AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

Every thread the OP posts too always starts as well with "don't come at me" and some half arsed explanation about why things have gone so badly wrong.

Yes some children are harder to potty train than others but theres a big difference between a 3 year old still needing to be potty trained and a 4.5 year old in school with no additional needs and still in pull ups.

Someone made a comment about the OP being ND herself and while I'm never a fan of arm chair diagnosis, there is something off about how the OP writes about parenting. There's no personal responsibility. Any time theres the slightest inconvenience, more laundry, her daughter being upset she's back in nappies. Her daughter wasn't sent to preschool and the OP seemed almost completely oblivious as to that this was an option for her daughter or about the benefits of it. She seemed to completely think it was reasonable for her four year old to be in nappies and with a dummy and bottle and no realisation about why this was so inappropriate, developmentally wrong and no clear plan to help suppoet her daughter give them up.

I also fail to believe the school are as supportive and happy to change her as she makes out. Even when four year old started preschool it was made clear to us the importance they should be potty trained!

I think I may understand why potty training may be failing..!

I think you are sensitive about it because you know you need to step up as a parent and get your child potty trained. Yes, some children find it more difficult than others but you fully admit you should have made more effort and persisted.

As for changing your child in front of other people, this is totally unacceptable. You should be encouraging your child to keep privates private. By the time they are at school, they are old enough to take a pair of pants/pull ups to the bathroom and change themselves.

Stop babying your school aged child. They will never hit their milestones if you don’t encourage them.

@DearDog96 ive read your other threads and I think , as other posters have suggested you may have some ND. You are defensive and appear to rationalise the irrational. I know how hard it is to toilet train. My son , who has SEN (autism) was toilet trained at 3 y and 9 months. I was under pressure by myself to ensure this was done before he started school . You need to be really consistent on this .

I completely agree with your second paragraph too. It be interesting to hear from the OP why she found it acceptable to change her 4 year old daughter in the living room instead of the bathroom. There seems no concern for the dignity or privacy of her daughter, like everything else it's done for the convenience of the OP.

Before I started potty training my eldest at 2.5, I remember the health visitor telling me to start doing all nappy changes in the bathroom so he could get used to where weed and poos were done. It baffles me that the OP seems completely oblivious to this.

Unless there is a HUGE drip feed coming here about her being special needs then if your child is at school now and you haven’t bothered to toilet train her then that’s insane to the point of neglect! At what point do you actually plan to take off the nappies?? When she goes up to juniors? High school? Where do you draw the line because for the rest of the population that line was at least a year and a half ago!…. School is surely going to report you for neglect.

Any child going to school (assuming no special needs) should not be in pull ups. Totally unfair on the teachers. I think you need to accelerate the potty training process. This summer has been the perfect time to get her out of nappies.

There is another thread about a man whose life has been so dominated by his mother that he has never learned to do anything for himself. Thankfully he seems at least to be out of nappies but it strikes me that this is possibly a similar dynamic: parent doesn't truly want child to grow up and become independent.

Doesn't the father of the girl see that this is odd and wrong?

Your friend's comments were unkind and designed to humiliate your daughter and probably dig at you. Perhaps she thought it would be "helpful" to give your daughter a nudge towards getting out of nappies, but not the right way to go about it at all.

However, you were in the wrong by putting your daughter in a position where your friend was witnessing her being changed. It is really inappropriate and humiliating to do that sort of intimate task in front of someone else - however much your friend has "seen it before" - this is a private moment for your daughter, and she deserves more respect than whipping her pull-ups off in front of someone in the sitting room.

There is a good book by Sarah Ockwell Smith called "Gentle Potty Training" which would have some advice for this age. If it has got to school age, the situation is also pretty serious now and you should be getting some outside help - GP? Health Visitor? Have you checked there are no underlying medical issues making it harder for your daughter to learn this?

If you are all over this, getting all the help you can and researching how to sort this out, then YANBU. But if you are still half-arsing this and not making it a pretty big priority in your life to help your daughter with this, then you are failing her in this respect, and need to step up.

