Did you ever wonder about your husband after the Gisele Pelicot case?

[Seymorbutts]

I’m a lesbian (thank god!) so I’ve got no skin in this game but I read something on here earlier about the sheer number of seemingly ordinary men who participated in the rape of Gisele Pelicot. I’m assuming their own wives had no idea either. It’s not only horrific but got me wondering are most men actually like this, walking around pretending to be normal but actually have these sick fantasies they’re just waiting for the opportunity to act out? And that got me wondering if you’re married to a man, did the Gisele Pelicot case ever lead you to suspect your own husband could have ever done anything like this, if not to you, to another woman? If so, how did you cope with it?

That's awful. I'm sorry that happened. x

No.
And because some men do it, doesn't mean all men will. There is too much generalisation about people in all sorts of ways.

Not a single fibre of my being believes my own husband could be capable of that, but I am also painfully aware that so many more men than you'd ever imagine do terrible things. The men you would least suspect. We should really never rule out the possibility of our own, fully trusted spouses having it within them do so, as much as we do not want to face the idea.

I think the point is that when the Pelicot case broke it seems like a horrifying but unique crime.

There have now been at least 4 similar cases across Europe, involving lots of men, so it would seem not to be as rare as first thought.

It’s not all men, but it’s more men than we thought, so it shouldn’t be swept under the carpet.

No not at all. We've been together for absolutely ages and he's never done a single thing thats made me doubt him.

Everyone thinks my ex boyfriend is the most decent lovely person. He raped me when I was in shock after recieving some devastating news. He's a very successful and well liked professional. I later heard something that makes me think he raped another ex too. Neither of us have taken any action and I feel bad about that but I was dealing with two traumas at once

I found out in the lead up to and shortly after my father's death that he was of the absolute worst variety of people. I was with him as he took his last breath in the nursing home but I did not and could not shed a tear over him. I'm still in shock over 6 months later and don't think I will ever truly be able to trust another man again. They are out there and they are closer than you ever could imagine.

Neither did Ms Pelicot's husband.

I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Really sorry to hear that. Did you have a chance to confront him?

98% of rapists are men. The 2% who are women are almost all child abusers. Maybe because it’s not legally possible for a woman to rape a person so the conviction rate may be skewed. But let’s be realistic, the risk of rape from a man is a bazillion times higher than the risk of rape from a woman.

There are men and women that poison the other, does this mean because they weren't aware it happened it means all our husbands are wanting to poison us?

So our husbands are gping to commit every crime because other men do?

Women kill children at a far, far lower rate than men rape women

I agree. I think that most men wouldn’t want to think of themselves as rapists bc it’s ingrained in society that they are scum. And the typical rape scenario a lot of ppl think of is having sex with a kicking and screaming woman against her will. They can understand that is bad.

But I think that if the woman was unconscious and had no way of remembering and no physical harm done that she would notice, and would therefore be ‘unaffected’ by it - I think that the majority of men would do this given the opportunity with no recriminations bc as it keeps being pummelled into us - most men are obsessed with sex and are ‘visual creatures’. They can also compartmentalise very effectively.

If they saw a woman who turned them on and could have sex with her and be completely unaffected by it I think they would. I also think that the only reason they’d care about the woman being unaffected by it would be to ensure there are no repercussions - to them. I don’t think they’d honestly care about STD’s, UTI’s, mental/emotional distress…

Yes and he admitted it to me although tried to minimise it. After his death, I foolishly went through his search history and it was far worse than I could have imagined. Family are divided over whether they believe some things and because I don't want them to feel what I feel, I keep his admission quiet.

My DH never goes out & is always just sitting on the sofa at home, so I know for certain he won’t have done anything like that, at least in the last 15 years or so.

But from talking to friends who’ve been dating, and friends who’ve divorced recently, it would seem that the majority of men are driven to one extent or other by sexual obsessions around control and submission and humiliation and contempt. And/or they’ve been so addled by AI / webcam / anime porn they can longer engage sexually with a living human female in the flesh.

