AIBU to tell my son to delay resigning from commercial law?

[MyOchreOtter]

AIBU to have told my 25 year old son not to hand in his notice just yet?
He graduated from Cambridge with a land economy degree, did one year of law conversion and went straight into a commercial firm in London after whilst completing his SQE, he has completed that and is now a newly qualified solicitor, he's on 86k says money doesn't even make him happy, he thought it would.

This weekend he came home and told us he feels like he has "wasted his life". He was quite down about it and kept saying that he should have done something different years ago. The thing is, he has always been very driven. He did well at school, worked incredibly hard to get into Cambridge and then found himself in another very competitive environment there. I think he has got used to measuring himself by how well he is doing, so now that he doesn't particularly enjoy his job he seems to see the whole thing as a failure. I said to him that if he genuinely doesn't want to be a solicitor then he absolutely shouldn't stay in a career he hates, but I don't think he should resign this week while he's feeling like this. I suggested he take some annual leave, come home for a bit if he wants to, and spend a few months thinking about what he actually wants rather than making a decision because he feels he has somehow failed. He said I was just trying to talk him into staying in law and that I don't understand how unhappy he is. His dad thinks I should stop interfering and simply tell him that if he wants to leave, leave. I am torn because I don't want to push him into law, but equally I think there is a difference between genuinely wanting a different career and being disappointed that the career you worked towards isn't making you happy. He is only 25 and keeps talking as though he has missed his chance to do anything else and that his life is over, its barely started at 25. I have told him we will support him if he wants to change direction, including coming home for a while, but I'm wondering whether we have actually made things too easy for him over the years and should now let him work this out himself. Our daughter on the other hand is loving life, graduated from Durham this year read Theology and absolutely loved it has no interest in working in the corporate world as she puts it, she works as a cheesemonger twice a week and is currently doing a masters at UCL in something so 'silly' but regardless we want her to be happy so we are happy to pay for her masters.

AIBU to ask him to slow down and think before quitting, or should I just leave him to make his own decision?

Does he say what he’d rather do instead?

Hmm tricky! I’m 34, probably erred slightly more towards your daughters way of thinking and do often wish I’d pulled my finger out and focused on a career with better earning potential.

To an extent you do have to let him get on with it, but if you want to pass on some words of wisdom from someone a little older than him, I would say most jobs get tedious/ boring/ stressful after a while even the ones people pursue for ‘passion’… whereas having money will always give you options!

If he has bills, rent etc... then it is sensible advice to not hand your notice in until he has another job. Its a bit extreme him saying he has wasted his life so far though as clearly at 25 he is still so young. Sounds like he is having a bit of a crisis over future path to take which is quite normal. Taking a break to think things through is also a good idea. Id give him this advice and then stand back. Id be a bit concerned if he was planning to come home and wallow about your house without paying his way though.

I think it would be a shame to resign without having a plan of what to do next, but if he really wants to it's clearly his choice.

Does he want a career change? Or just a career break? Could he continue working while making some plans for the future, whether that's in law, in another field or even travelling for a while to get out of the rat race and de-stress?

Would he listen to you? It would seem a bit odd if you asked a 25 year old not to quit and they just did as you advised.

it sounds like he needs more conversations and support rather than panicked demands (although I totally see why you would want to make panicked demands)

He should keep working while he decides what to do next but realistically it’s his choice.

There was a thread about qualifications and salaries and such as advice for our children on here the other day; I commented about working hard all through school, college and university leading to burnout when you realise all you have earned is more years of slog. I also went to Durham and went your daughter's route (not a masters but have done different jobs and tried different careers). I may not be able to afford to live in London but combined with DH's salary we are pretty comfortable.

I would give him a soft place to land while he decides but I assume he'd have to leave his current firm either way if he wants to come home for a few months.

I think it is just a crisis. I don't think deep down he wants to quit, he has worked so hard to get to where he is right now and its only the beginning. I think reality has hit him and he has realised he is an adult he can't just be on 'cruise mode' Regardless of what he decides we will support him but I don't want him to make rash decisions

You already have tried to persuade him though, and he has set out why he disagees, so why are you asking? Imo you have already done what you are asking if you should now do, there's no point going over it again unless you have something significantly different to add to what you said the first time.

25 is a fully grown adult with a full frontal cortex, in my opinion that is old enough for him to decide and make his own mistakes.

I’d be advising him to save as much money as possible and to have an aim of leaving, help him understand that not everyone can earn that salary and it’s a massive advantage to do so as it may well fund a change in the near future!

I think the reality of working life hits quite hard around that age for lots of young people. They work so hard to get these jobs (I have a son working in a City firm in corporate law so know what it cost him in effort), but ultimately, a lot of work is quotiedien grind and that takes some mental adjustment.

You're wise to urge not doing anything rash, but perhaps making a plan, perhaps giving himself another year there before he hands in his resignation if he still wants to?

MIght it be worth talking to HR? They take a lot of time and trouble selecting candidates and would surely want to know if there's something they can do at this early stage to help? Or would that be regarded as a bit risky?

My son graduated from Exeter with a First, did 5 years in London in the corporate world then resigned and became a Royal Marine. He’s very happy, despite now earning in a year what he used to earn in a month. Do encourage him to take time to mull it over, then support his choices…he can always return to law.

"he says that I don't understand how unhappy he is" - I would take this seriously. It sounds like he is having a real crisis. Yes from our perspective as older adults, it makes perfect sense not to rush into a hasty decision, and think carefully about next steps. But it sounds like he is quite distressed. Could you suggest he takes a couple of weeks off work (either annual leave or sick leave) and finds a therapist to talk this through with?