I don't think your friend's comment was necessary or helpful.

I do think you should stop changing your daughter in front of others. Apart from the fact that she's old enough to deserve privacy in toileting matters, it reinforces to her that being changed by an adult is normal and routine behaviour, which it isn't. She needs to make the association that toileting is something that happens in private, not wherever she happens to be when she needs to go.

The fact that she's still in nappies is a serious concern, but you know that. You have to take this in hand now. Your daughter deserves the dignity of not publicly soiling herself. It won't get easier, only harder, so you have to take it in hand now.

At the very least from now on you should stop changing her. Unless she has SEN she should be capable of changing her own pull-up when needed. Ideally you should take her out of the pull-ups completely, as children toilet train quicker when they don't have the security of a nappy. But at a minimum stop changing her, you are only making things worse.

Thank you. I’m shocked at all the people thinking the friend shouldn’t have said anything.

I don’t think the friend intended to be unkind and maybe could have worded it better but was probably quite shocked that a friend found it appropriate to change and expose the genitals of their child on the living room floor in front of anyone!

If my friend did this I would feel extremely uncomfortable and want to say something too. Even if the friend is a trusted adult it’s not safe for the child to think this is normal behaviour. If they need assistance, it should be as minimal and hands off as possible and in a private space.

Your friend should not have commented, its humiliating for DD. However we can't control other people, can we? All we can do is manage our own behaviour. The pull ups are a private matter that you should have never exposed to someone else, then it wouldn't have happened.

I think the friend was right to comment. If the op is too lazy to toilet train her child, someone has to tell the child for her own sake. This is neglect and abusive. The child will be bullied.

I’m interested to know why when you were in your living room you put another pull up on her. Why is she wearing pull ups at home? You are training her so she needs to be bare bottomed so she knows when she’s going! Do you have support ?

I doubt that the OP is going to come back now.

Have some.respect for your child's dignity and for your friend by changing her in private.

I really hope this is not real. I see OP has not returned to the thread. Maybe it’s some sort of rage bait.
If it is real, I suspect in 15 years we’ll have a Déjà vu moment where the horrendous thread featuring DoE is replicated to a degree.

I would of said something in that situation, I would be concerned if a child that age was in nappies without a medical reason.
You need to get a boot up your arse.

Your daughter will get comments from other children about being a baby etc. It's unpleasant for the teaching staff. I thought they wouldn't change nappies.

Your daughter may well have memories when she's older of wearing a nappy to school, imagine her asking about that. What would you say? Would you blame it on her? You need to get a grip, your parenting is lazy. Everyone else goes through what you do, re getting a child off a bottle, dummy etc saying no. You can do, it's your job!

Interesting that both OP's friend and her MiL have directed their comments straight to the 4 yo. Could it be they know the mother is a lost cause so no point talking to her about it?

You are training her so she needs to be bare bottomed so she knows when she’s going!

Surely that's inappropriate for a 4.5 yo, especially when there are visitors in the house. She should be learning that bathroom and bedroom are the only places you go without clothes.

It’s a few weeks away, but the October half term break is coming up. Focus on toilet training for those 9 days (including the weekend either side). At 4 and a half, she is old enough to crack it in that time frame. Good luck.

I see she is school aged is she not mortified to be changed in front of your friend? You need to do this in privacy. Although I agree she's far too old I would have thoit in my head not said it outloud.

My 7 y o dd is still in pull ups (autistic and demand avoidant) . We have tried everything and the OT has now said to do nothing. To leave it 6 months make sure there’s pairs of knickers accessible to her and then do nothing. In 6 months they’ll see us again and assess. It can be really difficult I hope you can find a solution for your dd @DearDog96

Op 8 long threads about nappies and your child.
You've been given tons and tons of good advice.

She should be toilet trained by now. You know that, your MIL & friend know that half, of MN knows that.

When are you going to actually do it?

Or is this all just a great big wind up?

From previous posts it does appear that OP is babying this child a little bit too much. Especially concerning as she has another baby now. Are they going to both be bottle fed and kept in nappies?