Did you ever wonder about your husband after the Gisele Pelicot case?

[Seymorbutts]

I’m a lesbian (thank god!) so I’ve got no skin in this game but I read something on here earlier about the sheer number of seemingly ordinary men who participated in the rape of Gisele Pelicot. I’m assuming their own wives had no idea either. It’s not only horrific but got me wondering are most men actually like this, walking around pretending to be normal but actually have these sick fantasies they’re just waiting for the opportunity to act out? And that got me wondering if you’re married to a man, did the Gisele Pelicot case ever lead you to suspect your own husband could have ever done anything like this, if not to you, to another woman? If so, how did you cope with it?

It's OK to consider it but I think in reality it is the male of the species that is overwhelmingly guilty of sexual abuse.

Realistically, I'd rather be trapped on a desert island with 99 other women than 99 men.

I've never felt unsafe with my dh but better women than me have had the wool pulled over their eyes.

Realistically, I'd rather be trapped on a desert island with 99 other women than 99 men
What's the point of using an imaginary scenario to decide if which safe actions one should take?

I never ascertain risks of any sort based on sex only. If ai was lesbian, and my partner often encouraged me to take string sleeping piles and then woke up regularly sore down below with a weird feeling, I would question was is going even if my partner was a woman.

No because DH has never been transgressive, never ever tried to pressure me into sex etc, never behaved any less than a complete gent, no weird smutty humour, no checking women out when he’s with me, no dehumanising language around or about women (I’ve never ever heard him comment on a woman's looks, either positively or negatively). Just a good egg. I would be extremely surprised if he did something like that.

I was surprised that these cases have started popping up. It’s so foul and I’m just horrified at the husbands and the number of men who are parts of these groups, there seem to be a lot who enjoy drugging their wives. It’s sick.

I currently have a male partner, who I don't suspect, but of course you can never know for sure. If you actively suspected every man you met, you'd never date at all, or see a male doctor, or open the door to a delivery man, or even spend time alone with your brother/dad. You'd just be consumed with anxiety.

Given that women are warned not to leave their drinks unattended and not to drink anything they haven’t seen poured themselves, there seems to be a mismatch between what women understand to be a risk and what they believe their own husbands or partners capable off.

Cmon now, are people really this fearful of men? They think all men are doing this? I know for a fact not only would my husband not do this, but I know it factually as I’m the only one with access to the security cameras, no one can come in our home without me knowing and he ain’t getting high ladders out every night to cover them with a blanket.

yes women are warned, but not because every man and their partners are drugging women, and I feel natural caution is necessary, but this level of fear is really damaging for the person feeling it.

Well yes in the situation you describe you would be questioning it.

Nevertheless, people take calculated risks every day and I stand 100% by my assertion that I would rather be on a desert island with 99 other women than 99 men if my aim was to avoid sexual abuse.

This is just a calculated risk.

I think that you are being obtuse about this because clearly being with the 99 other women is the safer option.

I don't believe for one second that if you wanted to greatly risk the chance of sexual abuse you'd choose the 99 men.

I think you're just being argumentative.

I didn’t that at all. Odd that you seem to be trying to gaslight me , though.

I would never suspect my husband of something so heinous, however, I think there’s many, many women who would be mortified if they read their husbands social media comments/messages to mates or listened to men-only conversations in the pub for example. Not all men etc etc

Obviously Madame Pelicot was fooled by her husband but in retrospect there were signs something wasn't right like all the repeated infections and uti's she was having treatment for.
If someone, knowing about the pelicot case, had similar symptoms then they might look at their husband, but with absolutely no evidence or symptoms I think its unlikely your husband is routinely raping you (and inviting other men to do the same).

In answer to your question OP no I've never suspected my dh of raping me while I sleep and no, I don't think most men are into doing that.

No

Because for all the creeps in the Pelicot affair, there are so many more good men who are and will work tirelessly to find creeps like that, and stop them, and protect everyone else.

Why focusing on them and conveniently ignoring all the ones whose entire career si to help and protect and try to make sure these things never happen again, and all the simply decent men.

If I ever feel I am at risk of something for whatever reason, it's more likely with other men that I would get help.

Yes. Not my Nigel.
There's some cognitive dissonance going on for sure.
I suppose there has to be else no woman would have children. At least not by choice.
Apart from some very irritating posters who apparently think a person's gender doesn't matter, I find this infuriating BTW, men are overwhelmingly the class of people who abuse.

That's just a fact. We also know we can't always tell.
How many times have people - even their own family as some sick child abusers view their own kids as off limits-been shocked to learn about their own husband/father's crimes?

