AIBU to tell my son to delay resigning from commercial law?

[MyOchreOtter]

AIBU to have told my 25 year old son not to hand in his notice just yet?
He graduated from Cambridge with a land economy degree, did one year of law conversion and went straight into a commercial firm in London after whilst completing his SQE, he has completed that and is now a newly qualified solicitor, he's on 86k says money doesn't even make him happy, he thought it would.

This weekend he came home and told us he feels like he has "wasted his life". He was quite down about it and kept saying that he should have done something different years ago. The thing is, he has always been very driven. He did well at school, worked incredibly hard to get into Cambridge and then found himself in another very competitive environment there. I think he has got used to measuring himself by how well he is doing, so now that he doesn't particularly enjoy his job he seems to see the whole thing as a failure. I said to him that if he genuinely doesn't want to be a solicitor then he absolutely shouldn't stay in a career he hates, but I don't think he should resign this week while he's feeling like this. I suggested he take some annual leave, come home for a bit if he wants to, and spend a few months thinking about what he actually wants rather than making a decision because he feels he has somehow failed. He said I was just trying to talk him into staying in law and that I don't understand how unhappy he is. His dad thinks I should stop interfering and simply tell him that if he wants to leave, leave. I am torn because I don't want to push him into law, but equally I think there is a difference between genuinely wanting a different career and being disappointed that the career you worked towards isn't making you happy. He is only 25 and keeps talking as though he has missed his chance to do anything else and that his life is over, its barely started at 25. I have told him we will support him if he wants to change direction, including coming home for a while, but I'm wondering whether we have actually made things too easy for him over the years and should now let him work this out himself. Our daughter on the other hand is loving life, graduated from Durham this year read Theology and absolutely loved it has no interest in working in the corporate world as she puts it, she works as a cheesemonger twice a week and is currently doing a masters at UCL in something so 'silly' but regardless we want her to be happy so we are happy to pay for her masters.

AIBU to ask him to slow down and think before quitting, or should I just leave him to make his own decision?

I feel for him. I was similar. You can feel you fought so hard to get to where you thought you wanted to be and then- wow, is this it, is this what I worked for? A place i thought would be full of the best of the best and energising and impactful turned out to not be what I expected. Like you've said to him I think the key is understanding that he can very easily change his path. Have a week off and then go back to basics - what does he enjoy about the job? What doesn't he? Can/will what he doesn't enjoy change? If not, what kind of jobs would maximise the likes and minimise the dislikes, whilst making use of his degree? Etc

I have a family member with exactly the same background as your son who has just resigned from a £180k 1st year PQE corporate position (and others left sooner than that!). They’d had enough of working, evenings, weekends and expected to work even when on holiday. What a terrible way to treat these hard working, well qualified, intelligent workers and a complete waste for the company to whom it must be costly and time consuming to recruit. It’s soul destroying really, affects their confidence and I can’t understand it.

They now have a better work/life balance in a Uk firm - still fairly long hours but £150k and in an interesting area of the law. Still, they are planning on doing this for 10 years max to save for a deposit (trying not to get seduced by the share option tie-ins) and pivoting to something completely different.

It’s not worth it if it affects his mental health. Could he look at going back to do a postgrad in finance or something else he’s interested in? A friend of ours qualified as a solicitor and became an ombudsman - interesting work, mostly at home and not much pressure - about £65K.

I jumped off the wheel of my career when I realised how soul destroying it was.

A man who has been privately educated and then gone on to do well at uni and find a well paid job will have been down a funnel that looks neither to one side nor the other but has one focus. He has stayed obediently on those train tracks but now knows that it is not all of who he is.

He is growing up and recognising that there is more to life than this and that he needs to spread his wings and engage with some other life. I have enormous sympathy with that.

He needs a break to do some thinking. He has no dependents - now is the time to do it.

My career was fine - I worked hard in an LA job for many years and I was good at it without a doubt. I could have just plodded on. My second career was about who I truly was: I retrained in photography, worked as picture editor for a magazine, accepted photography commissions, did art photography for exhibition, did digital story projects with young people, ran singing workshops and a choir, ran a huge triennial community choirs project, ran an arts outreach project for young people ....... I tapped into my creative side and blossomed.

