AIBU to tell my son to delay resigning from commercial law?

[MyOchreOtter]

AIBU to have told my 25 year old son not to hand in his notice just yet?
He graduated from Cambridge with a land economy degree, did one year of law conversion and went straight into a commercial firm in London after whilst completing his SQE, he has completed that and is now a newly qualified solicitor, he's on 86k says money doesn't even make him happy, he thought it would.

This weekend he came home and told us he feels like he has "wasted his life". He was quite down about it and kept saying that he should have done something different years ago. The thing is, he has always been very driven. He did well at school, worked incredibly hard to get into Cambridge and then found himself in another very competitive environment there. I think he has got used to measuring himself by how well he is doing, so now that he doesn't particularly enjoy his job he seems to see the whole thing as a failure. I said to him that if he genuinely doesn't want to be a solicitor then he absolutely shouldn't stay in a career he hates, but I don't think he should resign this week while he's feeling like this. I suggested he take some annual leave, come home for a bit if he wants to, and spend a few months thinking about what he actually wants rather than making a decision because he feels he has somehow failed. He said I was just trying to talk him into staying in law and that I don't understand how unhappy he is. His dad thinks I should stop interfering and simply tell him that if he wants to leave, leave. I am torn because I don't want to push him into law, but equally I think there is a difference between genuinely wanting a different career and being disappointed that the career you worked towards isn't making you happy. He is only 25 and keeps talking as though he has missed his chance to do anything else and that his life is over, its barely started at 25. I have told him we will support him if he wants to change direction, including coming home for a while, but I'm wondering whether we have actually made things too easy for him over the years and should now let him work this out himself. Our daughter on the other hand is loving life, graduated from Durham this year read Theology and absolutely loved it has no interest in working in the corporate world as she puts it, she works as a cheesemonger twice a week and is currently doing a masters at UCL in something so 'silly' but regardless we want her to be happy so we are happy to pay for her masters.

AIBU to ask him to slow down and think before quitting, or should I just leave him to make his own decision?

I think I'd listen very carefully to what he's saying. He's still only 25 so it's not too late to make a different decision.

If he really is that unhappy then encourage him to look into what he might like to do instead. A different branch of law might be a fairly straightforward move but if not then where do his interests lie?

Corporate law is pretty soleless - all about long hours and big bucks and if he wants out then now is the time to do it.

https://lawcare.org.uk/

I think he needs to decide what is next before resigning. Good idea to take some leave and really consider this. You children are at different ends of the spectrum. You part time girl hasn't really properly started yet if still studying and working part time.

I agree with this. It's also very important to know that men tend to express mental health distress as 'work stress'. They don't say I'm anxious and depressed or crying all the time. Men use different language to express distress than women (socially conditioned to do so). That leads to GPs and others not realising that they are experiencing a mental health crisis.

If a woman came on here and said I'm crying daily and don't want to go into work, everyone would tell her to go to the GP, get signed off sick and take weeks if not months to recover her MH before returning to work.

This is a similar situation IMO.

I think he’d be a fool to give up that salary .
He can keep working whilst he figures out what, if anything, he’d rather do. Money gives options.
Maybe a different branch of the law would suit him better, there are so many paths to choose from.

He can't just choose if he's close to having a nervous breakdown, can he? I don't think many posters are hearing the alarm bells here.

Commercial law can be absolutely the worst combination of boring and stressful.

Absolutely this. There are multiple types of law he could practice, not as well paid but better than starting again in another career. It would be much easier to move from corporate law into a more "high street" discipline or somewhere in between (i work in the city doing insurance litigation on a wide range of property damage claims, it's really varied and interesting and a lot more work/life balanced than corporate/commercial).

Can you suggest he talks to some recruiters about the possible options out there for such a change? It's a huge effort to become a solicitor these days, would be a shame to ditch it so early and so completey.

I got out of commercial law by getting pregnant a year after I qualified 🙂I was 28 by then though. Then I had a year of mat leave to consider what's next. Maybe an extreme option for some though and not one open to DS!

