To ask whether it’s a bit hypocritical to want a church service for your funeral when you’re not religious or if it’s perfectly fine?

[RedNerd]

A family member of a close relative of mine has died and his partner wants the local church for the service then on to the crematorium. He wasn’t religious at all (neither is she) so obviously never attended church. From the church’s pov, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to hold the service of a nonbeliever, but to wonder why people chose such a location when the crematorium offers services?

I think it would be very unusual for a non-believer to want to have a service in a mosque or a synagogue or any other place of worship, but some how it doesn’t seem as odd for a non believer to want their loved ones service to be held in a church? My relative is wondering why not just go to the crem under the circumstances and it’s hypocritical to want a church. I suppose they are beautiful buildings!

It’s really weird but some people can’t think of an alternative - or they’re applying Pascal’s Wager.

I think it’s often more about location or sentimentality than religion. It’s the same as getting married in a church. I’d say that 90% of the weddings we’ve been to in churches have involved a couple with no religious beliefs whatsoever. And the same goes for funerals. Crematoria chapels tend to be ugly and remote.

We’re not remotely religious but we got married in a church.

Not hypocritical at all, especially when, as in this case, the people concerned have been clear that they are not religious. Some people still draw a kind of comfort from the peace of a church and familiar words even if they don't believe. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Beautiful.

My uncle never attended church in his life. He didn’t even marry in one, and he married three times. No idea whether he believed or not. When he died, his funeral was in a church. The priest didn’t quibble and it was packed, standing room only. I suspect the collection plate was overflowing.

@PauliesWalnutsI've never heard of anyone having to wait for a slot in a Church. On the contrary, it is the Crematorium where 'slots' are at a premium with long waits of up to a month.
A friend recently buried her mother after a Catholic Church service and was able to choose a date to suit the family. Both my parents had Catholic funerals within 2 weeks of dying. We thought the Vicar might be a bit busy when we were trying to arrange our DDs funeral as it was in the run up to what we thought was a busy period in the Church calendar, but again, there was no problem with dates. The Vicar was more than happy to carry out the funeral for our non religious family and it was he who said that he liked to think of his Church as a Community facility. So i don't think we took valuable time away from someone who was religious!

Genuine question: what alternatives are there if you don't want a funeral in a church but DO want to be buried rather than cremated - maybe so your children have a specific permanent 'focal point' for a memorial to you?

Are there secular places where people can hold a funeral and then go on to be buried in the council cemetery?

Churches are open to all and serve their community. If a religious service brings any sort of peace and comfort then they are fulfilling their purpose. Churches are always open to new members and cultural services are one way of proclaiming their message.

Not at all-you aren't going to be saying anything, and look at how many non-religious godparents actually pretend/say things suggesting they are religious during Christenings!
And this is the time you'll (maybe!) find out very soon if there is an afterlife, if you are agnostic.
If you have actively spoken out against religion, then it would seem an odd choice, but if you've more been on the fence, well, we all choose to live in this country (whether we were born here or immigrated) and it still has Christian conventions in some ways, eg limited Sunday trading, Christian holidays which many from all religions and none often join in with, so why not?

I think if other members of the family are religious, such as a sister or brother, or parents if they are still alive, then reasonable.

Not the same ceremony I know, however, I was pleased when non-church weddings were able to take place in other than a registry office.

Funerals are for the living, for the bereaved and grieving relatives. If they find comfort in a church service, so be it.

The funeral is for the benefit of loved ones left behind. Even if you believe in an afterlife, the deceased person would likely be too relieved to have made it there (or too busy grappling with the fires of Hell!) to be bothered about what was happening with their funeral

So the funeral should be whatever brings the bereaved family the most comfort - that might include a sense that they are honouring the deceased's beliefs or known wishes, but it isn't mandatory.

I have told my family I have no interest in having a funeral. If they want to hold one, it's fine, but they're welcome to ship me off via the council in a cardboard box or whatever is the cheapest and most convenient legal way to dispose of my remains.

The (new) crematorium where we had my mum's service offered whatever you want, within reason. We didn't have hymns but we had music, photos, readings and a eulogy. It wasn't a religious service. On edit - sorry I missed the burial bit. You'd probably need to check with a funeral director.

This might be helpful. https://www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/advice/can-you-have-a-non-religious-funeral

It's perfectly fine. The church service is there for the mourners.

There's a burial ground near us. Local people can arrange to be buried there independently of what sort of event happens beforehand.

The Church of England I believe is partially funded by the state so should do some statutory duties

I think it’s your day as such and you have what you want. If you want it you have it.

C of E clergy will want to welcome anyone from their parish. But of course you can’t demand it doesn’t include the Christian faith as a church funeral has to follow a certain liturgy with room for sharing the person’s life a well.
So it really depends on whether you in the ‘not a church-goer but are open to faith’ camp or in the ‘ardent atheist’ camp.

Yeah we had to wait a while to be able to have a requiem mass for my dad. It was quite weird as I had to go back to work for a fortnight, and then take two days off for the funeral and decompressing the day afterwards.

Our parish priest covers three churches, and we're in an area of the NW where there are now demographically an awful lot of elderly Irish pensioners who are dying and who want to be buried over here, with a mass. So I guess demand is very high. Since he died they've started to combined the daily mass with a funeral, so if you go to mass daily you'll often be sat in someone's funeral, and conversely, if you have a family requiem mass, there will be people attending who you don't know, because they've just come to mass, as usual!

No it’s not. It’s entirely funded by donations. If you are rather partial to your village church, please do consider regularly donating.

@BrezhnevsLuxuriantEyebrowsI once went to a Humanist funeral which was held in the function room at our local sports club. It felt very odd looking out across the coffin at the football pitch! The deceased was then buried in the local churchyard and the wake was also held at the sports club.
There is also a Woodland Burial ground a few miles from here. I've never been to a burial there, but I assume you just have a short service around the 'grave' before they bury the deceased. You can't have any gravestones though but you can visit the grounds and reflect.

Surely it’s only hypocritical if they spend their life saying people shouldn’t have funerals in church and then have their own funeral in one?

With massive tax breaks and grants.

Its main source of funding by far is from its >8 billion endowment fund. You may or may not like the ethics of how all of that was accumulated.

I am deeply religious and I think it's so important that all people feel entitled to use places of worship for important life events in any way that brings them solace or comfort.

I agree 💯. I want rid of all religion and if we ban access to buildings and services unless registered with a religion, it will be a huge step towards achieving this.

The crematoriums round here are pretty grim. The churches are much nicer, so it makes logical sense to me. I'd always opt for the nicest venue for a send off.