AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

I don't think your friend was being mean, you know your child should be potty trained by now.

My tips, don't use a potty, put your child straight on the toilet, she is old enough and the potty on the floor is probably quite uncomfortable at this age. You can get toilet seats that have a child seat on top of them or a travel seat which is much more comfortable.

As soon as she gets home put her on the toilet and run the tap. That was the only thing that helped my daughter 'go'. It really worked. Get her to wipe herself.

You do not need to change her nappy. If she has just done a wee, get her to take the pull up off, in the bathroom, by herself, and wipe herself with the wet wipes, so she gets in the habit of wiping herself, and then she can put on new pull ups by herself. If you need to go over that is one thing, but put the onus on her. She is 4, not 2, she can do this herself.

Invite her friends round that do know how to use the toilet. Once she has a few playdates and the child needs to go to the toilet, goes to the bathroom by themselves and hears the flush then she might feel more inclined to be like them.

I've seen several of your threads. From what I gather there was a "plan" at the start of the year to get rid of bottles, dummies and nappies and it seems that hasn't been implemented at all. There seems to be a trend as well of taking very little responsibility for your child's development, adopting this hands off approach of just waiting until shes ready to give up things rather than you as a parent supporting and guiding her.

Everything seems to be everyone else's fault. There was a thread as well about your MIL making comments and now it's the friend. Even the threads about potty training showed a half hearted attempt as there was a lot of discussion from yourself how school staff would change her indicating that they were responsible rather than you herself for potty training her. I'm in my late 30s now and still clearly remember the name of the boy when I was six who needed his mum to come in and change him when he did a poo at school. My four year old tells me who wears nappies in school. All this hands off and burying in your head in the sand has done a complete disservice to her and set her up to be different from her peers.

I'm going to be brutally honest. Your feelings matter less than your daughters development needs. None of what you are doing is good parenting and at some point "shit" parenting actually needs to be called out.

The potty was mentioned before but the OP wanted to keep using it so that her daughter could use it in the living room and wouldn't have to leave the room or stop watching TV.

I've also read the OP's threads and agree with everything you've said here. Excuse upon excuse and not wanting to take responsibility for teaching her, it is certainly poor parenting. The OP said in July that she was making yet another attempt at toilet training but it was obvious that she wasn't taking it seriously because she kept saying that the teachers would change her at school. No thought given to how this would affect her DD.

Poor kid, this is doing her no good whatsoever. OP, woman up and do what is right for your child. Why on earth are you holding her back and trying to keep her as a baby?

I don’t think it was kind, or probably that helpful of your friend to make the comments in front of your daughter. However unfortunately I think you have to take some responsibility for having opened the situation for comment by changing your daughter in the middle of the sitting room right in front of her

Your friend is trying to help OP.

You need to stop with the pull ups. They work against training.
This isn't ok. At a certain point someone is going to flag it as neglect.

OP, are you the same person who was unhappy with Mil comments, earlier in the year? ( I can’t see previous posts, how can they be viewed please, anyone?)

If so, I thought you were going to crack withdrawing the pull ups ( and bottle/ dummy) before DD started school? Your friend was wrong to shame DD. But how would you like to be changed intimately in front of someone else? Doesn’t DD deserve any dignity and privacy? For not considering that, you are BVVU.

Your DD should have been changed in the bathroom in private
and yes you need to be more proactive in toilet training her

Nappies, bottles and dummies at this age with no medical needs? Disgusting neglect.

If the child has no special needs then really no reason she should not have been trained by now. My son was one of the youngest in the school when he joined school. end july born. And I managed to get him trained in time! It took serious effort, not like my daughter who learnt very quickly. But I still persevered to ensure that he was ready for school. You need to find ways to motivate the child and dedicate time to teaching them.

You do an "advanced search" using the username (I think, if you have a paid account, you can do from an option you get if you click the three dots in the right-hand corner of a post (but I don't have that).

Your friend is giving you the wakeup call but nobody's home.

You've got a lot of excuses but it comes down to you can't be bothered to do the work that comes with your growing daughter's developmental needs. You're holding her back by not working with her. Your friend voiced in front of you what other people, are saying about your daughter.

Has she been to the dentist? Look up bottle mouth if you wonder why you shouldn't be giving her night bottles.

You also ignored her privacy needs by changing her in front of people.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5516236-aibu-to-think-my-mil-should-stop-commenting-on-my-parenting?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5517918-is-it-ok-to-keep-a-bedtime-bottle-at-age-four?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Just two of many……

Many thanks.
I don’t have a paid account either ( but can now see how you can access previous threads using the 3 dots).

I find that really unfair on the teachers tbh. That can't be a realistic expectation.

Why is she in pull ups without a medical need? They're are shown to delay toilet training and hinder the process. Knickers and lots of changes of clothes are needed.

If she’s got no special needs, she shouldn’t need all this now she’s at school. She should be able to go to the toilet when she needs it. 🤷‍♀️. No wonder teachers are complaining about non toilet trained children starting school.

You've done OP more of a service in this post than probably anyone in her life has dared to do!

And incidentally that's probably what the friend was trying to do too.

Yes, that changes things. How are they still in this situation if she's already worked out that she left things too late?! Like you say, it's maybe an attention thing but I really feel for this child.

The bottle and dummy thing don't surprise me knowing that the nappies are linked to any SEN or ALN or disability.

She's doing her child a huge diservice. The bottle and dummy are proved to negatively impact on speech and language, on mouth, tooth and gum health and they say more about the OP wanted to keep the child a baby for longer rather than understanding that the role of a parent in to support and help your child with their development into fully functioning adult human beings and all the navigating, learning and adventures along the way. Yeesh.

Why are you changing your DD? Send her to the toilet and tell her to change herself - you're doing her no favours at all by changing her.

A child I used to nanny for was 3 and was having trouble giving up a dummy. Ger dummies had got old so we went to the pharmacy to get more. The pharmacist told her they don’t sell them for her size and she’s too big for them. I wondered if that would upset the child but she went home, threw her old dummies in the bin, and never asked for them again! I know that won’t work for a lot of children, but sometimes it might be just what they need - being told from someone that’s not their parent/caregiver.

I’m starting to wonder if this is either attention seeking behaviour by the mother (in real life and on MN) or if it falls into Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Whatever it is this child is not being cared for properly in terms of teaching essential new skills.
We’ll probably have posts in 14 years asking if daughter should know how to tie her shoelaces before university. That is if Mum will “let her go” by that age.
Very worrying and so very sad too.