AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I completely understand your frustration @Miseramble .
I live in a slightly smaller house to you with 2 teenage boys and the husband. One child has autism and needs space especially when he is 'stimming' which takes the form of pacing in circles. He tends to do this in our kitchen around the table and nobody can disturb him when he is doing this as it dysregulates him- so the kitchen becomes out of bounds for up to an hour at a time every night.

All my children's friends live in much larger houses in much nicer areas and I do compare and feel bad that I couldn't provide that for them.

I often find that when other things are going wrong in my life that my urge to find somewhere else to live becomes amplified even though I know that due to cost of living and our jobs it is impossible for us to move.

By the sounds of it, you like me will not be moving anytime soon. Is there anything you can do in the meantime to make your home more acceptable to you (if you can afford?) A change of colour on the walls/ new cushions/ throws/ mirrors /plants.

It sounds like you aren't quite on the same page as your husband at the moment- I imagine you are both under quite a lot of stress in your work and home life. Have you tried marriage counselling already?

I can you deratand wanting more space, most people do but checking out friends houses on rightmove is ridiculous. Not everyone in your area will have these huge houses and youre kids will no doubt have friends with small houses too. You have a family and a roof over your heads. If you want to move, then go for it.

Yes, sorry to ask, but are you sure your dh isn’t hiding money from you Op?

I think you need to separate out the different issues here TBH. Living in a small house and being embarrassed because your DC’s friends live in larger houses is no major issue, and making it so has probably lost you some sympathy here from people who also live in a small house but aren’t lucky enough to be able to afford their small house to be in a nice area.

The size of the house impacting negatively on your DC mentally and physically due to their special needs is something that you could possibly improve by looking towards a larger house in a cheaper area. But your biggest problem as I imagine others have said to you is your DH who not only isn’t doing his share of the parenting/household stuff, he is actually giving a negative impaxt
by his behaviour.

Seriously I would be investigating what benefits and other payments you may be entitled to if you and your partner separate and then looking to see whether you can continue to live where you are if your DH moves out or whether it would be better for you and your DC to have a fresh start.

This OP!

The floor area of my previous house was 10 feet x 18 feet. Same upstairs but reduced head height.

No garden, drive, shared access path.

My children shared a room (5.5 feet x 9) for 22 years.

I feel your pain.

OP in your situation, I would tell him to leave , your doing it all yourself anyway , apply for DLA for both children , your Literally losing out of 100s if not 1000pounds a month , on your single wages apply for UC , and your Husband will need to pay Child maintenance which is not counted . Plus you will have only 3 people in your house, and maybe move the bedrooms around.

You are focussing on the wrong thing, ie: stay or move and financial constraints.

You can't move. End of.

But you can make your current little house into a haven. I have a friend who lived in a similar size house with 3 kids and it was honestly one of the lushest loveliest homes she was so proud to show off. It's all about the storage and being super smart, then decorating in lovely colors, having gorgeous lighting etc. You can get lovely art and things from second hand shops or Facebook marketplace. You can DIY hack things yourself.

Look on instagram and Pinterest for ideas. Focus on making your little house into the world's loveliest small home.

Most people would rather have a smaller house in a nice area. It is nice not to have to worry about being attacked/sworn at every time you go out/drug deals happening outside everyday, and just feeling scared all the time. Your jobs are really important valuable ones, and point out to the children how many people would be proud of parents doing such valuable jobs, and providing a safe home they're never scared to walk to and from. A lot of families live in flats and have far less space. It's better to have a loving family and the home you have than parents who have a big detached house-there's many rich families who aren't close and loving.
You could ask your partner to revisit other options but he is right not to get himself sick with stress, as that would long term be worse. Tell him how proud you are of you and him for the difference you both make.

As a parent of two children with significant SEND needs (meaning I cannot work at all and have been unable to for a decade), in a similar sized house and with a husband in a similar job but with far less predictable hours… I find a lot of this rather confusing tbh.

Your children’s needs seem rather contradictory based on the posts. They’re so disabled that they need loads of care and attention and it’s so incredibly hard for you but they are popping round to friends’ houses and comparing them to their own, going to parties and wanting to host sleepovers, presumably are in mainstream school, don’t have DLA or I assume EHCPs? It’s like they’re very disabled in one breath but in the next they’re very… not disabled. I understand spiky profiles extremely well but this still just seems odd.

Either the needs really aren’t all that major and you need to stop mollycoddling them, feeling all woe-is-me because they have some needs and just get on with it, OR the needs are more significant and the children are not really getting the support and supervision they need, in which case apply for DLA, reduce your working hours, probably apply for an EHCP for at least the one not going to school etc.

You’re directing your frustration at the house and being jealous that it’s smaller than those airing you but really it sounds like you have a husband who is a useless parent and you need to face up to the reality of your children’s needs, whichever direction that means you need to shift your mindset in, and stop obsessing about the house (which is probably the only reason your kids really have an issue with it).

I see no contradiction in their needs. I have 2 bright kids with ASD who will plan things that they cannot manage or cope with. And then it's Mum's taxi, or at peak unrealistic plans, one pitched a tent on the Moors in -6° and snow because they'd been studying Mallory and Irvine. That was a police helicopter search job. But very intelligent on paper.

