could change career? Don’t stick in a career that pays you poorly. You’re stuck in a rut where you are and it doesn’t sound to me like you really have much to lose. Best of luck xx

Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside.
OP, this is the ideal for so many - the cheapest house in the best neighbourhood! Would a good de-clutter, deep-clean, and car-boot sale of 11 years' worth of stuff help to re-frame your thinking about it?

If you have a front garden you could put up a porch. You don't need planning permission. You can buy kits to do it out of conservatory type panels. Then line it with command hooks, you can get nice ones, and shoe racks, maybe one that you can sit on, or a cheap little ikea stool. That gives you somewhere extra to put shoes on. We have a conservatory for storage and it made all the difference. Not quite conventional but made loads of difference to the zen-ness of the main rooms in our house. Could you shove a cheap kit conservatory on the back too? Stick your freezer and a few food cupboards in there, makes a world of difference. Ours is damp but we have a dehumidifier in it.
As for the gardens, have a watch of your garden made perfect or garden rescue, they always do a small garden on there, quite impressive what they can do.
Have you played around with mortgage calculators, assuming you've a bigger deposit now, could you extend your mortgage term to the full 35 years and keep repayments the same as your current house but for a bigger place?

Having SEN kids is tough so it is understandable you are struggling and unfortunately NHS wages aren’t good. Add to that you live in an expensive area and it is easy to see why you cannot move to a bigger house. However you really only have two choices. Increase income with a view to moving or move to a cheaper area. From the sound of it extending or reconfiguring the house is not an option so I can’t see what else you can do. Explain to the kids that moving is not an option as you cannot increase working hours (obviously without blaming them). If they are SEN they may not want to move anyway. My grandchildren don’t go to school and my daughter suggested jokingly moving to a more central town to fit with alternate providers and both kids said we are not moving house 😂. Hopefully as they get older you might be able to work full time again

Have a look into schemes like shared ownership.

Theres some lovely 3 and 4 beds for sale near me amd they start at 10% up to 75% owned portion.
I thought only non home owners could buy them but i found out recently that with some schemes u can apply as a home owner if u have a reason (amd over crowded with 2 SEN teens is a good reason amd the fact u work for the NHS may go in your favour too)
Obviously every scheme has its own set of rules bjt something u could look into? Xx

I’m in the exact same situation as you OP.

Me and DH both work full time though, with a joint income of over £150k and we still can’t afford to move. I don’t know how people do it? Inheritance or parental help maybe?

I Repainted the downstairs and bought new cushions not too long ago and feel happier.

Dont be disheartened! Kids like big houses but when they grow up, they’ll see you worked hard and they had a safe home!

@Miseramble that sounds so hard. I'm sorry you're in this position. Life doesn't seem fair, does it?! 💐🌻

I've no practical advice, I'm afraid, but I can empathise with how you're feeling.

This is why I'd love to win the euromillions jackpot. I would help out people like yourself, that are working and still struggling, and I'd get great satisfaction from doing so.

Fingers crossed I win the big one and my dreams of helping others can come true. 🤞🏼😁

I hope other posters come along with some good advice for you, if that's what you need. Otherwise, just vent here like we all do from time to time. It does sometimes help. 🙂

Perhaps you would be better off without him, financially and emotionally... 🤔

The only failure here is the State, which has failed to provide reasonable, living wage salaries for the back bone of this country.

Please claim DLA/PIP for both children!! I lost out on this too because I didn't realise I could claim it (you'd think there would be information when they receive a diagnosis but I guess doctors don't need to think about such things).

It was only after I put a desperate post on Facebook that one of my friends told me to come over to her house so she could tell me about the benefits I could claim. I even got an extra payment of tax credits because I was claiming DLA so it was great. But as I said, I missed out on about five years of payments - more if the stupid school hadn't ignored the autism clinic's request for more information on my clearly very autistic child.

Get applying immediately as the payments will be backdated to the date of your initial contact. I was able to pay off my debts from the back payments.

Your DH sounds like an arse...are you sure you wouldn't be financially better off without him?

I have to agree. I’m 63 and will never own a home having lost two purchased houses through divorce. (1st cheated horrifically and 2nd was DV). Horribly poor most of my life. Kids brought up with much wealthier friends. All with 2 parents in big houses.
Didn’t affect them 1 bit. They’re all doing really well.
And me? I’ll never retire, will work till I drop to pay off my Landlord’s second house. But I’m warm and safe and have Life insurance to leave them a legacy.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

Who cares? Be glad you have a house. Your kids still have friends don't they? It's just being practical not to have their mates over. If it bothers you that much just move to a cheaper area. In NHS you'll always find work.

Why are you embarrassed and feeling like a failure? Hand on heart I think you sound amazing.

You are keeping a career going and making a difference to other women at a time when they really need it. I’m a SEN mum too and am struggling with one, never mind two teenagers. It’s bloody brutal. You have a long marriage and you sound like a loving family. And your home although maybe not what you want sounds lovely and is in a nice area.

I hear that you want more for yourself and can see how tired you are which probably isn’t helping. Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing better than you think. People will judge whatever. Even if you had the big, detached house they’d still find something to beat you with. As someone said upthread “those who matter don’t mind whilst those who mind don’t matter”

The fact that a midwife and paramedic can’t afford to live in a home comfortable for the needs of themselves and their two children is a poor reflection of this country not on you and your DH. Anyone who would look down their nose at yous doesn’t deserve your concern.
In a cheaper area of the country this is possible though. It doesn't sound like any of you are particularly happy in your current village? Changing area may be a good solution for a fresh start and you both have skills that are in demand throughout the country.

Hi Op

I read your whole thread
My first feeling was jealousy, that despite all your SEN kids issues they have friends, birthday party invites, sleepovers etc etc
My 20 year old SEN son had very little of this at primary school age and absolutely none of it now.

Working in a similar field I don’t think increasing your hours is the answer as you will just get more burnt out

Your DH's behaviour is absolutely jaw dropping
Does he actually show your or your DC's any love?
I couldn’t be with a man that behaved like this.

The neglecting the house, spending money on his jollies while you cant afford to consider moving is very odd.

DH and I are a team, I worked weekends for years when DC's were little and I knew they were always well looked after, fed, played with taken to the park etc

Apply for DLA, its not difficult just fill in the form and answer each question as if it was an independent question of the form.

You say you live in a nice area so that is going to be a trade off, people that live in nice areas in big houses don’t work clinically for the NHS, they work in finance.

Good luck with it all you have had a lot of responses to consider

As is often the case your husband is lazy, shit and selfish. The medication thing is especially horrendous bearing in mind his line of work. He needs to step up as he only work until 9pm 4 days a week and he needs to cut back and n his self indulgence e.g. alcohol, phone, boys weekends etc. Brutal as it sounds 3 adults all fit in the house better than 4 I.e. when he moves out

I know what it is like to live in too small a house for your needs. Your house isn’t much smaller than the average terraced house though, 92sqm.

it’s tough though.

i possibly should have read more of the post.