AIBU to tell my son to delay resigning from commercial law?

[MyOchreOtter]

AIBU to have told my 25 year old son not to hand in his notice just yet?
He graduated from Cambridge with a land economy degree, did one year of law conversion and went straight into a commercial firm in London after whilst completing his SQE, he has completed that and is now a newly qualified solicitor, he's on 86k says money doesn't even make him happy, he thought it would.

This weekend he came home and told us he feels like he has "wasted his life". He was quite down about it and kept saying that he should have done something different years ago. The thing is, he has always been very driven. He did well at school, worked incredibly hard to get into Cambridge and then found himself in another very competitive environment there. I think he has got used to measuring himself by how well he is doing, so now that he doesn't particularly enjoy his job he seems to see the whole thing as a failure. I said to him that if he genuinely doesn't want to be a solicitor then he absolutely shouldn't stay in a career he hates, but I don't think he should resign this week while he's feeling like this. I suggested he take some annual leave, come home for a bit if he wants to, and spend a few months thinking about what he actually wants rather than making a decision because he feels he has somehow failed. He said I was just trying to talk him into staying in law and that I don't understand how unhappy he is. His dad thinks I should stop interfering and simply tell him that if he wants to leave, leave. I am torn because I don't want to push him into law, but equally I think there is a difference between genuinely wanting a different career and being disappointed that the career you worked towards isn't making you happy. He is only 25 and keeps talking as though he has missed his chance to do anything else and that his life is over, its barely started at 25. I have told him we will support him if he wants to change direction, including coming home for a while, but I'm wondering whether we have actually made things too easy for him over the years and should now let him work this out himself. Our daughter on the other hand is loving life, graduated from Durham this year read Theology and absolutely loved it has no interest in working in the corporate world as she puts it, she works as a cheesemonger twice a week and is currently doing a masters at UCL in something so 'silly' but regardless we want her to be happy so we are happy to pay for her masters.

AIBU to ask him to slow down and think before quitting, or should I just leave him to make his own decision?

Good. He needs some space to think about what to do next.

He's 25, fairly newly qualified. The typical advice for solicitors who are unhappy is to change firms as culture is very different. There's also time for him to change practice area.

Maybe a gap year may be an option if he feels he has wasted his time. Maybe some FOMO? I know a few solicitors who took a gap year then went back to being a solicitor (albeit all left large firms and went to smaller firms/in house).

Our son has never been forced to do anything. We have always told him we would support him in whatever he wanted to do, and we would. He has just naturally been a high achiever from a very young age and has always pushed himself. Even when he was home this weekend, he was looking through all his old certificates, medals etc from school, and I think that says a lot about where his head is at. He knows how hard he has worked to get where he is and I think that is partly why he is feeling the way he does now. He keeps saying, "Is this it?" I think he expected qualifying to feel like this huge achievement and to give him some sort of buzz, but now it has happened and he is finding that there isn't really a next mountain to climb. He has always thrived on that sense of challenge and achievement, so I think he is struggling with what comes after it rather than necessarily the job itself. He even said himself 'what else am I supposed to be working towards' I think the reality of adulthood has hit him

The fact that a young male - one of the most likely group not to go to the Dr unless absolutely necessary - has gone to his Dr because he is feeling so low is a huge sign that he is really really struggling.

Resigning now doesn’t mean he cannot ever be a solicitor again.

I think you need to listen to what he’s telling you, not just with his words but with his actions.

I'd be supporting him to get a plan. What does he think would be a better fit and how does he get there?

Also, is there anything else going on? Does he have friends, a partner, hobbies, a life outside work? The point of money is to live a good life, maybe he doesn't know what to do with it.

I wouldn't try and dissuade from leaving law, but I would support him with making some sensible plans/decisions.

As a start point, the job market is pretty dire at the moment, so he should try and get something else lined up if he can rather than just quiting.

Then I would try and get him to think about what exactly he dislikes. What is the career specifically vs the company etc. And is it just the corporate world? Those things will steer what he wants to do next. Or is there just an element of working/adult ingredients sucks. In which case he might need a bit of a reality check!

Again, OP, this is not in any way a criticism, because we all do it - but it sounds like you have a certain idea of who your son is (a naturally high achiever, somebody who pushes himself) and that's probably been how he has seen himself too. But now he's asking the question about what it has all meant, and whether he really is that person. I think it's so important to give him space and to let him know that you will love him whatever direction he goes in. It's really clear from your posts that this is the case, but children often struggle to believe it of their parents.

