To ask whether it’s a bit hypocritical to want a church service for your funeral when you’re not religious or if it’s perfectly fine?

[RedNerd]

A family member of a close relative of mine has died and his partner wants the local church for the service then on to the crematorium. He wasn’t religious at all (neither is she) so obviously never attended church. From the church’s pov, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to hold the service of a nonbeliever, but to wonder why people chose such a location when the crematorium offers services?

I think it would be very unusual for a non-believer to want to have a service in a mosque or a synagogue or any other place of worship, but some how it doesn’t seem as odd for a non believer to want their loved ones service to be held in a church? My relative is wondering why not just go to the crem under the circumstances and it’s hypocritical to want a church. I suppose they are beautiful buildings!

My Dh does the accounts for our parish church and although the Church of England has massive funds, local churches are supported by their community. Nothing trickles down despite the billions…

I’m not sure you can police the OPs adjectives, especially when she says she personally thinks churches are ‘beautiful buildings’.

We were married in a village church. We chose it because it’s a pretty church which would look lovely in the photos. Nothing meaningful about it for us.

@ItsAlwaysTwins But I'm assuming you believe in God? As I believe you have to make declarations such as: "according to God’s holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow."

Nope, non-believers. Who that marries in. Church can honestly say they are religious? Not many, I bet. We did take our vows seriously though (god bit aside).

Give over! If I think they’re beautiful buildings that’s got nothing to do with you either! You don’t get to choose how I describe something.

Thank you. My thoughts exactly.

There's a lot more to a Church of England funeral than you would get from a secular service in a crematorium.

But it does not matter how you see the building. It is not your funeral. It is how some other person wants to do it.
You are really self-centered, aren't you?

@ItsAlwaysTwins That's what I don't understand. Surely you are making a public declaration? For us what mattered most wasn't the pretty photos, but that we meant every word of our vows, not just parts of them. We don't believe in God so wasn't going to declare to everyone we did.

Do you only read key words in posts? I can only assume you do or you would see that it was my relative that was pondering whether it would be a bit hypocritical. I asked for people’s reasons and they make sense and didn’t occur to me previously and I’ve found the responses to be interesting

Of about 90+ posts with genuine responses, rationale and reasoning, yours stands out as being the most bizarre reaction and response.

I hadn’t been to church since I was at secondary school when I got married in a church. My Husband had never been to church. That church welcomed us, the Rev became like a second Dad to both of us and the congregation became our family and God parents to our children. We’ve been attending every week for 15 years now!

The Church of England is there for everyone.
It always saddens me how many people will make use of it but not support it.
Village churches are struggling financially, they have to pay £ thousands into central funds just to keep open. If everyone who just wants a beautiful building were to support it financially, it will continue to be there when you want it. You will be most welcome, funeral or not.

You do have plenty of responses pointing to deeper meanings.
You can relate that to your relative, maybe.

During a wedding or baptism, participants make promises to God so I would see someone committing to do something they never plan to do, as complete hypocrites- and liars.
I don't think promises are made during a funeral service so it would be fine to have a religious ceremony as some attendees may find comfort in the words even if others don't.

Lots of people get married in churches when they're not even slightly religious.

The church has taken enough from the people over the centuries, it can't even begin to pay it back. Who cares who uses their buildings? Our ancestors collectively paid for them, and built them.

It is a bit hypocritical, but as the institutions themselves don't mind then it's fine to not be religious and yet have a religious ceremony in a religious place.

Unless they died as the type of person who says things like 'flying spaghetti monster' believer and 'OMFG' etc. That kind of hypocrisy is hard to forgive.

In a lot of rural England, village churches have been the centre of village and community life, getting on for 800-900 years.

They are where our forebearers were Christened, Married and Buried. For dozens of generations.

Regardless of religious belief, they are a part of our history and culture. Death, as well as other major life events might make people seek the comfort of following their cultural tradition, even if they don't seek it during their daily life.

It perhaps isn't as scary, it maybe doesn't feel as alone. Because of the thousands who went before us, and all the people after us, will follow the same traditions.

(Might be talking shit, but that is how I feel at least).

Perfectly fine. The church should be the servant of the people. There to provide comfort, support, and community, a bridge to God for those who believe, and a safety net for those who aren't sure but don't want to risk it.

No different to people getting married in church when they arent religious. Churches historically have been community centres

We are a culturally christian country rather than a religious christian country anyway.

God for you. I don’t think we were declaring we believed in god? If we did, I missed that.

For us it was about being legally married in a nice traditional setting. I didn’t fancy being married in an ugly register office. We also had our children baptised as Catholics, purely to get them into the good Catholic school. We’ve made lifelong friends there that did the same. Not a believer among us 😂

Church is a little different in Scotland and we don’t have catholic schools.

but out of interest, would you have picked a mosque, equally beautiful, and embraced the traditions for school?

o actually think your honesty is wonderful but perhaps didn’t need the laughing face at the end.

so you are basically teaching your children to lie to get ahead and to better yourself. You might not realise it, but that has an undercurrent of a lack of inauthenticity and at worst, integrity.

You dont have to believe in God to attend a church (they do not ask you at the door! ) and you donot have to believe to use one and pay whatever (voluntary) contribution is asked for

a parish church is for everyone who lives in the parish, no matter whether they’re regular attendees or not.

It is hypocritical yes, but what does it matter? People can hold whatever kind of service they want, or may find religion at the last second as a way to hedge their bets. It could be because relatives are religious and it means something to them, etc.

It shouldn’t matter to you