AIBU to expect my partner to contribute more to household bills?

[CalmAquaEagle]

Hello, new poster to this. Background is...

Partner and I both work. I pay bills, house, cars, heat, light, taxes. I then pay most food and days out as family and most kids clubs. I don't pay for kids clothes/presents/holiday and partner travel to work.

Things being getting more expensive now so I have given up some hobbies as couldn't afford. Partner hasn't, and has quite an expensive creative hobby thats also good for mental health.

Partner was giving me £100 per month to help with bills, but has said can't anymore as has 35k of debt spent on some holiday but alot of creative stuff and we went through a period where we would see around 10-15 parcels from online auction sites a day.

Partner spends alot of time at creative hobby or researching it, I do most of domestic stuff now and get up early at weekend to make headway on that as work gets in way in week.

Friends say they have always paid a share of income as a rough percentage towards bills, not just one person getting, that's before sharing holiday expense.

Is this normal? Feel kinda trapped, nothing to show for 35k debt and everything gone up so much of late feels like I am cutting back but everything the same for partner.

The debt is made up of around 8k of holidays. We took that decision together. I have no idea where the rest came from, small chance it's helping another family member who saw a tough time, but won't be much. The bulk will be hobby, and a huge volume of online shopping orders.

Jesus Christ. I hope he’s got a gold plated cock that delivers multiple orgasms on demand as otherwise he needs to GetInTheBin. I’m sorry but he’s taking the piss big time expecting you to carry the load while he spaffs HIS money up the wall.

We live in same house.

Nothing about this sounds like a partnership.
You need to prioritise yourself and your child.

So you earn 80k and he earns 38k?

you need to sit down and list out all the bills and costs you are both liable for vs how much income do you both have after tax.

Sounds like some of the debt was joint debt but it also sounds like he has almost nothing to spend his wages on? You need to both understand where all the money goes.

or, cut your losses and bin him.

Correct, I have pushed on a pay increase at work so hoping will get something as not had a small rise last year and taken on more responsibility.

Sounds like you're housing a teenager. I'd probably tell him to keep his £100 and leave his keys on the way out.

I don’t understand how you got here, how the fuck is he getting away with contributing so little? You sit down and do a proportion split and whatever portion of that is joint debt you also pay towards. Whatever he’s racked up on hobbies etc is his problem. Go through his bank statements with him as well. You have another child.

Personally I would struggle to feel affection for someone so useless.

Why is everyone assuming OP is a woman and the DP is a man?

Good for you. Hard to see what he brings to the table given his poor money management and his dislike of household chores?

Well most posters are female so that tends to be the default but I think the advice stands either way tbh.

Why does everyone assume partner is male? I think the partner is female; the OP could be male or female.

OP, you need to discuss this. Who decided 100 per month(?) was a reasonable contribution from 35k? Clearly you can’t go on like this - would you be willing to split? I would. But maybe you are more tolerant than I am. Regardless of whether your partner is male or female, they need to pay more in. If they don’t, you need to be ready to walk away.

Are you both on the mortgage?

Because it's not the case and there's a big 'reveal' coming

£100 a month is a piss take on £38 K

That is not far.

Collate all household build together and look at your take home pay
if you earn 2/3 and he earns 1/3 and the total bills and mortgage are 999
he pays 333 and you 666

how will afford to live when you kick him out?

I didn't mind paying for everything at one point. Salary was good, and mortgage rate was super low. Then that came off to a new more expensive deal, and things started going wrong on house and car repairs. It's my fault that got to this, as I said as long as a pay a holiday then its ok. Then my salary hasn't gone up, and all expenses seem to have gone through the roof. Was getting £100 for last 10 months and silly but does help, if anything it's the gesture and thought rather than the absolute amount.

I feel very very alone. Last month I have been getting up at 7 ish at weekend to catch up on things before taking kids to clubs in day, then back on it in evening.

God, it’s hard to squeeze important info from you. What is the house situation: mortgaged? Rented, and in whose name? Any cash sunk into it? Is he the children’s father?
Mind you even lacking data it looks as though you are being seven kinds of mug here, and he is exploiting you in the most extreme fashion!

I think if anything, I'd go with the OP being male and the partner being female, or possibly both are women.

If it's a woman being taken advantage of by a man, they usually say so from the start.

If the OP is male, his assertion that he does most of the domestic stuff is probably off, but that still doesn't mean that it sounds like the OPs partner isn't taking the piss in their relationship, whatever sex they both are.

I assume you are male and your partner female?

Whichever way around the sexes (or if same sex), the partner is taking the absolute piss.

This man is taking you for an absolute ride. I can’t believe you’ve had children with him.

I used to pay more than £100 a month as a teenager with a part time job.

You would literally be better off financially without him. One less person using gas electric and water and you’d be able to claim the council tax discount.

It's a ridiculously low amount for your partner to pay. And now they have stopped?

My 20 year old son pays £200 a month board and lodge to us - which is an absolute token amount towards his food and share of gas/water/electric. Our mortgage is paid off.

He realises that he's getting a bloody good deal for £50 a week and that he couldn't afford to live anywhere else for that cost, food and bills included!

Your partner on £35k a year needs to sit down with you and you both go through what the debts are, how much is being repaid and then work out what they can contribute towards the family. I think you both should be paying off the debts as a percentage of what you earn perhaps, but they shouldn't have 'spare' money for hobbies whilst contributing nothing. Neither should you be struggling.

On the salary you are earning you should have money to spare if you are paying about £2700 on mortgage/bills/food, however. How much net do you bring in?

Why are you calling him a “partner” - he’s clearly not!

Stop letting yourself be taken advantage of.

Ultimatum time - if he wants to continue to live with you (good luck to him finding somewhere else to live as cheaply!) then he has to show you his monthly income and outgoings.

Sit down and work out monthly household costs (mortgage, bills, food, kids expenses etc) Let’s say it’s £3k per month. Then you both pay towards that proportionate to your income. Let’s say his take home is £2.5k per month and yours is £4.5k. That gives a total monthly take home of £7k and of that 64% came from you and 36% came from him. So your £3k monthly household bills should be split 64/36 meaning you pay £1,920 and he pays £1,080. That should still leave him plenty to pay off his debts.

ETA - the same whichever way round the sexes are.

Indeed - there is a clear reluctance to say he/she. I therefore assume poster is male. Why not just be upfront?

What is their expensive hobby??? Gambling???