I don’t think we can ever know what someone else fantasises about, or what they would follow through on if the opportunity arose.

I also think we can’t even begin to imagine how much of men’s inner lives and energies are dedicated to the gratification of their own pleasures and interests. All that brainspace they won’t use for the ‘mental load’ is full of their overriding personal obsessions - and we’re lucky if it’s cycling and golf rather than, say, necrophilia.

No - as much as I trust my husband, I am also a shit sleeper who leaps out of bed at noises ready for a fight with a random burglar (usually the wheelie bin falling over in the wind).

Other signs like frequent UTIs, extensive memory loss, blackouts and so on are not and have never been a feature in my life, so I can be confident this isn't something I've experienced. Note this isn't the same as perimenopausal UTIs and shite memory, which I do experience now.

Gisele Pelicot couldn't have understood the reasons behind her experiences at the time because it seems such an alien concept - but her coming forward so publicly protects the rest of us by allowing us to see the symptoms and signs that she lived through to identify them ourselves.

It must be hard not to talk about it. Maybe counselling would help?

Giselles case combined with rape gang transcripts suggest many men are involved in group rape.

Thousands of young girls were groomed and raped by multiple men in rape gangs in the U.K. These men would contact one another and advise they had a child to rape. Brothers, cousins, mates, dads etc were involved. They raped together. (Transcripts of court cases are available online if anyone would like a link).

These will be men who are married. I dare not think what is happening in homes in the UK. Thousands and thousands of men will be involved. Not always via sex sites as the rape gangs know one another in real life!

Giselle is a very intelligent and brave woman. She visited the Gp with a variety of issues over 10 years. I am not naive enough to think a man could hide his perversions. I have no reason to think I am at risk. But I hope the Giselle case will make women think an unusual symptom could be caused by something more sinister. If I was getting odd symptoms I would weigh up all possibilities.

One newspaper suggested all women should have regular std checks even if married. I think this is important as cheating is seen as acceptable by too many people.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/gisele-pelicot-std-testing-rape-b2617632.html

@VoltaireMittyDream i agree.

This is what I think too I am afraid.
I also always think how many "lovely husbands" hit on me when I was starting out on my career in my 20s. I wasn't interested in them -no way would I want to be a party to an affair, and I was at work to work - but it didn't stop them trying.

Ive had two boyfriends that ive woken up to them having sex with me. Not sure ive just been unlucky or theres alot of men out there that just think they can have sex with you whenever pleases them.

Gisele Pelicot experienced a lot of unexplained physical symptoms that I have never experienced, and therefore no, I do not believe that anyone has been having sex with me without my knowledge.

I read today on fb about men not being protectors of women but protectors of other men. And that men in power who allow younger men to get away with sexual assault, were themselves younger men who got away with it by older powerful men.

Boys and girls have been segregated for generations in terms of sports, play, hobbies, clubs, even clothes and boys were encouraged to think of girls as weak, less intelligent, less able, less valuable. Girls and women are drawn to each other to offer and share in support etc and boys and men are encouraged to participate in sport where the emphasis is on competition but more importantly TEAM building and camaraderie. This is exclusive to other males in this situation and it makes sense that this mentality follows them into adulthood where they continue to view girls and women as ‘other’ and not one of them.

More emphasis needs to be calved on mixed activities - not all sport as physicality does present a threat to girls and women but there are hundreds of other opposites to foster the idea of boys and girls being equal.

There are a hell of a lot of men out there who don’t respect women and it’s very thinly disguised but most people don’t want to admit their dad/brother/husband/mate is capable of abuse.

No because, while he has his blind spots, I know from the way shows up in his many friendships and relationships with women he sees them as people foremost.

He is also totally respectful of my rights to make choices over my own body, including not having sex for several months while I was processing some previous sexual trauma.