Did you ever wonder about your husband after the Gisele Pelicot case?

[Seymorbutts]

I’m a lesbian (thank god!) so I’ve got no skin in this game but I read something on here earlier about the sheer number of seemingly ordinary men who participated in the rape of Gisele Pelicot. I’m assuming their own wives had no idea either. It’s not only horrific but got me wondering are most men actually like this, walking around pretending to be normal but actually have these sick fantasies they’re just waiting for the opportunity to act out? And that got me wondering if you’re married to a man, did the Gisele Pelicot case ever lead you to suspect your own husband could have ever done anything like this, if not to you, to another woman? If so, how did you cope with it?

All I'm saying is we can never be 100% sure about any man not having these tendencies.
That's all.
And given that lack of certainty, the logical thing to do would be not to interact with them at all if we wished to avoid all risk of harm but most people take the chance and thankfully most of the time it's all fine.

Great, another man bashing thread.

@TotaleclipseinFrance well there would be lots of types of people and activities that people should avoid if they want to be 100% sure of all kinds of risks not happening to us. At some point, as you say, most people take reasonable and measured risks in order to live their lives. I don’t think it’s measured or reasonable to suspect your male partner, without any other evidence, every time you hear of another male committing a crime against women.

This study

Disturbing research into the extent of child sexual abuse has found almost one in six Australian men have sexual feelings towards children and teenagers, and almost one in 10 acknowledge having committed child sexual offences, despite few being caught.

Along with Gisele Pelicot case told me that we are dealing with a much bigger problem than I was previously able to integrate. Add domestic violence and sexual offences to this and the scale of the problem is so enormous and in my mind getting worse all the time.

No.

In the same way when I read about serial killers I don't wonder if DH has got a secret cache of bodies buried in the woods.

I think some men struggle or do not wish to see the need for consent in marriage. My H has behaved badly with regards to sex in the past, nowhere near the level of this case, but he went though a phase of repeatedly starting sex and sexual activity while I was asleep when my baby was young, and didn't take no for an answer a couple of times during the day because he thought I was joking. The worst was his attitude as he would laugh it off because i think i was his wife so it didnt matter. He didnt want to deliberately hurt me but i think some men unfortunately don't understand that consent in marriage isn't always automatic. I still dont feel i have forgiven him in a way. Of course, most men will not drug their wives or have sex with unconscious women!

I think that you are being obtuse about this because clearly being with the 99 other women is the safer option
Not being optuse but finding that using a fictional example to make a point about a life scenario is totally pointless. It's just use my women to make a point that men are more dangerous. Well yes, we know that! The point is that you don't question everything men do whilst never questioning women's actions just because statistically they are more likely to commit SA.

Talking about calculated risk. Do you just travel by train because it's safer than travelling by car? Do you question every time you get in a car whether you could have an accident whilst feeling always 100% safe on a train because statistically you're less likely to die in a train accident than a car?

Your island scenario is as pointless as saying that if you could only use one public transport for the rest of your life, it would be train because you'd be less likely to die young than driving!

I had the absolute honour of knowing one of Eunice Sprys children before she tragically took her life. She was an absolutely beautiful soul who went through unthinkable things.

How can you be sure about women?

Surely the logical thing would be to interact with NO ONE just to be on the safe side?

Never once have I felft I was taking a risk by interacting with someone simply because he happened to have a penis and I don't. I have had bad feelings about some people, we all do.

Not my husband but another ex. He would start having sex with me while I was still asleep. I mostly woke up and joined in, but there was definitely no consideration about consent.

No because I do trust my husband, I've known him since I was 18 and he has never been anything but kind and respectful of ny boundaries. And also because I was woken by the noise of a mosquito the other night....ultra light sleeper. Would find it uncharacteristically odd if I woke up in the morning not recalling a night of tossing and turning and sleeplessness. Literally can count on 1 hand the times I have slept deeply....after anaesthetic is one.

I definitely think male sexuality is very problematic. I'm not sure how much is innate and how much is being socialised by a society that things men can't, and shouldn't have to, control their lust.

I bet they'd be able to control it if they thought they'd definitely get the death penalty for non consensual sex or child sexual abuse.

Totally agree that most sexual crime is committed by men. In fact, it’s almost always men.

But it’s a strange question to ask and a bit like asking if your partner could be a rapist and committed such an act before meeting you. Yes, it’s not anywhere near as common but woman to woman rape is an active area of research and there are some well documented cases.

https://www.autostraddle.com/this-happens-sexual-assault-between-queer-women-179993/

I think as I’ve got older (and divorced twice) I’ve come to see men as very basic and very highly sexed compared to most women. Every woman thinks the man she’s married is perfect, until he isn’t.

Because more than 90% of crime are not perpetrated by women?
It is not hard...

Are you a man or a woman?

Well it’s not more than 90 percent is it , 20 percent of violent crime is women, 16 percent of all crime. Yes men still do the majority, but women are not innocent angels.

I can’t say that it made me think about my husband no.

Obviously I’m not in denial that seemingly ordinary people can commit horrific crimes, nor I under any illusion that the majority of crimes are committed by men.

However if we all started suspecting our perfectly boring husbands of being rapists, well that would be quite the leap wouldn’t it?

If men are that good at keeping their secrets hidden then what are their wives supposed to do about it?Ot sounds a bit like blaming women for what men do tbh.

Yeah it is 14% female.
And 7% if we talk about homicides.
I think I take my chance with the "female angels" 😉

I think she did ask him if he was drugging her because she felt ill and groggy.

There are websites with hundreds and thousands of men drugging their partners and posting them having sex with them.

One called shut eye or something similar where the men pull their wives eyes back to show they are out. They post all this.

I recently watched a true crime documentary about a woman who was murdered when her partner tried to do this but got the measure wrong.
He claimed she accidentally over dosed on sleeping pills! He was found guilty

I know many highly sexed women.

This behaviour isn’t about sex it's about control.

I mean Gisele Pelicot’s husband didn’t even have sex he watched others.

Many men have told me they would love to wake up to find their girlfriend giving them oral. 'Sticking something in one of their orifices' - perhaps no.

Nope, never. If I had ever wondered about such a thing I would leave. I have never wondered if he is a rapist, murderer, thief, adulterous, none of it. People will say ‘Yeah but you never know, I never thought mine would do XYZ’ but I can’t live like that. I trust him with my DCs life and there is no greater trust, in my mind.

I don’t trust any other men though, outside of my DH, brothers, father and one friend. Apart from that, I don’t trust any of them.

Have you read her biography? I’m not going to stone the victim but there are quite a few nuances in this story.