AIBU to expect my partner to contribute more to household bills?

[CalmAquaEagle]

Hello, new poster to this. Background is...

Partner and I both work. I pay bills, house, cars, heat, light, taxes. I then pay most food and days out as family and most kids clubs. I don't pay for kids clothes/presents/holiday and partner travel to work.

Things being getting more expensive now so I have given up some hobbies as couldn't afford. Partner hasn't, and has quite an expensive creative hobby thats also good for mental health.

Partner was giving me £100 per month to help with bills, but has said can't anymore as has 35k of debt spent on some holiday but alot of creative stuff and we went through a period where we would see around 10-15 parcels from online auction sites a day.

Partner spends alot of time at creative hobby or researching it, I do most of domestic stuff now and get up early at weekend to make headway on that as work gets in way in week.

Friends say they have always paid a share of income as a rough percentage towards bills, not just one person getting, that's before sharing holiday expense.

Is this normal? Feel kinda trapped, nothing to show for 35k debt and everything gone up so much of late feels like I am cutting back but everything the same for partner.

This.

bloody hell.

and he doesn’t even do his share of the housework and chores?

literally, there’s no point to him. He’s a weight around your neck

I listen to radio 4 and about 15 years ago You and Yours had a phone it about debt. This guy rang in in 30k of debt, blamed the lenders for letting him lie and came out with the line "my kids deserve a holiday"...no they deserve food, water, shelter, safety, love and education...

Im guessing OP is male

Sounds like shes taking the piss tbh.
You need to lay it all out on paper.
The financial split and the domestic split and tell her that either it is made fair or you're done.

Does the partner have any learning difficulties or mental health issues that may be affecting their understanding of what is reasonable?

Just wondering due to the obsessive hobby, the wild overspending on it and your mention that it is good for mental health.

You may need to be firm and explain very simply that giving zero money to the household is not on. Also try and see if you can find out exactly how much they are spending on the debt, could there be more than they are telling you?

This is not adding up.
You both need a serious conversation about how money is managed in your household.

It makes one wonder what the partner's redeeming qualities are, doesn't it?

What a stupid post low on details full of woe is me but drip feeding an £8k holiday when in debt. I struggle to believe you are on 80k doing the lions share of housework and childcare and partner is racking up huge debts on a nameless hobby I'd love to hear your partner's take bet she tells a different story either that or you are a complete mug.

How on earth has the partner managed to rack up so much debt when they must have a lot of disposable income to spend on their hobbies already! It sounds like they have a serious spending problem and I wouldn’t want to be with someone so reckless with money.

We have always had a joint account where all the bills and joint costs comes out of.
We decided what is a fair amount for us both to pay in. When we were young we put in 50:50. My partner qualified a year before I did so he was being paid £30k and I was working 1 day a week whilst writing my thesis so for that year we shifted to 75:25. Once we were both qualified and in similar jobs we have done it proportional to our take home pay. I'm currently out of work my partner pays for pretty everything but I have free reign on the joint account without comment or judgement.

You need a clear plan for finances and how they have arrived in the amount of debt they are in. Go through all of the costs for the family and fact in the debt but also address the discretionary spending that seems to have contributed to the debt and be making the family budget difficult

Intelligent enough to earn £80k but not intelligent enough to work out your own household finances without asking an online forum... I'm smelling fish! 🎣

The partner needs to contact a debt charity to get things under control. The repayments on £35000 must be huge and probably only cover the interest each month.

Trying to work out what kind of creative hobby costs so much.

Again, do you own the house jointly?

Oh my god use a pronoun somewhere in your post!

I know you’re trying to obscure the sexes of the parties but it makes it so hard to read, and also it’s always relevant.

Sorry to be blunt but you are letting them take the absolute piss out of you. What would they do if you split up? Would they become homeless bc they can’t possibly afford to contribute to anything and refuse to give up their expensive creative hobby? No, they’d work things out and end up having to rent/buy somewhere on their own - and they certainly wouldn’t be able to afford it all for £100 a month. The fact they’re not even willing to contribute that anymore is absolutely disgusting, I don’t know how they sleep at night. They should be ASHAMED.

You need to be having harsh words with them. Yes, you’re earning significantly more so your contributions should be higher than theirs but they should still be contributing their fair share. £100 a month is NOT a fair share, it’s daylight robbery. Mortgage, council tax, electricity, water, internet, food, etc etc; why do they think it’s reasonable to only contribute £100 to all of this and then backtrack on that too? The audacity and disrespect for you is astounding.

Sit down with them and go through the finances and if they have to quit their hobby (like you’ve had to) then sorry, tough shit. I can’t afford to do half the things I want to do in life - I certainly wouldn’t let my DH feel so terribly alone and skint and foot the bill so I could!

They are taking the piss out of you. You have the power to stop this and you need to for the sake of your own happiness and mental wellbeing.

His creative hobby sounds like a gambling debt

Your partner is taking the absolute piss. He needs to man up and pay his share. So his hobby is more important than looking after his family. That’s just pathetic.

I’m assuming OP is a man whose career has not had any restrictions, and the partner who is a woman has birthed and raised his kids and found a job that fits around that…

I hope the mortgage is only in your name ??? The house is yours as you’ve got paid for it!! Frankly can’t understand why you’ve put up with a cocklodger using you for so long! He’s built up his own debt as that £8000 towards holiday can’t be put onto you at all as he’s paid pretty much nothing towards mortgage / rent / bills/ children etc!! He’s a sponger and the fact a grown adult thinks this is acceptable to behave like a leach - there is no other word for it! - is mind boggling!!

make sure the house situation is sorted and the mortgage and house is in your name and prove to the mortgage company that YOU and YOU alone have paid for the mortgage and he hasn’t put anything in! £100 a month doesn’t even cover a date night or snacks for the kids!

So he's basically resigned from sharing household tasks and expects you to accept that? Absolutely not on, resign from his washing, ironing and cooking his meals for a start, and anything else you can think of that you do for him

So partner hasn't considered that maybe you are "tired" from being responsible for almost everything? 🙄

As a pp wrote, partner needs to cut down hobby expenses.

You only put up with what you are willing to accept ……..

RUN

On your salary you have the freedom to lose this deadbeat .

Honestly if I was paying all the bills and DH told me he had £35k debt is wasnt aware of that would be divorce territory

So he earns 38k.. he pays for his car and a holiday and presents for the kids. And has amassed 35k of debt..

And you pay mortgage, bills and food and do the bulk of the housework becuase he doesnt like to iron or cook?

Jokes aside what do you see in him? Because hes a user. £100 a month is less than I paid in board 15 years ago earning significantly less than 38k

You know 8k of the debt was a holiday you both planned but why if he has so little financial responsibility did it become debt? Hes selfishly spending all his money on himself when you have a family, and isnt even willing to do his share of the housework.

Youd be better off without him. Not just financially.

In what respect is this leech a partner? I think the technical term on MN is cocklodger.

Find out his outgoings and income, make a spreadsheet of bills/income/chore allocation and present it to him.
That's what I did when I suspected my bills and chores were unfairly allocated with ex.
I made pie charts 🤣 got my point across!
Found out he was basically scamming me.