AIBU to expect my partner to contribute more to household bills?

[CalmAquaEagle]

Hello, new poster to this. Background is...

Partner and I both work. I pay bills, house, cars, heat, light, taxes. I then pay most food and days out as family and most kids clubs. I don't pay for kids clothes/presents/holiday and partner travel to work.

Things being getting more expensive now so I have given up some hobbies as couldn't afford. Partner hasn't, and has quite an expensive creative hobby thats also good for mental health.

Partner was giving me £100 per month to help with bills, but has said can't anymore as has 35k of debt spent on some holiday but alot of creative stuff and we went through a period where we would see around 10-15 parcels from online auction sites a day.

Partner spends alot of time at creative hobby or researching it, I do most of domestic stuff now and get up early at weekend to make headway on that as work gets in way in week.

Friends say they have always paid a share of income as a rough percentage towards bills, not just one person getting, that's before sharing holiday expense.

Is this normal? Feel kinda trapped, nothing to show for 35k debt and everything gone up so much of late feels like I am cutting back but everything the same for partner.

How much do you both earn? Do you both work full time?

It sounds like you need to work out a fairer way to divide your incomes

How much do you each earn, and how much do you each contribute to the family outgoings?

You sound frustrated with budget and chore allocation.

From this description it’s not clear what’s fair.

Have you tried going through your monthly expenses and income, and figure out how much leisure spend you have each after all bills, and debt repayments are allocated? And also same for chores but keeping leisure time equal?

One earns 80k other earns 38k. Partner only pays car insurance, not tax, then some food shopping, then all kids clothes and holiday.

Partners debt is their problem unless it was for something you both agreed on.

Add up all your expenses and aportion it in the same ratio as your earnings.

Both wages go into the joint account, all bills and family expenses deducted from this, an agreed figure put into savings and then an equal personal
spends allocated to each of us for stuff like hobbies/clothes/socialising.

Sorry but what are his good points? I understand he needs to pay his debt off, but I assume that's a monthly amount. He needs to do that AND pay his share of the bills, and if he's not got enough for his hobby then that's tough shit. There's plenty I don't have the money to do!

He also needs to do his share around the house. Make a rota if it helps.

If he won't do this, you're basically living with a man child. Get rid.

@CalmAquaEagle Your post is not clear- or do you mean that you basically pay for EVERYTHING and your partner just gives you 100 a month?? Normally you would put in 50/50% on everything if you make the same salary so it sounds like he's a cocklodger?

Partner says that can't give any help at all now as worried about debt repayments, so won't contribute anything from now on. In sharing, says hates doing ironing and cooking as not good at it, and tired alot of time.

Never, ever do this with a reckless spender who built up £35k of debt with not much to show for it. Terrible advice.

Instead, both transfer money into a household account relative to your respective earnings, to cover all joint expenses.

In principle k agree with this. It in the current scenario that means OP would be directly taking on DPs debt and this will effect her credit score too.

OP, are you otherwise happy in your relationship? I fear you should get out now before this gets worse. You sound like you are living a mostly single life anyway

Does he make any money from this ‘creative hobby’? It seems to be taking up a lot of family time (not to mention money), so what’s the game plan with it? Turn into a side hustle then maybe even a main hustle further down the line?

If not, then he’s taking the piss and you need to cut your losses. Sorry.

Tbh I never understand how a couple can live together and share children and yet be so mercenary about money. If one is earning double what the other does, even more need to sit down and see what are family/home expenses, what are personal/fun expenses and work out how both of you can get an equal amount of enjoyment while also contributing an equal amount of work and support to the household.

Obvs if the higher earner is working more hours their contribution will be more financial than practical but with a joint income of £120k there should be more than enough for both partners to live well. Surely the whole point of having a partner is to improve each others lives?

Was £35k debt all due to the holiday/s? Who decided to spend this much and was it family holidays?

Why is everyone assuming the partner is a 'he'. The OP never said. I bet it's a woman! Keeping the sex hidden feels a bit goady on a forum predominantly frequented by women.

Sorry to be vague. I pay around around 2500-2700 a month on mortgage and food/bills etc. Partner did give 100 but stopped now.

Partner buys one holiday, not crazy ones at all, and gifts for family except expensive ones for children. Pays small food shops but not big shop and own car insurance.

Do you have children together or are they just yours?

How long have you been together?

When was the debt accumulated?

Do you rent/own the house?

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I guess it depends how much the holiday and gifts come to every year, but I suspect it’s a lot less than what he should proportionately be contributing to mortgage, bills and food.

Does the creative hobby make any money? Is he too tired to do housework because of said hobby? You need to put your foot down and tell him to stop being a manchild. We’d all love to shun adult responsibility to focus on “hobbies” but he’s got a family FFS.

Once the person on 80k has paid their current expenses - the house / bills/ food and the person on 38k has paid theirs - some food / car/ kids clothes/ holiday , how much per month is each person left with as their personal spends.

Either have a joint account, and agree how much "fun" money each of you gets to spend on things. Or if you want to keep separate ones, sit down and go through in/outgoings until you agree and both feel it's fair.

I think the question of what the debt is made up of is crucial here. If he’s making thousands of pounds of debt repayment each month and the debt was family debt that was agreed spending then it seems fair. If not, then he’s massively taking the piss

Guess the partner needs to go live on their own for a bit to understand the fairies dont just bring food and supply vital things like water and utilities.

Seriously, they used to contribute £100, and now wont? wtaf? is this 1984, how far do they think £100 goes?

throw this one back with the massive debt, the expensive hobby, the delusions of grandeur and the ick of selfish being non contributory.

How on earth can you get into £35k of debt when you earn £38k, only pays £100 towards bills, then clothes/presents for DC plus holidays? Sounds like they have a huge spending problem.

They're obviously also taking the piss with lack of weight pulling in the household unless they work far more hours than you, although this is unlikely from your earnings.

However, I'm enjoying the non specification of sexes, because so many people are tying themselves in knots about this, even though it's not relevant, although it could be one of those situations where there's your version, your partner's version and the truth.

Is your partner living separately and paying his own rent and bills there