Not having a go at your parenting at all, you sound really loving and supportive, but you did ask 'AIBU to tell my son to delay resigning' and I do think YABU. This has got to be his decision and he needs to hear that you will support him all the way no matter way.

Are you sure there was no pressure to be a high achiever?

For example, does he know you think your daughter’s masters degree is ‘silly?’

I agree with this. I hear that you never pushed him and I believe that completely, he sounds very self-driven and has propelled himself forwards, but he's now struggling to know what it's all for, and that might be just your regular existential crisis, or it may be a sign that he's mentally struggling.

I always say to my children there are options. Always lots of options. He could resign tomorrow and rest for six months and then go back in, he could take a sabbatical, he could get counselling at work, he could jump off and start something else. I think the key thing is for them to always feel like there's choices in life and that you love and support them and you are happy to support them making those choices. Telling him to delay resigning is a little bit backing him in a corner and saying we think you should keep going in a stressful difficult place you hate.

Don't back him into that corner, but tell him you support him and love him whether he resigns or not. Chances are he will sort this out for himself anyway.

Resilience isn't getting what you want, it's getting knocked down, having an awful time, and then trying again later. He's going to have to learn this the hard way as so far, he's propelled himself through life, but it's taking a toll now and you need to just be behind him whatever he does. This is especially important for young men who often have a lot of shame in not being seen as conventionally successful, and frankly, there isn't the pressure on young women as your example with your daughter shows.

He sounds depressed to me. I think he needs to see his GP and perhaps get some therapy. I expect his corporate law firm is likely to be able to provide that as part of his benefits package.
it will help him with rationalising his position in life and whether he wants to continue the commercial law path.
It’s also possible to take career breaks for this reason. Would he be interested in a year out for a working holiday? Or if not that, perhaps a transfer to another office overseas for a period of time?

You see posts on here from teachers and the advice is usually try another school - this feels similar. Can he identify what the problem is and what would make it better? Is it worth trying a smaller firm, a more boutique firm that does something more niche?

He might hate law absolutely but having put in all the work it's got to be worth trying a few other options before writing it off completely? Then at least he won't spend the rest of his life earning £30k wondering why he didn't stick it out 😉

£86k for a newly qualified solicitor in London is mid-level, it's not bonkers hours or expectations. I'd advise looking for an alternative firm, the culture is so different team to team and firm to firm.
If he qualified in September, he's only done a few WEEKS post qualification! Walking out now would look really bad. I'd advise he find something else and / or speak to HR and ask if he can have some qualification leave (lots of bigger firms allow the juniors to go off for a year on qualification).

Good law firms often offer sabbaticals. I know someone who took six months travelling although that may not be on offer so early. Encourage him to talk, to his GP, to his firm, and to his friends. Don't advise him to stay, just listen. He will find his way through this.

I understand the burnout and lack of satisfaction from the high powered job at a young age. I have been there myself.

I would advise him to take his skills and start job hunting while still employed. Taking on low paid shift work will be harder in many ways. Pivoting to another field that uses his skills is the most likely path to happiness. He just needs to find one with a better work-life balance.

I moved from working as a corporate consultant to the non-profit sector. Same skill set, but my ethics aren’t tested and I have time for a personal life. It’s not a stress free job as it’s still a highly educated career, but it’s so much better.

My daughter calls her Master's "silly" and neither of us means that as an insult. I did a silly degree myself and then a silly Master's at UCL. When I say silly, I mean it in the sense that it is a bit niche and probably not what most people would consider a conventional degree. I am genuinely proud of my daughter. She knows what she enjoys and she has gone after it, which I think is exactly what she should do. When I was at university people said my degree was 'silly' and 'not a real degree' I just laughed because I know its not conventional. That is what I meant by silly.

My son has just naturally been a high achiever from a very young age. It isn't something we have pushed him towards. All we did was send him to our local prep school at 4 and he stayed there until 18. He chose Cambridge himself; neither his dad nor I went there, and his school supported him through the application. Who were we to tell him not to aim for something he wanted? We simply supported him. For his 17th birthday he asked us to pay for a summer school at Oxford, which we did. We didn't even know much about Oxford did summer school, he was the one that told us about it, it wasn't cheap, he even made a powerpoint presentation for us to tell us all about it and why he wants us to pay for it. He has just always been a driven person and now there isn't much to work towards.We assumed he would ask for a car or something similar, but no, he wanted the summer school. That's just always been him. He has always been very driven and curious, and we have never had to push him to achieve.