He needs to find who he is and what might make him happy - he has been steeped in the conventional for decades - he needs something to look back on with satisfaction rather than regret.

I am sure he has a million transferable skills. He needs to sit down and write a list of what these might be.

Op, he needs a break
Encourage him to take a sabbatical ( six months or so)
He has been on the academic treadmill for many years and is probably exhausted .
This is why I am a firm believer in taking a gap year and encouraged my dds to take time out before university
They are now both working in great roles with fantastic pay
He is obviously very unhappy and the money isn’t making him happier. He needs a rest

If I were you, I would ask him to explore other areas within law. He is qualified which is brilliant. Corporate seats in magic circle firms aren't for everyone. He could first explore a different area with that firm, or alternatively look at different types of firm

This

Law has as many areas of speciality as medicine and far more employer options! Isn’t there another area that he might find more fulfilling? Eg environmental law, working for a charity or in-house, working for the government legal service, working for a local authority, working for a children’s charity , working for a tech start up full of young guys like him seeking to build something, etc

I would agree with your suggestion for him to take some time and think about what he wants to do next. Not to rush into anything. Just support him through the process and help him evaluate what he really wants.
It's a difficult time when you realise that achieving what you thought you wanted doesn't make you happy. For some people, the money will be enough, or the buzz of the job, whatever. Many people think money will make them happy and for some it's enough, for others not. It's a personal thing.
Realising you're put everything you have into achieveing something that really isn't what you want is very depressing and disorientating. But lots of people do go through this. I did. I went back to university and met many mature students with exactly the same feelings. There is always a way forward.
But it's important not to rush into making a change. To really look at what is bothering him and what his next step could be.

He also might feel more fulfilled going into legal aid (does that still exist?), family law etc seeing as he’s not motivated by money. Still hard working, but nothing like the corporates and at least he might feel he’s doing some social good.

Good thing he feels comfortable enough to come to me for advice and I hope even when he is in his 30s, 40s, 50s he still feels as though he can come to me for advice or just tell me how he is feeling. He isn't forced to take my advice but its good he has us to come to when he is down regardless of what our opinions are.

This will sound harsh but you've one grown child selling cheese, living at home & spaffing a fortune doing a 'silly' masters on your money; and one working in a reponsible job he doesn't enjoy, living away, paying his bills etc?

You can tell him to stay - and I get all the reasons for doing so - but it's a bold look to fund one happy clam fannying about, while at the same time advising Mr Driven to stay in a role that's making him miserable.

OP, he's 25. I wouldn't persuade my 14 year old to do a job she didn't like. It isn't my business. I don't think you should give an opinion either way and ideally he shouldn't be asking for one. Perhaps he wasn't and just hoped for a sounding board during what sounds to me like a crisis. Describing your daughter's masters as something 'silly' has offended me on her behalf. You say you don't have expectations but I wonder if your son feels differently.

I have been really careful as a parent to make it very clear that I am proud of my child but not for academic achievement or winning at something but for the person she is and how she lives her life. I never want her to think it would be possible for her to disappoint me with any life choice. I will be in her corner regardless. Expectations are a massive weight I didn't want her to have. I got off pretty lightly with those but some of my friends less so, and it was not advantageous.

He sounds like he has looked around at the world he has found himself in at 25 and decided it's not for him. Surely with all of his drive/ability/privilege he could do so many things and should be the last person to feel trapped in an industry that isn't 'him'. If he's telling you he's down, that's the bit I would be listening to. It might have been quite difficult to articulate that. Hope he works it out.

I have been lucky enough to not work in an intense career so I do not know much about corporate law but I know he works so hard and he is a hardworking person. I have cruised through life compared to him and it hurts seeing him feel this way, all we can do is offer support, he has talked to his work about how he is feeling of course they will want him to stay, he hasn't said to them that he wants to leave but he recognises that he is struggling and it is the first time in his life he has had to struggle, 25 is still very young, he just doesn't realise it yet and probably won't realise till he is my age.

