DS wants to quit his expensive hobbies but DH says absolutely not

[MauveBiscuit]

ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.

ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.

I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.

Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.

dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.

What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.

We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.

dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.

dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.

I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.

This is what I would do.
Mine have to do swimming till they are competent. And they have to do a sport. But they can pick which

But I would drop the Motorcross. Every time I am in a &e with my son (he has asthma) there seems to be a child there who is badly smashed up from doing this.

I agree with you in that the money has been spent whatever and he enjoyed it at the time. Surely that was the goal, not that he does it for x years or does either professionally? It's an insane amount of money and he's lucky he's been able to pursue expensive hobbies, enjoy his passions. He will have got so much from it and not just the specific skills but fitness and working hard at something. Maybe he will find new passions if he's given time. I think it's a good age to experiment, still a couple of years with lots of free time before GCSEs.

I would let one go at a time as it is a big adjustment - probably motocross - before seeing how he feels about dropping the other.

I get that your DH is invested in motocross and enjoys being involved so it will feel a bit sad to put an end to it. But that's part of being a parent - it's not about you.

I don't understand what DH thinks he's teaching your son by doggedly insisting he stick with hobbies he now dislikes. Any adult who was no longer enjoying their hobby would simply just stop doing it. Why should DS have to carry on? If DH is living vicariously through DS maybe he should take up motocross himself. It does sound like he is just sucking all the joy out of it.

@MauveBiscuit What is your DH really going to do - chuck your son in the pool and make him swim or bundle him onto a bike and force him to race?
Your DS needs to spend some downtime with his mates and on his school work, rather than on DH hobby.
Once the love for a hobby (and they were to begin with) has been sucked out (because they're now competitions) there really is no way of going back.
Your DS has made his mind up and you need to have his back and tell DH to drop it.
It's over, it's time to sell up and move on.
Your DS knows he needs to stop - he must have tons of homework to cram in at the weekends, he's probably exhausted.
Please respect him and don't force him to carry on with something he no longer wants to do. 💐

I think it's also hugely problematic that there's so much time and energy and money invested in one child and not the other

I’d refine this by asking why it has to be competitive sport. It’s so sad that competition destroys the original love of the activity itself. It isn’t swimming that your son doesn’t like. It’s the drills, the pressure, the racing and so on. None of that is necessary to enjoy being in the water and swimming.

The sports industry has a lot to answer for because it puts off so many people from enjoying physical activity. I’ve come across so many people who have been pressured out of doing something that they originally loved.

If he doesn’t want to do these hobbies there will be a level of resentment and hostility, his heart won’t be in it.
Loose a swim race or two- no problem.
Not being 100%switched on in motocross could be fatal for DS or if he absentmindedly causes a crash.
Can DH live with that?
You can’t make DS love doing it- I’d ditch the motocross first and give swimming another 6 months then give that up too.
We can’t and shouldn’t do everything - he’s achieved competency in both sports and may come back to them later in life for enjoyment.
He’ll be bogged down in GCSEs soon enough and having a break doing something he doesn’t want to do is going to mess with his head, your relationships and his exam results eventually

From someone who was forced to take violin lessons and play in the school orchestra for years I wouldn't recommend making him do things like this that he doesn't want to do. I haven't picked up a violin from the moment I rebelled and stopped playing. I never really forgave my parents for forcing me. Hobbies are supposed to be fun, a way of enjoying your spare time, not a burden or something you dread.

What's wrong with hanging with mates in parks?! So teens have to be in clubs every night?

The problem with most children’s activities in this country is they’re all set towards competing. There is little space for a child to take part in and enjoy an activity, especially sports, without the high pressure drive to competitions and strive for technical PBs and progression all the time.

Maybe try water polo or do the water safety classes/courses towards life guard. Swimming is a lot hours. Team sports clicker me more social
My son was about 10 going gymnastics then wanted to quit, I told him had to give a month's notice. He seemed ok went along during the 'notice period ' around week 3/4 told me didn't want to quit ... And the real reason I had asked was because a certain boy in class causing bother but he has now left !

I would allow him to quit he's done both a good amount of time it's not like he did it for a couple months and quit
What else is he interested in?

Please let him give up for the love of God. It's about the age a lot of boys and girls stop or diminish their extra curricular activities. School gets more serious and there's just other stuff going on, like growing up.

Nothing worse than carrying on something just to please or not disappoint your parents. I did that and was so miserable. My girls did all sorts of things til they were 13. Yes a lot of money was spent, but it was worth it at the time. To carry on would be the waste of money.

It's extremely hard to get involved in a new sport at age 12/13 - sports like football, basketball, cricket, rugby most kids who do them have done since 5 or so, and teams either won't accept inexperienced players at that age or they aren't set up for them.

If the money spent over the years resulted in enjoyment at the time it’s hardly completely wasted.