What about him taking a few months travelling? Seems he can afford it. Would he want to see the world and then realise he was OK at his job - although he may also decide to settle in Vietnam instead?

Is it the corporate world full stop or maybe just the firm he’s at? I worked my backside off for a large commercial law firm for years; the money was great but the work life balance and job satisfaction was non-existent after a while. I looked around and got a job with a mid-tier, well respected firm and it’s like night and day. Quality work but the flexibility and culture are much, much better. I took a small hit on salary but nothing significant and the trade off is completely worth it.

If he’s always been very driven and has a path in his head it’s likely a huge mindfuck for him if the job isn’t actually what he was expecting (in whatever way that is).

The more you post the more concerned I’d be in your shoes. Young men who feel like failures to themselves are amongst the most vulnerable when it comes to suicidal thoughts.

He needs to know that you don’t care what it is he does - be that high flyer or minimum wage - that all you care about is his health and happiness.

I’m not saying £86k is some enormous amount of money, and he certainly didn't go into law for the money. He has friends in London earning around £35k who are perfectly happy, so salary has never really been the motivator for him. His girlfriend works in consulting on just under 50k and absolutely loves her job from what she tells us. She has a law degree from Cambridge but chose not to go into corporate law, she started at a law firm after university but realised it was not for her. I think that is the point really, money isn't everything and I don't think he would be happier just because he was earning more, maybe a different firm but he has said he likes the firm, has even spoken to his current firm about how he is feeling so I assume he feels comfortable enough there to share that he is struggling currently.

Although I think lots of posters have already given good advice, I wonder why he thought money would make him happy and whether he is actually using the money to increase his happiness.

Money has drastically improved my life because my partner and I were able to buy a house in the countryside with some land rather than being stuck in a noisy town or city which made me seriously depressed. My partner is in law and negotiated working from home in his contract so he can basically live anywhere. He can go running on quiet country roads at lunchtime and enjoys being able to do manual labour in the garden to balance out his sedentary job. He also plans to retire early, which is only possible because he has a highly paid job. I look after the house and make healthy food for us so he doesn't have to worry about any of that.

It's hard to know yourself well enough at 25 to spend wisely on things that truly improve your life and wellbeing, but that doesn't mean that money won't give him a happier life in future. I also empathise with hating your job, though, and being a bit lost.

I think you all need to have an open discussion about finances. On the one hand, what sort of financial future does he see for himself? If he has a family, how does he see that changing? On the other hand, to what extent are you able and willing to fund him in his future? Will this be equitable with what you are providing for his sister? If he genuinely doesn’t care about money, or you are able to fund him indefinitely, then great. But if not, how does that impact his decision? Obviously you can’t force him to stay in a job in which he is unhappy, but there is a reason people get paid to work - it’s not just about self actualisation.

I think has a lot of alarm bells that he's really struggling -

He says "he's wasted his life".
He says "you don't understand how unhappy he is".
He's gone to his GP.
He's spoken to his manager.

No one speaks to their manager about their mental health unless they are really struggling. They try multiple things first.

Young men don't go to their GP unless they are really struggling.

This is not a guy who just wants a handy number. He's really struggling and appears to be having a mental health crisis.

He needs time off at a minimium. He's a smart guy. He just needs to recover.

I think you should be far more worried about him than any career right now.

My son exploded his life at 27 and was diagnosed with ADHD a year later. He is 30 now and doing great but the overwhelm he felt from the ADHD caused a burnout.

Ok now he’s had a change of heart. It might be permanent or not, or he might strive in something else altogether.

Or relax and take another route. I think this is where you step back, support and let him figure it out.

I’d encourage him to seek some support before making a big decision. They probably have some time of employee assistance scheme or if he’s got private healthcare see if could access counselling.
Does he have a mentor or any contacts in young solicitors group.
The solicitors charity may also offer support.
A sabbatical and time to just think sounds like what’s needed. SQE is extremely intense and then your first qualified role is hard when you realise you are it and not having things checked, own clients etc.
He’s qualified. Big commercial law isn’t for most people. You can be a solicitor in lots of different areas, in house, local government etc.