AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

I doubt a GP would be interested enough to make a paediatric referral for a four year old who has not been toilet trained (as opposed to not gaining control despite attempting). More likely they would be referred to a HV first to do a more general development assessment and to offer toilet training advice.

I’ve just read your previous post about your MIL. She is right. I think you need to take some parenting classes. A child in pull ups at this age is dreadful

Well I also can’t imagine any teacher changing her either? So are we saying she’s in a wet / soiled nappy all day? And no teacher has flagged this as a concern?

If your DD is in reception not only is she old enough to remember wearing pull ups. She’s old enough to remember being changed in front of other people. You need to do better here. She’s entitled to privacy.

I know. I am just saying that PP suggested it was a problem with development (which I don't think there is based on previous threads) in which case OP should make arrangements to have it medically assessed. Whichever way you spin it, OP is not doing very much to help her child. It is also rather telling that she is more upset about her friend implying she is a shit parent instead of considering that a friend may have upset her child with the comment.

get rid of the nappies and go cold turkey she won’t want wet pants

Having had DC (with SEN and without) who struggled to toilet train, this is untrue for many. If they have poor interoception then they are also likely to have poor sensory awareness of wet pants. Not a reason not to make the switch out of pull-ups but also not as straightforward as you suggest. (I also have a DC who trained very quickly).

Are you the poster who prioritised your own “comfort” over getting potty training done before she started school?

if so FFS stop posting. The girl should be out of nappies or banned from school end of

The girl should not excluded from education because of her mother’s poor parenting.

You kind of lose the moral high ground on whether she should comment or not when you change your child in front of her. I wouldn’t want to change my pants in front of someone else, give your daughter some privacy and dignity. Also, if she’s at school, she needs to know bodies are private.

OP your friend is right! Your DD is too old to be in nappies, and your parenting (in this aspect at least, but also if you’re still using dummies and bottles) is shit.

I know Gina Ford’s parenting advice is generally terrible but we found her book Potty Training in One Week to be a life changer, when our DS turned 3 with zero interest in getting out of nappies. Tell your DD that at half term she’s going into pants and there’ll be no going back.

It’s not fair on her to be so babied. The other kids will pick up on it and laugh at her. Do you want that for your DD?

Your friend was trying to help. OK she could have gone about it in a better way, but she’s right.

How old is she? Sounds like she’s too old to be changed in front of people. Start taking her to the bathroom from now on. Is it poos she’s having issues with on the toilet? Because one of mine went through the same thing. It was hard work getting her to go poo on a potty or toilet. But for wees she was great. Perhaps tell us more about it and we can all try and give advice.

Unfortunately TAs and teachers are forced to change children whose parents can't be bothered to potty train them.

it’s inappropriate to change a reception aged child in front of people. She deserves privacy and needs to be taught that certain things are private.

I do not think your friend’s comments were appropriate. They absolutely were not. But I do think that they might come from a place of being a bit overwhelmed (with you changing your daughter in the living room) and genuine concern for your DD. Because kids can be absolutely brutal!!

If I was the parent I’d be incredible concerned about someone changing / wiping my 4-5yo DD. Nurseries will be different as I’d imagine they have specific training re this. I can’t imagine a TA, or a teacher’s job being centred around this.

Regarding the impact of your friend's comments on your daughter, you surely realize that the other kids at school will be saying a lot worse? They will have noticed her toileting arrangements and probably seen the pull ups at some point.

There have been multiple threads with lots of advice. I think the OP only cares about what her friend said…

Leaving a child in wet or soiled pants all day would be neglect/abusive. Nappy rash is no joke. Even amongst toilet trained reception children and excluding SEN, there will be a lot of accidents.

The OPs DD is 4.5 years old. Unfortunately she has posted repeatedly but never seems to follow any of the good advice she is given. Her DD was still using a bottle and dummy after she turned 4, I'm not sure if that is still the case. This is why she's received what some will think are harsh replies.

Why not? Do you never leave a friend in your house while you make a cup of tea or something, or do you make them follow you to the kitchen? Do you go to the toilet with people visiting your house so that you’re not leaving them alone?
Anyway the child is entitled to privacy.

There is absolutely no harm in saying ‘Emily! I thought you were a big girl! Why are you still wearing those baby pants?!’

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that whole problematic ‘no harm’ statement.

Why do you imagine making a small child feel responsible for the actions and choices of her parent is anything but a shitty move?

Speak to the parent if you really must, but making a child feel self-conscious and ashamed about something like this is just bullying.

To be quite honest schools should do social services referrals for children who have no medical issues who are not potty trained by school age. It’s just lazy and entitled parenting and really winds me up - in my kids school there are 8 in a class of 30 not potty trained. They have to be taken over to nursery to be changed by staff who have intimate care approval which means the teacher is constantly out of the classroom and affects the quality of teaching for my children

Social services are already be drowning with much more serious issues.

I didn't say it was a good way to potty train a child. But the question was whether OP is BU to be upset with her friend. If she's going to change a NT school-aged child's nappy in front of other people then she's going to get comments. So I'd say the age is highly relevant. I can see the age has been figured out now anyway.

Welcome to the state of parenting in 2026. It's a disgrace.

Is your child wearing pull ups to school too? A lot of schools don't allow pull up wearing unless there is SEN. In which case if no SEN she will be using the toilet at school and if she is allowed pull ups she will be changed in a toilet or asked to change herself - in the toilets.

As she is school age (4 or 5 in guessing) she needs to be changed in the toilet not the lounge. She should be having privacy for changes for her dignity, especially as she is now no longer like everyone else her age as she is still in pull ups.

You say you are struggling with toilet training. Have you explored all medical reasons? You need to be asking GP to refer to continence team or pursue continence diagnosis privately. It could be weak pelvic floor/ bladder spasms/ poor bladder muscles ect - all which are treatable and would explain difficulties with toilet training but are not solved just by putting in nappies and pull ups. My own DD has urgency and frequency incontinence as a result of weak bladder and bladder muscle spasms when the bladder gets very full, she is on medication, pelvic floor physio exercises and continence training - learning to empty the bladder before it gets too full and spasms. She is pretty much fully continent both day and night after 2 years of strengthening exercises and medication as long as she has unrestricted access to a toilet. She would still be incontinent if I had not pressed for treatment and instead just stuck pull ups on her.