It sounds like perhaps in the family he has fallen in the role of the achiever, and his sister is more happy-go-lucky. I would want to reassure him that just because he has always been on the academic/professional route, that doesn't mean he has to stay there.

He certainly wouldn't be the first person to train as a lawyer and then decide he hates it. Better to identify this early rather than late in my opinion.

If his MH is very poor I’d be careful about pushing him.

I think the advice to slow down and think is good - in part because he needs to really know why he dislikes the current role. Does he hate the work of law - in which case some advice about careers he could move into would be helpful - or does he just hate the work/culture at his firm?

But I don't think you're the person for him to have these conversations with.

FWIW, I think if you're academic and high achieving, it's quite easy to feel like you should go into a career like commercial law, without really thinking if it actually makes you happy. Your son needs to think about the kind of life he wants as a whole - not just about what he can achieve - and that can be quite hard when you've been through school and university where its all about jumping through the next, higher hoop (I speak from experience).

He has saved up quite a bit of money because he is always working the 86k is just the base salary, he had a bonus recently, it was taxed but still quite a lot of money. He always thought money would make him happy but he has realised that is not the case. He knows it is a massive advantage but he did not do it for just for the money, that is just the salary big law firms pay he sees it as pennies considering how much his managers etc make.

Frankly, is he planning to have a more relaxing life on a salary probably 1/3 of what it is now? Does he honestly think that it be less hard working in a job which is academically boring to him with random shifts, AI nipping at his heels etc? He needs to stick at it a little longer; my DB in a corporate and very well paid career went down to 3 days a week and does voluntary work the other two which still leaves him significantly better off than if he'd have become full time in the industry he volunteers in (social justice).

We have talked to him about mental health and he is self aware enough to have been to the GP and has talked to his manager about how he feels, I think he will be able to take some time off work and figure things out, they don't want him to quit as he is good at his job but also his mental health does matter too

The thing is, if he is qualified as a solicitor he could always get back into it, he will always have that. He is young and has been on a huge treadmill. It's also much easier to change now than when he is older with more responsibilities.

Commercial law can be absolutely the worst combination of boring and stressful. Law firms themselves can be pretty toxic places to work. Been there, done that...

Also many demand very long hours and you only have your 20s once. I managed to find a firm that was more balanced, less money than the US firms but I got a life outside work. I agree with him that money isn't everything. I've also avoided anything very city/corporate focused except as a means to an end. I am not motivated by making very rich people richer.

I'd encourage him to see what else there is out there and what life has to offer. There are many other ways just to practice law for starters.

I agree with this, it sounds like he is feeling quite trapped by his choices "I've wasted my life" and that is a real red flag for MH.

I'd also note that his sister is being allowed to live out her dream and getting a "silly" Masters paid for. That's not a criticism of you, OP, it sounds like this is what both DC wanted up until now. But if it were my son, I'd really be stressing that the options open to his sister are also open to him, and it's fine to quit if that's what he wants to do.

I think I would advise him to have a few sessions of coaching or therapy to work out what would feel satisfying. He's at a turning point in his life, and 25 is a great age to reassess and start again if necessary.
Yes it makes sense to stay in his job and keep earning until he's decided. But he may quit whatever you say; he needs to make his own decisions now.

I think today's generation often get caught in this trap, they are encouraged to think about the destination, achieve high early, and aim for high paying jobs. Your son is a success on paper, but he's not enjoying it, and that's ok. I would try to listen rather than advise, it's not up to you anyway, I have a tendency to tell my children what to do instead of listening, but they respond so much better when I do listen and they often then work out the solutions themselves.

He may be getting depressed, he may be having a much needed re-set, he may be burned out, who knows but he will work it out for himself and if he's got himself this far, he can afford to take a bit of downtime and work out his next steps in life.

It's interesting that you are quite happy with your dd working in a cheesemongers twice a week but you want your son to stay in commercial law which is brutal and may feel pointless to him. He needs to learn himself to live a more relaxed life and make his own choices, not those set by society and perhaps you can be a sympathetic and supportive ear to all of this.

ex magic circle lawyer writing. the firm would have spent an absolute fortune recruiting and training him. They won’t want to lose him. Most firms now will work very hard to try and find something that’s workable for him. They work with occupational health, psychologists and career coaches. It might be they can find a non-fee earning or other role within the firm for him or agree a sabbatical.

Every year under his belt now gives him more choices (experience and money) in the future to follow his passion

No one has ever expected him to be a high achiever. All we have ever done, from prep school onwards, is give him the opportunities and tools to do well, but there has never been any pressure or expectation that he had to achieve a certain level. Even when he applied to Cambridge, it was entirely his decision and something we never suggested or pushed him towards. We are taking what he is saying seriously and have spoken to him about his mental health and how important it is that he looks after himself. Ultimately, I don't care whether he stays in law or does something completely different, I just want him to be happy and to understand that changing direction at 25 isn't a failure. In the environment he is in everyone is a high achiever so to him at 25 he feels as though he could have achieved more etc. Corporate law will eat you, chew you and spit you up it is a tough world and we understand that and are being as sensitive as we can.

I definitely wouldn’t be trying to persuade an intelligent hard-working 25 year old man that the only life available is the grind for either more or less money. The reality is that’s not true for everyone, and with good qualifications and what sounds like a supportive and well off family he is in the lucky group of people who can try to find a path that they love that also pays well (enough), at least after a while. He sounds like he’s in a great position to pause, consider the wide range of options open to him, and take steps in whatever direction he chooses. He completed a demanding qualification, and has enough savings to move in a new direction if that involves further training or unpaid volunteering. Support him finding out what he wants to do with his life, don’t sap his spirits further.