He needs some sort of therapy, a combination of life coaching and career coaching and actual MH therapy. He may be good at studying and taking exams, but he doesn’t seem functional in life if at 25yo he feels like he’s wasted his life. That’s not factually correct or a healthy outlook. It sounds like he’s prioritising the wrong things, doesn’t understand what life is about (for him or for anyone else). He can’t see the wood for the trees, hasn’t finished growing up yet. It’s ok, lots of people take ages and it’s not like he hasn’t been busy doing other, worthwhile stuff. He just needs help figuring things out. Be careful though, there are more charlatans out there than decent professionals, but the real deal does exist.

Maybe he could book in a session with a careers counsellor? To help him decide on the path he might like to take.

Fully agree.

The alarm bells are ringing loudly and there's no one listening.

This is not simply a guy finding himself in a job he doesn't like or a manager he can't stand.

The is seeking help everywhere:

• his GP
• his manager
• his parents

He is only 25! He’s realised he hates his chosen career. I wouldn’t waste a single other day.

If he had a family to support and debts to fulfill I would think differently. But at 25 with no responsibilities and clearly a good brain he can change gear now rather than later.

I would encourage him to think carefully about what he wants to do next though, before resigning.

It may be an old fashioned view but imo it’s best not to leave one job until you have the next one lined up.
Or in his case, whatever the part of his life comes next.
He sounds like he needs a proper break, which is of course fine & I think he should have one asap, taken out of his annual leave (unless he is actually unwell of course, which is entirely possible given your comments).
Best wishes to you all.

Also a lawyer here OP. Is it the particular environment he’s in or is it the work? Maybe the firm, if he’s in a big law Magic circle firm? There are a lot of other options in the law. I’m in house and absolutely love it but couldn’t stand city law firms.
It may well be that the profession isn’t for him after all and that’s fine, but breaking down exactly what he wants from his life and what exactly he is finding so depressing is really important. A change to a different environment or a different specialism may be enough for him to start enjoying it again.
As PPs have said, some time out to rest and really examine what’s going on sounds like a good idea. Best of luck to him.

I think some people on here are focusing a lot on the salary. He is 25, he has his whole life ahead of him to make money if that is what he ultimately wants. He has never been particularly motivated by money and I think his situation proves that. His girlfriend earns just under £50k in consulting and is very happy in her job. She has a law degree too but realised that corporate law wasn't for her and chose a different route. Money isn't everything to everyone.

I think my son will probably take some time out of work and use it to figure out what he actually wants to do. We will support him with whatever he decides, as we always have. I just don't want him making a rash decision when he has only told us how he is feeling over the weekend and it hasn't even been a week. He has spoken to people at work about how he is feeling, so he has been very open about it, and we are taking it seriously. I've been checking in with him and he has some amazing friends around him, as well as a girlfriend who knows how he is feeling and is there for him. He isn't dealing with this on his own. I think at this point he needs some time and space to work out whether he genuinely wants to leave law or whether he is having a difficult period and needs to step back before making any big decisions.

As a corporate lawyer myself ( other end of the career path) I would say good advice .He is propbably working in a very high pressure (but well rewarded ) area now ,It may be worth him looking at getting a post with a more provincial firm maybe nearer home ? The money will be less but so will the pressure and he will get more client contact and the buzz that comes from doing the deal and getting the clients gratitude rather than being ( probably) on the edge of very large matters but only really getting contact with other lawyers .Another route might be an in house role where again you get more involved with the business

Well, you're being unreasonable to tell a 25 year old what to do. It's his life.

It's probably the firm, maybe he'd prefer being an in house lawyer rather than in a practice.

Oh dear.

We've done our kids no favours by telling them that constant happiness is a right.

I don't doubt the strength or veracity of your sons feelings but he needs to choose his hard.

His hard can be either: a high powered career, the impact and stress of which i glean is just hitting him now...

Or it can be financial, he can go and get a stress free job sure, but he will need to budget heavily, as a driven person I doubt he would be fulfilled like your daughter is.

You're quite right to tell him not to stay in a career he doesn't like, 40 years is a long time.

However you need to tell him he is now old enough to know that constant happiness isn't a right, and life is full of trade offs.

My job can be crushingly stressful at times. The idea of a job like your daughters sounds idyllic in those times.

However, its been years since ive looked at the price of a food shop. I own my own house. If i wanted to book a holiday tomorrow i could. Ive paid off my student loan. I say this not to brag - but thats my trade off. I would rapidly find financial constraints on my life more than stressful

Choose your hard.