He needs to keep working until he's found another job or training to do another job.

Not harsh at all you are allowed your opinion, my daughter is in full time education, she is focussed on her masters, how will she juggle a full time job and a masters ?I did my masters at UCL and that was a great year, I met friends I am still friends with to this day, I made industry connections, my daughter will be away in south America for research for a couple months which is something she has to do for her masters, she isn't just sitting around, she is 21 has her whole life ahead of her. We do not pay our sons bills anymore but we supported him through his law conversion course and SQE then he started earning. No one is 'spaffing' a fortune, we want our children to do anything they want and be happy and are prepared to support them.

I’d be proud of him - it’s a hard thing to admit. And I bet working in corporate law is a slog if you’re not driven by money and status.

All you can do is support him and advise him if he’s open to it.

It must be awful to be an high achiever, then arrive at what you thought was the destination - good qualifications and well paid job - and realise full time employment is relentless and often unrewarding!

Thing is, if he doesn’t know what it’s like to have a badly paid AND unrewarding job, he may be in for a shock. There are plenty of those around!!

I agree definitely and I want him to be honest with his workplace as he insists he likes the firm and has told the relevant people about how he is feeling. He is allowed a break. I think its also important to think before making decisions and I am glad he has sought advice for us or at least told us how he is feeling.

What is the “silly” masters? Perhaps it’s not so silly…

I think this is what he has realised. Since age 4 he has been working towards something, I mean he was interested in studying at Cambridge from age 15 he started his research even emailed lecturers

Op, the fact that he recognises that he is struggling is a positive thing . He needs help.
I am a great believer in therapy .He needs to speak to someone who will listen to him without judgement
My dd is working in a similar demanding job namely Corporate Banking and is earning a similar salary to your ds. However, she chose an area of Corporate Banking that she enjoys

I know that if she was distressed or unhappy she would leave the job immediately despite the pay .
I wouldn’t be surprised if your ds envies his dd. She gets to do what she wants including a ‘silly’ masters without any expectation .
Your ds probably feels the pressure of being the ‘sensible ‘ one . The one that his parents can boast about with their friends
You may not think that you are putting pressure on him, but I am almost certain that he feels that pressure

This.
I think you need to set him free to choose his path making it really clear that you’ll support him.

Maybe he needs to go to a ski season in Banff or something else “silly”.

He is asking for help, YABU to ask him to “delay” until a random time in the future

Could he use his qualifications to do something in another area of law, that's lower paid but helps people? Something less commercial? It might give him a sense of purpose and wellbeing.

I'm not really clear how long he has been there? I'd say give it a year after uni for your first job. It does take a while to get used to.

I think its quite common to think 'is this it?' when you've always been working towards the next big goal and then you finally achieve it. At uni there is an end goal that you're working towards, which is the good graduate job. And then you get it and there isn't really much else othe than progression within the job (eg partner). And it's quite normal to think 'I put in all that effort, and it's just a job, with downsides like stress / hours etc...and I've got 40 years of this now...what was it all for?'

So I'd encourage him to stick at it for a year while he gets used to working in general, not having a big obvious goal, leaving uni etc and ultimately works out if it's the job itself that's bothering him or if he just needs to come to terms with a big life change. Although clearly if his mental health deteriorates then I'd be stressing he should re assess.

It might be for example that he needs to feel like he is contributing more to society if he is in corporate law, so he switches to a different area of law or different company and tries that. Moving will be easier if he already has a job /has more than 6 months experience

Speaking as someone who hated their job and almost quit, said I'd give it 6 months, and have a career that I like 25 years later (grad role but ultimately not as stressful or longer hours as corporate law).

Those corporate law training contracts can absolutely beast people.

I worked somewhere that employed a good number of ex magic circle trainees - bright committed people who were, in the main, absolutely broken by the experience.

Reassure him that he hasn't wasted his time: there are plenty of avenues he could try that aren't commercial law in the City. Playing it safer and staying within law there are lots of options that may pay less but come with radically different - better - quality of life trade-offs. Even if he wants to get out of law entirely, he's equipped with valuable transferrable skills.