AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

The bar is so, so low. My friend was a social worker. She quit nearly a year ago because she felt children were being left in unsafe and dangerous situations.

The thing is though, schools can’t refuse on the basis that the child has no SEN as the vast majority of children with SEN aren’t diagnosed at that age.

Not only that but the child could think this is perfectly normal, when it’s not.

@DearDog96

Your friend's comments are a drop in the ocean compared to what posters have been saying to you on here for months, and possibly what the teachers are saying in the staff room.

At this rate, you need to grow a much thicker skin.

Arseholes, jerks and bitch?

Very articulate.

You need to take charge. If it's dummy and bottle that needs to stop. Your friend was wrong to criticise but you were wrong to change your child in front of them.

No but they will strongly encourage pants where possible unless there is diagnosed SEN or a medical condition that requires pull ups to be worn.

Most children who arrive in reception not toilet trained either catch on very quickly by October half term/ Christmas if they are NT or have no medical needs. It becomes very apparent that there is either SEN or medical need there if they are not improving in continence.

What is apparent is the huge gap that sure start and health visitor services post 1 year have left. There needs to be far more services (in the evening not just the daytime) for that age 1-3 available for parents that look at toilet training, sleep, behaviour ect. And continence teams should be accepting referrals and supporting building continence from age 3, not 8.

Toletting is in the bathroom. Including changing a pull up on older child. Never ever change her in front of other people she is not a tiny baby. The more you insist toilet matters are in bathroom the more she will associate pee and poo with bathroom.

Well firstly you shouldnt be changing her in sittingroom.
Secondly you should be encouraging dd to remove pull up and wipe herself and put new one on.
Thirdly at home put her in underwear and start training
Your friend was offering.some gentle encouragement to dd. Your taking it personally because you know you have been slack on potty training front.

A few things

• I genuinely think that your friend was trying to be supportive and helpful rather than judgemental, she knows you want your child to move out of pull ups. Much in the same way that at nursery there was a big dummy and bottle collection "for the new babies", your child is old enough to get the concept that it's time to move on.
• I haven't seen your other posts so I don't know your background on this so sorry if I've missed any info about your child having additional learning needs, a learning disability, or a medical reason for not being able to move on to using the toilet.
• You've not mentioned the age but another poster said that your child is in reception. I remember being in reception and wetting myself one day in school (we'd been told to put our hand up to get the teacher's attention and ask permission to go to the toilet but I had to wait for other children to finish getting help before the teacher got to me and gave permission, by which time I wasn't able to reach the loo in time). I was MORTIFIED. I was so embarrassed, I thought everyone knew and I was humiliated that I had to change into lost property tights that were a different colour to the tights I wore to school. Although at that same age I didn't have embarrassment over my body (happy to be on the beach in just my pants or shorts), toileting was a big thing. It's for this reason that I really don't think your child should be changed in front of other people or anywhere other than the toilet or bathroom. I'd imagine it will help her see that that room or space is where we do our weeing and pooing and and wiping and cleaning up.
• You've said you know what you should've done but are you doing anything at the moment? We've had huge problems at our school with the numbers of children starting the school nursery (3-4) without being toilet trained

You said in July 'we absolutely won’t go back to nappies'.

This is honestly very sad and concerning for your daughter. Agree with PP that if you can't expend the energy to train her you should at least be changing her in a private place.

exactly this. She's no friend.

Turns out DD is 26…

If she’s at school the other children will be using the toilets. So she needs to be shown how to remove her own pull ups and put new ones on. Other children are removing underwear to use the toilet why is she not removing her own pull ups. You shouldn’t be doing it for her and not in the living room.

Missing. The. Point.
The point is the daughter’s feelings not the prying!

I wonder is it might change your point of view to know that the child is in pull ups because it's "less bother" than trying to toilet train. The child is 4 with no known SEN. The child also has a bottle and uses a dummy at home because she makes a fuss when not given them. I'm assuming those things don't go to school with her. Having read the OP's many, many other posts about her daughter, it's clear that the mother really doesn't want her to grow up and that the child revels in being the beloved and indulged baby too. More worrying is that there is now an actual baby sibling.
I think the fact that the OP hasn't posted again on this thread shows that she's actually got her attention fix quite quickly this time.

I don't disagree with this.
However, I think the friend shaming the child about not being 'a big girl' and being too old for them is inexcusable. I'd slap the friend down hard for this. I can't imagine being so judgemental about a friend, or speaking like that in front of their child.

That poor kid. Also poor teachers. Who changes her at school? What if she soils herself at school?
And yeah, change her in private at least, if you can't be arsed to potty train.

Also the child turned 4 in MARCH! So is actually closer to 5 than 4 and not at all one of the younger children in the class! How mortifying for her to start school in nappies!

Also, @DearDog96why on earth have another baby when you’re doing such a terrible job of parenting your first??

Good friends tell you the truth! And anyway, you already know it's true! And as you've already said yourself, it sounds very much to me like she was trying to help by trying to encourage your little girl to want to get out of nappies. The phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" is thrown around a lot these days, but a lot of people don't seem to understand what it means, and think it's all just about everyone being nice, doing what the parents ask, and directly helping the parents. No. It has a very literal meaning. As in, yes, it's people helping out the way you want them to, but it's also all kinds of different characters interacting with your kids in all sorts of different ways. And very often, it's very helpful for children to hear a different point of view coming from people who aren't their parents. In your case, it's a trusted "auntie" who I'm sure loves your child, seeing that you need help and gently trying to encourage your child using a different tack. She's trying to help you out, and if a good friend can't do it, who can?

Some children respond very well to that sort of tactic. The friend is trying to help (and she's absolutely right!) Certainly not something to "slap her down" for.

age of child? I am sorry I have an older child that struggles at times with toileting. it is hard. No one needs shame.

She's not necessarily absolutely right if the OP's child is not one of the children who respond very well to that sort of tactic.

As soon as she is home get the pull up off .Is it the new norm now to send you’re kid to school in nappies ?
Those poor teachers didn’t sign up for this.
Lazy parenting at it’s finest,and don’t come at me with the all kids do it at their own pace .It wasn’t the norm when i was at school or my kids.
So parent you’re kids .

Your friend is doing the right thing. Absolutely disgraceful that the girl is in nappies in reception. Obviously different if she has severe learning disabilities.