I’ve had to have harsh words with my teens many times. We are in an old 1900s terraced house so no room for extensions. It’s 3 beds but the 3rd is a box. Some on the street the same houses are actually 2 beds as the front two are knocked through. It’s an old 2 up 2 down really. No garden at all. A yard at the back and a tiny piece of grass that we don’t actually own at the front that we can never use due to other people walking their dogs on it. We only have one bathroom. That’s the biggest issue for me.

I’m a single parent and blight when married as a stepping stone house. It was the same price as a 2 bed flat but ours is on a less nice street. So in a way I’m glad we got the house as a 2 bed flat would be no good for 2 teens - one ASD diagnosed and one suspected adhd.

I can’t work more hours. Full time as a TA with UC top up. I am a qualified teacher but haven’t taught full time for 20 years. Was part time until last year and earned less than I do now so I am on more. I couldn’t go full time teaching again though. It nearly finished me off. I applied for loads of other non teaching jobs and this one was the only one I was successful at.

My daughter has friends who live in a range of house types so it’s been interesting. Some 5 bed mansion types on the new builds and some on the council or ex council areas. She does moan a lot about me getting a bigger home but it’s just not ever going to happen. When I eventually inherit my parent’s home - 3 bed 2 bath massive garden nice area - the kids will have left home and/ or I won’t be able to afford to buy my sister out of her share. I actually own my own home but it’s worth less than £100k and there’s no way I’d get or afford a mortgage for anything more on my single salary.

I ha w just had to come to terms with it.

it’s a confusing few posts. Unless your children have substantial needs ( this is where I’m confused) then they should definitely get used to being left alone, they are 12 and 15. Seems they can go to parties without you so why can’t you do some more shift work? But your husband sounds like a waste of space. Getting rid of him would give you more room and an easier life I imagine.

I could be wrong but your dh sounds like he is using his mental health to have quite a cushy life. He doesn't sound at all helpful and I can't really believe he is paying for gym membership and festivals when you are all crammed into a tiny house. We've moved and taken on a bigger mortgage so our teens can have more space. The mortgage is huge so we don't have gym membership....we have some weights in the garage and a second hand exercise bike. We scrimp and save to be able to dp things as a family amd dh does lots with the kids.

Your situation sounds really stressful and tough. I was originally thinking thet maybe you need to move to another area to get a cheaper larger house but now I have read how useless your dh is I reckon you could gain loads more space by just getting rid of him.

You could claim DLA up to age 18, that is not means tested, and after that PIP.

The house isn’t the issue here although I totally understand why it gets you down.

Your useless husband is the issue. He sounds awful and you need to leave him.

You need to claim DLA. It's not means tested. When your children become 16 you can claim PIP , also not means tested.

Sounds like your husband is also emotionally and mentally functioning at around age 8 or 9 too.

exhausting for you OP

See if life gets easier when your husband is away on his trip with friends. I suspect it might.

Apply for DLA, before your eldest is 16.

I think you are mainly suffering from neighbour envy. We live in a small (gasp) 2 - bed flat (2 adults, one child). We’ve chosen to prioritise working less, ease of commute, spending more time together, holidays and other things so we are all happy with the arrangement. It’s easy to feel like having a bigger house, more stuff, etc will make you happier but generally it doesn’t! Your situation sounds stressful but I’m not sure a bigger house would give you the long term boost you think it would.

Is there an opportunity for shared ownership to get a bigger place? As key workers you would both qualify?

After reading your first post I was about to respond with something along the lines of "Yes its a shitty situation, but comparison is the thief of joy".
And then I read about the cocklodger you have for a husband. He cannot just clock out of parenting. You effectively have 3 adult children to manage.
What is this "man" actually bringing in to your life? I'd be tempted to kick the lazy idiot out. Then you'd qualify for more support, he'd be legally required to provide for his children too.
Do look into PIP/DLA too.

Your feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter than loads are worse off, loads are better off and you are stressed by your situation.
there are loads of post so sorry if it’s been suggested, have you thought about a garden building? You can get pretty good structures at a reasonable price and a competent diyer can build them. There are costs involved but a smallish outlay can make a huge difference
we have a small house and my boys are huge. One has SN.
I don’t know how we would have coped without our big shed.
I used a small inheritance to put a mini one up for me to use for sewing and work. it cost 1k for the shed and someone to put it up. obv the sky is the limit cost wise but you might find something in budgetb

Our house is the same size as yours but two bedrooms, I’ve never thought of it as super small. However we are minimalists and our 2 kids are quite little still. Also my husband isn’t an arsehole and helps as much as he can with keeping it a happy place to be. Honestly, sounds like your husband is the problem

Sounds to me like you have money for him to drink beer, go on expensive lads holidays, festivals and meet friends but no money for you or a bigger house or even an extension.
Maybe leave husband seen a she does nothing your basically a single parent in a relationship at this point.

Other option would be to sell your house for a less desirable area but bigger house/cheaper mortgage