@MyOchreOtter I absolutely get why you want him to keep working and normally I would agree but your son is crying out for help. He needs a break from work to have time to discover what he wants.

One option is to either ask HR for a sabbatical another is for his GP to sign him off. However, resigning at 25 with some £ behind him is not the worst thing to do.

A legal background is not a waste and can be used to pivot to other careers. I think no matter what he tries now will not solve the problem.

Your son has reached the “fuck this is my life” moment a lot of us don’t get until much later. He can see 40 (edited 50) years of grind ahead of him and realised this is not his vocation. Not everyone has a vocation and so we do the grind, your son is young enough to take time and work out what he wants.

I suggest he thinks about having a gap year where he travels the world to clear his mind and think about the life he wants.

My 25 year old son (also Oxbridge) is just finishing off his training contract in a non-corporate law firm in the City. He had been exposed to the inner workings of corporate law firms in a corporate law society at university and felt it wasn’t for him. His hours at his non-corporate law firm are just a little more than 9-5; his salary is lower but he’s incredibly happy and he has met his tribe. I wouldn’t discount a sideways move within areas of law. I hope things work out for him.

Another ex City lawyer here. This is a fairly common pattern- if he is doing long hours + high stress work it can become impossible to see a way out except to simply pull the plug on the whole thing. That combination of exhaustion and stress creates a sort of tunnel vision, and the culture of some firms is that only complete dedication to the work is acceptable, meaning that for the sort of hard working and conscientious (?? perfectionist) person who ends up in City law, it feels like you only have two options- 100% or 0%.

If he has spoken to his manager and GP about mental health concerns then he is clearly struggling, and that needs to be the focus for now. Would he consider asking his GP to sign him off for a couple of weeks? This is the sort of thing that feels unthinkable while you are in the middle of it- how can you be out for 2 weeks when you and your team are all working past midnight every night?- but in reality law firms are bound by employment law the same as everybody else. He can do this. The firm will cope and in any event it's the partners' duty to consider the resilience of the team, not his. He can then spend that time considering his options- and there are lots both inside and outside the legal profession (the GLD would certainly be interested in their next recruitment round, they have a completely different culture and he could be back on £86k within 2-3 years plus fantastic pension).

If he really doesn't feel able to do this then I would simply support him in his decision and not try to talk him out of it. He doesn't sound like an impetuous person so take him seriously.

(Also- pace PP- there are plenty of lawyers doing ridiculous hours at mid ranking firms. Expectations may be higher in general at top US firms but that doesn't say anything about what an individual lawyer is going through.)

This is not about “wanting constant happiness “, the DS is clearly hating his job. Something he has to do every single day!!! What a miserable life.
He is young enough to change direction.

This is great advice.

I think it's about heading off a MH crisis and allowing him a bit of breathing space.

One of my children is very driven and has said how much he's benefitted from having time travelling to be a different type of person, not just academic perfectionist.

Your role is not to back him further into any corner, but help him see nothing catastrophic is occuring, that it's ok to have a bit of a crisis and then to consider your options.

Saying you 'ought' to do this or 'ought' to do that when someone has got to the desperate stage and thinks their life is worthless isn't a good idea.

I’d encourage him to consider two options

1 Plan a change of direction, while continuing to work. Set a deadline of say a year. Does he have any idea what he’d like to do? Talk to him about different options, further study, apprenticeships.

2 Come home and take a break, decompress. Then go travelling. It’ll broaden his outlook and show him there are lifestyles and outlooks very different to the high achieving bubble he’s been living in so far. He’ll come back a different person.

Whatever he decides, remind him he’s still a bright, well qualified young man and once he finds his groove he’ll be as happy and successful as any of his peers.

I felt like this when I was working at a big accounting firm. I took a week self certified and plotted out what I was going to do. I got a job out in industry in an area where I felt like I had an opportunity to do good. Similar options might not exist in law until you have a couple of year PQE, I don't know? But basically if you can persuade people that you're leaving for the right reasons (I was pretty honest and explained that I was looking for a better work life balance, that I was totally happy to put the hours in when the job required, but that that wasn't what I was looking to do every week! And that I was keen to do something where I could see how what I did contributed to society), then he may well persuade an alternative employer that he's a good bet.