I can imagine competitive swimming sucks if you aren’t fussed about winning anymore. Motocross at least has the thrill of speed and the exhilaration of jumping even if you don’t place well in a race. I wonder if he’s just fed up of the competition element. I’d suggest getting him to try out mountain biking, the motocross skills would set him up nicely, the majority of people who do it don’t do it to competitively and you get a lot of the same thrills of air, berms, racing lines and speed but with much nicer scenery than repetitive dirt tracks, plus you get a decent athletic challenge that makes use of the swimming fitness.

In life perseverance and commitment are good qualities to have, but so is accepting you no longer enjoy something and knowing when to quit. I write this as I struggle through the last episode of season 3 of Euphoria - I really need to work on my knowing when to quit skills!

If he gives these two hobbies up, does he have any other hobbies hes stuck at/committed to and developed any level of skill at? These things do contribute to people becoming adults with skills & interests. Teenagers with no hobbies tend to be the ones who loiter about parks & shopping centres or spend vast amounts of time gaming. Could he do DofE? He is a bit old to swap into a team sport or pick up a musical instrument, everyone else will be miles better than him and he's unlikely to stick at it.

There's a reason good universities like young people who have interests/skills outside of school. It develops perseverance, resilience, teaches you how to fail & recover & builds confidence.

Choosing that you no longer wish to do something competitively is NOT the same thing as giving up something just because it gets hard.

No child should be forced to continue with any hobby indefinitely if they have expressed a continued desire to stop. Especially competitively. That's huge pressure not just developing a skill.

I agree with seeing out the current term/season as you've made a committment which is the main lesson to teach kids surely, that even if you want to, if you've committed to a team/club/competition etc you don't drop out on a whim but like with a job, individuals are allowed to "give notice" when something no longer works for you!

After 6 years swimming and 2 years motocross, at 12 years of age, it hardly sounds like he's giving up lightly. That's half and a sixth of his life respectively! There's loads of other hobbies he could explore if he wanted to, and it sounds like he does have a decent balance. In another 2 years, if not sooner, he'll need to be concentrating a bit more on studies as gcses approach and really multiple training sessions a week and whole weekend days taken up with competitions etc could put additional and unnecessary pressure on him.

Is your Dh living vicariously through him perhaps? Wanting him to compete and win because he wanted to have the opportunity/did it himself etc? Does he have aspirations of DS performing at elite level?
Even if DS did have the capability to do that, obviously I don't know either way, but his heart needs to be in it really to be successful surely!!

This. Even at age 9/10 we've had some kids join DS rugby club this year and they arent able to go along to the tournaments because they just arent good enough, the others have been playing since they were 4. Unless you try something niche like croquet, fencing or archery, team sports are difficult to pick up from scratch in secondary.

Could he take the swimming & try something like water polo? Most kids are a bit older starting that and its really fun, good way to keep fit.

You haven't wasted any money on swimming. Obviously your son needed to be able to swim for safety's sake, and he has had the benefit of all that exercise. If he doesn't have the pressure of racing, I suspect he will continue to enjoy it.

As for motocross, again if he has enjoyed it you have wasted nothing. No-one has to do a hobby so intensively that they reach the highest levels in competitions in that hobby. I enjoyed sewing as a child, I can sew competently now and still enjoy it, but I have missed out on nothing by going in for a degree in a totally different subject and deciding not to follow my hobby as a career.

I'd suggest talking to your DS whether he would like to go on with either hobby on a strictly non-competitive basis, and looking for other ways to enjoy them. If you're anywhere near the sea, for instance, he could opt for surfing or open water swimming. But if he doesn't want to, fine. He's still got a lot out of both swimming and moto cross.

Same.

What do you mean, you’ve “thought about asking”? Why is this your husband’s decision rather than yours or, more importantly, your son’s? Why would you ask him for permission ?

From this and from your son asking you to stick up for him against his dad, your husband sounds like a bully. Or someone who doesn’t know that his opinion isn’t more valid than yours.

I knew three kids that gave up swimming as teen-agers they'd been swimming for a decade. Two were selected for Wales junior academy. I've known horse mad kids lose interest. It happens.

It's not a hobby if you're doing it because your dad is making you do it.

Dad seems to think he's investing in creating an olympian or something, that's the only explanation for thinking that paying for his son to do a sport or as long as he enjoys it is a waste of money, but continuing to pay for him to do a sport he no longer enjoys is somehow worthwile.

I haven’t read all the replies but can definitely resonate with your post. My DD2 was a competitive swimmer and DS1 and DD1 both did downhill mountain biking at national level. At the end of the day, it does have to be fun. When mine gave up, they were around 15 but I didn’t think about the money I’d ‘wasted’, it gave them great transferable skills, was character-building and they absolutely loved it at the time. Standing in the blocks at a gala or riding down a mountain in front of loads of spectators teaches them grit and resilience - losing is as important as winning !

I did miss their hobbies myself as I had friends on the hilllside and at the pool, but that was a ‘me’ problem and I’ve found my own hobby to enjoy !

I would let him quit if his heart is not in it, my DS2 had never been as competitive but has as much fun playing recreational golf, airsoft, tennis and fishing - there are plenty of other hobbies out there to try !!