AIBU to expect my partner to contribute more to household bills?

[CalmAquaEagle]

Hello, new poster to this. Background is...

Partner and I both work. I pay bills, house, cars, heat, light, taxes. I then pay most food and days out as family and most kids clubs. I don't pay for kids clothes/presents/holiday and partner travel to work.

Things being getting more expensive now so I have given up some hobbies as couldn't afford. Partner hasn't, and has quite an expensive creative hobby thats also good for mental health.

Partner was giving me £100 per month to help with bills, but has said can't anymore as has 35k of debt spent on some holiday but alot of creative stuff and we went through a period where we would see around 10-15 parcels from online auction sites a day.

Partner spends alot of time at creative hobby or researching it, I do most of domestic stuff now and get up early at weekend to make headway on that as work gets in way in week.

Friends say they have always paid a share of income as a rough percentage towards bills, not just one person getting, that's before sharing holiday expense.

Is this normal? Feel kinda trapped, nothing to show for 35k debt and everything gone up so much of late feels like I am cutting back but everything the same for partner.

Is an artistic one, no gambling or anything like that.

How much discretionary income do you both have? That's how DH and I work it

I’m going to guess crochet/knitting or sewing.

So what’s your response to those of us saying all joint expenses (including any to do with the children) should be calculated and split proportionally to incomes?

Why? Why are you getting up early to clean? He’s not pulling his weight financially, one of the things he could do to even things up a bit is be more responsible for household crap.
I think you know you’re being taken for a mug by this lazy chancer but you sound very passive about what is clearly an intolerable situation. This is my first LTB but really, you should, kick him and his debt, expensive hobby and shopping habit out, you’re not going to be worse off.

I tell you what we would all move in if for £100 a month or nothing we could live with you!

Why would you fully support another grown adult that's not your child? And even then adult children usually pay something.

I don't understand the lack of pride with people like this. Unless it's to push you into ending things?

Tbh, the crucial thing here for me is your partner needs to get their finances and spending under control. That is such a large amount of debt. Maybe they need to contact a charity like StepChange and get on top of it. You are supposed to be a team. I think they need a debt repayment plan. And after that, you need to look at a fairer distribution of finances for the household. The priority needs to be the debt first.

He’s taking the fucking piss, just dump him. What is the actual point of him?

This is not a boyfriend, this is a parasite.

The vagueness is anoying and I can't help feeling that there's some big "gotcha" coming where it turns out you're a man and she's a woman and you want to prove that if you'd said that up front the answers would be different.

But on the basics alone and in the interests of being fair - if you are paying ALL the bills and doign ALL the childcare and household tasks then you don't have a partner, you have a freeloader. In which case personally I'd suggest the relationship should end. Especially if you're not married as the freeloader would get no financial support/assets and if you are genuinely doing all the childcare etc, you'd be able to make a pretty compelling argument that the children should be with you more.

Also, as a family, when money is tight you shouldn't be racking up debts to go on holiday. Poor decision making all round.

I was going to ask this too.
OP hasn't said who's on the house deeds or if the kids are his/hers, but I can't see the point in keeping the leech around.

The sex is irrelevant, so not sure why it's secret, just leaves the posts clunky and awkwardly worded.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I can't get my head round getting into debt for a holiday.
I couldn't enjoy a holiday I couldn't really afford. But I was raised poor without holidays abroad or debt. Things seem to have changed.
Your DP seems like a liability OP.

You need a better system. Id be extremely worried if my partner built up 35k worth of debt.

Pay same proportion of salaries into a joint account and that then pays for all bills, holidays, presents etc.

Starting position for me would be to calculate total household ESSENTIAL outgoings and split according to (net) earnings ratio. Assuming your net pay is roughly £4,800pm and partners is £2,500 so that means splitting the essential outgoings so you pay approx 65% and partner pays £35%.

See how that works out and whether partner then has enough left to cover the £35k debt, with you perhaps paying somewhere around 15% of the monthly payment to cover your share of the £8k for agreed holidays.

Of partner then doesn’t have anything left for hobby, well then tough!

In terms of household tasks and childcare that should be split according to hours worked. If you both do the same then it’s 50:50!

If partner isn’t even willing to consider the above or at least start “negotiating” from that position then I’d be considering whether I wanted to stay in the relationship or cut my losses.

Why are you giving the bare minimum answers, it's like pulling teeth.

If you are actually saying your partner (male or female) pays £100 to live then you know fine well this isn't OK.

There’s literally nothing in OP’s posts to suggest this.

How many men wake up early to get on top of housework while their wife spunks time, money and energy on a “hobby” and disengages from family life?

The home ownership situation matters here.

You say mortgage, but is it joint tenants or tenants in common?

Or your place that they are not named on the deeds for?

I hope it's the last one because that's the easiest to deal with.

You know this isn't ok. This person is an overgrown child and bleeding you dry. Yea hobbies are good for mental health but adults have to pick ones they can afford after their bills are paid, that's life.

Find out what it would take to get rid of them, buy them out, be done with it. If you share ownership of the property that's only going to get more expensive the longer you allow equity to build up.

I assume you own the house and he pays you £100 rent. It's not v .much out if 38k. His debt is not your problem. Is the child your or his?

This is what we do. I couldn't imagine doing it any other way, we're a partnership.

I was describing what my family does, not necessarily recommending it for OP.

has 35k of debt spent on some holiday but alot of creative stuff and we went through a period where we would see around 10-15 parcels from online auction sites a day.

Your partner is a huge financial liability. You're subsidizing his lifestyle and there's kids? He only pays £100 a month? The fuck am I hearing?

Is he living in your place?

I wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole. He will drain you dry.

@CalmAquaEagle It doesn't matter whether you're male/ two females. The opinions still stand. You're being taken for a ride.

So he earns £38k and pays £100 a month to bills - not a week but a month

why isn’t he paying a % into joint account for all the things he uses

or he can move out and see if can find a place for £100 a month - which he won’t. Won’t even find for £400 a month

Chuck the cocklodger out!!!!

Amazing how men get away with this. Sit down, work out how much your bills are, and then tell him how much he has to contribute.
how is he going to afford living and paying h child maintenance when you don’t see the point of him anymore, considering he doesn’t contribute… at all