So given this we shouldn't associate with men at all but we do and the only way to do this is by saying 'other men bad, these men good.'

Even though we've no way of being sure.

Interesting question and quite frankly we should all be considering it because of the numbers of men involved in this and also the at Cornell where over 50 men knew but did nothing to stop it.
I don't think my own husband has the opportunity but if it was that easy to spot a predator then women wouldn't have married serial killers. If it was that easy to spot a lying toe rag, then these forums wouldnt be half as busy. If it was that easy to spot an abuser then we wouldnt have laws that allow us the headstart.

No. Nothing is impossible. This is happening very often, there are websites selling drugs to specifically be used to rape a drugged person, instructions on the correct about. Ms Pelicot sadly highlighted the problem but I have read countless similar stories since.
One in Dublin, a child at a sleepover, when he was arrested and had his phone confiscated he had countless videos abusing his daughters friends on different sleepovers, his daughter asleep beside them, drugging them both before bed,
Or the lady in the UK dying while being raped unconscious.
I think it takes a lot of manipulation and control, first making you think you are losing your mind, slow drugging.
The podcast REAL by Naomi had an eye opening episode on this.

I am so sorry to every woman on this thread who is sharing their experiences. You are amazing, wonderful women who deserve so much peace and happiness in life. I hope you’ve all found it or are on your way.

@TotaleclipseinFrance is it never reasonable to say that you don’t and haven’t suspected your partner or husband? Or that always a “not my Nigel” situation and falling foul of cognitive dissonance?

I can’t be 100% certain that my partner is not a rapist or abusing me in my (drug induced) sleep, but there’s no evidence for it, no suspicions that relate to it, very little opportunity for it, no evidence of behaviour or attitudes that might indicate a propensity and so on. On the balance of probability, my DP is not an abuser. Or is that just self delusional??

so if we follow your reasoning, "not my Sharon".

No child is safe, as proven by Eunice Spry to name one

We have no way of being sure that a baby won't be killed, or a child abused by a woman? You can google the list of women convicted of abuse or murder, and that doesn't include the list of the ones non one suspect.

Not my Sharon indeed.

I think we get the message that via lack of evidence, husband being an absolute brick, not my Nigel etc, that it isn't all men.

But I still think that a significant minority would try it, especially if they were sure they wouldn't be found out.

I once woke up during the night (I take Mirtazipine so sleep like the dead) and my ex was having sex with me.

I’m still not over it. I feel like a piece of meat whenever I think about it.
How traumatic for you, im sorry that happened to you.

Edited to say, as I've gone on reading through posts and other people have shared their stories, I am really saddened about how you have been treated by people who were supposed to love you.

I’ve never had concerns about my own DH, but it does regularly cross my mind that very likely there are men at church who are not who they appear to be.

Not because of Gisele Pelicot, though, but because of my own experiences as a child with my abusive F, and the awareness that my DM had absolutely no idea what was going on in her own home to her 2 DDs (my DSis and me).

So I didn’t need Gisele Pelicot as a wake up call, though I was deeply horrified to hear about her on the news.

no, it's not "lack of evidence"

"Men" are not a different species, they are people, same as us.
Some people are evil, some are good, the majority is in the middle towards the good.

That goady "not my Nigel" is boring.

I know some posters love picturing themselves in a dystopian reality, where the MEN hate us and are trying to exterminate or enslave us or something, but wake up, reality is a bit different.

Yes, some men are rapists, and others cry when they see a victim of abuse, others work non stop to improve women's health. It's just people.
Smirking at "not all men" is as stupid as telling a teen to always run and trust a woman because she's female and no harm can ever come.

Hear hear.

I've been lied to by some men,sexually assaulted by some men and been a victim of domestic violence by another man.

However, I've also met more good, decent men and in no way do I assume all men are abusers etc.

I find the misandry on MN from certain posters really dispiriting.

No.

No. My husband aged 71, hasn't been interested in sex for many years.

No but I did worry about some other men I know. I have an acquaintance whose wife I’m friends with who I’ve always found sleezy and vile, and after that I did wonder if he’s more than just a creep. I don’t know, there’s something else just off about him. I don’t let him out of my sight around my children or any children and keep him away from them as much as humanly possible. Maybe I’m crazy but he makes me feel physically sick and whenever I’ve felt like that in the past I’ve unfortunately been right.

Part of the reason I wouldn’t suspect my husband of anything like this is because he always supports me on things like this and believes me when I tell him I’ve got a funny feeling. He’s never tried to minimise anyone else’s weird or predatory behaviour and calls it out when he sees it. He has cut off friends for their sleezy antics as well which should be the norm, but most men don’t.