To ask whether it’s a bit hypocritical to want a church service for your funeral when you’re not religious or if it’s perfectly fine?

[RedNerd]

A family member of a close relative of mine has died and his partner wants the local church for the service then on to the crematorium. He wasn’t religious at all (neither is she) so obviously never attended church. From the church’s pov, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to hold the service of a nonbeliever, but to wonder why people chose such a location when the crematorium offers services?

I think it would be very unusual for a non-believer to want to have a service in a mosque or a synagogue or any other place of worship, but some how it doesn’t seem as odd for a non believer to want their loved ones service to be held in a church? My relative is wondering why not just go to the crem under the circumstances and it’s hypocritical to want a church. I suppose they are beautiful buildings!

Seriously why does it matter? The mosque or synagogue would host it too

I can understand it

Church is a very important part of culture. As a non-believer, I love being able to hear church bells and so on. And that’s partly to do with it being a childhood comfort thing.

I actually go to church occasionally, so goodness knows what you think of me!

Funerals are for the people left behind. If that's where they feel most comfortable then that's fine

We chose the local Cof E church for our adult DDs funeral. DD had never been Christened nor attended Church - except with the school when she was a pupil there. Neither DH nor I are religious. We chose the Church because we saw it as a local community facility where everyone who knew DD in the village would feel welcome to attend. The alternative of the Crematorium was 20 miles away. DD is also buried in the churchyard and we find comfort from villagers telling us they "had a quick chat with DD" as they passed her grave.

Being non-religious doesn't necessarily mean they were a raging atheist. I think for a lot of people, whilst religion doesn't play a part in their day to day lives, they still have a underlying belief that there is something more beyond death, and that they will be reunited with loved ones again. I think a funeral in a church can feel like a homecoming.

Churches are the centre of celebrations for every stage of life - christenings, weddings, Easter, Harvest, Christmas. A crematorium is solely a place of death.

You've summed it up beautifully, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I hope this thread was started in good faith (no pun intended) with an interest in understanding.

I saw this as someone who has no religion and is scattering my aunt in Porthcawl this weekend.

We had a secular service followed by cremation for my father, who wasn't particularly religious. But then we had a church blessing which was necessary to put up a memorial plaque in our local village churchyard. The church is the centre of the community and a major part of the landscape in rural villages, so it didn't feel unreasonable that we should be able to commemorate my father there given my parents have lived in their village for decades just a few houses along from the church.

A church is fairly cultural, not just religious. Plenty of non-religious people get married in one (although maybe that’s decreasing now)

I think it's quite normal - people may appreciate the spiritual element of it at these moments in life even if they are not believers.

If it gives them comfort, that’s all that matters.

You don't have to attend church to believe in god. As pp have said church is cultural/part of the community. If it gives those left behind comfort does it matter.

Im religious and always found it a little strange when non religious people have funerals, weddings etc in churches. I’ve never felt the need to do it in any other religious space so I don’t really get it, even before I became religious I still didn’t understand it lol

I'm sorry for your loss

People make all sorts of decisions where grief is involved, and some might find comfort in a church. What I don't understand why people use churches (apart from the pictures) for celebrations when they don't attend and/or don't believe.

It doesn't bother me other than it takes up valuable priest time and those who do believe, and it's important to them, have to wait for a slot. Many catholic priests have to share several churches in a parish, and we had to wait three weeks for a slot for a requiem mass.

If you're being a tiny bit hardarsed about it, it's hypocritical but it's also very human. Our society is still founded on the old concepts at this point and as someone said, people have a feeling there's "something more".

I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your circumstances and why you chose it for your DD. I completely understand the community aspect of it and I can absolutely see why it brought comfort to you. This thread has been quite an eye opener and I appreciate the responses.
I personally think they are such beautiful buildings and far nicer than the crematorium where we live so for that reason alone I can understand why.

I suppose that if are not actively religious in the church-going sense, but still feel a loose affinity to the christian church, then it might feel like the right, comfortable place to be at that time.

DH and I are firm atheists and it is the last place either of us would want to be. I just attended my first church funeral service (Catholic, if that makes a difference) and found it totally alienating. Much preferred the 10 or so crematorium funerals I have been to.

It's up to the individual and I don't think it is "hypocritical" as such. I have more of an issue with church weddings for non-believers to be honest, as I think that is more likely to be for the "look".

I am a nonbeliever but I'm a user of churches in their community role. I went to toddler groups, my son goes to scouts, i do yoga in another church. As a pp said, they (the good ones) are a community focal point. My friend recently had a funeral in an ex-church which is now secular/deconsecrated but still used like this and she had a humanist celebrant. That, for me would be ideal, but just doesn't exist everywhere.

My auntie wanted this. My dad was doing the funeral as he is a lay reader. He pointed out that she would get exactly the same service at the crematorium and it would be easier to organise and cheaper. So that’s what they did. As I have a regular church, I want reception the night before and a requiem mass with all the trimmings.

if you separate the cremation from the memorial event, then you can have the memorial event wherever you want eg at a village hall, your own garden, pub room etc. Then you get the local, attractive, community venue without any overtones of religion. That's what we did for my father.

I’d assume that people aren’t really non believers if they choose church for their funeral. They might not go to church regularly or observe a religion but that doesn’t mean they don’t believe in God.

Anyway, the Church of England is for everyone.

I’m not religious in any way. I had 2 marriages in civil ceremonies, and I have let my kids know I want a totally non religious funeral.

In my village, funerals for not obvious Christians are often held in the church because it's easy for their friends and neighbours to get there, particularly if the deceased was elderly. Lots of the congregation would struggle to get to the crematorium I suppose. And I'd imagine there's some spiritual leanings somewhere in the mix anyway.

I'm not religious and I'll be having a direct cremation, but I understand the appeal of gathering friends and family in a beautiful building with an organ.

I grew up in a small village and the church was the focal point. We spent our time in the Church House at jumble sales, whist drives and summer fetes in the garden. I was a sporadic attendee throughout my childhood, teens and early adult hood.

I'd like a church funeral service. I probably go to Church about two or three times a year now, Easter, Harvest festival, Midnight Mass at Christmas.

I would not find it odd for someone non religious or not a church goer to want a church service unless they/the family were actively atheist. I'd find it odd if they were adamant that they DEFINITELY DID NOT BELIEVE in God for them to want any kind of religious service and it would feel a bit disrepectful to think they were eye-rolling through the prayers.

People are entitled to have whatever kind of funeral or cremation that they or the family would like. But it feels lacking in manners to others whose faith is part of them to organise a religious service whilst believing it's a load of rubbish.